


The next chance and the next

by ne_yo_na_495



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Adventures with droids!, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anniversary, Children, Droids Unleashed, F/M, Force Ghost (Non-canon version), Jyn injured, Lots of adventures, Marriage, Marriage and Family in later chapters, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Programming, Rated For Violence, Self-Harm, Sharing a Bed, Unplanned Pregnancy, droid repair, large family, marriage trouble, rated for language, sentient droids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-12 06:00:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 90,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12952860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ne_yo_na_495/pseuds/ne_yo_na_495
Summary: Updated Tags, did some spot editing - 12/30/17, Chapter 22 added 1/5/18They all live. What happens when the clever girl finally has a chance to learn more than just how to be a deadly fighter? Droids, droids, so so many droids. Droids with plans. Unleash the droids! (I love Chopper)After a lifetime of the galaxy throwing Jyn (and many in her generation) from one situation to the next leaving them without a proper sense of self, what happens when Jyn has to find a sense of self to care for some new arrivals?There are trigger warnings at the beginning of certain chapters.All characters listed are featured, but Jyn, Cassian, Chopper, Kaytoo, Baze, Churrit, Bohdi, Luke, very non-canon Kes, Shara, and original characters (future children and such) are featured more than the others.I love all your Rogue One fanfics, you’re all amazing writers!I hope the story is enjoyable, comments are welcome.





	1. Metal Angel

“Melshi, I’m sorry I hit you with a shovel.”

Yavin 4 and Scarif are on nearly opposite sides of the galaxy. The crew of Rogue One discussed the plan, and now there is time to talk on the way to their suicide mission. Jyn Erso sat down next to Ruescott Melshi to apologize. 

She’s remembering long dormant social norms that she used to be able to use, and she finds doing so a little scary but mostly intriguing. Her parents used to apologize, so it feels right and it helps her remember the better memories. 

Her father gave up his whole life to build a flaw into the Death Star. He’d asked her to give up hers to use that flaw. She’d already accepted that this mission wasn’t likely to succeed or leave any of them alive, but she’d seen her father’s monster in action and she knew it was worth trying anything, absolutely anything to get the plans. She finds it strange that she picks now to allow herself to explore happy memories. She’s been burying memories of all kinds away for years, never forgetting, but never letting herself contemplate them either. Now she’s on a mission she likely won’t live through, and she’s actually letting herself explore the happier memories. It’s comforting instead of bitter. 

“Thanks, umm, apology accepted.” He replies. “If you don’t mind me asking, why did you try to escape from us?”

She looks at him, then down at her knees. Cassian Andor and Rodma Maddel are prepping weapons nearby, and both are surreptitiously listening in while they work. Cassian notes she apologized for hitting him, not for trying to escape the rescue.

“I’ve been mostly alone for 5 years. No one’s had my back in a long time. Everyone leaves, or is taken, or betrays, or actively hurts me, so,” she stops and thinks. “I don’t, well, I didn’t trust anymore. I didn’t think things could be different. I didn’t think it was safe to go with you or anyone else.” She pauses. 

“And now?” He asks.

“I trust the people on this ship.”

“Anyone else?”

“No, no one living.” Mama, Papa, Saw, Akshaya, Hadder, it hadn’t all been bad, she smiles inwardly.

Melshi takes a risk and takes one of her hands in his. “I’m sorry. There should have been people who had your back.” He lets go and stands up. “Fresher.” He adds then leaves to use it.

Jyn spent a lot of energy not following her instinct to tear her hand away and punch Melshi. It was short at least. It was nice even. She reminds herself, it was a regular friendly platonic gesture, just not regular for her. When had something like that last happened? Cassian’s put a gentle guiding hand on her here and there, not like he was a warden. It was startling, but it also felt, it felt like home. She doesn’t remember holding a hand. She stays still for awhile thinking.

Rodma and Cassian exchange a look. Jyn and Melshi’s conversation was painful to hear.

It hits Cassian hard that he hadn’t realized there was this particular difference between him and Jyn. He’d judged the choices she’d made thinking his and her backgrounds were essentially the same. They were both loners who lost their families and he stayed with the Rebellion the whole time while she left the Partisans and didn’t join any part of the Rebellion after that, and he’d left it at that. The reality was, he had the always had someone. First he had family, then the Rebellion, and lately he’s also had Kaytoo. Even though there was a substantial chance the Alliance would leave him to die via lullaby pill if he was captured, he still had them and their network this whole time. For many years she had absolutely no one while she was ground down under the boot of the Empire. What does that do to a person?

She’d made a good impression on him quickly in spite of his initial judgement of her. He saw her save a child in an active war zone, he saw her step in front of Kaytoo to stop Baze Malbus from shooting him with a shoulder cannon. Then she stayed when they killed her father, when he set up his sniper rifle and almost killed her father. He shudders. Now, in the span of a couple days, she went from starving and feral looking with no hope and no ability to trust anyone anymore, to leading them to Scarif, where they’ll be lucky to live, to do something that that has to be done on behalf of a galaxy that actively hurts her. She’s even given the occupants of the little stolen Imperial ship hope.

He’s still a bit surprised he’s following her. He likes predictable partners, and she is probably the most unpredictable person he’s ever worked with. He likes working with her too.

He realizes he’s staring at her, but she doesn’t notice because she’s staring at her hands. She had been starving when she was picked up and looked like a caged Loth Wolf. She’s probably hungry and he packed food.

“Jyn,” Cassian sits next to her and her head snaps up. It’s startles him, she has such large green eyes and an intense gaze. Does she see deeper into a person than the rest of us do? Can she see into his soul? He hopes not, his soul feels compromised by some of the terrible things he’s done for the cause. He opens his pack and takes out a wrapped sandwich and sits next to Jyn. “I brought food.” He can tell Rodma is smiling in his peripheral vision. She walks away to get something. He gives Jyn half of his sandwich. Rodma comes back and hands them both canteens.

Jyn wonders if they heard her talking. She hadn’t checked where everyone was and what they were doing when she sat next to Melshi. There’s nothing she can do about it now. 

She’s so hungry. “Thanks.” She’s still got Wobani in her system and starts eating like someone will take her food away, shoving as much of it in her mouth as she can as fast as possible, then she remembers. With a fairly full mouth she says, “Sorry.” Eating as fast as possible probably looks gross and isn’t necessary here. After some calmer chewing, she continues. “I keep forgetting that I don’t need to eat like my food will get taken away.” It’s actually already an improvement that she isn’t hiding or turning away when she eats. She’s done that every time they’ve given her food up until now.

“Well, I thought about stealing it, but decided against it because Cassian told me about your truncheon skills.” Says Rodma. Jyn laughs. She’s lightening the mood after I just tried to eat as fast as possible in front of them, that’s, that’s, friendly. Jyn’s still smiling.

“It’s impressive how much food you can fit in there.” Says Cassian, then he adds, “You also don’t have to eat neatly in front of us if you don’t want to. We’re friends.” He doesn’t think he’s had many real friends, though it’s not quite true. It is true that while he hasn’t known her long, she’s already his friend.

She stills. Friend hasn’t been applied to her since, since, well, since a time she often prefers to forget. She allows herself to remember the good parts of her time with Hadder and Akshaya now, and refuses to contemplate the bad. She’s doing this for people like them, for people like her mother and father, for Cassian who’s given everything. He compromised his soul for people like her. 

“Thanks.” She says, and realizes she’s still smiling, and it’s a real smile. She puts out her water canteen, “To getting the plans. To a better galaxy.” The three knock their canteens together. Stordan Toncs and Pao come over and clink theirs as well. They go back to eating.

. . .

Hardly anyone sleeps with a notable exception. 

“How is she able to sleep?” Asks a surprised Stordan quietly. Jyn is fast asleep sitting up with Baze Malbus’ arm around her. 

“Because it’s the safest she’s felt falling asleep in years.” Answers Churrit Imwe from Baze’s other side. 12 of the 19 hear that answer. They’re doing this for people like her, people who should have a safe place to sleep.

Cassian is sitting on her other side. He is not sleeping, though he’s trying. He keeps his head down while some tears fall on his jacket. He’s very afraid of what will happen on Scarif, he knows this mission will probably kill him, and yet this is her most peaceful sleep in years. This galaxy is terrible. If they live through this, he wants to find her more chances to feel safe sleeping. He also wants to make sure she has access to food often enough that she gets out of the habit of eating like her food will get taken away.

“Koodie you be nice to Cassian. He’s my friend.” She says in her sleep and she burrows down into Baze’s side more. Maybe the galaxy’s not completely terrible.

. . .

It’s such a big achievement, they sent the plans. 

The two loners were never big talkers, and they don’t have many words now. 

On the way down the elevator, Jyn knows she loves and admires this man. It’s not an in love kind of love though she concedes it might be given time, it’s a you’re an amazing admirable being and you’re deserving of love kind of love. No one’s been on the Comms, it’s oddly quiet. They’ll die soon. She decides he shouldn’t die without knowing why he’s admirable, without knowing he’s loved.

“You’re a good man Cassian.” She says as the elevator nears the first floor. He takes a shaky breath. He didn’t know how badly he wanted to be told that until she just did. He’d done things he regrets, and he doesn’t have much hope for himself. She sees him as a good man, and it’s more than he thinks he deserves. “You’ve spent your life working to give us all a free galaxy. Thank you. It’s a privilege to work with you.”

While walking toward the waters edge, Cassian tells her, “Your father would be proud.” 

Would he? They did transmit the plans, so it’s true, he would be. Cassian is right, and it’s wonderful. They walk on.

“And you came and did this after you lost hope and had no one to trust. You’re a good woman Jyn.” Her Papa would be proud and she’s a good woman. She didn’t know how much she needed to hear those words until he said them.

The Death Star has already activated and the Citadel is no more. The base surrounding it is being obliterated. Jyn and Cassian decide to hold each other so tight because they can. They won't die alone. He feels her shake and wrack with internal sobs, though he can’t hear them. He’s still, he’s amazed to get a death with a friend in his arms. 

She decides to block Cassian from the destruction with her body. She sobs because seeing her fathers monster unleashed, his awful legacy, it’s so cruel to have his name, her name, attached to this awful weapon. It’s too much. How many people will die before the flaw is exploited? How many families will end when this weapon appears on the horizon. At least she’s not alone now.

She wants Cassian to feel loved as he heads to something or nothing, whatever happens after death. 

With her arms wrapped around him and the wave of destruction heading toward them to tear them apart, she yells into his left ear, “I love you Cassian.” They both black out before he can say it back.

As a heavy kyber radiation and kyber heat starts to hit them, they both black out immediately. A heavy wave of kyber radiation causes most organics to lose consciousness before they are torn apart, so Jyn and Cassian are unconscious while still kneeling upright in a desperate embrace.

Lyra and Galen Erso were two of the only people in the galaxy who understood the differences between kyber fueled laser explosions and regular laser explosions. The biological aspect of kyber crystals makes the difference.

The current differences are noticeable when the explosion is unleashed on an area rather than when used to annihilate a planet. When used on an area of a planet, there are waves of heat and kyber radiation that precede the waves of destruction that tear matter into its molecular components. The first wave of heat has a different intensity and laps out like thin burning leaves in the wind. Jyn is unconscious out when her face, her right eye, and her right arm, side, and leg, receive these thin burns. They go through her clothes. Since Jyn used her body to shield Cassian from her father’s monster, he only receives a few on his left arm and left side. The wave of kyber radiation is so strong, and living, it damages her already injured leg and hip even more. Kyber radiation, since it comes from living crystals, does not leave damage that kills as it decays, but it does initially worsen injuries.

It’s still good Jyn protected Cassian as she’s one of very few who can be in close proximity to a kyber crystal for an extended period of time without it weighing her down and causing her pain. Usually, only Jedi and certain force sensitive beings can be in close proximity to the crystals for extended periods of time. Her relationship with these living crystals is a positive one, and now she unknowingly shares that relationship with Cassian.

Neither notice when a hulking black metal angel runs by, grabs them, then runs them into an already moving ship.


	2. Back to base

Thank Force Kaytoo’s eyes work differently than human eyes. A human would not have found Jyn and Cassian in the blinding light.

Jyn, Cassian, and Churrit are unconscious and do not regain consciousness on the way back to Yavin 4. Jyn’s eyes open and close often, she moves her left arm to point at things he can’t see, and she makes a lot of sounds that sound like they should be words, but it’s all gibberish with the cadence of language. Kaytoo thinks it’s not good that she keeps opening and closing a damaged right eye. It is probably making it worse. He also doesn’t have enough medical knowledge about human eyes to know what to do. Churrit is still, but he hums softly the whole time. Cassian is completely still and quiet. 

They all got off Scarif, though not all of them alive. No one was left behind. They have the bodies of those who died too. Those who escaped and can move do their best to stabilize the others. Because the Empire started evacuating a lot of troopers ahead of the Death Star’s arrival, a lot of those who came to do the impossible escaped with their lives on two stolen Imperial ships. Thankfully there are enough medical supplies on the ships to somewhat stabilize everyone with IV’s and such because it will take 2 days and 3 hours to go from Scarif to Yavin 4, and that’s in the fastest hyperlanes.

Kaytoo and Rodma Maddel hold Cassian steady. Kaytoo watches over Jyn, Cassian, and Churrit, keeping track of their vital signs. Baze and Taidu Sefla hold Churrit steady. Stordan Tonc and Bistan take turns holding Jyn steady. Bohdi and Melshi take turns piloting this ship. Melshi’s hurt, but bandaged enough that he can keep working.

While the comatose three worry Kaytoo, Cassian worries him most. He’s seen Cassian unconscious before but it hasn’t been quite like this. He can hear Churrit's humming through all the other noise, and the droid finds it soothing. He finds Jyn’s unconscious actions perplexing, and he's not sure if it should make him more or less worried.

Kaytoo wishes they could get to Yavin 4 faster.

. . . 

Yavin 4’s Medbay is full. People from the ground on Scarif are recovering well. Those who were above Scarif and did not make the jump to hyperspace before Vader’s arrival, most of them perished over Scarif. Some escape pods and some of the ships do manage to limp home to Yavin 4, but many on them who came back alive are barely alive. Most cannot recover from Vader’s relentless dark side assault. 

Bohdi and Baze are given new clothes and discharged quickly, but stay to help in the Medbay. Baze wants to stay near Churrit and Bohdi doesn't know anybody outside of the Medbay. They both prove helpful and it doesn’t take long before they are appreciated by the staff of organic beings and med droids. 9 of those who went to Scarif are discharged within the first 24 hours.

Bohdi is given new goggles to perch on his head, as his old ones were ruined on Scarif. He keeps the old ones. He and Baze are also assigned bunks and a trunk for their possessions.

Cassian wakes up 4 days and 9 hours after being rescued from the beach on Scarif. “Two Kaytoos?” He croaks. He sees two Kaytoo’s across the Medbay. Maybe he's not awake? Is he dead? If he’s alive, is there something wrong with he head? How drugged is he? He thinks he might be dreaming, or maybe it’s the afterlife. They both move and stand like Kaytoo does, which is just different enough from other KX Enforcer droids that he can always tell when it’s Kaytoo.

“Cassian,” says Kes. Kes Dameron is a nurse in the Medbay and one of Cassian's real friends. He’s gotten close to Kes over the years. Not as close as he is to Kaytoo though. Kes continues in his calm and steady nurse voice, “You’ve been in a coma. You’ve had electro-stimulation treatments and netting to keep your muscle tone at normal levels so the coma won't leave your muscles weaker than before. You’ve had 2 surgeries and 3 bacta immersions. Baze, Bohdi, Melshi, the Kaytoos, Shara, Rodma, and Davits have taken turns keeping you company. I’ll be back later with one of the doctors. You stay in this bed.” He gives Cassian a pointed look with that instruction because Cassian isn’t always a good patient, then he heads off to check on other patients.

He can tell he’s been in bacta because his skin looks really good. He’ll have very little scarring if any, but then he notices his left arm. There are burns that don’t look like they’ve been through 3 full bacta immersions. 

Baze is sitting next to Cassian, between Cassian and Melshi’s beds. Melshi is awake and still recovering. Baze sees Cassian looking perplexed. “Kyber radiation burns. Bacta helps them feel better, and it shrinks the scars, but you’ll always have some permanent scars.”

“Oh.” He decides to contemplate that later, on to a more pressing matter. “Why are there two Kaytoos?”

“He backed himself up into two deactivated KX droids through the networks on Scarif.” Answers Baze.

“How did we make it out? How many of us got back?” asks Cassian.

Melshi answers, “15 out of 19 of us. In the air above though, it was bad. Ships crashed. Raddus crashed his ship purposely to take the shield down. Then before all they ships could make the jump to hyperspace, Vader showed up.” Cassian and Melshi shiver involuntarily. “Pao, Walea, Arro, and Eskro, they didn’t make it back alive. We brought their bodies back for a proper burial.”

A stone monument was being set up to remember the four of them. It read:

Corporal Paodok’draba’takat Sap’de’rekti Nik’linek’ti Ki’vef’nik Ne Sevef’li’kek, also known as Pao  
Corporal Walea Timker  
Private Arro Basteran  
Corporal Eskro Casrich

Cassian remembers on the way to Scarif, Jyn asking Pao what each part of his name meant and also making sure she could spell it right. She had no patience sometimes and infinite amounts other times.

Melshi adds, “A lot of Imperial troopers were evacuated before the Death Star’s arrival.” 

Cassian realizes they didn’t tell that guy who killed Jyn’s mother. That Krennic guy. He'd been left to die by design. He had a higher up officers uniform on with insignias of an accomplished Imperial military member. There was no loyalty from those he served his whole adult life. He hated that man, but he briefly has some anger on his behalf. 

The Medbay is still packed to the brim, mostly of people from the air fleet in identical life support situations. Cassian is taking in a lot of activity around him.

Bohdi just finished assisting a surgeon and comes to see them. 

Cassian still can't quite believe it. Jav, Farsin, Yosh, Taidu, Bistan, Rodma, Stordan, Bohdi, Churrit, Baze, Ruescott, Kaytoo, and Jyn all made it back alive! He’s especially surprised he and Jyn made it back. He remembers hearing no one on the Comms, he remembers losing Kaytoo, and he remembers he was about to die on the beach while he and Jyn held each other. He remembers losing consciousness. Before that, she told him he was a good man. She told him she loves him. Someone loves him. When had he last heard anyone say I love you Cassian? 

Where is Jyn? Where is Churrit? 

He knows many of the survivors from Jyn and Cassian’s group have been cleared by the medical staff. Ruescott Melshi, Taidu Sefla, Yosh Calfor, and himself are the only ones he can see in medical beds from the Rogue One crew in the common area of the Medbay. He doesn't see Jyn or Churrit. Did they leave? 

“We found some Imperial ships and took two. Melshi started rounding people up.” A slightly jittery very tired Bohdi says. “I flew one, Melshi and I flew it together. I'm the pilot.” He stills after stating that he is the pilot. “One Kaytoo flew the other ship, and one Kaytoo found you and Jyn and carried you aboard.”

Both Kaytoos make their way over. “Hello Cassian.” They say in unison. If a KX droid could smile, they would be smiling now. “We’re happy you’re awake.” They add in unison.

“I backed myself up into two KX droids through the networks when my frame failed. We helped a lot. You’re welcome.” One Kaytoo says quite proud. 

“We want to see Jyn,” says the other Kaytoo, “she gave us a blaster.” So maybe Jyn is still here thinks Cassian.

“And stopped Baze from shooting us.” Says the first Kaytoo.

“By stepping in front of us. Not many people protect droids with their bodies.” Says the second Kaytoo.

“She didn’t like us yet either.” Adds the first Kaytoo.

“Bohdi! Kaytoos, can you help me?” Asks one of the doctors from across the room.

“Yes ma’am,” says Bohdi, already on his way. 

“We’re glad you’re ok and awake Cassian.” Say the Kaytoos together. Then they follow Bohdi.

Two Kaytoos is going to take some getting used to. He doesn’t know what to make of it yet. He also wants to see Jyn and Churrit. “Where are Churrit and Jyn?”

Baze says, “Churrit is still in and out of bacta, and in a coma. Jyn’s in a coma too.”

“Is Churrit in bacta now?”

“Yeah.” Baze looks so tired and world weary. 

“Where is Jyn?” asks Cassian.

Baze points at a door. “She hasn't woken up yet, well, not really” He says, and his look turns less gruff and a lot more sad and resigned in that moment. “She talks and moves, but she’s still in a coma. I don’t know much about comas, but Churrit using the force and Jyn being hit with the Death Star wave are making things more . . . complicated. It’s probably why you were in a coma too.”

“Oh.” That makes sense Cassian thinks.

“She’s in a private room there. Churrit’s is next to her’s. They’re not, their injuries are worse, and harder to recover from.” Baze pauses to swallow. He prevents sobs but not some tears. “They flew a special doctor in from another satellite base, Doctor Callice Sol. Her and Kes, they help everyone, but are assigned especially to our two. Churrit’s injuries were bad, a lot of internal bleeding, but he’ll be ok.” He hopes anyway, Baze isn't sure he believes it yet. “They let Bohdi and me in to see both of them between treatments, as if they could keep me away.” He smiles. Then he lowers his voice, “Something is different about how they are treating Jyn.”

“What do you mean?” Cassian asks.

“Draven comes and talks to the medical staff, but he talks to their doctor more, and he discusses her more than anyone else here. He visits often, and he visits her more than anyone else. They try to make it seem like it's all just usual stuff, but they haven’t even put her in bacta. They’re hiding something.” Baze says.

“Is he,” he starts, then stops. Is Draven angry and will they be punished? Is he especially angry at Jyn? He is more afraid of an angry Draven than wants to let on.

Melshi speaks up at this point, “Draven’s not on the warpath. We haven’t been kicked out or demoted or anything. He's proud of us Cass. I don't know if he agrees with how we did what we did, but he’s not angry. When the Alliance nearly broke up before we left, I think that changed him.”

“The plans made it then?” asks Cassian. They don't answer.

. . . 

The plans went out, they were successfully transmitted, and received by members of the Alliance, but then they went missing? Cassian's mind races.

He’s sitting up in his hospital bed, and though he is still in the Medbay common area, his bed is moved to the corner to talk to Draven out of earshot. Draven is sitting so his head is lower than Cassian’s, which is weird. He's used to Draven dominating conversations and intentionally intimidating those around him, yet he’s actively trying not to do that now. Draven could have found a taller chair, but he didn't.

“I think they'll still make it to us,” says Draven. “We think they made it to Leia’s ship, and she's missing, but you know Leia. She's about as clever as a person gets, and more stubborn and tough than anyone else I've ever met. If anyone can get the plans back here, it's her.” He’s right. Leia is a force of nature. Cassian doesn’t know if he believes being tough, stubborn, and clever will be enough. 

He’s also trying to work up the nerve to tell Draven he can't, he won't do deep cover, he can’t handle it anymore. He can’t take targets down through a scope anymore either. That part of him broke on Eadu. Deep cover has been an evolving problem for awhile now.

“We lost a lot of people over Scarif though. Part of the fleet was decimated. It's bad.” Draven looks down at his hands. “This is insane. They built a weapon to explode planets and cities? What’s the point of any if this.”

“This what?”

“Why is there even an Empire, an entity that wants to control all of us, a whole galaxy? What's the point of that much control?”

Cassian is not ready to contemplate the existential horror of the iron grip of the Empire and decides to change the subject. “Draven, I don't think I can keep doing what I've been doing.” 

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t kill through that scope anymore. I can’t handle more long term deep cover either. I just can't do those things anymore.” There is a long pause as Draven reads Cassian's face, eyes narrowed.

He finally replies, “I understand. You have other skills, you don't have to do what you can’t anymore.”

“Wait, what?” Confusion is written all over his face, the spy mask has dropped completely.

Draven has had this conversation before and he’s had it a few times since Scarif. “Look, I did a lot of thinking. You and and I and my other agents have done things for the Rebellion that are hard to live with. Then the Alliance nearly dissolves? Then you, Jyn, and Raddus led missions to do the impossible anyway. I didn't see how far I'd pushed you and the other agents into doing things for the cause that are hard to live with until then, until the rebellion was disbanding.

“You may be my best agent, but it’s still a burnout job. You’re a good man Cassian. The rebellion will always need you. There’s a lot of intelligence work you can still do.”

He had forgotten how well Draven reads people, hell, he'd forgotten Draven was human. Cassian knows he is very difficult to read, and Draven just read him and knew what he needed to hear. He needed to know that he could still be of use to the Rebellion.

“Thank you sir.” He also called him a good man, like Jyn had. 

She also said “I love you Cassian.” He was a good man and someone loved him. He had abandoned both descriptions of himself years ago. It still amazes him that now they could be part of his identity again. 

“When you recover more, let's redefine your job together.” Then Draven smirks. “Two Kaytoos is really freaking people out. I like it. I'd also like to consult them on strategy more. No blasters though, except in certain circumstances.” He’s still smiling and gets up to start to walk away. Cassian thinks a smile on Draven is a little unsettling.

“Sir!” Cassian calls after him. Draven comes back. Then Cassian asks kind of quietly, “Is Jyn ok?” 

Draven’s face changes to a somewhat more grave one. “She’s still recovering, and her chances of survival are improving. I think she'll make it, I hope she makes it.” Draven starts to go again then comes back. “Have Kes bring you in to talk to her and sit with her. She’s not conscious, but hearing your voice might help.”

. . . 

“One Kaytoo at a time please,” says Jyn and Churrit’s doctor. Her doctor is the very capable short lavender Twi’lek, Callice Sol. Jyn's room is too small for 2 Kaytoos. 1 Kaytoo fills a lot of the room already. 1 Kaytoo and Cassian are allowed to visit with Jyn. “Kes will check in on you.”

“I don't need to be checked on, I'm very well behaved.” Responds Kaytoo. 

She rolls her eyes. “I'm know you are. I'm not worried about that. He’ll check in because she’s delirious and it’s disorienting for everyone else.” Replies the doctor. 

“Why is that happening?” Asks Cassian.

“She's been in a coma and also under heavy sedation. The sedation lets her heal faster, out of it she’s a bit active. We take her out of sedation a couple times a day in the hope that it when it wears off it will pull her out of the coma at the same time. So far, she becomes vocal and moves more, but is not conscious.” She explains.

When he is finally brought in, Cassian isn’t prepared, not really. In theory he thinks he should be because he knew she was hurt, but in person is different. She is covered in tubes, sensors, electro-stimulation netting, and some bandages. Her face has clear lotion on four burns that run in thin lines from the middle to the right side of her face. Her right eye is covered and bandaged, and two burns lead to and from it, so he surmises it is probably damaged. There are burns on her right arm, a lot more than he has on his left. 

She blocked me from that monster weapon.

Force, she’s beautiful. He wants to talk to her again, to talk about things he usually holds in. 

Doctor Sol was right too. Jyn’s eye opens and closes slowly, remaining unfocused as it roams the room. She talks to no one who is there though a lot of what she says now are words that they recognize. Her arms move to touch things only she can see. The medical staff taped thick heavy mittens on to her hands, she must have scratched and pulled at the bandages and tubes. Kaytoo keeps trying to engage her, which keeps Cassian from becoming lost in melancholy, it’s too absurd. 

“Jyn, it's Kaytoo, you gave me a blaster. You survived.” 

“Koodie,” Jyn replies to somewhere above her. “Koodie? You used to be a lot smaller, do you know the words?” 

“Jyn, it’s Kaytoo. You protected me when Baze was about to shoot me. That was unexpected. You didn’t like me yet, and I definitely didn’t like you.”

“Hey, come back! You took my flarm hopty.”

“Jyn, it's Kaytoo. Cassian said I had to go to Scarif, and I did. I lied though. I wanted to go with Cassian. He didn't have to make me go.”

“Koodie, raffen treefer dully water, so much water. Did you make these scandocs? They look good.”

“Jyn, it's Kaytoo, there are two of me now.”

“Why do you have teeth Koodie? That's, that’s . . . a lot of teeth.” 

“Jyn,”

“Kay, stop,” says Cassian.

“Who is Koodie?” Finishes an undeterred Kaytoo.

“That's better Kay, that’s what I wanted to ask,” says Cassian. 

“What are the words to this fucking song?!” Jyn asks loudly.

Kaytoo has a quizzical look on his face. “Cassian,” Kaytoo lowers his voice, “I don't hear a song.”

“Me neither,” Cassian answers quietly. “It must be in her head.” Then he gently addresses her, “Jyn, can you hum it and we'll see if we know the words?”

She closes her eye and looks very dejected. “Koodie bit me.”

“Koodie should not bite you.” Kaytoo says with total certainty. “Koodie does not get a blaster.”

Kes comes in and checks some of the sensors and machines hooked up to Jyn. Then he adds something into one of her IV tubes. 

Kes says, “Jyn, don't let Koodie push you around. I'll check in again soon.” He had added the sedative back in. “You can keep talking to her even if she’s quiet. So far she hasn't reacted to anything we’ve said to her. She can probably hear the sounds of your voices though.” Cassian and Kaytoo are looking at Kes as he heads out and are not looking at her when they are loudly told to . . .

“TURN OFF THIS FUCKING SONG!” 

. . .

There's no word from Leia, and Alderaan is gone. It's 6 days after the battle of Scarif. 

After Alderaan is annihilated as a horrible demonstration of the Empire’s new weapon, no one ever says the unsanctioned mission to Scarif was the wrong thing to do. Everyone knows the Death Star is real. Everyone knows it was necessary to go to Scarif, even though the plans are still missing. Everyone knows it's worth trying absolutely anything no matter how desperate if there’s even a small chance of stopping the hellish weapon.

. . . 

Seven days after the battle on Scarif, Churrit comes out of his coma. Cassian is discharged the same day with a substantial back brace, and orders to come back for PT and scans daily. 

On day eight, he is in an important strategy meeting with many others that Mon Mothma and Dodonna are leading. All departments must report everything they can about the Death Star, even if it’s been reported before. Draven has relevant information to present as well, but he looks at his Comm and leaves without a word. He’s walking, but he’s walking quite fast.

No one speaks for a moment. “That was weird right?” asks Mon Mothma. “He has information we need to talk about soon, what do we do now?”

“Let's keep going,” barks Dodonna. 

It's been eight days and six hours since Scarif, and Cassian wants to follow Draven. He wants to see if he’s going to to Medbay, to Jyn. Ten minutes later he decides he isn't actually willing to wait anymore this and quietly slips out of the meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m guilty of many tropes. In this chapter, I had some medical possibilities from long ago and far far away that are advanced, while also some that are less advanced to fit my plot needs. I hope you don’t mind :-/


	3. She’s Back!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning - Rape is mentioned in this chapter. It is not a detailed description though, it is past non-consensual. It does come up again tangentially in other chapters after this one.

There's music. There's floating and light and a man in white and blasters and green and hope. Hope feels nice. Why is there hope? 

She wasn't sure. 

She’s a she? 

The music, a song she knew, but she can't remember the words for. That’s frustrating. Why can't she remember the words?

She? Feelings? Remembering? Was she a something? 

Koodie is here! He's much bigger than usual. They dig and make scan docs together on a foggy beach with black sand. It’s familiar. Why is it familiar?

To have feelings and hear songs and play with Koodie and to dig and make fake identity papers means she’s a thing that might exist. That’s interesting.

Koodie is nice sometimes but quite mean other times. He chases the man in white away! That makes her happy. Koodie doesn't know the words to the song. She thinks he should know, and he disagrees. 

More than anything else, Koodie and her sit on the black sand together on the quiet foggy shore. It's so quiet.

The cycle starts again and stays the same. It stays the same, it stays the same, until it doesn't.

There's a human man with Koodie, “Hello little one.”

“Hi! Are you friends with Koodie?” Her voice is young. How old should she be? Is she small or a child? She sounds like she might be some sort of child.

A Torgrutan woman is with the man and Koodie now. “I think we are your friends. You called us.” The Torgrutan woman reaches her hand out and touches her chest where something usually is. Huh, she has a chest. “We’re one with the force. It's nice to meet you and Koodie.” She has to look up to see them.

“How did you get here?” 

“We followed your call.” The Torgrutan woman says.

“We wanted to thank you.” Says the man. “The galaxy owes you a great debt of gratitude.” 

“Really? Does that mean I exist?” She asks.

“Yes,” the Torgrutan woman smiles, “you can wake up now.” They both fade away.

She exists. 

Now there is a new feeling. A new feeling of eyes that just won’t open, and sounds that are not just that never ending song with words she thought she should remember but doesn't. Why are there new sounds and why are her eyes so heavy. Why is everything heavy? Back to the foggy beach. 

Wait . . . her eyelids are so heavy, and having eyelids means she must have a body of some sort. She has a chest too, the lady put her hand on her where something usually is. So now, she exists, she calls herself “she” so she is probably female, and she’s something with eyelids and a chest. 

She must have a body to go with the eyelids and chest.

Who is she? 

Back to digging with Koodie.

NO, not yet, she remembers! 

She’s an adult now! She was a small child here with Koodie, but she’s actually an adult. 

She was, maybe still is, Jyn, Jyn - Erso - Liana - Hallick - Tanith - Ponta - Kestral - Dawn - Stardust. She is Stardust! And she has a family, had one, had one, but not anymore. Saw, Galen, Lyra, Hadder, Akshaya, those names mean family.

They’re all gone. She is alone and small and unimportant. She lost them all and it feels terrible. She’s small and guilty, maybe she can be a child and stay here with Koodie. It hurts, maybe she doesn't want to exist . . . . wait, she did something big recently? Maybe? Yes, something big, very big.

They said it was something the galaxy should thank her for, Koodie’s Force friends, wait, her Force friends. So she was not as insignificant recently. 

Time to wake up. She pushes hard and opens those eyelids. They open a little.

"Jyn?" 

It looks like a medical place. There are walls, a ceiling, wires, tubes, pings, and beeps. She feels so stiff. Her right side feels especially stiff. Her eyes, her eyes, something is different.

“Jyn?” 

Close eyes, open eyes. What was it that had been so big? 

“Jyn?” A face hovers closer to hers.

“Draven?” she croaks out looking at his eyes. Draven sees her eye roam the room in earnest. Then it stops taking the room in. 

Her brain has put the last details together. “Death Star Plans, Scarif, Team, Cassian . . . .”

Draven interrupts and says, ”You're on Yavin 4, in the Medbay, and you have a private room. You are recovering well and are quite strong even though you probably don't feel strong right now. 

“We owe you a great debt of gratitude. You led a group of rebels to do the impossible. It was an enormous, brave, and selfless thing to do, and no one could have rightfully demanded that you do it . You sent the plans, you led many into a risky battle and a lot of those fighters made it back alive.”

“How many?”

“15 out of 19 on the ground. Those in the air above, we lost a lot.” He told her who survived from the group on the ground. She’s relieved and sad in in equal measure. “The Empire was evacuating troopers because the Death Star was on its way there. With less troopers to fight, Kaytoo and Bohdi took imperial ships. Melshi and them put together an escape while you and Cassian got the plans and transmitted them.”

“When,”

“You got here 5 days ago, it’s been 8 days since Scarif.”

She pauses as she tries to unscrambled some niggling thoughts roaming her mind.

"Why are you telling me this alone? You didn’t . . . we . . . I’m a criminal. Are you a medic?” Words are fuzzy, they take a lot of time. What is his angle? What does he want?

“Yeah, not a medic,” he gives a small laugh with no mirth and looks down at his hands. He begins again, “Your injuries are extensive, and your health is complicated. When assessing your injuries, well, you’re pregnant.” He pauses. 

What. Did. He. Just. Say.

“By how far along, it likely happened on Wobani, which means it was probably not consensual.” He adds quietly and carefully. He's right, it had not been. The expression on her face confirms his hypothesis.

“Your recovery and your privacy are important. I brought in a doctor from another satellite base because she's the best we have for caring for complicated pregnancies. No one but me, her, Kes Dameron, and two med droids know you’re pregnant. You can make whatever decisions you want to about it, you can make them how you want to, and you can make them without everyone telling you what to do. You can decide who you want to know about it. Medical staff and I respect your decision making in this matter.”

With that, he stands up to go.

"Wait!" 

He stops and comes back to sit next to her. This whole time, it occurs to her, that after he was initially hovering over her when she woke up, he sat and kept their heads close to level. He isn't trying to intimidate her.

"I don't know what options I have.” She looks and feels distressed. It feels wrong and weak to ask. It isn't. With so many changes since Wobani, what the hell is this life she finds herself in? How would she know what choices are available here?

He looks at her for a long moment. She thinks he’s trying to figure her out, and she doesn't like it. He is actually trying to figure out how to tell her the options without weighting any as a "right" choice. 

"You are welcome to stay with the Alliance or to leave. You can end the pregnancy, you can stay pregnant, you can keep the baby, you can find an adoptive family, or we can find one for you if you prefer. If you want to you can give birth here or somewhere else, on or off an Alliance base.” This time, even though he is done talking, and even though he has an important meeting to get back to (a meeting which he isn't going to tell her he should be in), he doesn't get up to go. He stays sitting and waits and looks down at his hands. He doesn't know if she will talk or if he should talk, but he knows it is time to wait. 

"Thank you,” she says after awhile. Another question needs answering though. “I don't know, why you, why did you make sure you told me and not someone else, and that only you and medical know?” She looks quizzical and tired. 

"You're a sentient who deserves respect, but that isn't really the answer you're asking for. You want to know why I personally wanted things done this way." He looks down for a moment closes his eyes and takes a slow breath. He opens them and looks at her. “My mom was raped when I was seven, and just before I turned eight, my sister was born.” He smiles when he says his sister was born. “My sister is wonderful. My life would be much less without her in it. Anyway, I was old enough to see a lot of what my mom went through." 

He pauses again, and looks in front of him at the door. Jyn is about to speak when he starts to talk again. "Family and friends, when they found out, put her through a lot. There were all kinds of expectations put on her by those around her, and it was just wrong. I didn't understand it well, I just saw my mom was being hurt by people who were supposed to love her. I didn't know what to do. I just knew I loved my mom and wanted her to be ok.”

He looks at her and speaks again, “You're not my mom, the baby isn't my sister, whatever decisions you make are fine and yours to make. It's important to me that I do what I can to make sure you have the freedom to do this your way." He doesn't get up this time either, he looks down at his hands. After a minute with them both quiet, Jyn feels herself being pulled hard toward sleep. She goes over the conversation again and again committing it to memory, she doesn't want to forget while she sleeps. She feels her sluggish mind try to race. 

“Here’s a wrist Comm, and 547 is my direct line.” He shows her the Comm on her wrist. She suspects few have his direct number. When was she given a Comm? She didn’t have one like this before. What the fuck is on her hands? She holds up her hands to see the giant taped on mittens. Her eyes still feel off and, wait, one eye is, isn’t working? She can’t see her right hand properly when she gets it close to her face. She closes her left eye, and sees nothing. 

Draven sees she’s putting things together and that she looks more and more distraught. “Cassian, Kaytoo, Baze, Bohdi, and Shara have visited you. I'm sure Churrit would have if he could have. He was in a coma until late yesterday. He's still not too mobile. I’ll send your nurse in to explain more.” He pauses. This tough as nails woman looks tiny and baffled in her bed in a nest of tubes and wires. “Would you like me or someone to stay?”

"No, that's . . . yes, yes, please." A tear escapes from one eye. Her face has the look of one solving orbital mechanics problems in her head, she doesn't even notice the tear. She realizes she still doesn't know what the extent of her injuries are. She can feel that she has burns, and that her right leg and hip feel wrong. One eye isn’t working. And it's not an injury, but being pregnant must affects her health.

"Cassian and Baze are outside, I'll send one in. This is your nurse, Kes Dameron.” She nods a small yes while her eye demands that she close it. She tries to touch her face with a mittened hand 

Cassian and Baze have been waiting and watching the door. When Draven opened the door, Kes slipped in. Cassian and Baze both have unreadable looks, but they are there because they are suspicious. 

Draven decides to pretend he doesn't notice the suspicion. “Jyn’s conscious. Can one of you sit with her? Not sure she’ll be awake long."

Cassian and Baze both get up and start to walk over to the room, then stop and look at each other.

"I'll get you an extra chair." Says Draven before a discussion of who will sit with Jyn begins. Baze and Cassian are stunned.

Who is this guy? This general? He's not mad? He’s letting people change jobs? He left an important meeting for this and now he is getting chairs for people?

Jyn's working eye is half open when they walk in. Kes is taking her mittens off, and explaining some of her health issues. She is trying to take in everything he says before she falls asleep. He explains the nature of kyber burns, and a bit about her hip. Right about when he takes the bandage off her eye she can’t follow what he says anymore.

Baze sits while Cassian waits for the chair.

Cassian is so relieved she isn’t in a coma anymore. She’s so beautiful. She’s just so beautiful. He is a pensive man, taking in an analyzing every detail large and small, which makes him an excellent intelligence agent. He’s taken in many details since he received Jyn’s file. He didn’t like her at all initially. Now she’s beautiful. If she had acted ugly, he would not think she is beautiful. But she cares, she did what needed to be done though it was too much to ask of anyone, she fought, she protected, she saved a child she didn’t know when she could have stayed safe, she saved Kay from being shot, she gave Kay a blaster, she was very quiet, she was a storm, she protected him from the Death Star, she was watchful, she led an impossible mission, she gave them hope, she gave a dying man the words he desperately needed to hear . . . . twice.

She held her dying father. 

She told Cassian he was a good man. 

He wants to apologize for judging her. He hadn’t appreciated the strength it took for her to care again, to have hope again, after being cast aside so often until she talked with Melshi on the way to Scarif. He wants to apologize and explain that he gets it now. He hadn’t said anything at the time. He will apologize.

She’s so beautiful. 

She said I love you Cassian. He hadn’t heard, I love you Cassian, possibly since he was a child and his parents were alive. He loves Jyn too.

She said I love you, and it was a love with no requirements. He doesn't know if he is in love with her, but he thinks he might be. He doesn't know her well enough for that to mean anything anyway. Is she even into guys? Is she interested in their species? Does she have interest in people in that way? What will she be like once Wobani is farther in the past? It doesn't matter if he is or isn't in love with her he realizes, he will still make sure to apologize and also to tell her all the reasons she is beautiful. She’s been alone so much it’s unlikely anyone has told her how truly wonderful she is. He’d like to tell her he loves her, but is not sure how to without it being taken differently than he intends it to be.

Her eye closes while Kes is still talking to her. 

Draven arrives with a chair, and that’s how they find out Jyn is at least a little awake. "Thank you General Draven." Croaks Jyn with her eye closed.

"Call me Dav, and if you need anything, Comm me anytime day or night." And he leaves.

She has some idea Baze and Cassian are here and that Kes has left, but her energy is gone. That’s fine because she doesn't want to discuss pregnancy with her new friends because she thinks it might involve discussing rape with them. She does not want to do that right now, maybe not ever. The song with words she can’t remember is back anyway, so conversing outside her mind is difficult.

“Jyn?” Says Cassian, “Jyn?” Rhythmic breathing. He decides to put his hand gently on her’s. Maybe she will know she isn’t alone.

After a minute Baze breaks into his thoughts, “We're all she had before Scarif, why are they so secretive? Why isn’t she in bacta?”

“I don't know. I don’t understand either. Draven’s acting nice, but she isn’t better.” Cassian can't sort it. “Maybe it has to do with the kyber radiation?”

“Why is this song on again?” Interjects a put upon looking Jyn.


	4. Not alone

When she wakes up again, 4 hours have gone by. There is less weight to get out from under. She is alone, she feels alone, but then, her hand. Someone’s hand is on her’s. She notices Cassian is asleep in chair next to her, and he’s holding her hand. She’s not alone, maybe she won't be alone anymore. He said she was a good woman, he said her father would be proud.

She is pregnant too so in a way she can’t be alone. It had not been consensual, and it had been awful. She’d checked out of where she was as best she could while it happened. A full on fight wasn’t an option. There were three guards. She shudders at the memory. “Either we have you or those two. Your choice.” The other girls were young. They looked 16 to her. There was no choice, of course she would protect them. At least once, some other guards walked in and made the three stop. That probably saved her from being raped by them more often. That one of the monsters was the father of the child growing inside her made her angry. How dare they do that to the baby, her baby.

That’s when she realizes that to her the baby growing inside her feels completely independent of its father. The baby is itself, the father is nothing but a nasty bystander. Jyn didn’t know what she expected to feel about the bio-dad and its relation the baby but she knew it was possible that she would feel she had to end the pregnancy. She decides she will not to end it.

Cassian wakes up to see her awake and deep in thought. 

“Jyn?”

“Cassian,” 

A huge grin breaks out on his face. 

“Jyn! You survived, we survived,” and he's up and trying to give a gentle but substantial hug. 

“Cassian, how did we . . . wait your back?”

“It’s just a brace, they fixed me up already, my back will finish recovering under the brace.”

He sits down in his seat next to her. He has so much to tell her! To find out about her. “I’m so happy you’re awake!”

She smiles. He had her back, and he came back, more than once, and he’s gorgeous. 

“But you fell so far. You’re, you’re really ok?” Is he really here? She puts her hands on him, one on his face and one on his shoulder. She has to check again to make sure he’s real.

“I’m better, getting better. They operated on my back and my ribs. I had 3 bacta immersions.” He puts his hand over the one she has on his face and rubs it lightly. She lets go of his shoulder and she takes his other hand and holds it. She takes her other hand off his cheek, and he wishes it was still there, but then she puts it with her other hand that’s holding his. He puts his other hand there, and she holds both of his hands in hers. 

He has a lot to say and it all starts to come out of him in a rush, “Jyn, there is so much I have to tell you, maybe I said some of it before, it’s ok. I have to apologize. I’m so stupid. I thought we were the same, but you are so strong, a lot stronger than me. You cared again, and after you were alone. I lost my family, but I had the rebellion. I didn't understand at first. To care again, to hope again after no one had your back for so long, that takes so much more strength, and I’d judged you. I’m so sorry.”

“Oh, thanks?” Where had that all come from? That was really nice.

“And, you have to know why you are so beautiful! You’re a fighter. And you saved a little girl on Jedha just because it was right to do so. You saved Kaytoo! People don't block droids from being shot. You didn't really know him or me then either. Kaytoo remembers. You risked your life for strangers. You’re watchful, you’re strong. You went into a dangerous situation to try to comfort your father who you thought abandoned you. You went from abandoned to leading a group of mismatched loners on an impossible mission, and you made it feel possible. How did you make it feel possible? You are beautiful.” And I love you, but I’m not sure how to say I love you without it sounding like I need something in return, without it sounding weird.

She doesn't know what to say, she opens and closes her mouth a few times. She thinks she must look like a fish. Then she blushes and cries.

Shit, I made her cry, he thinks. What do I do now? “Please don’t cry, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, that was so, so, nice. No one’s said so many nice things to me since . . . ever.” He thinks she’s admirable, that’s crazy. But those things had all happened. She usually hates herself, and he makes her sound like an amazing talented person. She remembers he hates himself to, but she think he’s wonderful.

Beautiful? She doesn’t feel beautiful or pretty. In her mind, she usually looks underfed and doesn’t feel like the kind of curvy woman men and women are attracted to. With her eye and her new scars, she doesn’t know what she thinks being pretty is anymore. She believes Cassian when he says he thinks she's beautiful.

“Cassian,” she starts slowly as she wants to try to speak carefully. Her mind feels so disorganized still, “you, you’re wonderful. You look wonderful,” and handsome as ever, she thinks but doesn't say, “and you’re here. You came back. You came back. People don’t come back. And you, you’ve done great things to make things better for everyone. You have my heart always, for coming back, for not shooting my papa, for organizing a group to go on an impossible mission, for taking care of our group.” 

She can't make words work again, so she reaches for him and hugs him again and doesn't let go for awhile when she gets one. 

Eventually, she finds some more words, but she’s tired and her filters are truly off. “Thank you Cassian, you offered me a home, I didn’t have one and I do now. You’re my home. You’re a good man, I love you and I’m not the only one who does, and no one’s said . . . . wait what day is it?”

That’s an abrupt gear shift, “It's been 8 and a half days since Scarif.” She wasn’t sure it was the same day she talked to Draven. Since she’s spent most of that time in a coma, Cassian now thinks maybe he should have waited to say everything until her mind was a bit more ordered because he wonders if she meant to say all of that out loud. Will she remember? She said I love you, again, and like having love for someone like him is normal. He’s her home, that’s, that’s, 

He short circuits.

She is not filtering what she says like she normally does. She doesn’t care, too much mental energy would be required for that. Cassian’s safe. It’s ok to say too much to him.

Dr. Sol and Kes come in. “You’re awake!” Says the doctor. “I’m your doctor, Callice Sol, and this is your nurse, Kes Dameron.” Doctor Sol has visited Jyn many many times, but hasn't met Jyn conscious until now. When Jyn was awake before, Dr. Sol had been in surgery.

“We’ve met!” Says Kes, he has a big smile on. Getting her to coherent and awake has been an ordeal and it’s an accomplishment he’s proud to be a part of.

Dr. Sol starts talking again. “We’d like to talk to you and do an examination. I'm going to need you to wait outside Cassian.” The Twi’lek is quite tiny, she’s even shorter than Jyn. Kes is tall, tan, and handsome with curly brown hair. A lot of organic beings on base have a crush on him. 

Cassian sees Jyn is apprehensive. “Jyn, are you ok? I'll stay close, right out here,” Cassian points to the right of the door. Jyn looks scared still, maybe she is afraid to be examined by people she doesn't really know. Cassian remembers she barely knows him as well.

“I'm ok, yeah.” Jyn answers. “Can you come back in though, after if, if you have time?”

“Of course.” He replies and goes outside.

. . . 

Her injuries are worse than she realized and her body is exhausted trying to heal itself. Her muscles work surprisingly well though thanks to many tiny electrodes on netting that exercised her muscles while she was in the coma. That is a big relief.

Her recovery is complicated by the pregnancy and her proximity to the first wave of kyber radiation. Bacta in a bacta tank can't understand that a pregnancy isn’t a problem and would cause her to miscarry. She can have some small targeted bacta patches for burns though only for a short amount of time. She can have burn lotion too. Those are the options for treating her burns moving forward unless she ends the pregnancy. They’ll shrink a bit more, but they’ll still leave permanent scars.

“Oh well, they can match the Lectrorod scars.” She jokes. Callice and Kes look uncomfortable. She has A LOT of the scars on her back. The Lectrorod is used by Imperials and Slavers. Callice and Kes surmised she must have been hit with it often in the labor camp during her 6 month stay.

“You know the 4 day rule?” Asks Callice tentatively.

“Yeah, 4 days without treatment and they’re permanent.” Jyn replies like it’s no big deal. It isn’t to her.

Her right eye is still there, but it doesn't work anymore. The options for her eye are unclear. Her hip, pelvis, knee, and leg, basically her right side from the hip down, are a big problem. Between her injuries and the kyber radiation affecting her biologically, the bones and joints on that side are a mess. The medications that can be used to stabilize and regenerate bone mass are extremely limited by the pregnancy and also because they don’t all work well for kyber damage. At least Kyber radiation isn’t cancer causing and won’t shorten her life span. 

There are also an array of tubes with specific nutrients for her and the baby, and all calibrated quite carefully still attached to her. Dr. Sol runs those calculations and reevaluates them a couple times a day. 

Multiple targeted microsurgeries with local anesthetics are the main options for her hip and leg if she remains pregnant. They warn her that her mobility may not be what it was before, ever.

As they take her catheter out Dr. Sol says, “You have some more time to decide, but if you have decided you want an abortion, that factors in to available treatments too. We’re prepared either way.” 

Jyn had come to a conclusion. Especially now that both parents were gone, and she knew for a fact they were gone, she wanted this little Erso growing inside her enter the galaxy, and she didn’t give a fuck about who the dad was. “I’m not having an abortion. I haven't figured anything else out though, and I don’t want to tell people yet. So, when do we start microsurgery?” 

“We would like to do one now.” Says Doctor Sol.

“I uh, now?” 

“The sooner the better. The first one will be the worst, they’ll be easier after that. We can do it here and now. We’ll take out a couple more tubes and remove some more sensors first.” Adds Dr Sol. “We want to get you on your feet and exercising specific muscles and moving joints right after the targeted stabilization procedure.” 

“I’ll talk you through it while Doctor Sol does the procedure and stay after while she updates your medical logs,” adds Kes. “You won't be alone.”

“Yeah, ok.” She’s not sure about all this, but she doesn’t have a reason to wait.

“Would you like Cassian to be in here?” Asks Kes. 

Here? She's in a half open hospital gown with nothing under it. They are going to do things to her leg and hip. She's not really interested in having her whole bottom half on display for Kes and Callice and they see everyone’s genitals as part of their job, never mind Cassian. “After I think. Maybe you should tell him though, if it will take awhile. I have no idea what's happening out there with work and his job. He might have work and meetings and missions and can't wait.” 

Kes says, “Give me a minute, I'll check.” 

Kes finds him still sitting outside the door. “Cass, we have a procedure to do on Jyn, and while she doesn't want you to be there during, I think she would like you there after. She’s worried you might have work and won't ask you to interrupt it, but I’ll ask. Can you wait here or I'll Comm you after?”

“Yes, if I'm not here I’ll be close, like in the fresher or in the mess hall. Why isn't she in bacta? Why is she being denied?”

“Patients right to privacy and she’s not being denied anything,” Kes says quickly and curtly, then walks back into the room.

. . .

They warned her that there would be some discomfort. In fact there is a lot of discomfort. The local anesthetic can only do so much. She tries to stay quiet, to be tough, but tough isn't enough. Grunts, groans, and a yelp or two still escape during the microsurgery. 

When that part ends, Callice says, “Now, we move you and your leg and joints to make sure they don’t freeze up after the stabilization.” 

“Ok,” says Jyn with some trepidation. Kes and Callice help stand her up.

It. Is. Agony. 

Fuck staying tough, thinks Jyn. Just getting through it takes her entire focus. There is yelling, and gasps, and whimpering, and tears, and she doesn't care.

“Grrr, oww”

“. . . ok, I know. I’m sorry we need to turn your leg a little like this,” 

“ah, ah, oh, ahh, god . . . “

It doesn’t matter who can hear her and and it doesn’t matter that she’s half naked. Nothing matters because it fucking hurts. Callice and Kes are holding her up and moving her right leg and hip methodically and carefully, and Jyn no longer cares that lovely Callice and handsome Kes have front row seats to her legs, vagina, ass, and everything else she normally keeps hidden under many layers. She just wants it to fucking stop.

The door muffles a lot of sound, but it is not soundproof. Cassian really wants to run in and at least be there for her because it sounds bad, but he isn't going to be that guy. A controlling person would run in, and he doesn’t want to be controlling toward Jyn.

“One more, last one,” says Kes. Jyn whimpers, then tenses and focuses on getting through this last one, “Gggrrrraaaa, huh, huh, ahhh, ahhh, mmm.” 

“Ok, ok, all set, next time won't hurt nearly as bad ok, I promise, all done today, ok Jyn? Jyn?” Asks Callice, close to Jyn’s face trying to get Jyn to make eye contact. 

Jyn nods yes and meets her gaze briefly. She wants them to leave. All three of them are sweating. Callice leaves to log Jyn’s progress and Kes helps her back to bed. “You can get up with help when you want to to use the toilet ok?” She nods yes. Even though she is sweating a lot, she tugs the blankets up high. Only the top of her head and forehead peek out. She lays curled up on her left side. She starts to put her mind in some kind of order. Her face is red and blotchy and exhausted tears keep coming on their own, no sobs with them. She’s still breathing hard.

There’s something cool on her forehead. It’s a wet cloth . . . held by Cassian. She forgot she asked him to come in after the treatment. If Kes had asked after the treatment she would have said she didn't want him or anyone else there, but he hadn’t asked afterwards. Maybe he knew she wouldn't want anyone by then, but thought that it would help to have someone there anyway.

She peeks up to see Cassian’s mask of calm isn't holding up. He has the look of someone shaken but trying to hide it. She still kinda wants him to leave, but now she also kinda wants to comfort him. She’s mostly ok she thinks, it was a difficult treatment is all. After some labored breathing she croaks, “That feels really good. I'm ok.” She doesn't uncurl, but she turns her head a bit to look at his face better. She stops trying to completely hide. 

“Are you really ok?” Cassian asks tentatively (and incredulously).

“Technically yes.” She smiles a little. “It hurt, it still hurts, but it's fine.” She’s still breathing hard and trying to calm down. 

It’s quiet and she’s feeling sleepy until . . .

“I have to go to the toilet now, right now, help.”

“Should I get Kes?”

“No, now, we go now,” she shimmies off the bed and thank goodness Cassian’s there because she’d be on the ground if he wasn't. Her legs work, well mainly the left one, but they are both really wobbly. With Cassian holding her up on the right side, and her other hand grabbing the bed, then the chair, the crutch by the chair, and the wall and anything she can grab, they get to the little fresher. Cassian brings her IV stand which has her IV and some monitors on it.

He plans to leave her at the door to go to the toilet on her own, but she hasn't let go and it’s clear by then that she can't get there on her own. Her legs are not cooperating so she has no balance. He helps her maneuver down to sitting. She grabs at the rails, but is still falling forward while trying to get the gown out the way. He kneels in front of her holding her under her arms essentially in a hug. She thinks, thank Force I’m not wearing underwear because I can already barely get the damn gown out of the way!

His head is over her shoulder and he can feel her desperately pulling at the medical gown, “Can I help? Do you need help with underwear or something?”

“Not wearing any.” WHOOSH! The tension in her body disappears quickly and she rests her head on his shoulder, and her arms drop to her sides. She's breathing slower and deeper.

“Thank you, that's the best wee I've ever had.” She says into his shoulder. She puts her arms around him. “Oh gods, your back!” She tries to pull her weight back when she feels and remembers the brace. 

“It's fine, I'm fine, it’s just while my back gets better. It takes the pressure for me, so no problem.” He says into her ear. He moves his hands to holding her shoulders up and moves back so he can see her face. “If I go get Kes, I think you’ll fall over, so I'm gonna stay ok?” She nods in agreement. 

This is intimate and awkward in equal measure. Jyn does something she can’t remember doing before. She starts giggling, “I know I should be embarrassed, but I had to go so bad I just don't care! What stage of friendship is it when you hold someone on a toilet?!” 

He puts on a very serious face and says, “It's a big friendship milestone. We have to tell everyone we’ve reached the toilet level of friendship!”

“Oh, no, no, no one gets to know, like ever!” She's giggling a lot now.

“We have to send out an announcement! Then plan a party!”

Full on laughter, she can barely talk. She says, “The announcement will say Jyn and Cassian, toilet pals! P.S., Best Wee Ever!!” She cleans herself up under the gown and he helps her stand at the sink. She hobbles back to the bed with Cassian and the crutch, and Cassian brings the IV. They both think it was nice being in each other's arms even though there was peeing involved.

“I didn’t see anything. My eyes were up. Just, just wanted you to know.” Says Cassian unprompted.

“I was wondering and didn’t want to ask, thank you.” She replies sheepishly. “Hey,” she adds after a pause. “On Scarif, I said you’re a good man, I meant it. You’re beautiful too. And I’m tired. And you’re gorgeous. Why am I saying everything out loud? What happened to you and the team while I was out?”

. . . 

The next morning, Shara brings her some proper clothes, including real pajamas that she picked up at the Quartermasters. Kes asked her to bring them and now he can finally introduce Shara to a conscious Jyn. He also has to move her joints more. He, Callice, and a medical droid help her stand and practice balancing. It's progress, but not much, but it hurts much less than the first time.

“Shara, thanks, I haven’t had pajamas since, well, I was eight. These are really nice.” They’re soft, and a nice color, and not stolen. They’re really nice.

“I’m glad you like them.” Shara doesn’t have the heart to tell her they’re available as necessary from the quartermaster’s office, nothing special. Jyn just seems so happy.

Jyn likes Shara almost immediately regardless of the pajamas. Shara is strong and opinionated and not quiet. They talk about pros and cons of different kinds of astromechs for various fighter crafts.

Cassian drops in later for a short visit. It’s nice to see Jyn in something other than a hospital gown. She looks more normal. She’s in real pajamas with a dark green top and dark gray bottoms and a cream colored robe. It makes her look a little like the Jedi of old. “They’ve got us all working more, but you should Comm us whenever you want to. Churrit is finally partly discharged.” He pauses, it’s just the two of them now. “I told Draven I can't be the spy I was before, no more deep cover and no assassinations.” He uses his hands to make the shape of a scope. “He said ok.”

She’s surprised and she’s happy to hear this. He gives everything for this cause, thank Force he’s made some limits. “I’m going through the files to see what that means for the intelligence department, and it's making me busy. I want to stay here more, with you. Please, seriously, Comm me anytime day or night.” 

Someone who came back wants to spend time with me. People I want to spend time with who also want to spend time with me. It’s nice. It’s unexpected. “I will. I'll for sure Comm you every time I need to go to the toilet.” She deadpans and he laughs. Jyn likes that she can make Cassian smile and laugh. The smiles even reach his eyes. 

The question of what she will do for the Rebellion outside of the Medbay, that is starting to bother her. She’s not sure what to do about it yet.


	5. Little big steps

In the middle of the day, Kes says she's going to be moved to the common area of the Medbay but she'll have a curtained off area. She’ll likely sleep in the Medbay for awhile yet, because Callice wants her close for monitoring. She will get out during the day though. 

A medical droid Jyn hasn’t see before and Kes come to see her to discuss a cybernetic eye. “You’re right eye will not repair itself, but can be supplemented with cybernetics. I can patch into the existing connections between your eye and brain. First, I will put an implant into your optic nerve, then cybernetic eye attachments will be attached to it. We will test which eye attachment works best for you. The initial implant makes maintenance and changes easier. I’ll start now.” 

“Wait! I'm not ready yet!” Jyn says.

“Why not?” Asks the droid.

“I just want to think on it for a little bit.” 

“Ok, you have 10 minutes.” And the droid leaves the room.

Kes speaks up, a little sheepishly, “That droid won't be here long, and it's the eye expert with the proper built in tools. I'm sorry, we kinda sprung this on you. It wasn't clear when the eye one would be on base.”

“Should I get the eye?” Asks Jyn.

“It's not my decision.” 

“If it were you or Shara, what would you do?” Kes smiles a little. Jyn is observant, because whatever is between him and Shara, it isn’t defined. She noticed there’s something there.

“I'd get the implant. The sooner the better so the mind and eye connection keeps working. It may not be a look you like at first because you won’t expect to see it when you look in the mirror for awhile.”

“It's ok, I'll do it now.”

10 minutes later, the implant is in. It was put in during what Jyn would describe as an awkward but not painful procedure. Now different visual attachments are being plugged into it. It is very disorienting and Jyn gags a lot and throws up 5 times before she settles on one of the eyes that is close enough for now. The attachments don’t work well right away, so she can only make the decision based which eye inputs colors in the same way as her other eye. It won't focus or even look where she wants it to for some time yet.

It also doesn’t look like an eye. It looks like a small metal purple patch from the front. The implant is on the right side of her right eye. The purple attachment attached there. In theory she should be able to see it in the mirror, but since it roams like crazy, there’s no point in looking yet.

“You’ll eventually be able to tell it to ‘close' for sleep, for blinking, winking, and all those reasons you organics close your eyes for. It doesn’t close physically, but it will close and blink to your mind’s eye. It will act like your original eye as far as your mind can tell.” Explains the med droid.

Soon after Bohdi comes to take her to dinner. It will be her first time out of the Medbay since returning from Scarif He can't cover his shock at her eye. It looks fine, it's just a startling change.

“Is it bad?” 

“NO! I'm jumpy and weird, it's just weird . . . not weird, it’s just new and different.” Bohdi says. “It looks cool actually.”

She smirks, “yeah, it makes me look dangerous.”

“You’re already dangerous.”

“But now I look it!” 

He laughs. “Like a desperate pirate queen.” She laughs, then he continues. “I came here to, to, . . I have a chair, I'll take you . . . ,” he trails off.

“You came to take me somewhere in a chair,” she prompts.

“To dinner! Yes! The mess hall!” He's happy and she officially likes how happy remembering makes him. 

He takes her to the mess in a hover chair. Chirrut, Baze, Melshi, Kaytoo C (called Kaytoo C because he often follows Cassian), Kaytoo B (he often follows Bohdi), Shara, Kes, Stordan, Rodma, Bistan, and Cassian are at a few tables pushed together. Bohdi brings Jyn in. While she’s seen them since she woke up it wasn't all at once and they’ve all been working together and it feels like it's been awhile and she isn’t sure if she should join their rowdy group and, and, and. All those notions are dispelled because Bohdi is bringing her there anyway and they are all excited to see the two of them. 

“Jyn! Bohdi! Come sit!” Cassian makes space between him and Shara. There is a lot of surreptitious looking at her new cybernetic eye, but nothing said about it.

“What would you two like to eat?” Asks Kes. 

“Ummm,” Jyn doesn’t know what they have, and she's still really nauseous from the cybernetic eye. 

“How about I'll get tea for you?” Says Kes. She nods yes. She’s relieved he covered for her so she wouldn't have a big eating drinking discussion right now. 

“Something healthy?” Asks Bohdi.

Kes nods yes and goes. 

“Jyn,” says Kaytoo C.

“Jyn,” says Kaytoo B.

“Jyn,” says Kaytoo C.

“Jyn,” says Kaytoo B.

“Yes?” Replies Jyn.

“Who’s Koodie?” Asks Kaytoo C.

“How big is Koodie?” Asks Kaytoo B.

“K B and C she just got here!” Exclaims Cassian.

“Koodie was a stuffed toy tooka cat I had when I was little. He was small.” Says Jyn. Why was he asking about Koodie?

Draven walks by, “Jyn, can I see the eye?” 

“Oh, ok.” She turns the chair toward him and he holds her chin and looks it over. It's weird and they’re all quiet. Kes returns with food. Draven is still examining her eye.

“Draven got the eye droid.” Kes says quietly to Jyn.

“Is it working well?” Draven asks with curiosity in his voice.

“I think so? The droid says it takes a lot of adjusting, right Kes?”

“Yup, it shouldn't take too long.” Says Kes. It will take a week he thinks for her vision to clear, but it should look in the direction she wants it to much sooner. 

Draven still has his hand on her chin, “It looks good.” He let's go and leaves.

“Can it help other eye stuff?” Asks Bohdi.

Kes is about to answer, but Chirrut speaks first. “It can’t help me. Jyn’s new eye only works because can be connected with the optic nerve after losing sight recently. I went blind too long ago. That kind of eye won't help me get my vision back. Jyn’s eye was the most damaged in the Medbay right?” He’s addressing Kes.

“I can’t say, but, you’re usually right.” Says Kes.

Shara asks Churrit, “How is it that you still beat us all at Sabacc?”

“Even I don't know,” laughs Baze.

“Is it the force?” Asks Bohdi. “It's the force right?”

“Nope!” Says a smiling Churrit. He reads people well with or without the force. 

They keep discussing while Kes ducks near Jyn and has a quiet side conversation, “We shouldn’t turn the eye off, but I can cover it for a little break from the nausea. I can cover it up now so you can at least drink something.” Says Kes.

“Yes, please.” Everything is blurry in the cybernetic eye. From the outside the eye appears to be still, but it’s roaming all on its own without any regard to what the other eye wants to do and won’t close when she tells it to. She keeps “seeing” things that aren’t there. A medical eyepatch takes care of it for a little while. 

“How many teeth did he have?” Asks Kaytoo C when Kes finishes covering Jyn's eye.

“What?” Asks Shara.

“Jyn, how many teeth did Koodie have?” Asks Kaytoo C again, not sure why she is confused by the question.

Jyn slams the table really hard tipping her tea over and making everyone jump. “WHAT WERE THE WORDS TO THAT FUCKING SONG!!!” 

. . . 

The next day brings more treatments. Two treatments later, she can walk with two forearm crutches outside the Medbay in the afternoon. She exercises outside doing laps on the right side of the hangar. That's where Bohdi finds her. 

“You’re moving a lot!” He says.

“You’re covered in grease, what have you been doing?” 

“I've been fixing, something,” he looks at his hands because he knows they were working, but not what they were working on.

“Is it in the hangar?” She supplies.

“What? What's in the hangar?”

“Is the thing you are fixing in the hangar?” She asks calmly because she knows he’s trying and she wants to help.

“I'm the pilot! I'm working on a U-wing.” 

“I'm working on walking. Can you have dinner with me in the Medbay tonight?” Jyn asks.

“Yes, but I might forget.” He looks down at his shoes.

“I'll remember for both of us.” 

He smiles at her. She wants to talk to him more to see if she can help him with remembering post Bor Gullet. She remembers what people were like after being tortured by it from her Partisan days.

He walks back to the hangar. After he goes into it, it hits her how exhausted she is. She wishes he was still with her because going back is going to be a problem now that she stopped moving. She overdid it.

A short orange and gray astromech droid is heading toward her. He’s an old C-Series. They don’t make those anymore. She can hear him grumble as he heads to her. 

“Braca chacka bracca chracca.”

“Really? I'm Jyn, and you are?” 

“Bucca bucca grappa chucka.”

“Nice to meet you Chopper.” 

He gestures towards her legs and crutches. He lets out a long string of brucca’s and chucca’s and grumbles.

“What?” Then she decides to play along. “Yeah, forgot how my ambulatory unit works. So irresponsible of me.” 

He says she’s a stupid human “under his breath,” and she decides she likes this maladjusted droid a lot.

“I do need help getting back to the Medbay though Chopper.” 

“Brucca brucca bricca brucca.”

She snorts, “I can wait for a human because it's a human error?” He’s so aggressive, she might be in love. She can barely suppress her laughter. “How about you help me anyway please?” She rarely asks for anything this nicely from anyone let alone a droid who’s calling her a stupid human. 

“Grumpa, gruppa grumma grin”

Now she laughs outright. “Thank you Chopper. And yes, feel free to tell everyone all about my ambulatory irresponsibilities. I promise I’ll calibrate better in the future.” Despite insulting her, the grumpy astromech is content to go extra slow for Jyn, and lets her put her weight on him as they make their way toward the Medbay.

. . . 

With treatments and monitoring, she still spends a lot of time in the Medbay. She sleeps there because a medical bed is what she is supposed to sleep on for now, and because Dr. Sol wants the droids and nurses to be nearby and to check in on her at night. 

Dr. Sol is traveling between bases again, so often a med droid or Kes are who Jyn sees.

Jyn thinks about little Erso often even when she's with her friends, but still, only Kes, Dr. Sol, two med droids, and Draven know. 

Shara had been coming to see Kes when she could, but when Jyn arrived, even though she was unconscious, Shara spent time with her. She finds she likes Kes less as time goes on though because while he does things for Jyn and her recovery, she’s getting better so much slower than everyone else. 

Shara doesn’t believe his explanations for why Jyn isn’t getting the usual treatments such as a bacta tank anymore. She likes Jyn a lot though.

“Jynnie, can you help me with an astromech today?” Shara might be the only person who gets away with calling Jyn Jynnie. 

“I can help for an hour. I’m going for a walk with Chopper then. I promised him earlier. What kind of droid?”

“BB-1 unit. How do you deal with Chopper?”

“He’s so sweet.”

“He’s a right nightmare to most people.” 

Jyn smiles. “So the BB unit?”

“It’s a BB-1 Astromech. It’s finicky, but when it works it works well. Yeah, it’s over here.”

“Are these your tools or borrowed?” asks Jyn. Shara’s name is on the toolkit. 

She’s a little alarmed at Jyn’s level of surprise. “They are mine, but some became mine after being borrowed.” Jyn is looking at the box of tools like most people look at a new top of the line speeder. Shara sees longing. “You need some tools?”

“No, I, maybe, maybe someday.” Says Jyn, “I would like some, but just like a spanner, a hammer, and a pick kit.”

“I can ask around.” Shara decides to ask Jyn directly, “Are they going to put you in bacta?”

“I get bacta, I just can’t go in a tank though.”

“Why not?”

“I react poorly to it. That’s why only a little.” She doubts Shara will accept this explanation because she’s never heard of a bacta tank allergy, but it’s worth a try. “Where did you learn to fix these things?”

“I learned to put them together by taking a lot of broken things apart. I heard you’re amazing with forgeries though. Do you want some tools for that?”

Jyn looks hurt, did everyone know her criminal past? “How did you know about that?”

“You told me,” Shara smiles. “When you were unconscious sometimes you and Koodie made documents while digging holes in the sand.”

Jyn doesn’t feel hurt anymore. She laughs. “Geez, me and Koodie were busy! Yeah, I’m pretty good at that stuff. I don’t know if it would be appreciated though, I got arrested for it.”

“I think intelligence could use your skills. There are a lot of us who’d like an extra set of docs just in case. I'd like a set in case I crash somewhere.”

“I’ll make you some, I just need to find certain equipment. What happened to the droid?”

“Three of the tool bay disks are stuck. I’ve fixed them before, but they just get stuck again later. I’m worried it will keep happening. Lemme show you. I’m really not sure how to make it stop.”

“I don't know much about fixing those.”

“Not a problem, extra eyes looking it over helps.”

They fix the droid, but they only find a partial solution for the changeable disks today. It’s likely to happen again.

Chopper comes for her right on schedule. 

Chopper wants to help her walk better and ask her all his most pressing questions the other organics, protocol droids, and other droids are too annoyed to answer. Jyn’s not exactly patient, but she is with Chopper. It helps that she finds his questions ridiculously entertaining.

“Whhuppp, whhuupp, whooba, wonk?” Asks Chopper

“Do Lasat’s smell bad? No, just different. Zeb smells great.” She answers.

“Woooo woooo woo.”

“Does too.”

“Whippa whippa chucka chucka creeee?”

“No, don’t worry, Ezra only goes through puberty once.”

“Brucka brucka chucca?”

“I’ve already gone through puberty. I’m a girl, it wouldn't be like Ezra.”

“Whu whu whu wooo woo?”

“He's a boy.”

“Wooo chucka chucka?”

“Ezra wasn't a girl turned to a boy. He's been a boy all along. I've been a girl all along. I've been through puberty already.”

“Wucca brucca woooo waaaa.”

“I have too, really! I'm just small, it doesn't mean I'm not an adult.”

“Whuppa gruppa”

“I’m not a boy, really I’m not. I wouldn’t lie to you.”

“Whuuppa gruppa wooooo wooo woo.”

“Yeah sometimes a person’s born one gender outside and another inside, so they change the outside to match. That’s not actually puberty. Good observation though.” This droid picks up on a lot.

“Brick braca whup whup?”

“A manual for humans and Twi’leks, the Medbay might have books and files that are kind of like manuals. Don't take them though, just copy them maybe.”

Whuppa whuppa woooo-ooooo-ooo.”

“I don't know how to help a depressed droid either. I’d like to meet this AP-5.”

“Fllurph.”

“I'm not lying!”

It goes on until she has to go for therapy.

She is still torn between wanting to stay with her friends and wanting to leave until after the baby is born. She doesn’t know if she wants to keep the baby or give it to a family. She wants to stay with her friends if possible, she just can't decide if she wants them to know she’s pregnant. 

She also feels more and more ruined by her messed up life as a Partisan, a forger, a prisoner, and another incident she is afraid to acknowledge out loud. Of course she isn't ruined but the thought crosses her mind a little more often each day, and since she hasn't said anything about it, no one is contradicting her false and problematic inner narrative.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Chopper!!


	6. Hallucinogenic drinks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My husband likes this chapter.

Kes finds her crying holding a coat in one hand and a snack in the other. There’s an old data pad near her as well. She’s sitting on her bed in the Medbay. He’s seen this kind of scene often enough while working in the rebellion, especially in the Medbay, that he knows what it means. “Jyn?”

She looks up fast and startles a little, then she turns away. “Kes, I’m, umm.”

He comes and sits close, right next to her. “What’s happening?” It’s nonchalant and like he’s asking about the weather and not pushing her to explain why she’s crying. 

“Not much. I’m here, you’re there. I probably can’t pretend I’m not crying.”

“I don’t see any tears.” He winks. She smiles. “What’s bothering you?”

She bites her lip. “Nothing. You said you don’t see tears?” She’s kind of daring him to back off.

He decides to ignore the dare. He pauses before speaking “It’s different having things like clothes, tools that are yours, and a steady supply of food.” Says Kes.

“Yeah.” 

“Mmm-hmm.” He agrees. Neither of them says anything for a little while.

She eventually says, “It’s a lot.”

“A lot how?”

She takes her time. “Like, clothes, and an eye, and my own space when I get out of the Medbay, and, and, I can’t pay for it. I can’t pay for it. I don’t deserve it.”

“It’s very different, isn’t it? Than what you’re used to.”

“Yeah.”

“How did you get clothes before you came here?”

She laughs a little. “Well, scrap piles or I stole them.”

“You’re not the first person who’s joined and been surprised to have real food and clothing and medical care available.”

“Really? What do they do?”

“Well, we usually just talk about it.”

“Ummm, how?” She’s wonders if he means therapy.

“You say what’s on your mind, I listen. Then I talk. Then you talk.”

She laughs. “You just explained how talking works.” Geez, this guy. She punches his shoulder. “Ok, yeah. It’s a lot of stuff. A lot more than I deserve.”

“What do you deserve?”

“I don’t know. I can’t pay for all this though. It’s a lot. I’ll owe you all for a long time.” She’s distressed.

“That’s not how this works. You don’t owe us. We’re a big group with a large network and a lot of support. We’re fighting for ourselves and on behalf of a lot of others who can’t. The supplies are shared and mostly constant because of that network. What each of us needs at a given time varies, and that’s fine. Sometimes we need a lot, sometimes only a little.” He looks at her new eye. “It’s really different than what you’ve experienced.”

“Yeah. It’s really ok though? It feels like a trick.”

He puts his hand on her upper back and taps it gently with a fist. “It’s not. I can’t make it feel like it’s normal for you, but I can tell you it is. You deserve food and medical care. You just do. And you have done a lot, and I’m sure you’ll do more. You can talk to me and Callice and any of the other nurses about this kind of thing too. We take care of the whole patient.”

“I just don’t know how to be useful now, or where I’ll fit.”

“You’ve already been useful in battles, and here helping to fix things, chilling Chopper out.” She laughs. “No seriously, that crazy droid has single handedly turned battles for the Rebellion. He’s a nightmare though. Him functioning cooperatively benefits all of us.”

“Ok, but Chopper calmer downer doesn’t sound like something I should be paid for. He’s my friend, I like talking with him.”

“Ok, just, don’t worry about deserving food and medical help, I mean try not to. You have skills, you’ll find places you fit.” They wait.

“Am I blotchy?” She finally asks.

“Yeah, not too blotchy though.”

“I’m hungry but I don’t want to go to the mess all blotchy.”

He looks at his Comm. “Well, it’s time for my break, so I can go on ahead and save you a seat. You can come when you want to. I’ll bring back food if you decide not to come.”

She heads to the canteen 11 minutes later.

Draven comes to talk to her later. “Jyn, I’m putting you in the intelligence division. You’ll report to me only for now. You won’t have to tell anyone about the pregnancy until and if you want to. I can make sure whatever you’re asked to do takes your full condition into account without telling anyone.”

“Did Kes talk to you?”

“Part of his job is caring for your whole well being, so yes. Don’t be mad at him.” It’s a command, so her hackles go up, but she pushes to smooth them because Kes and Callice are sort of god like to her.

“Thank you Dav. What’s my assignment?”

“Currently to recover more. We’ll talk assignments later.” 

“I have skills, I can be useful.”

“I know that! We’ll still talk later.” And apparently that’s the end of that for now.

. . . 

“Jyn,” says Callice, “your eye is making it hard to eat, but you need to eat anyway. I have a pain medication that’s safe for human pregnant women and it will also help with the nausea.”

“I don’t really like taking meds.” Jyn says quietly. 

Callice gives Jyn her best don’t even think about not listening to my instructions look. “I need you eating properly now. It’s important so you and the baby do well. You will take the damn pill.”

“Yes Ma’am.” Jyn takes it. Callice and a med droid start the stabilizing treatment.

“That’s better. Now the medication can have some side effects.”

“What?” Shit, Jyn’s immediately nervous.

“Don’t worry, most of the time humans experience no side effects. Some experience an increased need to urinate, there can be some numbness in your extremities, you may feel an increase in anger, or you may feel less inhibited and more euphoric.”

Jyn’s nervous now, hopefully it will all be fine like Callice said. She stops being nervous when the medication kicks in because she does experience a side effect, the last one. 

. . .

That evening Yavin is setting and the sky is beautiful just outside the hangar. Many Alliance members are out flying around the galaxy looking for the plans and Leia. The recovering Rogue One crew and others who don’t fly are on base. Shara the pilot is there as well because her fighter craft is broken. 

“The plans are still gone.” Bohdi states in a flat resigned tone.

“I WANT A DRINK” announces Shara. It’s not so much of a changing the subject as it is high jacking the subject. “I’ve got some stretention wine, and some homemade stuff to make you forget your species.”

“I don’t have anything to share, but I want a drink Shara.” Says Baze.

“You shall have one then good sir.”

“I’ve got some bespian dog juice.” Says Cassian.

“Fuck, you do not. You really do? I want some more than I want anything else in the world, go get it!” Shara orders. Kes gives her a concerned look. She purposely doesn’t look at him. These drinks are all fine, but all together might mean ending the night in the Medbay unless you’re a Wookiee. “Jyn, What do you want to drink?”

“I don’t drink. Ends badly. Can I hang out anyway?” Jyn and drinking in the past went together badly, so it’s a hard no with or without the pregnancy.

Shara acts faux disappointed. “Ok, fine. Melon juice?”

“Yes please.”

“Shara, you want some . . . help.” Kes starts to ask but stops when she leaves. God I hope it’s not the fix Jyn stuff Jyn thinks to herself. Kes looks her way, and gives a small smile, then looks down and shuffles his feet a little. He looks forlorn. And he’s been by her side taking care of everything and often before she even asks. How many patients fall in love with their nurses she wonders. She’s got some kind of crush on him. It must be a high number of crushes for a good nurse. 

“Kes, wanna play Sabacc?” Asks Jyn. 

“No, not really. I’ll go get cards anyway.”

“Bohdi, let’s get some food to go with the drinks.” Says Churrit. Thank god they all think separately.

“I have music.” Adds Rodma.

“Perfect! Bistan, do you have a music player?” Asks Stordan. He does! “I’ll help you get it.”

“I’d like to dance with you Bistan!” Adds Jyn. She thinks about the potential mobility issue, but figures dancing is fine, she can adapt. 

“Jyn?” Cassian is up and sort of shuffling back and forth a bit near her. “I’m gonna get the drinks, I can bring Lapis cards too, if you want to play Smugglers Infinitives.”

She smiles, “Sure, I don’t know how to play that one. Can you teach me?”

He brightens, “Yeah, you’ll like it.”

When he gets back, Bistan is already dancing with Jyn. Bistan is shorter than her, so she’s sitting and turning herself this way and that with one arm around Bistan’s shoulder and the other moving with the song. 

“Jyn, did you go through Mephonsar Tolarzen?” Asks Stordan. 

“I did. They have a lot of clubs.” She replies.

“And dances. Do you know any of the Shemzar Dances?” 

“I only know a little. They looked fun.”

“Wanna dance? I think we can make it work without aggravating your right leg.” 

“Ok then, yes!” Jyn and Stordan dance away and back, and laugh a lot. They’re not actually flirting, it’s more like reminiscing about past places they’ve both been. Rodma hadn’t realized just how much she liked Stordan until some unbidden jealousy flares. Cassian finds himself suddenly a little jealous as well. And he realizes Jyn is a lot more open tonight, which is nice, but it is odd.

“Ok, wait, if I have you on this side, you can put that crutch away, but is this comfortable?”

“Lemme turn it a little, and, wait, switch arms, but hold me up a bit here,” she place one of his hands, “and if we skip the left spins, it should work. Wait, you’ll be holding me up for that part, and I weigh lots.”

“You don’t weigh lots you tiny maniac.”

“I do, I just need to put rocks in my pockets.” Jyn decides she kinda likes dancing more than she thought. 

When the song ends, Jyn is loud. “Oye, Bistan, one more? Hey Stordan, want to dance with Rodma? Rodma, you know this dance?” Jyn wonders why she’s talking more than usual. Bistan is always energetic, and fun, and he takes direction about as well as she does. She’s tired after that dance. When a slow song comes on, Cassian is about to ask her to dance but she interrupts his thinking. “What’s this game you’re gonna teach me, Smuggles?”

“Smuggler’s Infinitives. Come on over.” He’s slightly crestfallen about not getting to dance with Jyn. He looks down as he passes out the cards. “So, you like dancing. Did you do that dance a lot?”

“No, I only saw it done a lot. There are clubs on Mephonsar Tolarzen that are see through. Me and the street kids would watch from the outside. There were so many lights, and so many kinds of songs. We’d try the moves, and” she swings her arms and wriggles a bit, “ow. Ok, maybe I’ll skip that for now. SHIT!” She slaps both hands over her mouth. 

“What? Are you ok?” Cassian asks and heads closer to see if he can help.

“Side effects. Callice said my new pain med might mean less inhibition. I’m talking way too much!”

“You are not, you don’t talk much to begin with.”

“Neither do you! But I’m sure I’ll say something stupid.”

“Feel free! I like hearing you talk. Now lemme explain the game.”

With drinks, food, music, and friends it’s a small party outside the hangar. A little later Zeb and Kanan join in, along with Melshi and Kaytoo C. Draven even shows up with some good outer rim beers and food. A slightly tipsy Churrit still beats a slightly tipsy Draven at Sabacc.

“Don’t tell Mon Mothma I’ve had some drinks.” Draven tells Churrit conspiratorially.

“Why?” Asks Churrit because what would be the harm in him being little buzzed.

“She’ll try to get information out of me.” The hard to surprise Churrit is surprised by this answer.

Shara was feeling down, and wanted to feel nothing and everything. She rebuffed Jyn and Kes’ subtle attempts to slow her drinking down. Finally Baze takes care of it. 

“Shara. You. Me. Strip Dejarik.” 

“YES!” She replies. Soon, she realizes she doesn’t actually want to strip, so she slows the drinking down to concentrate. Baze, as it turns out is fine with stripping! He doesn’t actually need drinks to do so, though he has some. Neither removes too many items of clothing as the night goes on.

Kes feels hurt. He and Shara don’t have a label on what they are, but it hurts tonight. Fuck it, he decides he’ll have a good time anyway, maybe even get a real buzz going. He plays Sabacc with Bohdi and plays worse as time goes on. He gets up for a drink now and then too.

When Bohdi leaves for the fresher, Kes watches Jyn, Cassian, Melshi, and Kaytoo C play.

“Jyn, you already knew this game didn’t you?” A buzzed Cassian says.

“No! I just learn fast!” She replies totally innocent. He tilts his head and stares until she confesses. “Fine, I already knew how to play and I’m pretty good at it.”

“Really good, you wiped the floor with Melshi, KC, and me!”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Interjects Kaytoo C with his own version off a huff.

Kes turns to Jyn and says, “You’re playing that game so good.” Then he looks really annoyed. “And you and Cassian and hearts and smiles. There are all these cats in the way. They sat on your hair. And the plans, covered in cats.” He’s looking all around. Cats must be on the ground and in the sky.

Jyn’s eyebrows rise higher and higher. What is he seeing? What the fuck did he drink? She’s up on her crutches and closes the distance between them. She takes his face in her hands. Thank goodness the forearm crutches can stay on while she uses her hands. “Kes, look at me, please Kes.” Jyn’s trying to corral his eyes. She keeps his face in her hands and he looks thoroughly dejected. “What did you drink?”

“Shara’s homemade stuff.” He hangs his head and puts his hands in his hair and he’s really depressed now. “What’s the point when all the, when all the,” He stops and looks up at her really concerned. He looks Jyn in the eyes and tells her very seriously, “the spiders in the ice, they steal all the spoons, and I mean ALL of them.”

Fine, I’ll ask louder. “HOW MANY DRINKS OF SHARA’S STUFF?”

“I don’t know . . . . not enough.” Why is she asking him such a stupid question while all these damn cats are wrecking the place?

KC knows, “He had one glass of bespian dog juice and 11 shots of Shara’s stuff.”

Shara’s head swings around and she stares at Kes in horror. “GET HIM TO THE MEDBAY NOW! 4 is a lot, 11 will kill him!”

Kaytoo C moves fast and picks Kes up then hurries to the Medbay. Jyn feels like she owns the Medbay and Kes takes care of her so she better take care of him now. She grabs Cassian’s hand and puts it around her elbow to make sure he comes with her. She follows Kes and Kaytoo C quite determinedly, and Cassian stays at her side. Shara’s a bit more drunk, and a lot more afraid. She follows but it’s slow going. Draven puts an arm under hers and helps her there because she keeps listing to the left. 

When Jyn and Cassian get there, Kes is paranoid and beside himself still, and since he’s hallucinating, he really does see another him next to himself once or twice. “Why am I over there?!? I’m supposed to be here!”

“Kes! Kes! What do you see honey?” Asks Jyn. He’s on a bed now and Kaytoo C is keeping him on it by holding Kes’ right shoulder and right leg down. Two medical droids are hooking up IVs and tut tutting while Jyn tries valiantly and loudly to keep Kes’ attention on her and reality. She’s standing on Kes’ left. Cassian’s at her side.

“Jyn,” Now he’s terrified, and puts one arm around her back and one hand around her neck then pulls her uncomfortably close. Kes whispers, “Koodie’s coming.” 

“What?” She replies.

“Koodie, your Koodie. He’s so pissed.” He whispers a little louder. His eyes dart back and forth.

“No, he can’t. He’s just part of my dreams, in here.” She taps her head. He won’t let go. “He can’t get out.”

“Jyn, he’s coming. He hates me. He’s gonna kill me.”

Kaytoo C adds, “He does have a lot of teeth from what I’ve heard.”

“Not the time K.” Hisses Cassian.

Kes’ hold is getting too tight. Jyn has to crawl up on the bed with him because he’s pulling her so close like she’s a stuffed toy and he’s a child afraid of thunder, lightning, and the dark. She’d have to hurt him to get away and she doesn’t want to hurt him or spook him. His eyes are darting all around looking at invisible creatures. 

“KES! Me and Cassian, we can keep Koodie away. Let go a little ok.” Then in a hiss toward Cassian who is over her shoulder, “Help me, it’s too tight.”

He nods. “Kes, hey friend. Let’s not hold Jyn so tight. She can’t keep Koodie away if you hold her too tight.” He works to pry Kes’ hands to be at least a little looser. He won’t let go, but it’s more bearable. She’s still trapped on a medical bed in the arms of a terrified Kes.

“Careful, he has a lot of teeth.” Says Kes in a low conspiratorial whisper to Jyn.

“Koodie likes me Kes, he’s my best friend. You’re my friend and I like you. Koodie has to like you, he can’t possibly hate you.” 

Kes pulls her head to his heart. His hold is still bearable, and now she can hear and feel his heart rate, and it is a mess. He’s a little less paranoid now but much more angsty. It’s some sort of existential crisis. “Sometimes, sometimes this job is so hard. Then force ghosts come and bother the patients and their imaginary friends,” and that grabs Jyn’s attention in a new way and sets off all sorts of alarm bells in her head, “and it’s like who is the fucking universe and all the fucking for. So much fucking. No wonder there are so many cats. It’s beautiful when Shara’s in it.”

“Is he gonna be ok?” Asks an alarmed Draven who has arrived with Shara.

“Kes? Kes honey?” Asks Shara with a lot of trepidation coming up on Kes’ right, next to Kaytoo C.

“Shara, Cassian and Jyn, they’ll keep you safe from Koodie. ‘S ok. And I’ll marry Cassian and you marry Kaytoo,” Says Kes.

“I will not marry Shara.” Interrupts KC.

“Shh, we know, it’s fine, play along.” Cassian hiss-whispers.

Kes gets louder and more insistent. “He has to marry Shara, K you have to! Don’t ruin the prophecy metal pants. Jyn’s gotta fight a supernova and stare down Vader and make the scan docs for Dejarik pieces, then, then she’ll make kittens,” and he swings from insistent to suddenly disgusted and tired.

“Cassian, I don’t think Jyn can make kittens.” Says KC in a grave voice. “And I’m not wearing metal pants.”

“That’s ok. Don’t worry about it.” He replies gently.

Kes isn’t finished. “they’re everywhere, why?” and he’s asleep. Kaytoo C lets go and leaves. Organic beings are ridiculous he thinks and decides to go find Kaytoo B.

“Who broke my coworker? I depend on Kes and he depends on me.” One of the med droids asks angrily as a med droid can.

“Is he gonna be ok?” Shara asks the droid.

“Yes. I stabilized him and he is taking fluids. Now he just needs to sleep for awhile.” The droid points an accusatory probe at Shara. “Did you do this? Who is Koodie?”

Jyn breaths a big sigh of relief. Then she wriggles free of Kes and grabs Cassian in a hug so tight enough that he finds it hard to breath. 

“You ok?” Cassian asks Jyn quietly into her hair.

“Yes . . . No . . . Dunno really.” She looks up, they’re both wide eyed. “Can I go with you? I’ll stay in your room?” 

Does she want to sleep with me, in my bed, or me on the floor, does this mean something or nothing? “Can I stay here with you?” He replies. She’s not discharged at night yet.

She wrinkles her nose and looks at her curtained off area and back at Kes. “No, I want to go to your room. I’ll leave a note.”

Cassian sees Jyn’s freaked out and suspects she won’t take no for an answer. “Ok, my room it is.”

Shara is sitting by Kes, holding his right hand in both of hers and resting her head on the bed. 

Bohdi, Churrit, and Baze are by the door. Kaytoo C and B are arguing a little way into the hangar. “Is he ok?” Asks Bohdi.

“Yeah, he’s stable. He’s asleep.” Replies Jyn. “Go in and see Shara.”

“Where are you going?” Asks Baze. 

“It um, that was, I can’t,” Jyn starts and stops.

“It’s fine.” Says Churrit. “Go.”

They go in to see Shara and Kes and Jyn and Cassian go to his room. He doesn’t want to say the wrong thing and isn’t sure what she’s expecting, but he appears confident so she doesn’t know he’s kind of freaking out. 

“Your room is nice. Come here.” She sits them both on the bed. God, I’m so tired, she thinks. She tugs him down lays them back so they’re face to face. She’s on her left side and he’s on his right side.

He realizes he’s been over thinking this.

“He said Force Ghosts right? That happened?” She asks.

“Yeah. And that you’ll make scan docs and kittens.” He thinks she’ll laugh, but she doesn’t.

“I met two force ghosts. Did I talk about them?” She doesn’t remember saying anything about them.

“I don’t think so. Wait, when did you meet force ghosts?” Now he’s alarmed. “What are force ghosts?

Fuck, I said to much she thinks. Probably. It’s new territory, having friends again. But he’s here, he’s warm, he’s not scary, and he looks like he really wants to know all of it, all of my stories. I want to know his too. I trust this man. I’ll try it, I can tell him. 

After a pause. “They woke me up out of the coma. Koodie was my mind keeping me busy. Everything happened again and again, but they came in only once, from the outside. A Torgrutan woman and a man with white hair and a white beard. They were dressed like the old Jedi’s.”

“Was her name Ahsoka?”

“Didn’t exchange names. Don’t know if they even knew mine. I didn’t know mine at the time. We all knew Koodie, geez. I lost that toy when they took Papa. That toy has a lot of influence even though I haven’t seen for 15 years.”

“You said Koodie was a stuffed Tooka. What size was he? What was Koodie like exactly?”

“Just a little stuffed tooka cat. He was blue. I think Mama said Saw made it for me when I was born. It didn’t have teeth and it wasn’t very big. Who’s Ahsoka?”

“Ahsoka’s Torgrutan. She’s been missing awhile. She was a fulcrum, I learned a lot from her.” He pauses. “She was very strong in the force, but walked away from being a Jedi.” Jyn can see Cassian felt a lot for this Ahsoka.

“It was an older Torgrutan?” 

“Maybe not Ahsoka then.” He pauses. “She fought Vader one on one. I don’t think she made it out alive.”

“Gods . . . I’m sorry. Were you and her a thing . . or something?”

He laughs, “No, I think almost every young recruit male or female had a crush on her though. She‘s like the sun. You, you’re a bright star emerging from a nebulae, mysterious, strong, intense, hidden beneath all the colorful stardust. Ahsoka’s a sun, too hot for mortals to get close to. Thankfully also too hot for horny stupid teens named Cassian.”

She stares with a small soft smile. “You’re an event horizon. You’re so calm and quiet, but there’s everything there, whole worlds.” 

Her eye shines in the low lights and her words make him blush a little, but she can’t see that. “Event horizon huh?” His smile is wry and amused. She technically just said I’m like a black hole but it was still quite a compliment.

“What was in that drink? I know I said a lot when I was out, but it all happened over and over except the man and the woman. Seriously did those drinks call Force ghosts?”

“I’ve only heard of stuff like a drink that does magic in night witch sister legends. They’re freaky.” He shudders.

“So, not Shara?”

He laughs at the picture his mind conjures. “Definitely not. How did you get so good at Smugglers Infinitives?” 

“I played it with an old Wookiee named Ultahlah. She lived near one of the partisan bases.”

“You have your original arms?”

“I know! I even won sometimes”

“I don’t believe it.”

“I don’t remember what I thought at the time, but I think she had pity on me. I was so hungry and always moving. I needed to be busy and thinking. I was 10 or 11 maybe? I snuck into her house one night looking for weapons or something to draw with maybe, not sure. She was scary pissed until she actually saw me.” She’s thinking back and its fuzzy through the eyes of a 10 year old. “She must have liked having a wild creature to play games with.” She smiles wide. Ultahlah was wonderful.

“She sounds like a great Wookiee.” Not for the first time he wonders how often she was starved for food and contact. She went looking for weapons or things to draw with. Those are in fairly different categories. She was a starving 10 year old looking for survival tools and children’s playthings. No childhoods allowed under the boot of the Empire.

“Yeah.” Ultahlah was sweet to her, which was odd because she wasn’t nice to anyone else that Jyn ever witnessed. “That, with Kes, so scary. He almost died.” 

“Yeah. He’s one of the people I’ve actually gotten close to over the years. And who knew there were so many cats? Maybe we should get rid of Shara’s homemade stuff.”

“Definitely. You know, I think me and Kes’ other patients all fall a little in love with him. It must happen a lot with good nurses huh.”

“Wait, what? What does a little bit in love mean? I didn’t fall in love with him.”

“Means not actually in love. More like he’s a god among mortals.”

“I think I might be a little in love with him too then. He likes you a lot.”

“I feel like I’m his cousin, or maybe a pet.” She pauses, “He did just treat me like a child’s toy. Earlier today he explained how the Alliance is organized and why I shouldn’t feel bad about eating, I was like a kid then. He’s gonna marry you though, and I better get an invite.”

Cassian laughs. “Shara and Kaytoo C! Double Wedding! Shit, that was so scary though. He was terrified. I didn’t know what to do. You did though. You kept him tied to some bit of reality.”

“Are he and Shara ok?” 

“I don’t know.” He pauses. “I’m not good at that stuff. When are you gonna fight Vader?”

Jyn laughs with a snort. “After the supernova, geez pay attention Cassian.” Cassian’s so handsome and sweet. She shivers. 

“Covers?”

“Mm-hmm.”

He covers them up. 

Jyn asks, “Who taught you Smugglers Infinitives?”

“Rex. He’s a clone trooper, was a Captain in the Clone Wars. He was a great one. Ahsoka worked with him and helped to bring him in to the resistance a few years ago. God, the clones, so weird to make people to grow fast and to fight and be obedient. They were put through a lot. Rex is great, you’ll get to meet him.” 

“Should I get him to play and tell him I don’t know how?”

“Yes! But only if Kaytoo C isn’t there. KC will tell him.” Whoa, is Jyn asleep? She just fell asleep while I was answering. What did they put her on? 

He doesn’t want to disturb her, and falls asleep soon after. It’s a cozy impromptu sleepover.

. . .

Med droids have master keys! Jyn and Cassian learn this at 5:00 AM when one lets itself into Cassian’s room to check on Jyn and to take her vitals. It also scolds them both. Cassian and Jyn end up walking to the Medbay at 5:07 while the med droid keeps lecturing them about the consequences of not listening to medical advice.

“That one doesn’t like me anymore does it.” Says Cassian.

“Do med droids do that? Have favorites?”

“I guess so?”

This gets her thinking. How do droids end up with favorites? She’s met droids that have no personalities, but this med droid, she’s around it a lot. It doesn’t have as much personality as Chopper, but it definitely has one. Chopper is an old C Series model, and Hera’s had him a long time. Then there’s Kaytoo, he’s not old compared to Chopper, but he successfully overwrote two advanced KX droids. His will was forced over theirs. 

“Yeah, avoid that droid when you need medical help.” She says.

Kes and Shara are still there. He has quite a few tubes in him and wires attached to him and he is wrapped tight under multiple blankets. Shara is asleep in a chair next to him.


	7. Scream

“Cassian, sometimes it just breaks my heart talking to her.” Shara says. It’s late in the day.

“What?” Cassian asks in reply. Shara is outside sitting at a table with her head on her folded arms and bouncing a small ball between herself and the wall. He saw her from the hangar and brought her caf. Shara and Cassian met when they were younger. He had a crush on her when he was a teenager. It led to him hiding less of himself around her. While the crush died off with time, the friendship didn’t so he still hides less of himself around her. She understands and has always been careful with his secrets.

“I mean, did Jynnie ever own anything? She's fun and breathtakingly smart at times, and I like hanging out and working with her. She just asks questions sometimes though and I think what the fuck was her life?”

“I think she raised herself. Not always, but past age 8, she was figuring a lot on her own.”

“She looked at my toolbox with my name on it like I owned my own new X-Wing. It's just and old metal box I wrote my name on. It’s got some new tools and a lot of hand me down tools in it. I don't have much money, but I wanted to take her somewhere and buy her something new put her name on it and have it be all her own. I'm definitely gonna find her a metal box and put her name on it.”

“I have some extra tools I can put in it. I know what you mean too. Now and then I see something she does or says and realize how much she's holding in, like she doesn’t feel she has the right to talk. There's a lot she just doesn't say. I know she often had no one. Granted, she’s not the only member of the rebellion who came here like that.”

“True.” Then Shara looks him in the eyes, and relays the following story. “She wanted to ask if she has a bunk when she gets out of the Medbay. She asked it so indirectly and in a roundabout way, it took me awhile to figure out what she was even asking. Why would she think outright asking for a bed was too much?”

“I didn't know she asked that. Maybe I should find out and talk to her.”

“No need, once I figured it out, I took care of it. She’ll have her own bunk for sure and probably her own room. It depends on her mobility when she’s fully discharged.”

“How exactly did she ask?”

“She started by saying her feet were cold.”

“What?”

“Yeah, it went like this. Sometimes my feet are cold. I try to have one pair of warm socks. I like clean socks. Sometimes I had extra socks. I stored them under my bunk. Where will I store socks when I’m out of the Medbay?”

Cassian squints and then he stares at Shara. “I'm amazed you figured that out. I don't think I would have.”

Shara looks at her Comm. “Damn it, I gotta go.” She leaves without her caf. She didn’t drink any of it.

Cassian thinks to himself that he will be extra patient and keep the socks to bunk conversation in mind. Jyn’s strength of character caught his attention on Jedha, and he’s seen it many times since. She’s worth as many awkward conversations as is necessary. 

It’s this moment, alone at a table outside the hangar with Shara’s cold caf, that he realizes he really is well and truly in love with Jyn Erso.

. . .

It’s something to do with building up memories Jyn’s realized. Droids that are wiped over and over are a lot more machine like. When she’s looked in the Alliance Libraries, there aren’t any scholarly papers about droid sentience or even much information available about the topic tangentially. 

“Ouch!” Jyn says in a high pitched voice. She sat down after exercising around the hangar and has been working on a busted hover droid she found in a junk pile ever since.

“Jyn, you ok?” Cassian asks.

“What? Yeah. Hi!”

“You missed dinner, I brought some for you.”

“I did? I lost track of time. Thanks, oh I love this soup.” Cassian sits down next to her. 

“What are you working on?” He asks.

“It’s a droid.”

“I know that. Is there a plan?”

“Well, not really. I found this one in the junk pile over there. Saw had a droid like this that worked, really, really poorly. I want to know why.”

“What kind of poorly?”

“It would only follow every third direction it was given, and it would wake up three partisans at 3:00 AM exactly, but which three always changed.

“How long did the droid last?” 

“It was still there doing its thing when I was left behind so it lasted awhile.”

“I’d have thought someone would have broken it.”

“No, too cute. Someone painted eyeballs on it. OW! Ok, maybe I’ll do this later.” She puts it down gently.

“Lemme see.” He takes her hand, and she’s got a lot of cuts from working on the droid. He looks up at her with one eyebrow up. “Did you not see this happening to your hands?”

She gets a little pink. “I ignored it.” She replies sheepishly. It was true, she didn’t want to stop. She picks up the soup in her other hand and drinks it. 

“Jyn, you ever watch any movies?” Asks Cassian. He decides he will not nag this adult woman about her hands, instead he will change the subject. He takes a small first aid kit out of his pocket and starts fixing Jyn up. 

“Yes! 3 with Ultahlah. And once a bunkmate took a holoprojector and two movies. I’ve seen 5 movies.” 

That’s not a lot for a 21 year old is his first thought. She’s joking, is she joking? The look on her face, she’s not joking. “Did you like any of them?” He scratches the back of his neck.

“The ones we had in the bunker, those were romances, but not good ones. The characters weren’t any good for each other, I’m not even sure why they were interested in each other in the first place. Ultahlah, she had 2 terrible movies with two little droids, a Wookiee, and a woman talking over them and being funny. She also had a romance movie about two Wookiees who find they have a lot in common after initially making a bad impression on each other, and then they fall in love as they fly across unknown space looking for, something, not sure what. That was a good romantic movie.” She pauses and looks like she’s figuring something out. “That movie had 3 sex scenes. Is it weird to show a 10 year old sex scenes?”

“I think it is.” The idea of a 10 year old wild child watching that is absurd. Then he realizes something. “What’s a Wookiee sex scene like?”

“Quieter than one would expect.”

“Are the sex scenes why you don’t remember what they were after?”

She laughs. “Probably.” 

“So you like bad movies people talk over and make funny, and movies with Wookiee sex scenes.”

She laughs more. “And movies featuring toilet level friends.” 

“Is that part of Wookiee sex or bad movies.”

She laughs a lot and Cassian has finished fixing her hands with a lot of small bacta patches.

“I have a holoprojector and some movies in my room, would you like to watch one?” He asks.

“Kinda. Yes. My eye is still blurry and it needs a break at night. I have my eye patch in my belt. What movies do you have?”

“Some funny ones and some dramatic ones. I figure funny is better. Did you make that utility belt?”

“Yeah,” she’s immediately defensive. “I found the parts in junk piles.”

“I wasn’t asking where you found the pieces. You made a really good utility belt. It’s a good design.”

She narrows her eye and searches his face to see what his angle is. 

“Jyn, I mean it when I say well designed. A lot of the time people don’t think through where items should go. You made the things you use the most extra accessible, your stuff doesn’t fall out of it, please stop looking at me like I’m up to something. I’m not.”

“Ok. Thank you. Can we watch one of your funny movies?” She’s wondering if he’s still interested in watching a movie since she just jumped down his throat for asking about her belt.

“Yes.”

They pick the one with the psychic who hates that he’s psychic, and this time they get her back to her bed before a droid comes for her.

. . . 

On the 13th day after the battle of Scarif, a ship lands that Jyn recognizes. The ship contains old acquaintances, some friends to be, and THE PLANS!

Meetings begin, then soon after, evacuations are to begin, but they can’t evacuate because the empire will shoot down any ship leaving Yavin 4. Only fighters are nimble enough to escape. They only have room for one, and they have to fight once they reach space. The Death Star is almost in range. They still pack freighters and other craft in the hopes of an escape route opening up. Jyn is called to engineering to explain what her father told her. With the plans, her information, and any other information that can be scraped together, a plan is hatched.

With less and less time before the Death Star is in range, a small but growing number of people on base start to lose their calm. Jyn is one of them. 

Cassian, Kes, Bohdi, Shara, Churrit, Baze, both Kaytoos, Stordan, Melshi, and Rodma find each other and hold each other close. Shara’s A-Wing still isn’t working, and every other fighter is taken. Shara’s not happy that the new farm boy is up there and she isn’t, but Leia said it’s important that he be up there. Sometimes Shara thinks Leia has extra senses. No one knows where Jyn is, but Cassian’s sure she’ll come find them.

“I love you guys, may the Force be with us.” Shara tells them as the countdown gets lower and lower.

“I'm the pilot, I love you too.” Says Bohdi, his eyes still closed tight. 

Cassian is terrified, but he wants to say something comforting too. “I wish I knew what to say. I love you all too.”

Kaytoo B says, “I wish I was bored.”

. . .

“No, no, no, no!!!” Jyn screams at the sky as she walks off base and to the edge of the forest. She throws one crutch at the sky, falls to her knees and flings the other after it. “No!!!” She takes each knife on her person and throws them at the sky one by one. She crawls forward into the forest. “No, no, no, you can’t take it!!! You can’t take little Erso!!!” She shoots at the sky 10 times then throws the blaster at a tree. She tears off both boots and flings them hard. She’s on her hands and knees and she screams at the ground, her face close to purple and is covered in so many angry tears. It can’t be like this, she escaped the fucking monster twice, it can’t take the baby, it can’t take her baby, this galaxy cannot take baby Erso! No, no, no! Not happening! “Please anyone, anyone anywhere, don’t take this little Erso!” She screams and begs.

She screams until she’s hoarse and collapses on to her side, spent and crying. 

There’s a cool and simultaneously warm feeling, and something familiar, but why it’s a familiar feeling, she isn’t sure. 

“Little one.” It’s a soothing female voice. “Little one.” Jyn doesn’t move but she opens her eyes. There’s a beautiful ethereal looking Torgrutan woman crouched next to her. She peers closely at Jyn. “Hello little one. What’s your name?”

It’s warm and cool and familiar, it’s like home. “J-j-jyn, it’s Jyn Ma’am.”

“I’m Shaak Ti, you can call me Shaak.” 

Jyn tries to grab Shaak. “You, you’re a force ghost, you have to help, you have to help! My little one, it can’t die here today, don’t let it.” 

“Jyn,” her voice is soothing. “All is as the Force wills it. Do you think after escaping the weapon twice, getting to keep your family name alive, and after your father spent his life to sabotage that weapon that this will really be the end?”

“Yes!! Of course it could be! The galaxy’s full of monsters!” This ghost was ridiculous. She didn’t have to worry, she was already one with the Force, but the little one growing inside her, no no no, fuck the galaxy, fuck them all, it just can’t end like this.

Jyn doesn’t realize she’s hyperventilating until she starts to pass out. “Breathe with me little one.” Shaak Ti commands in a gentle assertive voice. She mimics how she wants Jyn to breathe. Jyn takes in a shaky breath, then another, then they start to even out and she matches Shaak’s rhythm. 

Shaak’s presence draws her in and the world around them doesn’t matter now. It’s cool and warm and familiar, they breathe together, it’s safe. 

The Death Star explodes.

Shaak Ti starts to fade. “Trust the Force Little Stardust.” Says the Torgrutan in a whisper as she fades away. Jyn doesn’t move, tears of relief and exhaustion slide down her cheeks.

. . .

Jyn didn’t find them. Cassian looks for her and finds one crutch behind the hangar near the forest. He picks it up. He sees the other at the tree line and picks it up too. He finds the trail where she dragged herself through the grass and into the forest. He follows it.

She’s curled up on the ground at the end of the trail. “Jyn?!?” He rushes over. Was she attacked? Is she ok? Why is she alone curled up in the forest with no crutches, or boots, and is that her blaster, and why are there so many knives? She’s breathing thank Force, and she’s, she’s crying? “Jyn?” He crouches next to her. 

When she realizes it’s him, she’s like a coiled spring, and she uncoils to grab him. It’s with enough force that he falls back onto his ass. She hugs him hard and he hugs her back. She has one hand at the back of his neck and one around his shoulders, her head on his shoulder. She rests her head on his shoulder. He’s ok, he’s alive. Baby Erso is alive too. She doesn’t say anything, he feels the tears hitting his shoulder. 

“Jyn? What happened?” He asks the back of her head after awhile. He moves one hand up and down her back. 

“I fr-fr-freaked out.” Why am I telling him? He did find me curled up on the ground weaponless with naked feet, I can’t credibly pretend nothing happened. “Please don’t tell anyone. Weaknesses are exploited.”

That gives him pause, not someone might exploit a weakness, weaknesses are exploited, as in all of them, like it’s just life. “I won’t say anything.” He pauses before adding, “Just so you know, I don’t think this is a weakness.” She turns too look at him briefly, then rests her head back on his shoulder where it was before.

“Jyn, what kind of freak out did you have? Your knives are kind of everywhere.”

She turns to look around for the knives and that’s when he finally gets a good look at her face, and she looks awful. Some of the blood vessels in her face burst, and she looks like she’s been crying for hours. Then she looks at him. He wishes he hadn’t asked because he didn’t hide his reaction to her face fast enough, and he doesn’t want her to shut down. He also wishes he hadn’t asked because answering requires vulnerability from her, and she hates being vulnerable.

“I’m sorry, it’s ok, don’t answer. It’s ok, it’s just us.” He kisses her forehead and holds tight, and he unconsciously rocks them both a little bit. He watches her eye go unfocused while her mind runs and races. Just stay here in my arms, just stay and don’t deal with everything alone, just stay, just stay.

”It’s the third time that thing appeared on the horizon.” That’s all she says.

. . .

It's a blur of readying for evacuation, partying, and drinking for a day. Mostly a blur. 

Chopper literally runs into her while a lot of the rebellion is getting smashed. He chooses to run into her better side. 

“Ouch, Chopper,” but he’s flailing and making a lot of noise and pushing her towards some crates.

“Ok, you demand that I fix your sensors for your right leg? Does it have to be now?”

Very fast, “Grippa grippa chucka bucks.”

“Yes I can do it! Don't push me down next time. Just be insistent with your pinschers, like grab and tug my shirt or something.” She takes off the panel and looks for the sensor. “I don't think it's a sensor Chopper, I think the housing over this probe is warped.”

A calm, “grup grup buccabucca chucka?”

“You really have babysitting experience?” This droid says some weird stuff. He shows her two holo pictures of two babies, one human, one Ithorian. “Ok, you babysit then?”

He says quietly for Chopper, “Whip whup whup chucka chucka bruck brucca.” 

She drops the panel, the tools, and stares mouth open. “How did you find out?” No one turns toward the clattering pieces of metal because everything is so loud. 

“Grip grup wucca bucca.” 

“You downloaded Med droid programming?” This little droid had a creative side. “Why?”

“Gruppa grinna wucca chucka” whistle whistle “chuck bucka brucka.”

“Awe,” he said he did it because he wanted to fix her himself. Then he asked who the babies father was. Plurals are confusing with droids. “No, I don't know the father, he didn't ask permission to . . . to,” she pauses.

“Whup whuppa grippa?”

She nods solemnly. “Yeah, don't tell anybody. It's my secret still.”

“Whup whup whup whuppa.”

“I'm glad Zeb taught you not to blow up ships while babies are still inside. I'd love your help.” She leans her head forward until her forehead rests on his frame. 

“Whup whup woob woob, chucka bucca wucka”

“Wow, you and Hera are married? Well, she chooses husbands well. No, I would never try to come between you and your beloved. I’d still like you to help.” She hadn’t decided what she would do, and thought maybe telling the droid he could babysit when the baby may have a wonderful adoptive home with people he didn’t know instead of being with her wasn’t a good idea.

“Whup woob.”

“Right, baby.”

“Grrr,” whirring and whirring, “brruccha chuck”

“Babies?”

“Chopper! We gotta go NOW!” Hera Sendula yells across the loud hangar. Jyn finishes putting the panel back on and he runs off with his pincers in the air. Jyn's mind feels like it needs to reboot. 

“What was that about?” Hera asks Chopper.

“Whuppa buck chucka buccabuccabucca.”

“Chopper, we’re not married.”

He quietly replies after she walks away, keep telling yourself that.

Jyn’s mind finally reboots and she goes to the Medbay. 

“I need and ultrasound.” Jyn tells Callice’s back. 

“I’m packing but, oh shit! What happened to your face?” Callice asks the last part in a quieter voice.

“Nothing.” Jyn would normally say that angrily, but Callice is god-like, so Jyn shrinks back instead. 

“Hey honey, it’s ok. Let’s do the ultrasound ok?” Jyn nods and let’s Callice lead her there. “Ok. Let’s see.” She lays Jyn down and peers at her face, then gets the equipment ready. “Now, can you give me an idea of why you have popped blood vessels?” She asks in a nonchalant voice. 

“I, um, I don’t wanna talk about it.” 

“It can happen for a lot of reasons, some of them pretty scary, and I’d need to do some tests if you don’t know what happened. I’d really like to narrow it down if possible.” Callice fixes her wide eyes on Jyn’s.

“I was screaming at the sky and ground.” She says quietly. 

“How hard were you screaming?”

“Very hard. Is this um, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Jyn, why are you afraid of telling me what happened.”

“I’m, I’m not, I don’t know.” 

“You don’t have to share this with me, but I want you to write down why you’re afraid to tell me why.” Callice stops when she sees something on the ultrasound screen. “Oh.”

“What is it, tell me, please!”

Chopper was right. She’s carrying twins.

Callice cleans Jyn up and uses some makeup so everyone won’t keep asking what happened to her face when the drinking stops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I have twins. I don’t plan for Jyn to be TV/movie pregnant, more like real pregnant. Near the end, I caught a lot of people pointing at me and whispering to whoever they were with. I looked like I was carrying multiples, I carried all out front and it was ridiculous.


	8. The Ghost and the Code

“Kestral!” That voice, it's Han Solo. “What happened to you, you gave us scan docs then didn't show? I thought we had an agreement, you give us docs, we fly you away.”

Jyn is talking to Shara and Cassian. She turns to Han and sighs. “Hello to you too! I was arrested that night and shipped off to Wobani the next day.”

“Shit. That’s awful.” He replies. “Wobani’s notorious. Is it as bad as they say?”

“Worse actually. They don't just send criminals like us there.”

“Hey! Who you calling a criminal?”

“You’re a smuggler, I'm a forger. We’re criminals.”

“Jyn!” Cassian cuts in, “You did what you did to survive, you’re not a criminal.”

She turns and narrows her eyes at him and fixes him with a harsh stare. Only 18 days ago the Alliance made sure she knew she was a criminal being given a chance to do the right thing or they’d put her back there. THEY made it clear she was a criminal in their eyes when they took her from Wobani. They could have just asked her to help, after the initial subduing. Instead they walked her through main part of the base cuffed in broad daylight for everyone to see. There were ways to be discreet, they didn’t bother. Things may be different now, but she hasn’t forgotten. She can define herself however she likes.

She knows Cassian and Shara, they don't, can't understand. There are worse things hiding in her past than Wobani. Some part of her thinks she deserves the label criminal and that she belonged in that labor camp. She doesn’t think they would understand and she doesn’t plan to tell them. 

She turns back to Han. “It’s so big that if they don't have enough labor, they just grab regular people. They try to turn people against each other to keep them from banding together too.” My roommate told me she would murder me, planned to that night. The rescue prevented it. “Those are the things you don't hear.”

Han looks down and shuffles one foot back and forth. “Did you get caught because of me?”

“No, it was a warrant for a different name. I got picked up when I gave a girl her toy back. I was grabbed at a checkpoint.”

Han starts to ask “How'd you,”

“HOW Did the scan docs hold up.” She says over him. She will not get into the “rescue.”

“They were great, you’re one hell of a” 

“Hhhhhaaaggghhh!”

“forger.” Han turns. “Coming Chewy!” He turns back to them, “I owe you a ride somewhere.”

Cassian wants to tell her why she isn't really a criminal, and turns to her, but she’s already left. 

Shara catches his arm. “She doesn't want to talk about it Cass.”

“She has to know though.” He heads off after her. He’s in a bind. Sometimes it’s best to back off, sometimes it’s best to push. There’s no manual for this. 

“Cass!” Shara follows them. 

Jyn finds Draven in his office packing with Melshi. “You could have just asked!” She yells.

“What? Asked for what?” Replies a confused and annoyed Draven. 

“You paraded me through the base cuffed in broad daylight! I know why you cuffed me but you could have been discreet! Then you told me help or you’d put me right back in the labor camp! I'd have died, they’d have executed me on the spot! If you “rescue” someone, even a petty criminal from a place like that, just ask for help! If I said no at first, I would have said yes when you explained about Papa! I honestly probably would have said yes for proper food! They starved us. I was not, no one comes out of a place like that and is ok! Just do prisoner extractions different in the future!” No, too much, I said too much. Shut your mouth, don’t admit weakness. What is wrong with me!

She turns around to leave and sees Shara and Cassian there. “Move!” She tells them with venom. She's sure they heard what she said to Draven since she can't get around as fast as they can.

“Jyn, wait,” Shara says.

“I'm going to talk to Chopper, do not follow me,” she spits back at them. Walls up!

Draven comes out of his office and yells. “Jyn, tell me how to extract from a labor camp properly when we get to the new base. We can do better.” Then turning to those closest he adds, “The rest of you do not get to yell at me like that, understand?”

“Yes Sir.” Answers Shara, Cassian, Melshi, and 3 others who were standing near them. Draven is still an intimidating person.

Cassian knew she was given that ultimatum, he was there. He’d seen it more like you’ll help, this is why. She was right though, the real offer was help us talk to Saw which might get you killed and you can live free if it doesn’t or we send you to an Imperial execution.

“Shara, she looked like a caged wild animal when they brought her in.” He says to her quietly. “It’s like we just taunted her through the bars. I was part of it. Just wrapped up in missions, I didn’t see her.”

Shara looks into his eyes. She presses her mouth into a thin line, then walks away, away from him and away from where Jyn went.

. . .

Jyn circled back to Han again instead of finding Chopper. He’s busy, but asks her into the Falcon to talk while he works because she’s wearing a stoney combative face and somewhere behind it, he can see she’s not ok. He’s not a total moron.

She hands him tools and listens to him talk, and it helps. 

“So we save her, and she’s pissed! All, get this carpet out of my way and someone’s gotta save our skins! Here’s the thing though, they’d tortured her. Vader tortured her. They blew up her planet. We rescue her and she’s still sharp and smart. She’s no royal flower. That Luke kid, he seems kinda green to me but he’s brave. He has a good heart. Leia though, she’s, she’s a force of nature. Someone like her, she’s too good, for, for the galaxy.”

“She’s got balls of steel.” Adds Jyn.

“More balls than me, and don’t tell anyone I said that.”

“I won’t.”

“So, Kestral now Jyn, you gonna stick around with these self righteous types? I feel out of place, I figure you might too.”

“I do feel out of place, but I always feel out of place.” She stops. “I don’t feel out of place with some of my friends. That’s, that’s, is that normal?”

“I think it is. Me and Chewie are like that.”

“Maybe I’ll just do whatever Leia orders me to. I think I want to take orders from the strongest person in the galaxy.”

“Maybe. They just don’t get what it’s like out there, scraping by. I suppose I don’t get what it’s like in here, fighting for what’s right and proper.”

“We’re not the only ones with rap sheets here. Were you part of the Wurverthal job?”

“Of course not, but if I had been,” and he winks because of course he was, “I suspect it went well.”

“I heard it went sideways and there was a shootout.”

“Where’d you hear that?”

“From someone who got shot.”

. . .

She finds Chopper getting the Ghost ready for the evacuation. Chopper has actually made sure Jyn is one of the Ghost’s evacuees by reassigning her whole group to the legendary ship.

Jyn, one med droid, Churrit, Cassian, Kaytoo C, Baze, Melshi, and Draven are evacuated in the same group and get to join the Hera, Kanan, Ezra, Zeb, Sabine, and Rex on their way to a small outpost base on Takadona. Bohdi and Shara are piloting other ships, Bohdi and Kaytoo B are copiloting. Kes and Callice are currently patching up pilots on a much larger ship. Jyn has Shara’s BB-1, and has it turned off so Chopper won't assault it. Jyn is not the only one on the ship with mobility issues either. Ezra is recovering from a leg injury, though he is down to using one forearm crutch already.

It’s a two and a half day long ride, and they get going late in the day. The plan is to discuss updating Alliance strategies the next day.

“I will turn you off permanently Kaytoo C if you don't get out of my cockpit!” Yells Hera.

“I am helping! Jyn tell her I'm helpful!” Says Kaytoo C.

“You’re helpful, but not always. Give Hera some space. Come play Sabacc with me and Chopper.”

“Whup whup whuppa!” Chopper says and puts a pincer between her and Kaytoo C.

“Chopper, he is not my boyfriend! Kaytoo, tell him you’re not my boyfriend.” Jyn says.

“Jyn, this is preposterous. Chopper! Don't do that.” At this point Jyn drops one crutch and grabs one of Chopper’s pincers turning him away like he's a toddler being redirected. 

“Kaytoo, I need you,” Barks Draven. 

“Why?” Asks Kaytoo.

“You’re a strategy droid, I want to discuss strategy.”

“Fine. Chopper she is not my girlfriend. Cassian is my significant other, I don't want another one. You have nothing to worry about.” The hulking Kaytoo C follows Draven.

“Does Cassian know he's Kaytoo’s significant other?” Jyn and Ezra ask at the same time.

“I didn’t until now.” Answers Cassian. He'd made his way there when he heard Hera yell at Kaytoo, though he hadn't come through the doorway until now. He looks surprised.

“There’s a lot more going on with droids than I realized.” Ezra says.

“I agree.” Says Cassian, and he leaves.

Jyn figures he’s angry about what happened earlier. She wants to fix it, but isn’t sure how to do that.

Draven corners Jyn soon after. “I'm sorry I didn't just ask, and I'm serious. Can you help us with how to take in prisoners?”

“Yeah, all right.” She looks down. “I'm sorry I yelled at you, earlier, from the hall, in front of people.”

“That was embarrassing. I'm fine though, don't worry about it.” He pauses, “How’s the eye?”

“It gets better every day. It’s perfect, only slightly blurry. It improves every day, so it won’t be blurry at all in a day or two. Thanks for getting the eye droid onto base.”

“You’re welcome.” He wants to ask more questions, but suspects he would be heard by someone in the fairly full ship, so he doesn't. “Have you seen Zeb?” 

“Last I saw, he was playing Dejarik with Ezra in the galley.”

“Thanks.” He heads off to find Zeb.

Now that things are sorted with Draven, she feels even more guilty about yelling at Cassian and Shara. It really only makes sense in her own head why she was angry and at him for saying she wasn't a criminal. Maybe she could have said it differently, without so much venom. She pushes her nerves down and goes to find him. He's on his bunk going through a report on a data pad. She stands in the doorway. “I'm sorry, about earlier. Yelling at you and Shara and all.”

He just looks at her for a beat, then remembers to reply. “Oh, thanks.” He watches her, she's blushing a little with embarrassment and standing like she’s kind of hiding. “Hey, how are you?” He motions for her to sit next to him. She does because she's physically exhausted. 

She’s not sure what happens next, and decides to be blunt and ask some questions instead of answer his. “So, what happens now, are you angry for a bit longer? Do you get to yell at me now? Do I leave you alone until you come find me? I don’t how long you take it out on me for.”

“What? Why would I do those things?” He looks at her with surprise, and the look he gets back is confusion and embarrassment about to tip over into defiance and anger. She really doesn’t know and he just made her feel embarrassed for asking. He remembers socks and holds his hands up at chest level. He makes sure his face is truly open. “Jyn, it’s ok. We’re fine. I’m not angry.” He pauses, she’s weighing what he said. He adds, “If I was still angry, I don’t get to yell at you until I’m not. If I’m still angry and need time, I’ll just say so. I won’t make you guess and give you the silent treatment.”

She nods an ok. He rubs one hand up and down her back. Please don’t go, please don’t go, he thinks to himself.

Eventually he adds, “You and Chopper are, interesting to be in a confined space with.”

She snorts and smiles. “Sorry.” 

“No, no, I like it. You’re funny, and you’re really good with Chopper. He can be . . . difficult.” He says carefully. He finds Chopper intimidating. “And now I know Kaytoo sees me as a significant other.” That gets a laugh out of her.

“I know Chopper thinks he and Hera are married, I had no idea about Kaytoo’s feelings on the subject.”

“What else are they up to that we don’t know about?” 

She’s tempted to answer, downloading med programming and offering babysitting services, but she smiles instead. “I might just have to find out.”

There’s a lull, so Cassian decides to ask her a question cautiously. “Why did you, ummm, leave and yell at Draven?”

Uggh. Ok, here’s her opportunity to try out responding nicer. She takes a breath. “I know why I was at that camp, I just don’t like thinking about it. When I do, things like being told I'll be put right back in it get remembered and then I deal with it poorly and yell at people I care about like you and Shara.”

What is he going to do with her? She’s so wonderful, but all this awful stuff just stays in her mind. She must of thought she pushed him away. That will take a hell of a lot more than an argument. Why does she accept that she was supposed to be there? He doesn’t think she belonged there. He’s sure there’s a lot more to what she said. “Force Jyn,” he says as he pulls her in to a hug. He holds her for awhile, then pulls back to look into her good eye. “Even if something is hard to talk about or to remember, if it comes up, you can tell me, and you don't have to say it nicely either. You can yell and be angry. I mean, we’re toilet level friends, I can handle it. I'm sorry we didn't just ask, and especially about the ultimatum.” He feels ashamed looking back.

She searches his face and he flinches a little then looks away. She sees there's shame there. She puts her head on his shoulder and takes his hand. “Cassian, you’ve done more for me than anyone else has in a very long time.” She smiles a worn out smile and thinks a bit. “I don’t want to be alone tonight. I don’t think either of us should be alone tonight actually. Can I stay here, with you?”

“Yeah, umm, Rex and Zeb sleep in here too. That ok?” She nods yes.

About a minute later, she’s asleep sitting up with her head still on his shoulder. He realizes he’s not going to learn much more from his datapad tonight. He guides her back to laying on her right side, then he lays behind her with his arms around her waist, and covers them both up, he leaves a respectful space between them. He does wonder if Zeb and Rex will mind. He thinks he won't sleep all night with her there. She’s warm, beautiful, and he’s in love with her. He’s asleep 10 minutes later. 

Rex doesn’t really mind. Zeb doesn’t like surprise roommates, but he likes Jyn, so he decides it’s fine.

. . .

The next day they hold many long tactical meetings on the Ghost.

Baze and Sabine bring weapons expertise and tactical information. Draven and Cassian have a complicated set of skills and a lot of information. Zeb and Rex ran large military installations, though Zeb doesn’t feel he has as much to offer, and is only willing to stay through so many meetings. Churrit and Kanan have patience and expertise with the Force. Kaytoo C is a tactical imperial droid by his original programming. Hera runs much of the rebellion’s air support. 

Jyn and Ezra, they get pissy at meetings. Jyn, Ezra, and sometimes Zeb hang out outside the meetings. 

Chopper is often a problem at meetings. He’s happy to miss them because he can get up to more mischief without anyone watching. Jyn and Ezra chafe at being left out. They do PT together. Since Zeb comes and goes as he pleases, he decides to assist and chat during PT.

“Ow!” Jyn lets out a high pitched yelp. Jyn and Ezra are exercising and doing PT with the med droid while Zeb sits nearby.

Zeb heads over. Jyn’s leaning hard on the wall. “Did the med droid hurt you? I’ll shut it off.”

“NO! No, and you better not. Kes and Callice would be very disappointed in me. I will not disappoint them.” How dare he suggest something that would disappoint Kes and Callice. Who would do that? 

When did I get comfortable with medical help and afraid to disappoint my doctor and nurse?

“Whoa, ok. The droid is great, I get it. So what happened?”

“My leg is stupid. I’m trying really hard, and I exercise, and it won’t behave. I’m supposed to get down to one crutch on my left side. I’m not lazy! And I am not unarmed, but I’m not as armed as I should be!” She waves her crutch menacingly. Ezra is down to one forearm crutch and limps over. Zeb and the med droid help Jyn back to steady. 

“I don’t know why you’re complaining, you can actually take a break from fighting.” Says Ezra.

“No, you always have to be able to defend yourself. I’m never weaponless.” Jyn tells him. 

“Ok then.” He doesn’t want to get into an argument but he’s curious about the intensity of her answer.

“Try again Ms. Erso.” Says the droid.

“Please, call me Jyn.” 

“Ok Ms. Erso, I’ll call you Jyn.” Jyn smiles at Ezra and rolls her eyes. “I’ll put my extender under your right arm in case you fall. One crutch, again.”

“Yes Ma’am or Sir.” 

“You’re really only patient with droids aren’t you?” Zeb observes.

“I’m totally patient!!!” She yells.

Ezra and Zeb both jump. “Sorry, I’m, oh, ha ha.” Zeb says when they catch on that she’s joking. 

They both practice with the Med droid for awhile longer. Jyn still can’t do one forearm crutch only, but she’s getting closer.

. . .

Ezra and Jyn may not be part of the meetings, but that doesn’t mean they won’t listen in, which they do after exercising. 

. . .

“So the destruction of the Death Star should be a set back for the Empire, but it won’t be for long.” Says Draven.

“There are a lot more defectors now.” Says Rex. “The reason isn’t the destruction of the Death Star either, their defecting because of Alderaan, Scarif, and Jedha.”

“We need new intel though, better intel, on how they move forward without the Death Star. There are key personnel that would be good to remove from their chain of command too.” Says Draven. He doesn’t look at any of them when he says it. Cassian already has the identities that would be best for this, sort of work but Draven won’t ask. 

“We might be able to kidnap them and ask questions.” Adds Rex. Cassian knows Draven means remove as in kill them.

For Cassian, it feels like a punch in the gut. He didn’t do hard things for the Rebellion for no reason, and they needed him again, for more. He’d been enjoying his friends, but what life would they all have if he didn’t get intel only he can get. He was an excellent sniper and saboteur, and he had excellent solid identities for deep cover. It was a good time to remove key Imperial leadership too as the loss of officers on the Death Star already created a lot of disruption.

He’d still done so many awful things. Maybe getting the Death Star plans made up for it though. He was so tired of being other people and feeling so isolated. He even wonders who he is now when he isn’t being someone else.

“Potential placement of new air support?” Draven asks Hera. Cassian starts to pay attention again.

. . .

Jyn hears the questions behind the intel comment, and it scares her. Cassian just can’t anymore. He couldn’t shoot her Papa, that was when he knew the earth had shifted under his feet. 

“Ezra, is that a 355 CP datapad?” Asks Jyn. Her mind is racing.

“Yeah. Why?”

“Can I have it? I can trade you, umm, something?”

“Would it be ok if you borrowed it instead?”

“Yeah, that’ll work, thanks.” And she takes it and heads off to her bunk. He’s back to listening and didn’t notice she’d already taken it.

She grabs a backpack she’d found and repaired before the evacuation, puts a lot of random looking electronic items she’s been gathering from junk piles in it and heads off to find a quiet place to work.

Ezra finds her an hour later. She’s sitting on the floor, and she has his and her datapad, one motherboard, one mouse droid, one partially working hover droid, and one broken hover droid spread around her with wires and cables attaching them all together. 

“Umm, you ran off before I partitioned it.” Says Ezra. How long was he standing there?

“I partitioned it before I did all this. All set.” Then back to work.

He eases down across from her. “What are you doing?” 

“Testing theories.” Then in a lower voice, “hear any music you think I’d like?”

“Just a song called air support.” 

“Hmmm, I know very little about that song.” 

“Come eat lunch with us.” 

“Oh, ok.” She brings the datapads and a small box with a port.

. . .

“Draven,” Cassian pulls him aside at the beginning of lunch break. “I can go back under cover. We both know I have the best covers for finding out what you need to know.”

“Absolutely not.” Draven says in a way that is both quiet and aggressive. “You’re cover is the best, and you’re the best agent I’ve ever had, but it’s still a burnout job. I want you alive in the rebellion instead of useless, gone, or dead.”

“Sir? You need me, you need that information, it benefits all of us. I can do it. I have to do that sort of thing to make sure things get better.”

“No. You’ve reached the end of that part of the job. I want you alive and doing good work, not out doing what you can’t.”

“But I can.”

“No you can’t. I know you won’t go blow your cover, but people can’t do what you did indefinitely. It’s too much. I absolutely mean it when I say I want you alive and doing intelligence that you can do rather than doing a job that’s gotten to the point of being too much. You’re not a droid that gets its memory wiped everyday. The answer is still absolutely not.”

Cassian doesn’t know what to say. It doesn’t feel like dropping these aliases is the right choice. “Draven, I,”

“You’ve met soldiers pushed too far. There are ethical reasons not to push a person past that, but you and I have both have seen, they literally can’t do the same job anymore. When you didn’t shoot Galen, you were done with assassinations through a scope. Work for me, but work different.” Cassian hears pleading behind Draven’s words.

“Yes sir. I can work different.”

. . .

Cassian’s happy to see Jyn at lunch, but she doesn’t look up. Just back and forth from datapad to datapad. 

“Jyn, you worked with Saw?” Asks Ezra. Shit, Cassian cringes internally. Does Ezra actually want to get into this with Saw’s most illustrious and dangerous child soldier. 

“What?”

“You worked with Saw Garerra?” He asks.

“Yeah.” And she looks at the datapads. There’s a pattern in the blocks of code that the droid writes for itself when executing the original programming it’s given, but she still can’t quite sort it. It’s called the universal droid code or the secondary base code. Hardly anyone who isn’t a machine actually understands it. The language written by the droid from the original programs, is extensive dense and confusing. While the language is always the same, the patterns it makes can vary from droid to droid even when they are the same models with the exact same programming to execute. Jyn actually understands a lot of it, though she needs to figure out a lot more about the patterns.

“We met him before, a few years back.” Adds Ezra. Jyn doesn’t react, she doesn’t appear to have heard him. He wants to get to the bottom of why she was insistent about his ability to defend himself when injured because something felt off about how she said it. 

“I didn’t like Saw, he kidnapped me and Ezra.” Says Sabine. Jyn’s still lost in the code.

“Jyn!” Says Zeb. She looks up finally. “We met Saw before. Ezra asked a question. Saw kidnapped Sabine and Ezra.”

She looks around at them. “Sorry about that.” She had a complicated relationship with her surrogate father. She loved him, but she won’t deny he was often difficult and frightening.

“Thanks. Kanan, Jyn says I need to be better at defending myself on crutches.” Says Ezra.

“Yeah, more modified weapons or close combat skills.” Says Jyn. “Where do you usually hide your knives?”

“What? He’s supposed to be recovering!” Interjects Kanan.

“Knives?” Asks Ezra.

“Like in your sleeves, boots, hair, and bra, wait, um, you get what I mean. Where are your knives?” Then she rounds on Kanan, “And of course he has to be ready while he recovers. You always have to be ready, always. A weakness is a weapon that will be used against you!”

Kanan takes up the challenge. “That sounds like a lot like what Saw would say. Ezra’s not covered in knives and recovery is important. Weakness does not automatically equal weapon against you. He doesn’t need a bunch of new fight training, he needs to recover. Is my blindness a weakness?”

She gets louder and more insistent now, “You made sure your blindness wasn’t a weakness, you trained with it. I’m pretty sure you or Churrit could beat the shit out of me even on my best day. You’re hurting Ezra if he’s not trained and ready! You can’t show weakness, they always exploit weakness! Don’t hand your enemy a weapon!”

“Everyone has weaknesses and everyone has strengths.” Kanan yells back, he’s nearly towering over her now.

She’d been about to get in his face, but when he said everyone has weaknesses and strengths, all the fight melted away and she went back to the code. She’s so focused, it’s like no one else is there. She covers the slightly blurry eye with a patch and then her green eye goes back and forth from one datapad to the other comparing the code blocks. She was so used to looking for weaknesses to hide or exploit in all areas of life, she forgot to look at the strengths the blocks of universal code represent. 

“Kanan, back off.” Says Cassian in a low but aggressive voice. 

“She’s teaching Ezra a bad lesson from a paranoid maniac.”

“I’m 19, I don’t believe everything I’m told.” Says Ezra. “I was just trying to understand. I was a street kid and worked with hustlers, she was a child soldier of Saw’s and a hustler and alone.”

“Kanan.” It’s Churrit. He speaks with authority. “Isolation does things to younglings.”

“She’s not a youngling.” Replies Kanan.

“In this war, younglings grow up fast and slow at the same time.” Baze says, then adds. “Can you imagine having a partisan cell raise you?”

Kanan takes that in. He thinks through the real question, imagine being raised by Saw. Kanan decides to back off and is about to apologize.

“Why are you talking about her like she isn’t here?” Asks Ezra.

“Because she isn’t.” Answers Churrit.

Jyn drinks the last of her soup loudly then leaves, still in her own world as she has a new understanding of how to properly modify the code. She needs to open up the blocks of code that are already there and add experiences of other droids. The droids won’t think the memories are its own, but will still utilize them. It will mean the droid has more independence and decision making skills, more ability to communicate and understand, and it will be able to do much greater work, such as independently implant listening devices and computer programs that relay data back to the Alliance all along Imperial communication wires. It could also mean much more discreet assassinations.

Jyn gets back to work expanding the little hover droid’s mind.

. . .

“Where’s Jyn?” Asks Zeb. They’ve broken for dinner. 

“Not coming.” Says a somewhat annoyed Ezra.

“Why not?” Asks Zeb. 

“Because she’s still in her own world, and busy.”

“Where?” Asks Cassian.

“Third cargo hold.”

Cassian asks, “Is she ok?” Or is she pissed at us for leaving her out of the meetings or at Kanan for yelling at her, he adds in his mind. 

“Yeah, just busy.”

He thinks maybe he’ll wait her out because maybe she just needs space, then he remembers her socks, so he goes to find her. 

He sees Kaytoo C and Chopper before he sees Jyn. Kaytoo is standing over her and Chopper is next to her. She’s on the floor with small droids, small droid parts, wires and datapads sleeping in what can’t be a comfortable position. The small hover droid is hovering next to her and is braiding her hair into many small braids. It stops when it sees Cassian.

Jyn wakes up with her usual small silent jolt. 

“Fleeeff-clurgh.” Says the hover droid.

“Bruuuu buuuu bruuu.” Chopper says. Then he leaves grumbling.

“You can’t say that about her!” Says Kaytoo.

“Only on a Tuesday.” Says Jyn. “Hi.” Why are you standing over me?” She asks the 7 ft tall droid. 

“Because I’m watching your rude droid and the codes running on your datapads. You’re using Universal Code. Why are you using universal code?”

“Just checking it out, it’s fascinating.”

“Now why is that mean droid doing your hair?”

“0What?”

“Your hair. Why is it making braids in your hair.”

“Practice.”

“Hello Cassian, I don’t think you should talk to that hover droid, she’s a bad influence.” Kaytoo C is leaving and Jyn shuts off the little hover droid before she can say something else.

“Jyn, do you want dinner?” Asks Cassian. 

“Yeah, ok, lemme finish some of this up.”

“Want help?”

“No, no, ouch, yeah.” Jyn is stiff, and it’s harder to get up than she expected.

“Ummm, what are you doing?”

I wasn’t listening in she says in her mind. What can she tell him? I have a crazy plan to assassinate people and pick up intel so you don’t set up your snipers nest or go under deep cover. 

“Some coding. Good stuff.” 

“Universal Base Code is incredibly hard to understand. You understand it?”

“A bit.” She starts to turn red. Cassian suspects based on this reaction, she either understands very very little of it or a whole hell of a lot more than she’s willing to let on. Based on the hair braiding rude droid, it’s probably the latter.

She starts undoing the braids and there are quite a few. “There are a lot of braids, can I help get them out?” Asks Cassian.

“Yes please.”

“I have one big question.”

“What?”

“Do you really haves knife in your bra?”

“What sort of question is that? Of course I do!”

. . . 

They’ve settled in to a small rebel base on Takadona. It is one of the smaller satellite bases, and contains a disproportionate amount of the rebellion’s discarded and broken mechanical items. There's even a junkyard. There are derelict vehicles and also broken machines that were picked up from the Empire, set asidep to use eventually.

There’s a U-Wing Cassian wants to get working again after losing his on Eadu. He has it towed into the hangar and plans to work on it between missions. He is more withdrawn since the meetings on the Ghost. Jyn surmises he’s been asked to do deep cover or assassinations, but she doesn’t ask him about it, and he doesn’t talk about.

Jyn works on her droids and keeps visiting the junk yard, fascinated by all the random things she finds there. She loses track of time whenever she starts going through a random pile of stuff, organizing it as she goes. 

. . .

She pulls Draven aside the second day on Takadona.

“Dav, follow me.” She beckons him toward her junkyard. 

“I don’t have a lot of time.”

“I’ll be quick, I promise.” She turns on the lights on in a derelict U-Wing body that’s becoming her makeshift workshop. “I know Cassian was your best deep cover agent and sniper. You don’t have anyone as good anymore, so I made a work around.” At that, Draven stares wondering how she has that information. Jyn’s taken aback too, Draven can be intense.

“Tell me more.” He says.

“I modified the hardware and the base code of this mouse droid and this class 6 small hover droid. They understand more so it’s easier to explain to them what I want them to do. They can do much more delicate work than their similar sized counterparts. They can get in places quietly, blend, and do things like plant bugs, computer viruses, and poison a grand moff’s dinner.” She waits and watches to see if that sparks more interest.

He raises his eyebrows slightly. “Continue.”

Good, he’s interested. She points to the hover droid. “She can plant poison, bombs, and shoot poison darts and she knows why and how to hide before and after.” She points to the mouse droid. “He can get in and out of a place quietly, he fits in ducts, he can attach bugs so they can’t be seen, and insert programming that relays information back to us or that sabotages Imperial computers and equipment. Look at the skins too.” She turns them on. They change to different muted colors and change the look of their textures as well. “And they back themselves up repeatedly through wireless relays so they aren’t afraid to self sacrifice their housing if they are captured.”

Now the always calm and hard to read Davits Draven actually looks quite intrigued. He takes off his hat and rubs his hand over his head. “How close are these to being able to do all that?”

“If you can get me poison, listening devices, and some viruses you want planted, we’ll be ready to go in three days.”

“I’ll see what I can get ahold of. Three days it is. Let me be clear, I want you on the mission on the team I assemble. I’m not taking these and doing the mission without you. Understood?”

“Yes Sir.” She’s excited that he’s taking her up on the offer. Hopefully it will keep Cassian out of deep cover. It also means she can get them to use harder to trace assassinations. They’re too flashy sometimes. “What do I tell medical?”

“Nothing, I’ll talk to medical. You can tell people when you’ll leave and when you might get back, everything else is classified. I’m thinking 3 to 5 days, I’ll get you a better estimate soon. I fly out today, and I’ll be back in three.”

“I’m not gonna say anything at all to anyone if I don’t have to.” She decides to get into the reason she started making this plan in the first place. “Don’t tell Cassian. He can’t do this, this sort of thing, anymore.”

He nods in agreement.

“Can I take one of them back with me?” 

“No, I need to work on them more, and sometimes they, well, these two are pretty calm.”

“Wait, what?”

“I’ll be ready in 3 days.”


	9. New friends

“You’re Jyn right?” Asks Luke. It’s late in the afternoon. She’s picking through the junk piles looking for more hover droid parts.

“Yeah, that’s me.” She replies. It’s the golden boy everyone is so interested in. She thinks it’s all a bit much. He seems so, pure.

“Can I look around in your junkyard?” 

“What? Who said it was mine?”

“Everyone I talked to when I asked where I can find replacement astromech housing and drivers.” He smiles. His face is so open, so unguarded. She isn’t used that at all.

“Ok then. It’s not actually mine, but go ahead.” She expects he’ll talk more. He’s young and male and so friendly. She’s doesn’t think she’s as pretty as before, but he seems like a talker regardless of looks. He doesn’t talk though. He just searches quietly.

“Hey, is Luke here?” A pilot walks up to her and asks. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Luke pleading with her to say no. 

“Nope, he found what he was looking for and left.”

“Do you know where he went?” 

“He went that way, but didn’t say where he was headed.” 

“Thanks.” The man in the orange jump suit leaves. Luke stays still where he is until the man leaves and a little longer after that.

“Thank you,” Luke looks down and shuffles his feet a little. “There all nice here, but I’m not used to being around so many, ummm, it’s a lot, sometimes. Thank you.”

“No problem.” She replies. She looks down too. “I know what you mean. I don’t like being totally alone, but I’m not used to it having so . . . so many nice people around all the time.”

He looks at her, and his feelings show all over his face. He’s clearly surprised to find someone else feeling like they need a break from all these nice people. “I’ll cover for you too you know, when you need a break.”

“I will probably take you up on that offer.” It’s quiet for a bit, then her curiosity wins out and she asks, “So you’re ok with that guy then? It’s not a fight, just a break?”

“Yeah, we’re fine. I mean, people get annoyed with me, I’m too whiny. I really try to not to be. I feel like such a back water farmer way too often around here.”

“How d’ya mean?” Golden boy doesn’t see himself as golden. Maybe she’ll refer to him as Luke in her mind instead.

“It’s just, I swear there are a lot of things everyone was taught by their family as kids, that I just never learned. Like there’s a manual my Aunt and Uncle just didn’t have.”

“Oh my gods, I know exactly how you feel.” She says. It’s a relief to hear someone say it out loud. She didn’t know how to describe it before. 

“I get in trouble all the time.”

“Me too! I keep finding out the hard way that I have no idea how “normal” people handle social stuff. I don’t know what I don’t know until I’m already in it. I have such a short fuse, I’m like a child. Don’t tell anyone I said that.”

“I won’t. It drives me nuts, I keep saying things that I think are fine to Leia, but then she’s mad, and it takes me awhile to figure out how I pissed her off. And like I said before, I’m whiny, and people love to point it out. I’m always gonna be a backwater farm boy. See! I whined just then!”

“I’m a scavenging criminal with anger management problems, nice to meet you backwater farm boy.” She smiles and shakes his hand. “Recently, I found out I missed the bit on what normal people do when they get angry. My friend had to explain that I shouldn’t expect to be berated until he stops being angry at me. I was so embarrassed, felt like I showed him too much of my old life.”

“Geez, I thought it was normal to get the silent treatment for days when someone got mad at me. Han had to explain that that while it happens, it isn’t the most normal response, and not what I should expect.”

“How about, you can whine at me when you need to, and I’ll throw tantrums at you when I need to. You’re always welcome to hide out with me when you need a break from people too. When you’re on this base I mean.”

“Yes! Let’s do that.” He has an almost incandescent smile on his face. The idea feels brilliant. He holds out his hand and they shake on it. Then they both go back to sifting through parts in silence.

A few minutes later. “Luke, what are you looking for exactly?”

“R4 3rd class ambulatory drivers.” 

“I think I know where drivers like that might be.” She starts walking over to him. “Can I help you fix it? I don’t know much about R4 configurations.”

“Yeah, sure.” She was right about where to find them. There are drivers of all sorts in one area. They find a couple to take in case they aren’t all working. 

. . .

Cassian finds the two of them sitting on the ground hidden away outside the hangar with an R4 unit with a lot of its insides outside.

“Are you kidding me? Leia puts up with that?” He hears Jyn ask Luke.

“Yeah, it’s a diplomatic dinner thing, 9 small courses, super stiff outfits, gotta bring your own insects, gotta catch your own food during the 4th and 6th course, and gotta bring an astromech to sit behind you.”

“You had to go along for that?” She wrinkles her nose. “I’d probably punch somebody. Leia’s amazing.” Then she thinks about it. “Actually, I could probably do undercover waitstaff. That’d be kinda fun.”

“What are you two doing to the R4?” Asks Cassian, crouching down by them.

“Retrofitting drivers and cleaning its circuit boards.” Luke replies. Jyn smiles at Cassian. Cassian notes they both have impossibly big eyes.

“What are you up to?” She asks Cassian.

“I was actually looking for Luke. We have a mission together soon. We need to plan more when you have time.” He’d like to plan now, but leaving Jyn behind on the ground covered in droid parts doesn’t seem wise. “Can I help you two clean up? There’s a group meeting soon, and do you have PT Jyn?”

“Shit! I do!” And she tries to get up without something to push off of other than herself and it does not go well. There’s a lot of accidental backwards scooting, and Luke and Cassian keep a straight face, but only just. Yes, PT and OT are necessary today. 

“Would you like some help?” Asks Luke. Cassian was about to go and just help.

“Yes please.” Luke puts out a strong stiff arm for her to push off of. “Thanks. See you guys at dinner.”

. . . 

Jyn accepts that it is her junkyard, and having her own junkyard means people can find her. 

“Hey,” Jyn looks up to see who the visitor is. It’s Leia. Alderaan. Fuck. For as much as Jyn admires Leia, they haven’t talked past hello, nice to meet you, and goodbye.

“Hi,” Says Jyn., trying to play it cool. “How can I help you?” 

Leia sees Jyn tense up. She’s an expert at reading people from years and years of diplomacy. Often she reads people better than Cassian and Draven. “I know who you are. I don't blame you or your dad for Alderaan. Your dad was smart. They would have built it with or without him, so putting a trap in it was genius. He set them back for years and years by blowing it up after it was already made.” She says in a resigned tone.

Jyn recognizes something in Leia’s face. “Leia, it's not your fault either.”

Leia takes in a shaky breath. “If I hadn’t been caught, or if I'd played Vader, Tarkin wouldn't have, I mean, I could have, should have, something.”

“I don't think you should take the blame for something Tarkin did.” Jyn states levelly. It is completely lost on Jyn that she often blames herself for other people's actions. She sits Leia down next to her and puts her arm around her shoulders. 

“Maybe, I’ll think about it.” She pauses and gives Jyn a warm smile. 

“Leia, you’re the strongest human I’ve ever met. I’d fly into the sun if you told me to, please don’t blame yourself for what the monsters do. The galaxy doesn’t deserve someone as strong as you.”

Leia stares. It’s all true, Jyn’s not going to take it back. She does turn kinda red though.

“Were you looking for something, or wanted to talk about something specific?” Asks Jyn, she needs the sharp stare to end eventually.

“Yes. Can you look over some scan docs? I’m too recognizable, so I've worked on some disguises, but I’m concerned about the scan docs I was given to go with the personas.”

Jyn starts to go through them. “Yeah, these four are not good enough. This set is, but the other four will set off some red flags. I think they'll all work technically, but a good guard will think something is off on these four and follow up. You might get triple checked or followed around. I can make better ones, I just don't have the equipment.”

“What would you need?”

“Access to a b-34 slicer and a KCH class cyber merge scanner and frenbo razors.” Jyn’s a bit mesmerized by the pictures. “How did you come up with these disguises? The eyes and all, it looks amazing.”

“Princes and Princesses get a lot of makeup and clothing training.” Says Leia rolling her eyes. It is a ridiculous amount she thinks. She asks the other question that’s been wearing on her mind. “You knew Han, what’s your impression of him?”

“Why?”

“The Alliance has had mixed results when smugglers and pirates help out. The rebellion will take all the help it can get, but we hand out less information sometimes if a party isn’t trustworthy.” Jyn sees no hint of an ulterior motive in Leia’s eyes, face, or body language. She is really just vetting a friend.

“Well, I only met him a few times in person, and I know what others said about him around the time. He’s earnest. He was kind to me. I was starving and he knew I had criminal past when I met him. He constantly flirts, but he didn’t try to flirt with half starved lunatic Jyn. He was just nice. Most pilots avoided giving me a ride, too much desperation. I was too unpredictable to tangle with. I might have killed the pilot an taken the ship or been a good passenger, it could have gone either way as far as they could tell. He bought me lunch anyway, and that was before I gave him anything. I traded him scan docs for a ride. I was arrested and put in the labor camp before I could take the ride.” She pauses and adds, “He’s not as smart as he thinks he is though, and he's naive.”

“The smart bit I get, but naive how?”

“He doesn’t get how dangerous some of those he works with are, like the Hutts. He thinks intent matters to them because it matters to him. Only results matter with a lot of them. I think he expects them to be like him.”

“He should be safe with us then.”

“I don’t know if the Alliance can keep him safe. The Hutts have a lot of power and influence. I don't think Han will hurt the rebellion, or betray it. I think some of his contacts will be a problem for him though.” She pauses. “His tendency to over promise, that’s a different story. Half the time he does the impossible thing he promised, half the time he doesn’t. Guess which times he finds more memorable.” She looks at Leia with a little smirk.

Leia is biting her thumbnail and looks concerned.

“Thank God for Chewie!” Adds Jyn. “Having a Wookiee best friend helps a lot.”

Leia laughs. “Chewie does have one hell of a reputation. I'll keep what you said in mind. He is infuriating, but he has produced results and he cares, kinda.”

“Not kinda, he definitely cares. Want some lunch?” Asks Jyn. 

“Yeah. Can you introduce me to Churrit and Baze?” 

“Sure. Umm, how, how do you do this makeup? Is it a mask?”

“Nope, just makeup.”

“Can you show me? Wait, no, sorry, you’re busier than god. It’s just you look like a different species in this one.”

Leia laughs. “Busier than god. Yes, I’ll show you, I’m not actually busier than god.” Leia normally walks everywhere quickly because the galaxy has seen fit to shoulder her with a lot of responsibility. Much depends on her and there is never a break. She matches Jyn's pace today, because she likes talking to this other feisty woman.

. . .

Draven is back and the mission is nearly set to go. Jyn doesn’t say anything to anyone beforehand, and figures Draven talked to Callice. At the last minute she decides to slip a note under Cassian’s door at 3:15 AM.

CA, KD, KB, KC, BR, BM, CI, SB, CS,

I’ll be back in 3 days, rest classified. See you soon. 

J

He’s not happy when he finds it the next morning. 

“Did Jyn leave?” He asks Bohdi. 

“No, I don’t think so, oh.” Bohdi’s eyes go back and forth looking over the note. Then he looks up at Cassian, “She must have.”

“Did a ship leave through the hangar?”

“I’m the pilot.” He stills. “I don’t know. We can go check the logs, but it might be faster to just ask Kes where she is.” 

They find Kes and Callice both quite pissed off in the Medbay. “I did not give permission for this.” Callice is holding the note like it’s a mythical creature that she can’t quite believe she’s holding. “We just found out Hoth medical sent orders that she could leave for 4 days. The Med droid checked her out of here and escorted her to the hangar. Apparently Jyn left very early this morning.” Callice tells them. She’s a tiny ball of fury.

“Who did she leave with?”

“That is classified.” Says a med droid. “It was an override from the intelligence wing.”

“Is she with Draven?” Asks Cassian.

“You already know protocol says I can’t confirm or deny that.” The droid answers testily before heading back to work.

“Why so secret?” Asks Bohdi, and he’s mainly asking himself that question. “I thought intelligence let you say something to your friends and family before you go about when you would leave and when to expect you back. She didn’t say anything, she just left.” 

“That’s true, but it’s up to the individual agent whether they do or don’t.” Replies Cassian. It is so strange to be on the other side of this situation.


	10. Meandering droids

Midway through the first day of the mission, Jyn wishes she’d discussed the mission with Cassian. She wants his input and she misses him. It’s not deep cover and it doesn’t involve a sniper rifle, so it’s starting to feel silly that she didn’t say anything at all. She’d wanted to see how this would go first, but now it doesn’t feel like enough of a reason to have left him out. 

Draven is adaptive in some ways while inflexible in others. Jyn’s droids require a lot of flexibility. While they are much more capable than most small droids and even most larger droids, they are very curious, sometimes obstinate, and fairly independent. Draven likes his orders to be followed without question, but the droids have a lot of questions, and Jyn understands them a lot better than he does. His patience wears thin almost immediately. The mission has 3 other members. There are 2 nice but argumentative Zilkin’s, a male named Silva and a female named Torac, and a very quiet Ithorian female named Velma.

“My god you’re droids are, I don’t think this is gonna work.” Says Draven 4 hours into the flight. The quiet little hover droid is playing Dejarik with Velma, and keeps cheating, which is a bizarre independent act for a droid. It takes an advanced droid to play in the first place, but the compulsive cheating is just odd. The mouse droid keeps climbing the walls and jumping. “I didn’t know those could climb! Did you make it able to climb?”

“Well, he wanted to climb, so yeah.” Jyn replies as if it’s normal.

“Jyn, is your droid trying to jump on us?” Asks Torac. 

“I don’t think so.” But she catches it and turns it off because she’s no longer sure.

When they do get where they are going, the mission has to be extended almost immediately. The team members, except for the droids, split almost all their time between the ship and an Alliance safehouse. They watch the mission through cameras and run the evolving mission remotely. The planet has a larger Imperial presence than most, and is overly homogenous for that reason, so it’s best that they remain hidden, especially Velma, Torac, and Silva. Jyn and Draven have some disguises along just in case, disguises that can change their faces. 

There are two large setbacks. They spend 2 days on reconnaissance instead of the half day allotted for it beforehand because the intel they have is no longer accurate. The plan for how the mouse droid will execute his objectives has to be changed drastically because he refuses to blend. 

The tiny hover droid finishes her mission first. She successfully poisons the food of an important Grand Moff. She’s out of the building before he’s even served his meal. He’s dead in under a minute after taking the first bite. They scan different communication channels to confirm that he’s dead. The the little hover droid decides to go exploring after she gets out of the house, and it takes awhile for Jyn to coax her back to their hideout. The little droid decides to add some useful bugs to some important Imperial lines on the way. They hadn’t asked her to. They prove to be quite useful. 

The climbing mouse droid is too hyper and curious to even try his mission using the original plan. He was meant to go inside an Imperial building and blend in as a mouse droid, but he refuses to act like one. He would be picked up and taken apart or scrapped immediately. He does complete his mission, it just takes a lot longer than planned. He is able to plant strategic bugs on Imperial computers and communication lines and also to add programs to Imperial computers that send information to Alliance Hubs through relays. It just all has be done either from the outside of the building or the air ducts, and all under the cover of night.

“Jyn, how did you learn how to program and fix droids?” Asks Draven. He and the Zilkin’s are getting ready to leave on the 4th day. They have to meet up with a different mission off planet. Dav is talking to Jyn alone in his safe house room.

“Well, slicing has some programming, but, just curiosity here and there over the years, then putting it all together recently.”

“They’re bonkers, but very effective. They’re way too smart for droids that were recently put together.”

“I know. I just look through the universal base code, and open it up more.” 

“I can program a bit, but the base code is indecipherable to me, there are only a few organics that I’ve met who can follow it a little bit, and they can’t do anything with it. Is that why the droids understand what you want better than these sorts of droids usually do?”

“Yeah.” His bag is almost packed. She decides to try to ask him what she has been avoiding asking him about.

“How did your mom, your family,” she isn't sure how to phrase it exactly, “please tell me about your mom. How did she make it work?”

He looks at her. Her frustration and turmoil aren't hidden at all, and while she doesn’t have a spy face quite as good as Cassian’s, she is often hard to read. He’s struck that she isn’t hiding anything she’s feeling, it’s all written on her face. Maybe she can’t hide it now. He doesn’t want to talk about his family, but he decides her needs outweighs what he wants. “She was a wonderful woman. She didn't regret having and keeping my sister, but that came later. She went back and forth between regretting keeping her and being happy to have her for the first few years. My sister looks like the child of the man who raped mom. That stopped mattering because eventually it wasn't her resembling him, it was that he happened to resemble her. Her identity is strong and all her own.

“Others made a hard situation more difficult when they shouldn’t have. My dad left when my sister was a month old. He couldn't get past her not being his biologically, and that was his loss and shows what a waste of space he was. He'd become cruel toward my mom while she was pregnant when he should have been there supporting her.” He tears up a little while still wearing an angry expression as he recounts this. He’s 7 again and he loves Mom and wants her to be all right. 

“Mom moved us after he left. She also stopped talking to a lot of family and stopped talking to quite a few friends. We moved in with my dad’s aunt and uncle though and they were actually great. They loved all three of us just the same. They helped us get on solid ground and rebuild.

“My mom died a few years ago, it was a natural death. I miss her. I wish she was here, she would be better at helping you figure things out.”

“Your mom sounds wonderful. She knew what having a child was like, maybe that helped? I'm sorry, it probably also made it harder, I just don’t know what to do.” Jyn says.

“Jyn, your life probably makes even just figuring out who you are difficult. Figuring out what to do with another life on top of that?”

This is not a direction Jyn thought this conversation would take. Where is this coming from? 

He continues. “Your parents took you on the run, then they were taken from you all together. You had to go with a guardian that you didn't know at 8 and had to fit in with his strongly defined life and philosophy. You were left behind without knowing why and did what you had to do to survive. You went to prison because the surviving alone without joining the Empire while it’s everywhere is hard to do without resorting to illegal activities. Then we dragged you here, made you go talk to Saw, then made you go to Eadu.”

He pauses, then closes his eyes, steeling himself for harder words, “I was wrong about your dad. I made the wrong call. I should have extracted him. Building a fuse into the Death Star, that was genius. They’d spent years and huge amounts money to lose it all. . . I just wish he were here to contribute more. He already did a lot and I can’t fathom what else he would have contributed to the galaxy. I’m sorry, apologies don't come close, . . . I can't fix it.”

He pauses and she’s speechless. 

He continues. “You’re definitely smart like he was though. Programming through universal base code? You have to be a genius to even understand it in the first place.

“And then there was that message from your dad. He sent you to Scarif. You did what he asked and did the impossible. You’ve been denied school too I'd imagine.

“It’s just, look, in all that, you’ve been thrown from one situation to another without a say and always in survival mode. How the hell do you get to know who you even are? How the hell does anyone from your generation figure out who you are in a war that inserts itself into all our lives whether we participate or not?” He looks at her with an intensity directed at her and an anger that’s directed at the universe. “You’re 21 and now suddenly you’re supposed to make decisions about another human?” 

What the fuck? 

Did he just apologize for killing my Papa? 

Did he tell me I have no real identity? 

She hadn't asked him about his thoughts on her identity. Her mind is a maelstrom. “Why would you say that? I'm, I’m something!”

He interrupts, “You’re definitely something. You routinely made decisions that saved a lot of people while being thrown from one situation to another, and all while the galaxy saw fit to grind you down. I think you’ll be fine. It's just, I didn't think you understood why it's especially hard for you to sort this out. It’s a lot different than it was for my mom.”

She leaves the room without a word. She stops and goes back. “Thank you for saying that about my dad.”

She leaves again. Her mind is organized worse and better, and now she’s angry at Draven and in a nebulous way at the galaxy. “Hello little one.” She hears him somewhere in her mind, it’s like an echo.

“No, not now,” she thinks at his voice.

“He's right.”

“What are you even? I don't want to talk to you.”

“War shapes your generation and takes too much. You’ve done much in spite of it.”

“Why did you pick now to talk to me?”

“Because you called. Shaak Ti and I hear when you call.”

“Who are you?”

“Obi-wan Kenobi.”

“Why do I need you? How did I call?”

He doesn’t answer the second question. “You’re having two force sensitive children, and because much has been asked of you.”

Fuck . . . . They’re Force Sensitive?!?

Should have extracted Papa, no identity, Force sensitive babies, I’m still a bad person.

“Goodnight Obiwan Kenobi.” She thinks at him aggressively. 

“Goodnight Jyn Erso.” He replies gently.

She finds her bunk and since her mind is now as exhausted as her body she falls asleep immediately.

Draven and the two Zilkin’s are gone in the morning. Jyn and Velma remain to coax the wandering mouse droid back. Jyn and Velma work for another whole day to coax him back to them because he is wandering a lot.

“Velma, I’m gonna disguise my face and go get him.” The little mouse droid is still meandering, and Jyn is afraid he’ll be noticed. He is finally close enough that she’s comfortable going to get him.

“Is that wise?” Asks Velma.

“Yeah, he’s close. I’ll get disguised, and you tell me how it looks before I go.” Since the mission is under the intelligence division, the ship has boxes of organized potential disguises. Thank goodness Leia taught Jyn some makeup tricks. Jyn covers the kyber burns completely and makes herself look more green and angular. She makes her hair black and lets it hang. She puts on nursing scrubs so she appears to be coming home from work, and wears glasses that disguise her cybernetic eye. “Looks ok yeah?”

“Yes. I’ll watch from here.” 

“Yeah, I can fight with these too, don’t leave if you don’t have to.” She’s practiced fighting with her crutches. She also has knives with her.

“I’ll speak only Ithorian if I come for you. Added confusion.”

“Perfect. Thank you Velma.”

Jyn does run into trouble, or rather it finds her. She sees four stormtroopers chasing a Twi’lek who based on her outfit, Jyn suspects is an escaping sex slave. She positions herself at a corner and “accidentally” trips two of the stormtroopers with her crutch. 

“Oh, sorry, so sorry!” Says Jyn pretending to be afraid because she was just so clumsy, and didn’t mean to trip those troopers. 

“Hey!” A third large trooper grabs Jyn by her neck, while the first two are getting up. She’s up off the ground with flailing feet. “You little shit, you did that on purpose. Are you one of Thule’s whores too?”

“Stop it, put her down!” Says one trooper.

“You can’t strangle some bitch on crutches.” Says another. 

Jyn takes it all in. She can neutralize the big guy, but then she has three more to deal with. How fast and with what can she take them out? 

She dropped her right crutch earlier to hold the hand around her neck to try and get some air through. She pretends to just be flailing with the left one and makes contact hard with the head of the trooper next to her, hard enough to knock him out. Then she brings the crutch back and smashes it into the big troopers neck. The crutch breaks and while he’s ok, he’s startled enough to drop her. She throws a knife into his jugular before she hits the ground. Two down, two to go.

Her right crutch is available now, and she sweeps one troopers legs, then hits him with an electro stun set to high. She’s already aiming it at trooper 4 when the escaping Twi’lek blocks him.

It’s completely quiet, until her mouse droid zooms over and places itself in front of Jyn. It acts as menacingly as a mouse droid can.

“You’re together?” Asks Jyn.

“Yeah.” Says the Twi’lek. “He set me free, but they did an extra sweep. They saw me.”

“Fine. Take the chip out of your helmet, and you can cut the other one from your arm otherwise they can trace you.” Jyn says to the trooper. “I can deactivate your chip from the outside.” She tells the Twi’lek.

“Oh, what?” He answers, Jyn gestures for his helmet and takes the chip out when he gives it to her. She hands him back his helmet. 

“Let’s move.” She takes her knife from the dead mans throat. Her usable crutch is under her left arm and she carries her right broken crutch. The mouse droid stays close. “We can take care of your other chips when we’re a little better hidden. So what’s the plan?” She asks them.

“Take a ship from the Northeast port, go somewhere, anywhere non-Imperial. Anywhere with you my love.” He and the Twi’lek look at each other like they’re each other’s whole world.

“I love you.” She tells him.

Fuck, they’re all of what, 18? “I don’t think that will work. You’ll be caught there. I can get you off world, but you have to understand one thing.”

“Anything, anything for you love.” He answers staring at the beautiful Twi’lek. She’s stares back with nothing but affection.

Jyn looks pointedly at the Twi’lek. “He saved you, he doesn’t own you. You two may be together forever and happy, but if you’ve been a slave for years, you get to change and grow, and he doesn’t own you and you don’t owe him.” She looks at the former trooper. “You love her, you don’t own her and you don’t owe each other that. Understand?”

“He’s a slave too! They take them from birth!” Says the Twi’lek. “They’re taken and conditioned. They took my name and his too. He’s a number.”

“Ok then, he doesn’t own or owe you and you don’t own or owe him. Say you understand.”

“I understand.” They say in unison. Jyn knows they probably don’t, not really, but now they will remember and understand when they need to. “This is hidden enough. C’mere. I can neutralize your chip remotely now.” She changes the stunner settings to a lower setting and a frequency to kill the chip. Then she uses it.

“Left upper arm or forearm?” She asks the stormtrooper. “I’m sorry I can’t do this from the outside, this won’t be comfortable.” 

“It’s ok.” He says.

She cuts it out with delicate precision. They burn it once it’s out.

“I can put you both in my ships hold, but you can’t meet anyone else on the crew. We’ll drop you off at Shemzi Cafe Station.”

“What do you want in return?”

“For there to be one more former stormtrooper and one more former slave alive in the galaxy.”

“What do we do for money?” Asks the Twi’lek.

“I can transfer credits from the Ryloth freedom fund.” Jyn stops. She turns to the Twi’lek. “Shit, you’re considered rare.” She’s red, so she’s a Lethan Twi’lek and considered a “rare” commodity. “I don’t think Smenzi will be safe.” The Twi’lek’s face crumples. “Wait, I can keep you safe, no more slavery for either of you. It’s a little more complicated is all. I know free Twi’leks and Imperial defectors. You’ll both remain free.” Takadona has many places to go.

They are nearing the ship. “You’re resistance right? We can join you. We’ll fight for you.” Says the Twi’lek.

“You just escaped! You don’t owe me or the resistance. You’re not obligated to anyone! You don’t need to sign yourselves up for anything when you just found freedom. Please, I need to leave now and I can get you off planet. I need to keep you in the hold, but I can give you both proper clothes and food. Do you want to do this? Do you want to trust me?” The scarlet Twi’lek doesn’t look sure and Jyn doesn’t blame her. They know very little about each other. “I know you don’t know anything about me. You two need to decide what you want to do. I have to go soon.”

They look at each other, searching each other’s eyes. They come to a decision wordlessly. “We’ll trust you.” Answers the former trooper.

She puts them in the hold, and while Velma finishes readying for take off, Jyn gets them clothes and food. The little mouse droid hasn’t left her side since it found her. 

Jyn figures the trooper has probably worn nothing but uniforms, and the Twi’lek was dressed in very little and probably always dressed in very little. She gives them the warmest, softest, most utilitarian civilian clothes she can find in the boxes, and extra food, especially for the Twi’lek because Jyn suspects she’s at least half-starved. She gives them blankets as well.

“Jyn,” Asks Velma, “What are their names?”

“I didn’t ask.”

“If you go ask, I’ll cover you if they get violent.” 

Jyn laughs. “Thank you.”

“Are you laughing at me?”

“No, you think like I do. They seem safe but I want coverage! I don’t trust much.” She makes her way to the hold. “What are your names?” 

“KE-55437.” The ex-trooper replies.

“Whore.” The Twi’lek replies.

“Let me rephrase, what would you like to be called?”

“Tevlo.” Says the Twi’lek.

“Tevlo.” Says the former trooper with so much love in his eyes.

“Tevlo.” Repeats Jyn, making sure she’ll remember.

“Tevlo my love, what should my name be?”

Tevlo thinks about a name. “Kells. Is Kells a good name?”

“Yes it is Tevlo.” Answers Kells.

“Tevlo and Kells. You can contact me through that camera if you need anything. I can hear and see you, so ummm, maybe don’t have sex in here on the way.” And she leaves.

“Do you have names for them?” Asks Velma. As they are taking off.

“Tevlo and Kells.”

“I heard them, I mean for the droids.”

“I do not.”

“Can I name them?”

“Depends on what you want to call them.”

“For the little hover droid, Vie, and for the mouse droid, Klept.”

“I like those, Vie and Klept. Klept, get back here!”

. . . 

They touch down on the Takadona base 7 days after Jyn left in the early morning. When they gets back, it’s very late, and Jyn’s dead asleep, and still disguised so the new bruises on her neck won’t be seen right away. She and Velma want to sort thing’s out with Kells and Tevlo before she takes the makeup off.

“Where’s Jyn?” Cassian asks Velma calmly when only she is coming out of the ship. He knows what being in intelligence is like and wants to be nice to Velma. He hadn’t met her before, but knew of her. She’s excellent at her work.

“She’s asleep in the bunk. I didn’t want to wake her.” She replies in a matter of fact tone. 

“Is she ok?” He asks keeping the quiet friendly tone.

“Yeah, she’s just sleeping. You’re Cassian?”

“Yeah.”

“We have a compli-“

Dr. Sol and Kes arrive. They asked to be woken up whenever a ship that may contain Jyn arrives. “Where is she? Why didn’t anyone ask me if she wasn’t mission ready?” Asks an angry Callice. “She should not have left without my ok, she’s my patient!”

“She’s asleep in the bunk and I’m mission support, I didn’t have anything to do with medical orders.” Velma’s agitated now. She hadn’t been a part of the initial mission design. “Now, there’s a complication and I need a bunk for the night. I’m tired, stop accusing me of things.”

“What kind of complication?” Asks Callice.

Jyn appears in the doorway, “Sorry guys, Velma’s right, she wasn’t part of mission design. Yell at me, not her. I thought intelligence talked to you. I’m sorry.” Klept circles Jyn three times then stops and stays by Jyn’s side. “Sorry Velma.” Jyn looks exhausted and wired even through the green makeup. She has a box under her right arm containing her hover droid who is currently turned off. “Um, we brought a Twi’lek female former slave, and an Imperial defector who helped her escape. They both helped each other escape actually.”

“Jyn saved them. Ask her why she has one crutch.” Says Velma.

Jyn rounds on her and hisses. “Velma!”

“She exercised like she’s supposed to.” Says Velma. “That’s why she’s using one crutch.” Jyn smiles. Velma has also written a note about the broken crutch and neck bruising and her being dropped to pass along to the doctor when Jyn isn’t looking. 

“So what are the complications with the pickups?” Asks Cassian. He’s the highest ranking intelligence officer on this base so making decisions about the “complications” posed by Tevlo and Kells fall to him.

“They’re isolated in the hold, and haven’t met Velma or seen me out of this.” Jyn points to her face. “We would have dropped them off, but the Twi’lek is Lethan, and we couldn’t think of a safe place for her.” Callice’s mouth drops open.

“Do they want to join the Rebellion?” Asks Cassian.

“They’re both close to 18 and just got out of slavery. Let them acclimate before you recruit them.” Jyn replies with some anger in her voice.

Velma decides to intercede. “They’re interested. I think Jyn just doesn’t want them feeling like they owe her or the Alliance since they’ve been owned their whole lives.”

”I understand.” Says Cassian.

“Can I meet them?” Asks Callice.

Jyn says, “I’m newer to all this, what do you usually do?” And she looks at Velma and Cassian.

Cassian answers. “Well, first, let me find Velma a room. Jyn keep your disguise on, then when I get back, you three go meet them and I’ll be backup and observe, ok? They can meet you two, but they don’t need to meet more of us if they don’t join.”

They all agree.

While he’s only required to find a bunk for Velma. He finds her her own room, not just a bunk. He always hated when they gave him a bunk in shared quarters after missions if he wasn’t on his home base. He couldn’t decompress properly. Also, Ithorians had different needs than humans, so he tried to find a room that would be comfortable for Velma.

Velma stops him before he leaves. “I know you’re high up in intelligence and will probably see the report. The mission was successful, I recommend Jyn’s skills being utilized more in the future. I’m already receiving an excellent stream of Imperial communications, she made that possible. She did get injured though, and I’m worried she’ll try to hide it.” Velma holds out the note labeled ‘Description for medical.’

“What?”

“In case Jyn won’t say, here’s a report on her injuries and how they happened. Picking up the two of them wasn’t the mission, and Jyn fought storm troopers to save them. I saw it happen, but couldn’t get there in a reasonable amount of time. It would have blown our cover. She did exercise and do her PT everyday though.” 

“Thank you. Thanks for looking out for her too.” Velma didn’t have to pass along what happened to Jyn since it was outside the mission parameters. She’d also paid enough attention to realize Jyn would probably hide her injuries.

He stops to read the report on the way back to the ship. When he gets to the ship, he’s got his spy mask in place to hide any reactions to what he just read, then he tells them the plan. “So, if they aren’t joining the Rebellion, they don’t need to see me, know where we are, or know our real names. I think we can find a safe placement for them though. Jyn, do they know your name?”

“No. They also dropped the names they were given. He was a number and she said her name was whore. I asked them to pick new names. She’s Tevlo and he’s Kells.”

“Should we talk about what happened when you stopped the troopers from catching her?”

Jyn gets defensive. “What? No.”

“Ok then. I’ll watch you talk with them through the camera, you three go ahead in.” He sneaks Callice Velma’s report on Jyn’s injuries, but she can’t read it just yet.

Callice finds out anyway the moment Tevlo realizes her and Kes are medical personnel because she wants Jyn’s injuries checked immediately. 

“Lemme see.” Kes and Callice say simultaneously.

“No. After intake. I keep this face for now.” Jyn answers quietly. Callice narrows her eyes at Jyn and Kes looks concerned. They move on.

The intake goes well, and Tevlo and Kells insist on joining the Rebellion. It is decided they will be in support and not part of a combat team for the for now. They don’t need to sign their lives away when they just got them back.

That’s when Jyn can take her makeup off. It’s ok if they meet Cassian now and see Jyn as she actually looks. Kes and Callice are not done doing health checks on Tevlo and Kells and Cassian doesn’t need to watch that part, so he meets Jyn to to take her makeup off.

“I can do it myself.” Jyn’s almost always defensive.

“I’m sure you can, but how about I help anyway?” She doesn’t say yes or no. “Velma said the mission was a success, and about your injuries.” He carefully removes the tinted glasses that disguise her cybernetic eye. “I’ll be really careful.” 

His eyes are so warm. Tevlo had already said something, and she already knew Cassian had some idea of what happened. She didn’t know Velma had told him it was a successful mission though or given a report on her injuries. She looks down and replies softly. “Ok. Thank you.” She winces more than once while they work on getting it off her neck, she gasps once as well.

“Hey, I can get pain meds.” Says Cassian.

“No! No, I’m allergic to most of them. Callice will sort it for me when she’s done.” 

He stops. “Wait, all this time, have you not had many pain meds?”

“No I’ve had them, it’s just complicated.” Fuck, I gotta get off this topic. “I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

“I listened in on a meeting on the Ghost, and it seemed like Dav wanted you back in deep cover and maybe behind the scope, so I wanted to try out an alternative, but I wish I’d just talked to you about it all first.”

“Draven doesn’t want me doing assassinations or deep cover. What did you hear?”

“They need new intel immediately to see the strategy changes now that the Death Star is gone.”

“Then he took me aside later said no deep cover or sniper rifle for me anymore, whether I’m good at that sort of thing or not.”

“Oh. Well that’s good.”

“You’re not supposed to tell me about missions, but I would have liked to know when you were leaving and the length of it all beforehand. I feel like I was getting what I deserved though because it’s what I did.” He laughs a little. “Wait.” He stops. “You killed someone?”

She looks at him with one eyebrow up because it’s a war and they’ve both done that. 

“I mean, like, my kind of kill.”

“You’re kind of target, different kill method. And possibly one storm trooper.” She looks up at him. “I’m really sorry I didn’t say anything.”

“That’s not, it’s, ummm.” He’s not sure what anymore. He’s kinda mad she made a decision about him without him, but he was secretive about what was happening too. She killed a target and is trying to help him. “I don’t want you making decisions like that for me without talking to me, but I was stupid too because I often don’t talk about things that maybe I should. How did it go?”

“It went, uhh, interesting.”

“You got the target though?”

“We got him, and we set up a lot of intel relays. It took longer than expected.” She laughs to herself. “Can I tell you about it?”

“Can you?” 

“I’ve decided I can. You’re an expert with spy stuff, I’m just good with droids.”

“You’re good with more than just droids.” The makeup off. Jyn went from a sleek and fancy green look to a pinkish scarred one with scary neck bruising. She’s the woman who loves him and blocked him from the Death Star. She’s also the woman who took on a group of storm troopers to assist an escaping slave. He’s smiling.

“Why are you smiling like that?”

“Because your wonderful, and I’m happy you’re back.” Jyn looks at him like she just can’t figure him out. He really likes her doesn’t he. She liked Cassian, she loved him, she liked his hugs and when they touched, but she actually hadn’t thought about having him or anyone as a significant other. She refused to think it was possible after her first and last romantic relationship. There’s something in how Cassian looks at her, he’s actually interested in her. 

In figuring that out, it dawns on her that she’s in love with him too and in truth she probably has been for some time now. Now what? 

“I better go back.” Says Jyn, his eyes are so warm, I don’t want to go, I don’t know what to do if I stay. He’s wonderful. Have I redeemed myself enough to be with Cassian? “Callice will want to see me. Thank you for helping me even though I was grumpy about it. You’re too good to me.” 

She has a small smile and is tearing up a bit. She reaches for a hug, and he hugs her back. “I am not too good for you.”

When she gets back, a plan has been worked out with Tevlo and Kells. They’ve both been denied an education in the past as well, so they’re asked to take some classes. They are not the first to join the Alliance with little to no education. They will work for the Alliance as backup, not in the field divisions yet.

“Tevlo, you need to know self defense.” Says Jyn.

“I’ll protect Tevlo.” Says Kells.

Jyn rolls her eyes. “Tevlo, you should still know how to protect yourself. We can protect you, but nothing is 100%. I can teach you a lot, and there are others who can too.”

Tevlo nods. She looks somewhat subdued. Her “rarity” always feels like a curse.

“Kells, we should fill in some defense gaps for you too. They don’t teach you enough at the academies.” Adds Jyn.

The two former slaves have been given rooms, though Tevlo leaves to find Kells’ room almost immediately. She wants to hold him, and have it be her choice to ask to be with someone. He wants to hold her too.

. . .

Kes and Callice get to work on Jyn, and ask Cassian to leave. The babies need monitoring and he doesn’t know about them. It’s incredibly late, and Callice, Kes, and Jyn all eventually just sleep in the Medbay. They sleep late.


	11. Too much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning - this chapter features self harm. I don’t endorse it, but I have struggled with it on and off for years. The explanation the character gives for why it happens is how I felt when I’ve done it. This chapter also features the kind of flashback/panic attack I’ve experienced before. I’ve struggled with mental health issues and suicidal thoughts for years. I haven’t had many panic attacks as part of it though, so please let me apologize now if it isn't close to accurate for those who have them more regularly. 
> 
> This has nothing to do with the story but after admitting past suicidal thoughts and struggles with self harm, I should add that I am doing ok now, mainly thanks to a good doctor who figured out that an unconventional use of other meds worked well for me since the usual ones for depression and anxiety make me much worse.

When Jyn wakes up, she finds she and Draven have pissed off nearly all of her friends. 

Kes and Callice barely let her out of the Medbay that day. When she is allowed out, she looks for Velma, Kells, Tevlo, and Cassian. Velma flew out already. Tevlo and Kells have lunch with Jyn and she introduces them to people. While it’s still clear her friends are not happy about getting no notice before she left, they are happy to meet the two newcomers. She checks in on her junkyard too.

Callice enters the the Takadona intelligence hub unannounced and demands to talk to Draven. She is livid. “Stop with your fucking excuses and connect me to Draven now!”

Cassian arrives in the office. “Callice, wait let’s talk first.”

“CONNECT ME NOW!!!” She demands, and a droid in the room responds to her commanding tone and does so.

“Yes?” Answers a holovid Draven without looking up.

“DON’T YOU EVER SEND OVERRIDE ORDERS FOR MY PATIENTS AGAIN.” Draven jumps and falls off his chair. “How do you know I wouldn’t have said yes?”

“I am not discussing this now.” 

Jyn enters the office. “Callice stop, it’s my fault.” 

“He’s your boss, it’s his fault!” Answers the livid doctor. “Now you get the fuck back to the Medbay!”

Jyn heads there immediately. 

. . .

By the evening Cassian is the only friend who isn’t at least a bit angry about her leaving secretly for a mission without giving a time frame beforehand. Everyone is agitated. That agitation gives way to anger about Jyn’s situation, which leads to some accusations. That’s what finally pushes the question most of her friends had asked in secret out into the open. It all comes to a head around dinner time.

“No, she’s staying here.” Says Kes. He and Callice are very protective of Jyn. They were truly afraid she’d injured herself or compromised the pregnancy.

“What is your problem, we didn’t send her anywhere. She can come eat dinner!” Says Shara getting in Kes’ face.

“She’s our patient! We have more monitoring to get through!” Says Callice. 

“And we’re all fine and she isn’t so you don’t appear to be very good at your job.” Says an angry Baze.

“You guys and Draven, what the fuck have you been doing to her? You’re actively hurting her!” Shara yells. It’s out now. Everyone is ok except Jyn and there isn’t a good reason for that as far as her friends can tell.

As Jyn comes out of the fresher, she sees and hears it all, and it’s too much. She sees Bohdi, Baze, Churrit, Cassian, and Shara squaring off against Kes and Callice about Jyn’s health. 

Fuck. They all care a lot, and of course it appears she isn’t getting proper treatment for her injuries. Saying nothing about the mission wasn’t a great call, but she could handle them mad at her. She can’t handle them being this angry at Kes and Callice. Her, Kes, Dr. Sol, and Draven assuring them she’s fine with vague language clearly isn’t enough. 

Underneath all the layers of clothing she wears, she’s already showing. Scarif was 31 days ago, and she calculates that she’s probably been pregnant for 8 weeks. She decides she has to tell them. Her body will tell them soon enough.

“Stop it, stop it, just stop it!!” She yells over all of them. She puts her hands over her face and closes her eyes. She's steels herself. She uncovers her face, opens her eye but keeps them focused on the ground. “The medical care is fine! I’m just complicated now. It has to do with the labor camp on Wobani,”

“Jyn, you don’t have to tell - “ Kes starts to say, but Jyn cuts him off.

“It’s ok Kes, I can’t hide it much longer anyway.” I can do this, I can get through this. “Three guards, they said it was me or they’d get it from the two girls a few cells down, and, and, and they were young, like 14 or 16, I think, so I, so I,“ and it’s all coming out in a rush, and she will get it out now, then she can hide away from eyes and ears. 

Cassian sees where it’s going and there’s a drum beat in his head of, no, no, no, no, no, not this too.

“Of course I said yes, I had to protect them.” It makes her skin feel crawly just recalling it, and she shudders. “It only happened a few times, some other guards walked in once and made them stop. After Scarif, a med droid saw I was pregnant, I didn't know. It told Draven, he put together labor camp and, and, and that I probably wasn't,” she still wasn’t comfortable saying the word rape out loud, “a willing participant, so he made sure I was allowed to make whatever choices that came next without pressure. He didn't hurt me. He brought in Dr. Sol because she's the closest to an expert the Alliance has when it comes to complicated pregnancies. That’s why they can't just fix me like they fixed you guys.” She leaves and walks faster than she’s ever walked since Scarif.

They are all stunned and silent. Then Cassian runs to follow her. 

“She’s pregnant? She was raped?” Bohdi asks. He needs confirmation that he actually heard what he thinks he just heard.

“Yes,” says Kes. 

. . . 

Cassian runs. He had forgotten that it's very different being a woman in a prison camp. He should have known there was a real possibility she endured sexual abuse on Wobani when he read her file, it wasn’t written in there but it should have occurred to him. He feels like an idiot. 

Cassian runs. Not this too. Starved, alone, wild, beaten, imprisoned, and she’s been raped before. Well, at least he can relate.

When he catches up to her, he moves in step next to her. He makes sure she sees him before he’s too close. He doesn’t want to surprise her if he can help it. When he knows she’s seen him, he walks closer. He doesn’t reach for her or move away, just walks next to her.

She keeps going because she’s trying to outrun this overwhelming all over her body crawling feeling. Just keep going, just keep going. She’d put the whole experience away, not forgotten, but filed away with other memories she had put away for one reason or another. She never forgets, she just added another partition to keep it at a safe distance within her mind. It wasn’t a life experience she was happy about, but it hadn’t taken over her like this before. She had controlled it. Now she’s resorting to trying to escape a thing inside herself by running. 

But Jyn, you’ve done worse, you are worse, she reminds herself. Usually self hatred over the deaths of the Ponta’s holds everything else in its place. She blames herself for their deaths, and part of her is convinced she deserves every bad thing that happens to her and probably worse for getting them killed. 

Why is this time different?

They walk in the woods for awhile, and then she shudders. It catches up and it’s everywhere. She falls to her hands and knees and starts to heave. She vomits until she dry heaves. Cassian holds her hair out of the way and rubs her back.

When she stops dry heaving she backs away from him still on hands and knees. It’s just all over her. She tears at her clothes then pulls off her shirt, boots, and pants. She’s in a bra, tank top, undershorts, and one sock. She scratches hard at her arms, legs, neck, face, everywhere. 

Off, get them off her, hands everywhere, off, off, get it off! So much pain inside, need to feel it outside. 

“Whoa, Jyn, please, please stop scratching.” Now Cassian is following her on his hands and knees. He hadn’t realized just how covered up she usually is. She’s actually already showing, and she has some serious scarring on her upper back, scars that are different than the kyber burns that decorate the right side of her body. 

He’s trying to get between her hands and body, not trying to hold on to her hands, just to try to get her to stop scratching. 

“Rrrrrrggggrrhhh, no.” She growls. 

“Please?”

“Aaaaarrrghh.” She’s angry and tears streak her face. Why is this happening? She hadn’t reacted like this to being raped before and now she feels it viscerally. She knows where she is, but it’s like an overlay of the feelings during and right after she was raped are there. She’d locked them away then, but they are out now. Cassian’s still staying close. She keeps crawling backwards. He crawls forward towards her. She looks at him. “Why are you here? I just said three people had their way with me and I’m gross, it’s everywhere. Why are you here?” 

“Jyn, how can you even ask that? If our roles were reversed, I know you would be there for me.” 

She’s still crawling and tearing at her skin, and he’s following her, still trying to get between her hands and body. “You don’t know that.”

“I do know. You want to know how I know?” She doesn’t stop but she slows and looks at him. “I know because you used your body to block me from the Death Star. I know because you said I love you to me because you wanted me to know I was loved before I died. My parents were the last to say I love you Cassian before you. You spent your last moments protecting someone else and comforting someone else. You spent your last moments comforting me.”

She wasn’t sure he’d heard her say I love you until now. They hadn’t talked about it. 

He continues. “You care. You saved a little girl on Jedha. You didn’t know her, you were in an active war zone. You stood in front of Kaytoo when Baze was about to shoot him. You didn’t like him or me then either. You risked your life to try to save your father, then you risked it to hold him and give him comfort when he was dying. You saved Tevlo and Kells and brought them somewhere safe. You found hope after constant abandonment, after you were completely alone. You led an impossible mission given to you by your father who you hadn’t seen in 13 years, and you succeeded. You inspired a bunch of loners and misfits and Raddus! You held me up, told me I was a good man and you said I love you, and I know it was an I love you without any requirements, just pure.” 

He’s closer and he’s put his hand on her arm. “No, no, you’ll get dirty!” She pulls away. Takadona has a lot of bodies of water and she has now backed herself into some mud next to a swampy area by a lake shore, and she doesn’t care. She sinks her hands deep into the muck and flexes her fingers and hands deep in it. “I’ve done things, not for the greater good, you wouldn’t think those things if you knew, you’d hate me.” She starts dry heaving.

“Try me.” She’s scaring him. He’s seen panic and flashbacks in others and himself. Maybe she holds so much in that when it comes out it’s a flood. He doesn’t believe he’d hate her, that’s not scaring him. She started scratching hard again, she’s tearing at herself and the clothes she has on still, she was crawling, she was throwing up, and she still shakes and shudders. He’s had similar reactions, though not recently, and never with this level of intensity. He’s desperate to get through to her to tether her to him and to friends. He wants to hold her so she can feel hidden but not alone. 

“No, then I’d have no one.” She stops crawling and just cries. Why am I talking about it at all? How did it slip out?

“Jyn, with all those reasons I admire you, with all we’ve been through, whatever it is, it can’t possibly make me not want to be your friend.”

“It can.”

“Please just tell me.”

I’ll disappoint him now, it’ll happen sooner or later anyway. “The Ponta’s, a son and mum.”

Holy shit! Cassian keeps his face calm, but inside he’s losing it because the person who holds way too much in is about to talk to him about what she considers the worst of the worst. He hoped she’d talk to him about it, but he’s still stunned when she does.

Through sobs and tears, “Hadder was the son, he eventually was my boyfriend. Akshaya was the mum, she took me in. I was starving and wild. I loved them. Hadder wanted to join the Rebellion but wouldn’t leave without me. I didn’t want to go, I thought I’d had enough of that with Saw. I said no, but I should have left to join. Imperials came because an alias of mine caught up with me. We split into two ships to escape, me in one and both of them in another. Their ship was shot down. 

“It’s my fault. I killed them. It wasn’t for the cause or anything like that. They should be alive, I should be in prison, I deserve all the nightmares, I deserve prison, I deserve worse.” Her hands are out of the muck and she tears at herself again. There are too many feelings inside, so many, too many, so she has to feel pain on the outside.

“Did you push the button on the weapon that shot them down?”

“I may as well have.”

“Did you target their ship and shoot them with these hands?” He does catch them now to hold them out in front of her so she’ll look at them.

“No, not technically.”

“Did Leia blow up Alderaan?” He let’s go of her hands slowly.

“No, but that’s different.”

“Jyn, how is it possible that you understand and care for those around so well and then you don’t ask the question, what if the roles were reversed?”

“What?”

“They clearly loved you. And like you said, you loved them. If the roles were reversed, would you blame them?” 

Her brain just stops.

When it starts again, she slowly examines what he said. Would she? If she’d found someone like her, starved, lonely, left behind, feral looking which she rarely admits but she doesn’t pretend it isn’t true right now, and battle worn because she was a child soldier then, what would she think? They took her in and she was one of them. They worked together and she worked hard, she wasn’t some leech or parasite. There was no way they didn’t have some idea of her past. She didn’t aim the weapon and push the button to shoot them down, she would never shoot at them, ever.

She has an answer to his question. “I wouldn’t blame them if the roles were reversed.” She says it so quietly. It’s like it’s a secret.

He adds quietly. “And I still want to be here, and I don’t hate you.” 

SQUELCH. She sits back in the mud. She’s looking down. At least she’s off her hands and knees. Maybe he can coax her out. “Jyn,” SQUELCH SQUELCH he walks into the mud. “Ooof.” He gets a muddy hand to the side of the face when she reaches out to push him away without thinking or looking. He falls back and out of the mud. She looks up now.

The look on her face immediately turns to one of a small child caught stealing a cookie for the first time, and knowing they are in trouble, but not sure what kind of trouble. 

“Jyn! How did you know this was the look I was going for? I feel so formal.” He looks earnest, contemplating his outfit and muddy handprint makeup. She stares, then she laughs. He adds, “I think I need both sides to match. Can you do this side too?”

“Yeah,” she crawls over slowly and softly puts a muddy hand print on the other side of his face. “Very formal, you can go to a fancy party on Naboo.”

“I love parties on Naboo, they’re great this time of year. You look even more formal - “

“Oh my god I’m covered in mud and my clothes are gone.” She interrupts. She knew she was feeling awful and crawling and scratching in the dirt then the mud, but it was kind of abstract. In reality she’s wearing dirt, mud blobs with leaves and twigs, a tank top, bra, one sock, and undershorts. 

“You look like a very formal swamp monster.” He says with all the faux gravitas he can muster. 

She rushes him, “Swamp Monster Attack!” She knocks him down.

“No! Not the formal Swamp Monster!” He stays down pretending to block himself from her muddy attack. Her attack is mostly messy, she isn’t trying to pin him or land a hit. “Oh no!” He gets her to laugh as he reacts dramatically.

Jyn stills again and stares at Cassian. It’s like she’s looking at him like he’s a puzzle. Her hand is on his chest, and she isn’t perfectly still, but it is a little like time has stopped. He sits up slowly, her hand stays on him, and she watches and doesn’t move. They sit close facing each other and he waits while her mind races. She’s jittery, and looks about to say something then doesn’t over and over.

“Jyn.” She becomes present in the moment. “When I was 14, I was undercover and an Imperial Officer molested me. I know it’s not the same thing as what happened to you, but I remember sometimes it was like the old feelings from then were repeating over what was happening in the present. Does it feel like that?”

She nods, it’s exactly how it feels. She’s still starting and stopping. She wants to scratch, and stay, and leave, and be quiet, and scream. The crawling sensation isn’t gone, it’s just barely tolerable.

“I remember it felt awful. Davits and Bail and Breha Organa helped me through it, and time helped.”

She speaks again quietly, and asks like she’s not sure if she’s allowed to ask, “How did they help?”

“Mainly, they were there and stayed when I panicked. My parents were dead when I was six. A partisan cell took me in. That group came into the Alliance early on. The Alliance ends up with more than a few orphans, so they stay with families under fake names. I did work for the Rebellion, but it usually wasn’t dangerous work until I was closer to 18. I stayed with the Organa’s as an assistant and under a different name for awhile, and they were like family. I didn’t tell anyone when it happened, but they figured out something had happened. They convinced me to tell them. 

“The officer was long gone, but I had flashbacks and panic attacks. Bail and Breha stayed with me through them, and not being alone during those times made a big difference. Breha sat up all night with me a few times. I didn’t talk much, she just hugged me and stayed with me.”

“I didn’t panic, even when it happened. I tried to put my mind somewhere else.” She speaks in a low spent voice. “I panicked when the Death Star came to Yavin 4. I wanted the baby to live. I didn’t know I was carrying two babies yet.” She pauses. “You want to stay?” She asks him so quietly. It’s hard to ask, she is a literal mess and feels like a huge figurative one as well. She keeps her eyes on the ground.

“Yes, yes I do.” Cassian replies gently. Inside at the moment he is so angry at how she was raised. He thought he’d had it bad, but she’d had don’t show any weakness drilled into her by caretakers, and then reinforced by her actual life over and over. She’s closed her eyes, he assumes both, the cybernetic eye attachment looks the same open or closed, so he puts his hand on her chin and gently leads her to look at him. “Jyn, this might blow your mind. I really enjoy your company, like always, I want to be here with you when you’re happy, when you’re angry, when you’re sad, and when you’re a swamp monster. All of it. I know you would do the same for me.”

“I don’t want to talk through what actually happened though.”

“Not asking you to. Just when a thing like this happens, don’t be alone.” It’s quiet again. “Babies?”

“Yes, two babies. Chopper told me.”

“What?”

“How downloaded med programming to help fix me.”

She shivers and wants to scratch but puts a tentative hand out instead. He takes the invitation and carefully pulls her closer then holds her. They scoot back to sit against a tree together. She leans back against his chest and his arms are around her, gently keeping her hands in check. The sun has gone down and she shivers because she’s actually cold now.

“I have my own room with a hot shower. You want to use it?”

“Kinda. It’s just . . . there were so many feelings inside, I needed pain outside. I’m all scratched under the dirt and mud. What do I tell Kes and Callice?”

“I think you can say what you just said to me. It makes sense.” He tucks her closer, she’s so cold. “Also, Kes and Callice are medical workers in the Alliance Military. They’re helpful with this stuff.” 

“You, you’ll stay?” She turns to find his eyes. 

He moves her hair away from her face. “Of course.” 

. . .

An hour later he’s sitting next to Kes on his bed while the bottom of his shower is covered in mud. Callice assists Jyn in the shower. Kes brought her clean clothes after they initially met up. 

Kes, Callice, Cassian, and Jyn talk for awhile in Cassian’s room. They talk about favorite foods, movies, and their old war stories. They aren’t there to take her to the Medbay this time, she can sleep at Cassian’s without a 5 AM angry med droid visit. They also insist she isn’t weak, and that there are different ways people react to traumas and that’s ok. They do insist she sleep with the mittens taped on tonight. 

Cassian and Jyn hold each other all through the night.


	12. Droids and droids

“Jyn!” Bohdi is breathless. “Jyn, my sister has babies!” It's a couple days later and pretty early in the morning in the Medbay.

“Bohdi, not now,” chides Kes.

“No! I can't keep the memories, I'll forget, they'll be lost, I, just, it's important! I'm the pilot.”

Jyn puts her hands firmly on his shoulders, “Tell me about your sister’s babies.” Bor Gullet had left Bohdi’s mind partially shattered and if he wants to tell her something and it's important and he might forget, she's going to let him, regardless of how she feels about the subject at the time.

“My sister. . . “ He stops, then says,” I'm the pilot.“ He stills a little. “My sister has kids, 3, and sometimes she needs my help. I help, I can hold them and keep them busy. When she’s tired and frustrated and has no patience and might want hurt one, I help. My nieces and nephew are wonderful, and sometimes, they’re very frustrating for my sister.” He’s quiets for awhile. “They’re gone.” He remembers. And his head falls forward and he cries. Jyn holds him close then and they rock a little. Shara had come in to see Kes, and heard most of the conversation. She hugs them both as tear tracks appear on her cheeks. Kes joins the bear hug as well. 

“Bohdi?” Shara croaks and sniffles. “Could we, could we have a memorial for your sister and her children? We can set up a marker with their names too?” 

Bohdi sobs a little less while he thinks about it. He thinks for a minute, eyes darting back and forth focused on nothing in particular. “Yes, Shara, I, can you help?”

“Yes,” Shara sniffles. “We’ll plan it together.”

. . .

The memorial ends up being for Baze and Churrit's family and friends, Bohdi’s family, for Jedha itself, for Jyn’s parents, and the Ponta family. 

“Jyn, you didn't get to do any burial for your father. Can we do a memorial for him as well?” Asks Churrit. 

“I hadn't thought about, hadn't, . . “ She thinks awhile. “Can it, I'd like to include my Mama. They took her body when they, she hit the ground, I don't know where, I didn't get to. . “

“Yes little sister,” Baze mercifully cuts in and hugs her.

Saw’s actions likely killed people Bohdi, Baze, and Churrit knew as collateral damage. She decides to give Saw a goodbye alone on a different day.

Churrit leads the memorial ceremony for them all, it and it is beautiful.

. . .

Leia and Cassian thought Jyn and Han would bond, but it’s Jyn and Luke who become close friends. 

Luke and Jyn routinely seek each other out to whine and rage in private. They even turn their respective weaknesses up to extreme levels to get it all out and to make each other laugh while doing so. Cassian is getting a little bit jealous because they have so many inside jokes and they’re so close. 

He’s looking for Jyn and finds Jyn and Luke alone together in the junkyard.

“Why do I ALWAYS have to get the plarnosh and clods ready? I’ll never get good at fighting like this.” Luke whines as nasally and over the top as he possibly can.

“AND IF I HAVE TO CLEAN THE TOILETS AGAIN THIS WEEK,” Says a tiny raging Jyn, hands flying, going in circles around her crutch and stamping one foot, in an exaggerated tantrum, “I’M GONNA START BLOODY FOLLOWING PEOPLE INTO THEM! HOW CAN PEOPLE DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE! SOMETHING HAS GONE WRONG WITH THEIR BODIES! WHY AM I ALWAYS ON TOILET DUTY??”

“Um, hi guys.” Says Cassian.

“Oh, you caught us. You can’t tell anyone.” Says Jyn.

“What did I catch?” Asks Cassian.

“Whining tantrum club.” She replies. Then she gets in his face with a menacing look. “You. Tell. No. One.” 

He puts his hands up in surrender. “Ok, I won’t.” He pauses. “I don’t get it.”

“I’m too whiny, she’s too angry, we’re both not used to having all these people around, so we whine and rage at each other when we need to or we are just quiet together.” Explains Luke. He adds, “It’s been helpful.”

“I agree.” Adds Jyn. “You might want to go though. We’re really annoying like this, which is why we have to save it up for each other in the first place.”

“We actually usually just whine and yell for less than ten minutes then we work on repairing droids and mechs.” Adds Luke. “Do you really have toilet duty that often?”

“No, but I do wonder what the hell is wrong with some of you because what I find sometimes, something is definitely wrong with some of your gastrointestinal systems.”

“I can’t tell if angry whiny club is a bad idea or genius. I think probably genius.” Says Cassian. “I won’t tell anyone. Leia could use something like this.”

“Nah, Han does it for her already.” Jyn says.

“Force that guy can’t get out of his own way.” Says Cassian.

Jyn looks at him. “He knows what he’s doing, it’s on purpose.”

“I don’t think so.” Says Luke.

“It is! Her planet is gone, she was tortured by Vader, she’s been a political diplomat since birth probably, she runs the biggest group going up against the Empire, and she has to be diplomatic all the time, so he gets her to yell at him because it’s at least one place she can blow off steam.”

“I still don’t think it’s on purpose.” Says Luke.

“He would leave if it wasn’t on purpose.” She replies.

“I think he has a crush on her.” Says Cassian.

“Probably, but honestly he wouldn’t stay for just a crush. The outer rim isn’t small, and he does not have hard time finding interested women or men. Even he sees how ridiculous a relationship with her would be. He’s a mediocre smuggler and an excellent pilot. She runs the Alliance, the biggest group taking on the GALACTIC Empire, and all while fighting and being diplomatic nearly all the time,”

“She doesn’t run it alone, there’s the council.” Says Cassian.

Jyn just looks at him skeptically before continuing, “She runs it, and all that after Vader tortured her, and after seeing her home planet disintegrate. He knows it’s a ridiculous relationship, so he stays crush or no crush. He’s Leia’s whipping boy. I don’t know that it’s the best thing, but he’s doing so on purpose.”

“Huh.” Says Luke. He’s looking at nothing in particular while mulling it over.

“She seems angrier though.” Says Cassian.

“Nah, she’s always angry, she just has a place to put it now.” Replies Jyn.

Cassian likes Leia, but he saw her mainly as a politician. He hadn’t seen her in quite this light. “Force, I gotta appreciate Leia more.” He says.

“We all do.” Adds Jyn.

Luke smiles at the thought of Leia being appreciated more and allowed to unload some of her burdens. “Did he tell you all that?”

“No, too proud. I know him enough to say it’s all true.”

“Do you like Han, like want to date him?” Cassian asks Jyn, he can’t contain his curiosity. 

“Nope!” She answers firmly, then laughs. “We’re the wrong kind of alike. We’d be an awful couple. Within the first week, I’d beat the shit out of him and he’d fly away to the other side of the galaxy.”

“You’ve thought this through?” Asks Luke.

“I’ve really mostly known men and women like him. So yes.”

“So, who have you dated?” Asks Luke. Cassian wishes Luke hadn’t asked. A quick wave of abject despair crosses her face before she covers it with a more neutral somewhat annoyed expression. 

“I dated three Wookiee’s disguised as a single Rhodian. It was a very clever disguise.”

“How would that work?” Asks Luke cheekily.

“It was a VERY CLEVER disguise.” She replies.

. . . 

“Baze where have you guys been?” Asks Jyn.

“A mission! Churrit and I got good intel.”

“Where?”

“Naboo. We dressed to blend in, so no shoulder cannon or red armor. People really like talking to Churrit. I don’t know why, but they liked talking to me too.”

“That shouldn’t surprise you as much as it does.” Says Churrit. “Anyway, I think we found our new calling.”

“Churrit’s blindness makes him seem like he isn’t intimidating, if they only knew.” Baze smiles wide at this. While the blind are already underestimated, his Churrit is always a deadly threat and they have no absolutely no idea. Jyn can tell Baze enjoys this new kind of work. 

“I didn’t talk to anyone unless I had to when we met, but I talked to you two. I’m not surprised that you are good at it.” Says Jyn. She hopes to go along sometime. She’s getting antsy. “I have a hover droid that might be a help. It can pass on it’s reconnaissance in Unscoly vibrations.”

“Why would you just happen to have a droid that can communicate in a language made for the blind, and in one of the languages I know?” Asks Churrit knowingly. “I didn’t ask for one.”

“I know.” She’s a little embarrassed that she just up and did it without asking what he would like. “I was tinkering, and this particular hover droid wants to be a protocol droid. I found it was one of the languages I could upload, so I did. This one behaves better than many of the others do.”

“You should come along with us next time.” Says Baze.

“The hover droid wants to be a protocol droid?” Churrit wonders if he heard right. He has to meet this droid.

. . .

A few days later, it’s so nice outside that quite a few Alliance members are out in the field behind Jyn’s junkyard. Churrit is helping Cassian with his hand to hand combat skills. Cassian finally has no more back brace, not even a small one, and needs to update his skills. Ezra and Kanan are sparring nearby, and getting some sharp critiques now and then from Sabine while she talks weapons with Baze. 

“Sabine, if you’re great at this form, you come show me.” Ezra says challenging her.

“I think I will,”

Baze cuts in, “But we’re not done with weapons yet.”

“PUT THAT DOWN! Now! No, not later NOW!” They hear Jyn yelling at someone from within the junkyard. She’s loud. They stop to listen. “Don't you dare pretend you can't hear me, I know for a fact you can hear me!”

They can't see her yet, or who won't put something down because whoever it is is behind the junkyard fence. 

“Don't you dare, I WILL END YOU!” 

“Tweeee tweeep thraaa beep cheep!” A small hover droid comes around the fence with Jyn’s crutch. 

Clang, clang, thump, clang. “DON’T YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME! Get back here. Get back here. Get right back here now! No, now!” The droid stops and Jyn comes toward it using a broken metal chair to assist her walking. She looks unmistakably pregnant now even though she's only 12 weeks along.

“Thweeee chrrreep bleep!”

“No you cannot play your song on all the communication channels. The Empire is still not looking for droid composed Sith Anthems, you just asked me yesterday! You can play your anthems for me instead, I’ll even pretend to be a Sith for you. NOW Come here! Right here!” And she points to where right here is, which is right in front of her. Then she turns to the rest of them. “And don’t you dare help, she's gotta learn!”

“I think you should shoot her down.” Kaytoo C says as he comes up behind Jyn. He's been following her and the droid watching it all play out and he is throughly entertained.

“I didn't ask you! Damnit! You scared her, go over there Kaytoo, NOW!” And Jyn points toward Cassian. 

“No.” Kaytoo replies. She gives him the stink eye for a good 10 seconds. “Fine.” Kaytoo walks to Cassian. Jyn starts to follow the droid again, then stops.

“YOU COME HERE NOW! THAT’S YOUR FINAL WARNING! . . . One! . . . Two!” The hover droid hovers toward her. She waits until it’s “here” then puts out her hand. She hands her the crutch. “Thank you.”

“Therrwweee prreet threep!” The little droid trills loudly at her.

Jyn gasps. “I am not! You go to your room right now!” 

“Thrweep,”

“NOW!”

The droid sullenly hovers toward its room. When it goes around to the other side of the fence, Jyn flops to sitting down on the ground right where she was standing. She looks and sees everyone is looking at her. “I won!” She says with a smile. 

“What did you win?” Asks Baze. 

“I won the droid doesn't do whatever the hell it wants unchallenged challenge. I lost yesterday.” And she lays back in the grass looking very pleased with herself.

“Churrit, ummm, can I?”

“Yeah, go.”

“What did it call you?” Asks Ezra.

“It didn't make a lot of sense. She called me a broken drawer with a broken hyperdrive. It means something more to her than it does to me.”

Cassian lays next to Jyn. “What happened yesterday?”

“Three of them locked me in a broken freighter. I had to climb out the window.”

Kaytoo C pipes up, “It was hilarious. Jyn, can I move now?”

“Yes, sorry Kay.” Says Jyn.

“Wait, Kay, did you see Jyn trying to get out the window and didn't help?”

Jyn answers for him, “No, he didn't see me, he was watching the cage match. That's why the droids locked me up. They wanted to have a cage match and I said no.”

“Lady won the match.” Says Kaytoo. “Did 5 recover?” 

“No, and now Lady is sulking because apparently she really likes 5 even though she was the one who broke him.”

Jyn sighs and says “Droids.” at the same time Kaytoo says, “Women.”

“Hey!” Says Sabine, Jyn, and Kaytoo simultaneously. Kanan tries to smother a laugh.

Cassian doesn't want an argument to start up. “Kaytoo, please go prep the ship for the mission tomorrow.”

“I don't want to, I'm not even going on this mission.”

“Kay,”

He hangs his head to the side dejectedly. “Fine.”

“Why didn't you Comm someone instead of climbing out the window? We could have gotten you out.” Cassian asks as casually as possible. He's angry Jyn had to climb out a window, but not about to make her defensive.

“I wasn't sure if Gus was guarding the gate.” She answers. “He found a blaster and I thought he might shoot whoever came to help. I took it away and he's turned off for now.”

“Where did he find a blaster?” Cassian's alarmed now and can't hide it.

“I honestly have no idea. That's not good is it. So, where's your next mission?”

Kanan cuts in, “Wait you made a droid that went and got itself a weapon? What kind of droids are you making?”

“Useful ones. He's the only one to go get a blaster. It's fine.”

“I don't think it's fine.” Says Kanan quietly. They’ve all gone back to talking and Churrit has joined Kanan and Ezra’s sparring practice.

Cassian answers her question from earlier. “Going to Bespin and Mustafar, just need to get some updates from contacts. Not a big secret or a deep cover situation. Shouldn't take too long.” He catches a flash sadness go across her face. “Want to go to lunch?”

“I can’t, I have to go to the Medbay.” A flash of sadness crosses his face. “Want to come?”

“Ummm, sure.”

. . .

It's a bone scan and an ultrasound. 

“You’re hip and leg aren't improving much because the babies are taking a lot of vitamins and minerals out of you just as fast as we get them in, and because of the kyber radiation complications, which you already know about. Keep exercising though.” Says Doctor Sol. “Now for the fun part.”

Cassian feels a little out of place, until he sees the baby on the blurry screen. It's confusing and exciting. The doctor is logging her readings, and Cassian is so excited he starts narrating everything he sees. “Jyn, the baby’s moving, and that’s the heart, is that the heart?”

Jyn smiles at Cassian's enormous grin, then looks back at the monitor to see. Cassian is a man of few words. He usually just takes a lot in and speaks very little. Apparently he’s been saving his words up for ultrasounds because he is very talkative now. 

“Yes, it's the heart.” Says Dr. Sol. “I'm going to look at the other baby now.”

“Force, Jyn how do two of them fit here?” She's not that big. “How big are they now? There’s that heartbeat!” Says a nearly beside himself happy Cassian. “Those are feet! Wait, they must be feet, they’re feet right?”

Jyn replies. “I think so.” She looks down at her belly. “You have feet little one!”

“And a heart!” Cassian adds towards Jyn’s belly. 

Doctor Sol is having trouble getting through all the logging with all the talking, but visits like these are fun. She likes when her job involves pregnancy because it isn’t actually an illness. She’d listen to these two all day if she didn’t have other things to get to.

“I'm almost done you two, then I have to kick you out.” She tells them while frowning.

“Oh, can't we stay?” Asks Cassian.

“I want lunch.” Says Jyn. 

“Fine.” Says Cassian pretending the decision is his. “We’ll go to lunch. You want lunch little ones?” He asks her stomach.

Jyn says, “Yes!” In high pitched voice while not moving her lips.

He laughs. They head for the mess.

Jyn leans her head closer to Cassian to ask him in a question in a lowered voice. “Can you come every time I have an ultrasound?”

He whispers back, “I was going to ask you the same thing.”

They share a look. Force she’s beautiful thinks Cassian. 

I love him, I love him, thinks Jyn.


	13. Look out

Cassian's easy mission to Bespin went well. He negotiated with Lando Calrissian through Lobot. Lando can’t get very involved without endangering his people, but he can pass along information he thinks will be useful to the Alliance and he can help move medical supplies along to them as well. Supplies often have to take a circuitous route.

Mustafar was going well too, until it wasn’t. On the last day he was seen in an Imperial mining facility in a place he clearly shouldn’t be and he is currently pinned down by stormtroopers. He got out a call for an extraction, but he doesn’t know if anyone heard. He can’t hold out much longer.

A mouse droid rolls over to his position with a message written in chalk on its back. “Your rescue has arrived.” There’s a paper note and mask attached to the droid too.

C, 

Put mask on. Don't freak when you feel a hand from behind, it'll be mine.

J

Jyn? On Mustafar? He puts the mask on as the room starts to fill with a pink gas. He doesn't get it on fast enough though, and some gas gets in his throat and eyes. The hand comes from behind and grabs his hand. It guides him to a nearby small maintenance door that had been flush with the wall. The smoke and gas cover their escape. 

Jyn!

Oh shit, Cassian’s moving wrong, he must have gotten some of the smoke under the mask Jyn realizes.

Jyn’s voice comes out of her mask with a mechanical tone. “Can you breath ok?”

“Not well,” he wheezes, “let’s go.”

“Tiny? Come in,”

“Just ahead of you.” Zeb meets them outside of the small tunnel.

“Take him to the ship quick, he can't breath. Can you carry him?” 

“Yeah, but what about you?”

“I have a plan, pick me up at maintenance dock 44.”

“Jyn . . . No . .” Cassian wheezes.

“Trust me,” says Jyn.

“Maintenance Dock 44. Careful love.” Says Zeb and runs off with Cassian.

Cassian is panicked, Jyn, pregnant Jyn on a rescue in enemy territory, on fucking Mustafar, and he can't breath well or see clearly. No no no, not ok. 

Zeb Comms ahead, “Green, I got the package but it’s a little damaged.”

“You have Psycho?” 

“I had to carry the package, Psycho changed part of the plan. Get ready to move.” 

“What?”

Thank God Zeb’s strong. He puts Cassian through a hatch to the floor above and climbs up after him. Rex meets them by dock 99 as stormtroopers round the corner. Rex provides cover while they get on the Falcon. They close the doors and pull Cassian's mask off.

“She said meet her at Maintenance Dock 44. Where is it?” Zeb asks Chewbacca.

“Hhrrrangh.” The two head for the cockpit. 

Rex puts an oxygen mask on Cassian. “You’re ok, you’re ok. Just breath.” Rex tells him. Rex isn't looking at him though. He’s looking around, and listening. Things aren't going according to plan. He takes Cassian to the cockpit and straps him into a seat and attaches the oxygen tank to the seat.

“Jyn?” He croaks. “Why . . . inside?”

“She was the only one who fit, and we didn’t have her droids along, we had to commandeer the mouse one with a remote. We’re going to go get her, she’ll be fine.” Says Rex, though he’s not sure she will be.

. . . 

Jyn realizes she can't keep up and Cassian has to be carried. Thank Force she brought her new invention and looked over the building schematics a lot ahead of time. Her backpack and belt full of tricks feel great right now. She is a little excited to try out something she's been working on even under these hectic circumstances. 

She ducks into maintenance tunnels that lead to mining equipment. It’s dark, and she shorts out the light control panel to keep it that way.

She finds what she's looking for, deactivated lava mining droids.

“Let’s see if you work.” She takes a small gray box out of her bag and attaches a cord to it. She jams the other end into the droid. “Come on, come on,”

“Whirr whirrrr, cheep blorp.”

“Yes!” She ties and attaches some some ropes and straps to it. “Follow me.” She hobbles and it follows. 

“I think they’re down here!” She hears a trooper say.

Fuck. “Ok, your gonna carry me up there and stay there until I give you more directions, understand?”

“Woooo.” 

”Thank you.” She puts her crutch in one of the straps, then puts one around her back and under her arms, then puts her arms into some of the other straps. Her gas mask is still on. She sets off more gas canisters as troopers enter the mining dock. They don't see her floating up to the ceiling, they can’t breathe well, and they can't get the lights on. 

“Over to that window,” she whispers and points. It drifts them over to it. There's a tiny ledge. She pulls her pick kit out to work on the window lock. After a tense minute, she opens the window. It opens outward on an angle, Jyn and the mining droid will fit through it, barely. Time to Comm the team. Her toes are just on the inside ledge but they help steady her a bit.

“Where are you?” She whispers.

“Hrrannngh!” Says Chewy. 

“We can see the outside of Maintenance Dock 44.” Says Zeb, “Where are you?”

“Coming out the window above it now. I’ll come to you.”

“What?!?” Zeb and Rex say in unison.

“Hhhrrangggh!!” Says Chewie.

. . . 

They see a lava mining droid hover out the window. 4 sets of eyes widen when they see Jyn is strapped to it. They hover toward the Falcon, quite high over the ground. 

“Did we bring a lava mining droid?” Asks Zeb. He and Rex run to the hatch. Cassian, can't run yet, but he does unstrap and get to the hatch as fast as he can.

She’s floating through the hatch when he gets there. She and the Falcon are now being shot at, and the lava mining droid turns on its own to protect Jyn from the laser bolts. Zeb and Rex drag her and the droid in as fast as possible, but the droid clearly doesn’t want to stay and makes a lot of noises at Jyn. Jyn’s coat is grazed by laser fire.

While she starts to untangle her arms, Zeb yells, “Chewie, we got her! Get us outta here!” 

“Wait!” Yells Jyn. She hands her new droid friend the little gray box, and the droid leaves.

“Cassian!” Rex says, “You gotta strap in!” Why won’t he stay where I put him? 

“Jyn, how, why?” Cassian asks. He has puffy eyes and is still wheezing. “Sent you?” He tries to help, and at least he can see clearly again through those puffy eyes.

Rex moves him. “Zeb’s got it, then Jyn will sit with you.” He says assertively leaving no room for argument. He straps him into the closest seat in the lounge. 

“Ouch!” Jyn rips her thin coat off and stamps the little fire on it out. She has on thin tank top because a Mustafar lava factory is fucking hot. Her tank top has a low back and as she spins pulling the coat off, Cassian sees those marks on her back again. Rex sees the look on Cassian's face.

“Ask me first, I'll explain later.” He says quietly to Cassian.

Jyn shoves her stuff in her bag, then straps in next to Cassian. “Stop taking your oxygen off to talk!” She yells at him. “We’ll talk soon ok.” She grabs his hand and holds on tight. 

He closes his eyes and doesn't wake until they’re in hyperspace. 

. . . 

Cassian’s been moved to a bed and his mask is off. He’s breathing normally again. He looks around and that’s when he sees Han. Han is unconscious and attached to machines and covered in tubes and netting. What the hell happened to him? Cassian sits up. 

Rex comes over and sits next to him. “You ok?”

“Yeah, what happened?”

“He took a shot that would have hit Jyn.”

“Why was she sent where she could be shot at?”

“She wasn't, well not really. It didn't have to do with Imperial stuff. We were picking out forgery equipment for scan docs. Jyn’s the expert with all that stuff. It went fine, then we were eating lunch and about to leave when some guys started fighting nearby. They pulled blasters, a shot went wild, that’s when Han jumped in front of Jyn. He's stable. I know it doesn't look good, but he’ll be fine. We were closest when your call came in, mainly because stabilizing him pushed us behind schedule.”

“Thank you for saving me . . I’m sorry about Han.” He looks around more. “Where’s Jyn?”

“Ah, before you go see her, let’s talk about her back. Do you know what kind of scars those are?”

“I thought I did, but the way you just asked me, maybe I don’t. I saw them before, but we didn’t get to talk about them.” We talked about a lot of other things that night.

“Lectrorod scars. I have some from when I was captured by slavers for a couple weeks. The scars are permanent on humans if they aren't treated within 4 days. You can skip the part of the conversation where you ask about fixing them. Was she in a labor camp or something?”

Cassian nods yes. “For 6 months.”

Rex flinches. “That’s awful. She’s such a tiny little thing. She’s a tough little monster though. Go, she’s in the cockpit. I’m glad we got you out of there Cassian.”

Chewie is flying, and Jyn is asleep with her head on the console. Chewie sees Cassian and hits the console right next to Jyn’s head. 

Her head flies up, she’s totally alert.

“No, sorry,” Kriff Chewie, “you can sleep more.” Says Cassian.

“Thanks Chewie.” She says, then addresses Cassian. “It’s fine. I asked him to wake me when you woke up. How are you?” 

“Hrrrangh!”

“Yeah, go see Han, I’ll watch the console.” She tells the Wookiee.

“Me? How are you?” Asks Cassian.

“I'm fine.” She says in a flat tone. “I want to know how you are first. What happened?” Then in a lower tone adds, “I didn't know that’s how he would wake me up.”

He laughs a little. “We’ll have to remember for the future, don’t have Chewie be the alarm clock. I got some intel about that factory. I went in to copy some of the drives, but they must have been tipped off or someone saw me. How are the babies?”

Changing the subject again, but she can't be mad about this question. “They’re doing well.”

“Han, he saved you?”

She nods and tears up a little, he hugs her. They sit together. After catching up, and talking to the babies, he asks about her back.

“Ummm, so, when your coat was on fire, and you took it off.” She looks away. He’d seen them once before, but her tank top had been higher so he hadn’t seen as many of them, and there were more important things to talk about that night. “The scars, you don't have to hide them from me, I won't bother you about them. I thought it might be why you cover up, and like now, it’s warm and maybe, it’s too hot sometimes for that?” She looks at him again, and it's a shrewd look but Cassian sees there’s some surprise in it too. This isn't where she thought the conversation was headed.

“I’ll, I’ll keep that in mind, thanks. Do you have any?”

“No.” 

“Yeah, not many people I've met outside of prison labor camps do. They don’t leave those scars on “important” prisoners. My coat got singed and messed up too. I gotta find a sewing kit when I get back.”

“I have one here.”

“What, just in your pocket?”

“Yes.” 

“That's a great thing to have in a pocket.” Jyn is staring at it and coveting it.

“You should have one in your pocket. I have another on base you can have.” 

She smiles, “I’d like that.”

“Can I have your coat?” She shrugs it off. He focuses hard on the job because otherwise his focus will be on how much he wants to kiss her shoulders, and neck, and face, and lips. If he kisses her, she might get mad and leave and it's so perfect sitting here with her and the babies, he won't risk disrupting it.

She's glad he looks better than when she found him and is trying to focus on how nice it is being close to him and not how she wants to kiss him hard and and put her hands all over him. She doesn't want him to leave.

He asks, “Where did the mining droid go?”

“Oh, she wanted to free the other droids and then build a fort with them.”

“How will she free them exactly?”

“I connected a preprogrammed box of universal code to her to program her fast. It meant we could understand each other fast. It’s not an elegant way to program, it mainly opens some code so the droid can think easier if it’s new or wiped often and gives a lot of built up memories from other droids, those are like adding classes. I don’t recommend it if there’s time to program it properly, but in a pinch it’s a good option. She asked me for the box so she could use on the other droids. I said ok, but drop it in the lava after using it, I’d rather it not be found.

“Wait, what happens if it’s found? Can it be traced?”

“No, I just don’t want that knowledge spread around past the droids themselves.”

“How will her reprogramming of her friend’s go?”

“I don’t know. I’m hoping for mayhem.” Jus thinking about it brings a wide smile to her face.

. . . 

They call ahead and take Han to Hoth. Medical meets them by the ramp of the Falcon.

It was not communicated that he was unconscious. Leia and Luke were waiting to stay with him, thinking they would help keep his spirits up while he recovered. Instead, Leia and Luke stay by his bedside along with Chewie for the next two days waiting for him to regain consciousness. 

. . . 

It takes some time for Cassian to see the pattern. He and Jyn have a nice time doing something, well really anything together. He feels really close to her, then she pulls back and away. It’s like she wants to be with him and be more than friends and then she wants to be just friends. He can even identify when it’s about happen just by the look on her face. He doesn’t know why it keeps happening or what to do, other than to be patient. At some point, he has realized they’re both crazy about each other. It still keeps happening.

. . .

Baze, Churrit, and Bohdi see Jyn and Cassian circling each other and not quite telling each other how they really feel in words. Cassian had come close to asking her out. They see that it’s clear that sometimes she wants to ask him out, even when she projects that she wants to stay just friends. They see Cassian is patient but also frustrated. Jyn is trying to pretend everything is fine. Baze and and Churrit are not worried.

It is driving Bohdi crazy. 

. . .

“Jyn?” Cassian says, he just opened the door after he heard some quiet knocking. It’s 2 AM and there’s a thunderstorm and a soaked through Jyn outside the door. 

“Can I come in?”

“Yeah, come on.” He moves and waves her in. “What’s up?”

“I’m, it’s,” then she shudders. 

He gets it. He said don’t be alone when this happens, so here she is not being alone. He doesn’t say a word. She’s soaked through most of her clothes. He and her take off her boots, socks, coat, soaked outer shirt, and pants while she stays fairly still, she looks tightly wound but also kind of out if it. He helps her into a pair of his sweatpants and socks. He grabs a towel for her hair because it’s still dripping. When it’s no longer dripping, he gets her a warm long sleeve shirt.

She’s completely tense and ready explode. He finally asks, “Do you want to sit or lay down?”

She stares, it’s an almost blank look. She’s trying with all her might not to freak out and scream, rage, scratch, throw, or break anything she can get her hands on. She would probably break all of Cassian’s stuff if she starts to break things. She wonders how much of this he can read on her face. She thinks she’s broken and weak because this is happening again. This can’t be good for survival can it? She wonders. 

Cassian’s not sure it’s happening enough, and it never makes him see her as weak. “Jyn? You wanna break something or scream?” 

She snaps out of the blank look and hugs him tight. She buries her face in his neck and shirt. He wraps his arms around her tight. She cries and shakes, and she doesn’t let go. Neither does he. Being in a tight but comfortable hold is what helps and what she wants now.

The next morning, with Cassian’s arms around her while they sleep, she doesn’t wake up with her small silent jolt. She wakes up slowly instead. “Thank you Cassian.” 

. . . 

“He really doesn’t sound like a good husband.” Churrit says to the Imperial officer’s wife. She looks like a little delicate thing, but he can tell that while she may be fragile in some ways, she is tough as nails in others. He can also tell she has bruises from her perpetually frustrated husband. He clearly takes most of his frustrations out on this woman, especially a lot of work related frustrations.

“He, he, he provides, and he puts up with a lot. I’m difficult sometimes,” Chirrut doesn’t believe she is, “his work is stressful and important too.”

Churrit decides to take a chance. He sends the code number to Jyn so she’ll know he is changing the plan. “None of that means he’s allowed to beat you.” The woman stares.

“How did, what, he,”

“I’m a Force wielder, and I was sent to make friends with you and to get secrets from you, but your husband beats you, and I think it’s time to get you out of this life instead. We’ll get the intel some other way. Come with me. I can’t promise it will be easy, but I can promise no one will beat you.”

She’s wide eyed and still as a statue. Eventually she speaks. “Who do you work for? Why should I trust you?” 

“I’m sure you already figured out the first answer. The second, you’ve been hurt often, it would be impossible for me to truly prove you can trust me. It’s my words and deeds over time that make me trustworthy, but since you just met me, how would you know? I could be lying. You’ve been lied to a lot, you’ll have to decide if you can trust me. You have to decide to take this chance.”

“Should I still go get secrets first?”

“No, you need to come with me now. I’m not worried about the secrets, I’m worried about you. You are a strong woman, but you’ve had a boot on your neck for too long.”

She puts her head in her hands, there are a lot of silent tears. She’s learned to keep them silent. “There’s always a price.” She tries to say it in a firm voice, but it sounds like a question and a plea. Will he really let her come along?

“I think you’ve paid too much already. It’s not supposed to be that way. Come with me.” And he gets up and puts out a hand for her to follow. She doesn’t get up. He stays and waits. She finally takes his hand.

“Where’s Baze?” Asks Churrit when he brings her to Jyn on their ship. 

“I think he found a certain officer who needed to know what getting the shit kicked out of him feels like.”

“Oh.” Says the little lady. “Wait, I have a Rhodian maid, I can’t leave her behind!” 

“How do we get her?” Asks Jyn. 

“Old tunnels.” She answers. It’s an old city built on another old city. They find a way in to the woman’s house in under an hour. 

Jyn is sent in to talk to her. The look on the Rhodian‘s face shows Jyn she was not given all the relevant information. “You’re more indentured servant than maid aren’t you.” Jyn says carefully. 

“Yes.” And the Rhodian looks down and away.

“I can drop you off somewhere else, different than you mistress, you can’t stay here, but you don’t have to stay with either one of your masters either.” The Rhodian looks at Jyn and doesn’t look away this time. 

“He’s the master, I’m indentured to him. It’s more like he owns both of us.” This fucking guy Jyn thinks to herself. Then the Rhodian quietly asks, “You’re rebellion?”

“Yeah.” Jyn’s not comfortable passing that information on when it’s just her and the Rhodian, but what choice does she have. “What’s your name?” 

“Pipeesh.” Then she gets excited. “Let’s take my master’s hard drive first. I’ll come with you. I don’t know where else to go.”

“Can I copy it and we leave it?” 

“What will you copy it on to?” 

Jyn holds up data sticks. They copy it quick, but then they hear the master coming through the front door and slamming it shut. “Ellah!” He tells for his wife.

The Rhodian grabs Jyn’s hand and starts to run. Jyn can’t go that fast, and she can hear the husband’s footsteps getting closer. “Take the tunnels. Now run, go.” She tells the Rhodian and pulls her hand away. Pipeesh hears him and runs. Jyn goes as fast as she can but he’s gone through much of the house and is close. She ducks into a room and hopes for a window. She only has time to hide behind a chair before he throws the door open. 

Shit. He’ll find me soon. She starts to plan how to take him out with her crutch and knives. Then the front doorbell rings. He yells for someone to answer the fucking door. No one does and it keeps ringing, and ringing. He leaves slamming the door behind him.

Jyn breathes out. Someone taps the window. It’s Baze! She opens it. “Thank you, thank you!” She says, so relieved.

“Later!” He whispers, and he helps her out then puts her on his back and runs them into the tunnels and back to the ship. “You’re droids saved you. Vie and Klept monitored your every move. Vie’s at the front door.” 

Klept is rolling along next to them. “Thank you Klept.” She says to the little climbing mouse droid. He’s uncontrollable on base but very protective of her in the field. 

“Threeepp Breeshe.” Klept says proudly.

“Thanks for beating that asshole up Baze.” Says Jyn.

“my pleasure.” He replies.

Ellah and Pipeesh have been through a lot together, and Ella’s has been beaten in Pipeesh’s presence. They both decide to join the rebellion. They work on decoding intel on Takadona, and Pipeesh also works on Alliance and Rhodian relations.


	14. Stubborn old thoughts

“Jyn, I think Chopper is in love with you.” Bohdi states. He is tuning up an X-Wing and she is working on her latest rebuilt hover droids housing. 

“I think you might be right, but Hera is still forever his favorite. He’s decided they're married.” 

“Really? What does he think about her and Kanan.” 

“From what Chopper says, I get the feeling he thinks Hera and Kanan’s thing isn't as deep as his and Hera’s thing. I haven't figure out if he thinks Kanan’s a phase or another lesser spouse.” She smiles. “Kanan and Hera look solid to me though.”

“What about you and Cassian?” 

“What d’ya mean?” Jyn replies and continues to look pointedly at the droid in her hand.

“I’m the pilot.” He takes a breath. “You’re close to each other, but different close than you and me. Are you ‘with’ Cassian?”

“We’re friends.”

“But it seems like you want to be more than friends.”

“Yeah, but that’s” wrong, “irresponsible. He’s wonderful, he’s steady, and he's very strong. He’s done big things, hard things for the greater good. But me, I’m changing, and I'll keep changing. I’m impulsive and” I’m much weaker than I should be, “I’m volatile. He deserves strong. I'm having two kids too. It feels like I'd have trapped him. He deserves new or settled or,”

“Or not ruined.” Bohdi interrupts. “It is what you think deep down isn't it?” 

She gives him a hard look. How dare he get so close.

He felt he had to point it out. He’s right too, she does feel that way. She's ruined. She was ruined before Wobani. She isn’t handling things like she used to so now she sees herself as weak. She isn’t able to just put memories away anymore. They come back sometimes and her reactions feel scary and out of control. She isn't going to admit that Bohdi’s right, that she does feel ruined. She doesn't think her reply through, “Not, not ruined, just used up and wrong.”

Now Bohdi’s eyes are wide and his jaw drops open. “That’s the same thing! Jyn, have you told him that's how you feel about yourself, why you keep the two of you as just friends?”

“No.”

“You should because you might lose him if you don't.”

“What?”

“To someone else, or if doesn't make it back from a mission, he’ll never know. You’re both crazy about each other, you both deserve to be part of that conversation you keep having only in your head. Say what you just said to me to him so you’re not making unilateral decisions about the two of you. At least sort it together.”

That came up before. Cassian had actually asked her nicely not to make big decisions for him without talking to him. Part of her mind screams that this is different. “He deserves better!”

“How do you know what he deserves? You can’t make those kinds of decisions for other people! Just talk to him! You don’t owe it to him to go out with him or anyone else, but you should at least talk about it together. No more unilateral decisions.”

“You don't know! He’s good and whole and I’m broken, I’m failed, I’m weak, and I don't know how to how to explain why we can’t be together in that way. If he doesn't know, it's better.”

“Jyn, you’re dicking him around when you act on these unspoken assumptions in your head.”

Shit, she didn’t want to dick him or anyone else around. It all feels too big and scary. “He shouldn’t love me, no one should! I am broken! How can I tell him that?!?”

“You don’t need to worry about that anymore because you already have,” Bohdi says. He doesn’t look angry anymore, he just looks incredibly sad. Bohdi looks past her. 

Before she can turn to see who he is looking at, Melshi yells, “Cass! NOW!” from across the hangar. She turns, and he’s a few feet behind her. His eyes are wide, he can’t think. 

“Mmmhh,” she takes in a sharp shaky breath and claps a hand over her mouth. It's such a jarring moment and a terrifying surprise, she has no control over her reaction. She would have fallen down if she wasn't already seated.

Cassian’s mind starts again and he feels a angry, sad, and shocked all at once and he tries to keep the emotions off his face. It’s not working. How is this still the issue they come back to after all they’ve been through, after all they’ve talked about? She thinks she doesn’t deserve love at all? He knows she isn’t talking specifically about romantic love either, and that’s even scarier.

He takes in the look on her face and she’s terrified. He didn’t know she considered herself unlovable still and he won’t be able to talk through it today. He just doesn’t want her to run away before he gets back, before they can talk. He won’t leave the woman he loves, the woman who spent her last moments comforting and protecting him, the woman who talked about socks when she wanted to ask if she had a bunk, he won’t leave her terrified.

“Cass!!” Yells Melshi.

He walks over to her quickly and puts one hand on her shoulder. He gently pulls her kyber crystal string with his other hand, then places the crystal in his and her hands. “Jyn, you don't need to be afraid. We’re toilet level friends, remember? We can talk when I get back, please don’t be afraid.” he’s pleading with his eyes. Then he takes his hand off her shoulder and cups her jaw and ear so tenderly. He moves closer to whisper in her left ear because this has to be just for them. “On Scarif, you said you love me. I know it was pure and love without requirements. I love you Jyn, I love you like that, no requirements. Please wait for me.” He looks from green eye to cybernetic purple eye and back again. He needs to see something. Please at a least let me know you believe me. 

“Ok.” She replies softly. It’s enough, he sees she knows that he believes what he said. Tears are already leaving trails down her cheeks. He gives her hand with the crystal in it a small squeeze, then kisses her forehead before he runs off to an increasingly impatient Melshi, and a ship about to take off.

Jyn is still for awhile. She finally asks Bohdi quietly, “Did you do that on purpose?” 

“No, not really.” Bohdi looks like he might throw up. “It wasn’t planned. He came up when I asked how you felt about him, I just didn't stop the conversation. I’m so sorry.” And he wants to run away. When she said he can’t love me no one can, he realized he’d pushed through to something he didn’t know was there, and he regretted it immediately. “Jyn, if you’re broken and can’t be loved, then I am too. You’re stronger than me.” And he leaves quickly before she can answer because he can’t take anymore today.

. . . 

“Jyn, play Stoven’s Cardoness with me.” Jyn looks up to see Bohdi visiting her. Cassian left two days ago.

“Why?”

“Because I asked you to, and it would be fun.”

“I’m not really in the mood for fun.” I’m depressed and I miss Cassian, who I’m in love with but can’t be with, shouldn’t be with. I’m broken.

“Then you can yell at me instead?”

“I don’t want to yell at you.”

“What happened?” 

“What do you, never mind actually, I’m not even going to pretend I’m acting normal.”

“Stoven’s Cardoness and talking it is then.”

“I don’t want to talk.” 

“Fine, game time.”

She gives him a tired look. There’s a lot of sorrow behind her eyes. “I have programming to do, but I’m not getting much done today anyway, let’s play.” They play for awhile. 

Jyn’s complaining. “No, you can’t win again! I’m usually better at this.” She sounds whiny even to herself. 

“I agree, what’s wrong with you?” Bohdi asks, and she gets a little flustered. He’s joking, but he’s also pushing.

“Nothing! Everything.” She throws the game pieces on the ground then slams her hands down. “How do you get me to tell you things Bohdi?!? I don’t understand!”

“I don’t know! Why do you think no one can love you, why no one should love you? Seriously, what the hell?”

“I’m broken.”

“If you’re broken, then so am I. I’m more broken than you so no one can love me.”

“NO! No! It’s not like that, you’re not broken, you’ve gotten stronger.”

“Actually, I haven’t. I know for a fact I haven’t. I was lucky to come away from Bor Gullet alive and mostly sane. I did find out more recently though, what that creature did to me has cut my life expectancy by half. I have a lot to give, but I am also broken and weak and used up.”

“No!” Says Tevlo, she was looking for Jyn and heard what Bohdi said. “No, you’re not broken.” There are tears in her eyes.

Jyn loses it. It’s overwhelming, and she just drops her head into her hands and openly sobs. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Bohdi.” 

“Jyn?” He puts his arm around her.

“Oh god I should be comforting you.” She sobs much louder now.

“Tell me what the voices in your mind are saying, and I mean exactly what they are saying.”

“I don’t want to.” How is he calm? He just told me his awful news and I’m a ridiculous mess and he’s comforting me.

“Do it anyway. It can’t be worse than going through life thinking no one should love you.”

Her head is still in her hands and the sobs are big. “Fine, they say you’re broken Jyn. You have these panic attacks and you’re weak now. It didn’t happen before, and now you have no control. You’re broken, you’re a broken thing. And you’re not comforting Bohdi, you’re crying like a wounded animal!” There’s rage in that last accusation at herself.

“You comfort me all the time you grumpy Wampa! Lemme comfort you this time.” He puts an arm around her and rubs her arm. Tevlo sits on her other side, and puts her head on Jyn’s shoulder. They wait until Jyn cries herself out before talking again. 

“Jyn,” Says Tevlo gently, “A lot of what you say in your head doesn’t exactly make sense.”

“What?”

“When saved me and Kells. You were brave and scary deadly. You killed that big stormtrooper who strangled you. You can do that and have panic attacks. They don’t cancel each other out, it doesn’t mean you’re weak.”

“It still feels wrong. I don’t know how, how to, it’s out of control.” 

Tevlo puts it together. “Feels wrong, feels wrong isn’t the same as is wrong. I think it’s just really new to you. Do you know how many things I don’t know? So, so, so many things. You can fill planets with what I don’t know. I can fill planets with what you don’t know. I think this is just some of the stuff you don’t know.”

“That, that, that makes sense, I guess. I still don’t understand why it’s happening.”

Bohdi answers. “I think you actually have time to deal with the past now. You have food, medical care, a safe place to sleep, and people you feel safe around. 

“I know it seems like we’ve all been through a lot, but truthfully, you’ve been through much worse than Cassian, Baze, Churrit, and I. I lived where Saw operated. I honestly have no idea how he would raise a child. That had to be scary. From what I can tell, you were starving, often. Most of us can’t relate to that, not really.”

“I can.” Adds Tevlo.

“True” Bohdi agrees. “On the way to Scarif, you fell asleep on Baze. Stordan asked how you were able to sleep, because honestly the rest of us couldn’t. Churrit said it was the safest you felt falling asleep in years. What does that do to a person? We may not have all felt safe, but we were usually safer than that. You were in a notorious Imperial labor camp. The only thing that would have made it a worse imprisonment is if you were under active interrogation.

“Tevlo’s right, you’re allowed to panic and it doesn’t make you any more or any less awesome.”

Tevlo adds, “Now repeat, it back.”

“What?” Asks Jyn.

Tevlo explains, “Repeat, ‘I’m allowed to panic and it doesn’t make me any more or any less awesome.’”

Jyn just looks at her. I’m an adult, and not a parrot, repeat? She doesn’t know what to say to all this.

Tevlo stares back, and gives her a very good, you’d better behave young lady look. “Re - peat.”

“I’m allowed to panic and it doesn’t make me any more or any less awesome.” Jyn says in a spent voice. 

“And you say it to yourself when your mind tells you otherwise. And like Tevlo said, you don’t know everything.” Adds Bohdi.

“Bohdi, when did you find out about, about what Bor Gullet did?”

“One of the med droids noticed something was off on my brain scan when we got back from Scarif. It had me come back again and again so it could map the changes in my brain. After enough readings, it diagnosed me two weeks ago.

“It’s not a death sentence, I still have a lot of life left. It just made me think, like don’t waste time. And you, don’t let that voice in your head that says you can’t be loved go unchallenged, ok?”

“Ok. Thank you, both of you.”

“Can we play the game that’s all over the floor?” Asks Tevlo. “What is it?”

“Stoven’s Cardoness! Let’s play.” Answers Bohdi.

. . .

Cassian should have returned 4 days ago. The Alliance communication channels are currently on silent mode due to two large battles, one over Maridun and one over Utapau. It's been 3.5 weeks that he's been gone, and Jyn misses him a lot. Bohdi and Tevlo were right, and she wishes she talked with him before he left.

Most of the little satellite base is empty due to the two battles. One Kaytoo is at each one to give strategy advice. Jyn, Tevlo, Pipeesh, Silva the Zilkin, and Chopper are the only ones on the Takadona base. Chopper needed repairing which Jyn recently finished, and they didn’t want to take a pregnant woman with walking difficulties to a large air battle. 

The young pilot, Ally, who was supposed to bring Cassian back returns without him.

“He didn't make pickup,” she explains. “I waited for a couple days, and looked for information. I think he may have been part of a big group that was rounded up for a labor camp. I couldn't call it in.” 

“Shit. I know, we’re silent still. And everyone is busy.” Jyn says, mainly to herself. “What identity was he using?”

“Tarran Japth.”

“Thanks, go eat and rest honey, you look exhausted. I'll come find you if I have more questions.” She's a really young pilot thinks Jyn. 

She watches her walk away, then turns to her perpetually grumpy orange friend. “Chopper, can you, oh! You already are,” says Jyn with a smile. She was about to ask him to tap into the Imperial transfer data systems, but he’d already started to. A recent prison slave labor delivery is only accessible on the networks for 12 days. Chopper finds “Tarran” thankfully. Cassian’s covert identity is intact. They're lucky to find him at all, it is the 12th day.

Jyn shudders. He's in a labor camp, on Wobani.

Jyn’s mind is on overdrive and all over the place. She wishes the base wasn't so empty. She’ll have to do this herself. She knows her prison and Wobani better than she wishes she did, but it will help her now. She starts to form a plan.

“Can you fly us there using that old freighter?” Jyn asks pointing to a usable freighter she's been working on and using as a workshop. It has no weapons, but it does have a rudimentary cloaking.

“Whick wucca wucca bruck brucca grug blunk.” 

“I know it's not a fighting ship. I don't want to fly a fighter there. I want to fly in quiet in a freighter that looks like it might just be a delivery freighter, and then,” she drops her voice to a whisper, “We release the swarm.” 

“Ooohhh - creee,” replies an awed Chopper.

. . . 

Cassian is still Tarran thankfully, so he isn't being tortured and interrogated. Tarran is currently underfed and exhausted. He has none of his tools or weapons. If he passes out while working, he’ll be beaten. How did Jyn manage this place? She was underfed before she was sent to Wobani. Does anyone even know he’s been taken?

It's a farm labor camp, but it's farming in a place where things don't grow easily. It takes an enormous amount of intense labor to keep food growing.

He’s given a small ration which tastes like dirt. He and everyone else eats their ration quickly because they’ll be cuffed and put on a transport in 4 minutes, and you don't get to keep the rest of the ration you haven’t finished. 

Back on the transport, everyone looks dejected. An old man near him and a young woman across from him are crying silently. The guard is ignoring them rather than hitting them, which is better than usual from Cassian’s observations. The Imperial troopers who guard the prisoners are all reassigned troopers from somewhere else. It’s a punishment assignment.

Hope comes to Wobani to die.

He also now knows exactly why Jyn almost always wakes with a small silent jolt. You don't wake up screaming, making noise, or even thrashing on Wobani without consequences “for waking the labor force,” so you train yourself to not make a sound when you sleep or wake when you have nightmares. Apparently Jyn has been having near constant nightmares for as long as he’s known her, she just never said anything about it. 

He’s wondering more everyday if he’s going to survive this. He feels hopeless and despondent and it's only been 12 days. Jyn was here 6 months. 6 months! And she was raped here by three people and she said it happened a few times! 

And he didn't get to talk to her about why her thinking she's too “used up” is totally ridiculous. He didn't get to talk to her about why she isn't broken. He didn’t get to talk to her about why she still thinks she can’t be loved. He didn't get to talk to her about how in love he is with her. He still hasn't figured out how to get back to her. A tear track appears on his face.


	15. Swarm

Jyn and Chopper fly in cloaked and land to the east of the camp at 0130 hours. The eastern corner is the quietest and barely guarded. The back eastern corner is also where the computers are. Where they land, it’s still a 20 minute walk for Jyn to the maintenance tunnels. Chopper helps Jyn get to a maintenance tunnel, and they along with Vie and Lady enter.

They discussed it ahead of time, so they don't talk. The automated computers require very little staff. The droids are hard to see in the dark and take the lead. They only see two guards. Jyn sends an emergency code to the guards Comms. They run off to the non-existent emergency.

Chopper’s job is to find where Cassian will be on the transports tomorrow, and also to upload the automated delivery orders they prepared ahead of time. He connects to the back of the computer banks. Jyn's job is to install a short range transmitter so she can wirelessly connect to the system from their ship as needed. These computers are mostly on a closed intranet. Thankfully the transmitter is small and she installs it into the back of the computer banks.

They’re back on the ship by 0345. Jyn runs to the loo.

“Wucca bucka whip whap.” 

“I know it's ridiculous to wee this often. I don't like it either! I’m going to set up the rest of the droids and we'll go over the freighters again after I go.”

When she gets back, Chopper asks, “Whhha ooouu brick brucka?” 

“It will work best at the end of the day tomorrow. The ships will be able to leave under cover of night.”

“Buck buck rup rup whhoooo woo?”

“Yeah, it happened here. I don't want to talk about it. I just want to take this place down.”

“Whippa whuppa.” 

“Yes, and get Cassian back.”

She sleeps for a few hours after the droids and freighters are set. Phase two begins at dusk.

. . . 

Cassian is back on a transport to his cell. It was an excruciating mind numbing day. It's the 13th day, and he knows there's no more trace of where he’s been taken on the Imperial communication channels. He’a so exhausted, he almost misses it when numbers flash on the transport ID screen. It happens twice. They’re his numbers! One of his obscure rebel identifiers, and coordinates? Well, directions, kind of? A general direction maybe. East?

Three minutes later, his transport stops dead like the power was cut. The cuffs all automatically unlock. The doors unlock on their own too. He hears strange things from outside.

“Hey, what the” THWACK! Thud.

“5517, I can't radio, can,” BBBZZZTT! Thud. 

Cassian decides to see what's happening. He had wanted to listen longer first just in case, but he can't contain his curiosity after hearing what must be guards falling down.

Outside, all hell has broken loose.

“Aaahhh, what are these?!?” Guard 42755 runs by followed by a persistent little hover droid. 

Jyn.

He couldn't stop smiling now if his life depended on it.

It's mayhem! There are guards down all over the place. Every transport appears to be dead with open doors, and prisoners are cautiously leaving them. The little droids are EVERYWHERE!! Some are chasing guards and shooting tranquilizer darts at them and others are hitting them with electric shocks. A lot of droids appear to be giving directions to prisoners.

“Off world automated freighters to west of camp in hangar 7. Freighters are preprogrammed. They will take you to non-imperial planets. Food in freighters. Help each other. There are enough freighters for all of you. You have 2 hours until explodey-time.” The droids play the mechanical voice recording over and over.

“Is this for real?”

“Is it a trap?”

“Who cares, we won’t last long here anyway.”

Some droids are straight up breaking shit! They're tearing wires out of machines, smashing cameras, smashing other things, and he realizes, placing explosives for “explodey-time.” 

Cassian is about to go with the prisoners to the waiting freighters when a very small droid hovers near him and taps his hand. It’s Vie. She snakes a tiny ear sized speaker toward him. “Tarran, it’s J. I'm by the eastern corner with transport. If it’s safer to take a freighter to the outer rim with others, do that. I'll come find you.”

“Can I follow you to her?” He asks Vie quietly. 

“Trrreeep chirp!”

That sounds yes like to him. It's dark enough that he feels hidden as he follows. There is a droid that appears to be whistling a VERY LOUD song as it flies around as fast as it can all around the prisoners. Another two appear to be dancing and twirling. The whistling, dancing, direction giving, guard subduing, and smashing droids along with his very small hover droid friend set loose on the camp might be the best thing he's ever seen.

When he is nearing the camp wall, Vie shoots something small at it, and the wall is broken open with a surprisingly large explosion. When it clears, he follows his tiny terrifying friend through. After 15 minutes, he sees a little derelict freighter ship. It’s not a derelict ship. The door is open. He can see them through the doorway. He sees Jyn with large modified head set on, Chopper, a lot of screens, and a lot of buttons. Jyn is talking and typing a lot. Chopper is calculating, making a lot of noise, and a lot of gesticulations. 

“Jyn,” Cassian says quietly.

“Cassian!” She turns to stand and go towards him, and promptly falls down! 

“Jyn!” He's at her side to help her up, but she grabs him and pulls him down to her and hugs him tight instead. 

“You’re alive!! You’re here!!” She gasps and sobs a little.

“BRRUUUCKA!”

“Oh gods, sorry Chopper, Cassian, sit here, here's some food.” And she straightens her head set out and is back to talking to the hover droids and to Chopper. Cassian stays on the ground near her chair watching. 

“Chopper, are the freighters set?” 

“Bbbrrup.”

“Psycho Weavers, are the prisoners off the grounds?” She listens in her head set, then squeaks and jumps a little when a droid flies straight into a camera making it appear it will slam through the screen and run into them. “Don't do that Gus!! Ok, Wave 1, you are go!” Freighters take off on one screen, a lot of droids rush away on another. They are taking different routes back to their little ship. When they return, they snap themselves into honeycomb shelves on the sides of the room and deactivate.

“Wave 2, you are go!” More of them leave and a few more freighters take off. “Dreadnaughts, final checks and final instructions!” She turns to him “Cassian, eat, the food is right here!” And she points to it.

“Oh! Sorry! I can't stop watching!” 

“Scramble Wave 3! Release the Rancors!” Jyn throws both arms up in the air.

BOOM 

BOOM

Explosions. More cameras start to go out making some of the screens go black.

“Checking in Wave 4, complete?” She listens through the headphones. 

He’d seen her work on these little droids, and he knew she did very cool things with them, but he had no idea she had so many and could do something like this. 

Many of the honeycombs are full, but three droids are hovering and not going in. Vie keeps picking up food trying to put it directly into Cassian’s mouth, and at least one time, into his ear. One keeps watching droids return, hanging out by the door waving to them all as they return. Another appears to be arguing with a deactivated droid who is already in a honeycomb.

“All remaining psychos back to the hive!” She yells, then turns to him and says, “You need to belt in quick.” He scrambles to a chair on the wall and straps in. 

“Jyn, you can fly this?” Cassian asks.

“Not really, but Chopper can.” She smiles at Chopper.

The back hatch is partly closed, and the last 5 psychos enter. The hatch closes. “Chopper, let me see it,” she says. The ship turns as it rises and she can see the prison through the transparisteel. “Bye!” She waves, the pushes some buttons on her keyboards. Explosions ring out destroying the walls and, tech, the transports, the rest of the prison camp. It's just rubble and unconscious guards now.

“You stop that right now 8!” She yells sternly at the droid who is still arguing with a deactivated droid. It looks at her, and 8 just might go back to arguing. The look Jyn gives the droid ends the standoff. It decides to listen to her and stop arguing. 8 even looks dejected. “8, you can ride in that shelf next time we explode a prison camp.”

It perks up a little then hovers to its spot and deactivates. 

“Whoomp whooomp RRRUU!”

“Yes Sir,” Jyn tells Chopper and he hits the hyperdrive. 

. . . 

When they are safely in the hyper lane, Jyn unbuckles and goes to Cassian. He's just watching Vie with a glazed look. He doesn't realize Jyn’s gotten up until she’s there putting her hand on his shoulder. She puts her face close to his. Force he looks haunted and discombobulated. Did she look like this? No, she looked more like a caged animal she thinks. She viewed herself and her reasons for being imprisoned differently than he would view his now.

“Cassian?” Jyn asks. She’s looking him over, looking for injuries. 

He blinks then shakes his head a little, “Jyn!” he says and puts his hands on her face. “I, you, you’re real! This is real? You came for me! I want to tell you something, but I, but I don't remember all the things, umm,”

“Don’t worry about talking, it’s ok, you’re here, this is real.” She doesn't take his hands off her face even though it's weird to have hands all over her face. “I have a bed ready for you.” Jyn says in the soothing voice she uses when Bohdi’s memory is especially confused.

She can tell Cassian's been hit on the back with the Lectrorod. She's worried about the way he’s wheezing too. There are bruises she can see, and likely more she can't. “I've got some of your clothes for you too.”

The implications of what his clothes being here means brings his mind out of that fog, at least temporarily. She brought him clothes because she knew getting out of his prison clothes would be important and feel wonderful. He drops his hands down to his sides. “We didn't bring you clothes did we.” He doesn't ask it like a question because he already knows the Alliance didn't. He stares down at the floor, he can't meet her gaze. 

“Let’s not worry about that, I'm fine. Chopper, ummm,” she wants him to scan Cassian with his medical programming without Cassian knowing. She has one hand on her forearm crutch, and one guiding Cassian. “Chopper, borrowed program, taken, umm, use it?” And she points to Cassian behind him with her eye hoping he doesn't see.

“Whuppa whupp whupp ya-ooo.”

“Thank you.” She says to Chopper.

She helps him holding him up on one side. Chopper comes up on his other side and they ease him onto the bunk. His eyes feel heavy the moment he sits. When his mind decides he's safe, his mind also says, go the fuck to sleep. 

Jyn starts to gently if a bit unceremoniously strip his shirt off, “wait I can do it.” He starts to protest in a sleepy voice.

“I know you can, but I'll do it this time anyway.” She puts a canteen in his hand and opens it for him. He looks so dazed and sleepy. He drinks it all. It's some medical drink. She gets him to lay down. The last thing he remembers before he falls asleep is that she covered him with a blanket and is changing his underwear under it while determinedly looking up at the ceiling. He thinks she’s so sweet, she's preserving his modesty.

Chopper informs Jyn of the cracked rib. The rest of the injuries he tells her about, she had already figured out. “Thank you Chopper.” She smiles at her orange friend.

. . . 

He wakes in a small dark ship gliding through hyperspace.

He isn't sure if he is awake or asleep at first, is this real? Is he still on Wobani? The droids, Chopper, and Jyn? It seems so surreal now, did it happen at all?

He moves a little. His back has bacta patches on it and he's wearing a breathing mask. It must have some sort of airborne medication in it because he’s breathing better. 

He gets up quietly from the little bunk and takes the mask off then turns off the machine it’s attached to. He makes his way to the door. Chopper is charging, and Jyn is playing a game with Vie. They look so beautiful in the light of hyperspace. Jyn looks so beautiful. He has to check again. “You’re real, this is real?” 

“Hey,” she gets up carefully this time so as not to repeat her earlier fall, then comes over to him. He doesn't remember when grabbing her crutch to move became so second nature to her. It may as well be an extension of her left arm. The little droid moves the game pieces while Jyn isn't looking. “I’m real. I missed you.” The look in his eyes is of confusion and fear and Jyn realizes he's not trying to hide any of his emotions. It's so unlike him that this can't be good. She hides her fear and worry so she can appear reassuring.

He crosses the room to her quickly and hugs her. She's warm, she's real, they’re safe! He should always have her in his arms he thinks and she should always have him in hers she thinks.

“Cassian, there’s a fight over Maridun and one over Utapua, everyone who could go went. I was one of the only ones on base when Ally came back, came back, without you.” She pulls back to look at his face, as the words catch in her throat.

“I should have told you before you left, I should have told you ages ago,” she says. He’s worried now, he can’t think of what she might want to tell him. He's also feeling shaky. “Oh, geez, Cassian, let's sit you here.” She maneuvers him to the pilot’s seat. “I've got food for you too.” She gives him another canteen and a box with sandwiches and fruit. “There’s a sonic and I brought you a toothbrush too.”

“Thank you,” he says. She brought clothes, food, a bed, a toothbrush, a sonic, a rescue, and droids, droids, droids, she's the best woman ever. He takes a drink then says, “I’ll go to the sonic.”

“Ok.” It’s probably a good sign he wants to clean up she thinks.

When he gets back, cleaned up, changed again, and with clean teeth, she sits him down with food again. She thinks the look on his face is a little less haunted now. 

She saved him, and the others there too. Maybe that means she was worthy now. Maybe he can love her. Maybe Bohdi and Tevlo are right.

“Ok, I’m just gonna say it.” Jyn starts, “Bohdi was right.” Cassian puts it together, the conversation he overheard before he left. He’d forgotten on and off, his mind was still scattered. She continues, “I'm just going to say it. You probably already know, I love you. I love you, I'm in love with you. I'll always come for you. You were missing and I hadn't told you, and you have to hear it from me. I’m in love with you and whether you’re in love with me or love me like a friend, it’s fine, you’re wonderful. I love you no requirements just like you said. I was so scared I'd never see you, argh! I gotta go!”

She’s up and off to use the toilet in a hurry.

He stops eating. What did she just say? She definitely said out loud she's in love with me, no requirements. She didn't say she was used up, she said I love you, I'm in love with you. 

She's already talking to him the moment the bathroom door reopens. “And I know I'm complicated and I’m weak, so maybe it's a bad idea,” and that's as far as she gets before his food is down on the console and he’s crossed the room to get to her and to stop her from saying more of this nonsense by kissing her. He's already kissing her when she registers what happened and it feels amazing. She's kissing him back. It's frantic and frenetic and fantastic and like she'll never get enough. 

His hands are cupping her cheeks, touching her face, then in her hair, around her, at the back of her neck, running along her back, Force she feels amazing, and real, she’s real.

He pulls back a few times only to fit the words, “I’m” —- “in love”—- “with you”—“too.” She’s even dropped her crutch to put both hands all over his face, back, shoulders, and to run them through his hair. She knows about the rib so she's careful as well. If he reels back in pain, the kissing will stop. It can never stop! He growls and moans at the same time when she parts his lips gently with an exploring tongue. Then he registers a new feeling and pulls back. 

“Did they?”

She’s worried for half a second until she realizes why he pulled back. “Yeah, I can feel them move now.” She replies. “C’mere,” and she takes him back to the pilots seat and stands in front of him. She pulls her shirt up and places his hands on her belly, one on each side, one by each baby. 

“Oh god! I feel them!” He looks up at her with wide eyes and a huge smile. She has one hand on his hand and one carding through his hair. He looks deep into her green eye and her purple cybernetic one. 

“When could you feel them?”

“3 weeks ago. I know what they are now too.”

“Babies right?”

She laughs, “No! Loth Wolves! Yes, still babies. Two girl babies.”

He laughs too. “Oh god Jyn, two baby girls! Hello little ladies.” He says to them. Jyn’s heart might just explode.

Eventually she sits, he starts eating again, and they talk about the droids, the babies, the two battles, and do so in the glow of hyperspace.

Though they don't say it out loud, they both come to the conclusion that they want to spend the rest of their lives together. She thinks maybe she’s redeemed herself now, and can believe she’s worthy with or without panic attacks.

. . . 

When they return, the base is filled back up again. Thankfully the Rebellion lost no ground over Utapua and gained some over Maridun. They land quietly in the back of Jyn’s junkyard. Cassian and Jyn both head to the Medbay after her and Chopper make sure her ship is secure and locked. Chopper helps them get there, then leaves to look for Hera.

“Oh gods, I had no idea you were on Wobani!” Says Kes as he hugs Cassian and pulls back when there is a wince.

“I know, I'm lucky anyone did.” He replies quietly. 

A med droid attends to Jyn, and she doesn't complain about it for once (she prefers a non-droid be present with a droid when it comes to medical needs, unless it's Chopper), because she wants Kes to check Cassian. He has bruises everywhere, a cracked rib, some breathing problems but less than before, and some Lectrorod marks. She’s worried. He's been going from happy to lost looking and back again. She knows what Wobani is like, what it does to people.

When Jyn is in an examining room out of earshot, Cassian asks Kes, “Can I talk to you alone later?”

“Of course.” Kes replies quietly. He isn't sure, but he suspects that Cassian needs to discuss what he went through. Kes also notes Cass is acting different than he usually does when he returns from a mission, even when it’s a bad one. He's a lot more jumpy and he looks haunted.

“I want to talk somewhere else though. I just, I don’t know how she did 6 months there. It was only 13 days for me.”

Kes looks at his old friend for awhile. There’s not much to say to that. “Maybe she’s just built to handle things differently.” He pauses. “Cassian, these marks on your back, Lectrorod?”

“Yes, I know the ones older than 4 days old will scar.”

“Jyn told you?” 

“No, Rex did.”

“It's not too many.” Kes says putting Cassian's shirt back on. “Our friends are coming, I'm gonna check on Jyn.”

“We will always come with you on all missions.” Kaytoo B and Kaytoo C tell Cassian in unison. The Kaytoos, Bohdi, and Shara are his first visitors. 

“I was picked up in a work camp labor grab. It didn't have to do with the mission. It was just a terrible coincidence. I'm fine.” It's true except for the part about him being fine. He knows he was lucky he was rescued, not because people wouldn't go looking for him, because he was lucky there was still a trace of where he was taken.

“Well, we don't want that to happen again.”

“Me neither.” Replies Cassian.

“I should have been there. I’m the pilot.” Says Bohdi.

“It's ok, it's over. You weren't my pickup anyway. And I'm here!” Cassian says. He does not want to talk about the capture or his time there. It's time to change the subject. “Jyn and Chopper mounted a hell of a rescue, and that is what we should talk about.”

“Where is Jyn?” Asks Shara.

“Asleep,” says Kes. He'd gone to check on her and the med droid quickly when he saw people coming. He walks to Shara and gives her a quick kiss. Addressing only her he says, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

Kes addresses the group again. “She fell asleep about 10 minutes ago while the babies were being monitored. She's fine sleeping there with the med droid close by. We should go to dinner.” 

“I should stay here maybe,” Cassian starts to say but is cut off by Kes.

“No, you should come to dinner in a hover chair. Nurse Kes’ orders.”

“Fine, but I can walk.”

“I know you can, but you're going in a chair anyway.”

“I'll push the chair.” says Kaytoo C menacingly. There will be no arguments.

“Great,” says Kes, “let’s go!”

They meet up with the guardians who were coming to visit them, so they come along to the mess hall. 

“Captain,” Says Churrit, “I’m glad you’re back. I felt a wave of despair from you two days ago. I’m sorry I wasn’t in a position to come find you.” 

That was day thirteen. No wonder he felt him. “It’s ok, Jyn and Chopper rescued me, and all the other prisoners.”

“All of them?” Asks Baze, eyes widening.

The mess hall isn't huge, and it's half full. Everyone is talking to each other at first. Cassian starts telling them about the rescue and the mess gets quieter and quieter as more people listen in.

“Wait, let's get Chopper in here.” Kanan says. “He'll have pictures and video right?”

“I guess so,” Replies Cassian.

“Good, I want to hear it.” Kanan adds.

When Chopper arrives, he does have pictures and video. By now everyone in the mess is listening in and more people have come in just for this. “It was mayhem! Well, it was organized mayhem. There were reprogrammed automatic freighters waiting, with room for all the prisoners.” Says Cassian.

“Whhuuupa woo wooo ooo.”

“What did he say?” Asks Cassian.

“He says with food too.” Supplies Hera.

“Yeah, food too. Jyn brought me food too.” Cassian continues, “Room for all of them! And food! A lot of droids directed them, and a lot were flying all over a like crazy maniacs!”

Baze takes Churrit’s hand and something passes between them. They realize Cassian isn’t actually ok.

“Aaarrrooooh,” Chopper cuts in to show footage of the grounds of the labor camp, and night vision footage of him and Jyn connecting to the Wobani computers. He also shows her repeatedly reprimanding two of the droids in the freighter. 

Holo Jyn says, “You put that down right now!” Holovid switches, “No you will not broadcast the song you wrote over the prison system right now, you can do that later.” Switch, “Don't touch that!” Switch, “If you pinch him one more time, I will flush you down the loo!” “Beep beep creee whap.” “Yes I can absolutely flush you!” Switch, “NO!” She grabs one of them before it can start pressing buttons and wrestles it into its honeycomb to deactivate it. When she heads to her seat, the one it has been pinching reactivates it, and she screams up to the heavens in frustration. Switch. Jyn is asleep and the droids are pretending to drink caf from her cup. She wakes with a silent jolt and Cassian’s heart breaks a little.

Chopper switches back to video of the prisoners leaving.

Jyn arrives at the mess just when Chopper decides to show her throwing her hands in the air and yelling “Release the Rancor!” 

“JYN!” Exclaims a smiling Churrit, “join us! 

Jyn sees Cassian watching her. He has a huge smile and is looking at her like she hung the sun, moon, and stars.

“You could have keyed that in,” says Shara with a mischievous grin.

“I know, but it's more fun to yell stuff like that instead!” Says Jyn turning pink.

“Where did the freighters take them?” Asks Baze.

“Chopper had them go to a few different non-Imperial outer rim planets. Non-hostile ones. We may have left some equipment and cargo in the freighters for them to trade when they get where they’re going.”

After catching each other up while sitting next to Cassian and holding his hand, they find out how the battles over Utapua and Maridun went.

After today, a lot of Alliance members want to know more about Jyn’s hover droids and what they can do. Jyn has many more visits from Alliance leadership in her junkyard, often with Cassian, Tevlo, or Chopper by her side.

. . . 

“Do you have a lot of nightmares?” Cassian asks Jyn quietly. It’s after dinner and he is back in the Medbay. He is supposed to sleep there tonight and should be trying to now, but he doesn’t want to go to sleep. He wants to be awake with Jyn, and she’s currently sitting with him.

“What?”

“Nightmares. On Wobani, you get beaten if you make noise at night, you might wake the labor force. In a short time, everyone just wakes up with a silent little jolt. You do that almost every time I've seen you wake up.” 

She doesn't say anything for a bit. She just looks at him trying to figure out where the conversation will go.

“Please just tell me.” 

She thinks a little longer. “They're not all nightmares. Some are just startling dreams.” She answers in a matter of fact tone, hoping the conversation will end there. She realizes quickly it doesn’t matter. Being reminded of her nightmares also reminds her of why she’s still not good for Cassian. She’s broken now and can’t redeem herself. What was I thinking.

He sees the change on her face. No, no! Shit, she’s already pulling back again. It had gone so well on the ride back from the prison camp, and now she’s pulling away again. “Jyn, you can stay, we can talk.” And he’s reaching toward her and now she’s pulling back literally.

“I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Jyn, wait, please. Can we please talk?”

“I, umm, I’ll be back in the morning.” She won’t look at him, just keeps her eyes on the floor. 

“Please stay, Jyn, don’t leave.” 

She hears desperation in his pleas. She won’t look, it’s too much. “The morning, I’ll be back in the morning.” She leaves.

He puts his head in his hands. He doesn’t know what to do or say anymore. How is it happening again? There were sedatives in his last dose of medication, and now he can’t stay awake.

Baze and Churrit walk in. “She’ll be back.” Says Churrit as he takes Cassian’s hand.

”We’ll stay, you can sleep Cassian.” Baze adds quietly. Cassian’s asleep a minute later even as he tries so hard to stay awake. The guardians staying and holding his hands keep the nightmares away.

. . .

He wakes up at 0235 hours, the guardians are both asleep on his left side, and Baze holds his hand. Jyn is to his right. The guardians are asleep in chairs. His bed railing is down on both sides. Jyn is asleep partially on his bed and also on another hospital bed she pushed next to his. Is she real? He reaches over and touches her. She’s breathing, and warm, and solid.

“I’m real.” She says. Can she read minds? Her eyes open a little. “I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

“There’s a negative voice in my head that says I’m too weak, too broken to be any good for you. Bohdi and Tevlo told me it’s wrong. They said I can have panic attacks and still be no more or no less than whatever I am. They told me to tell that voice it’s wrong. I'm trying to remember to do that.”

Cassian stares for a bit. “I love you Jyn.” 

“I love you Cassian.”


	16. Kissing and darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to write smut in this chapter, and I'm not good at it. I “cut away.”

Cassian works with Jyn after he is discharged, and looks a little less haunted with time. Velma and Draven visit the base. Cassian, Jyn, Vie, Kaytoo C, Draven, Velma, and Chopper work on designing some hover droid related missions together.

Cassian walks Jyn to her room a few days later. It’s been a long day. 

“Umm, want to come in?” Jyn asks. “It's a little bigger than other rooms, for well reasons.” 

“Yeah.” They haven’t actually discussed what they’re comfortable doing when it comes to physical intimacy. They kissed on the freighter after his rescue, and a few times since. Draven walked in on them making out in her workshop yesterday. “What do you want to do?”

“I want to wee. I’ll be right back.” She keys them in. 

When she comes back out, he’s sitting on her bed. “The Physical Therapist droid showed me how to massage your right side to loosen it up a little. Can I do that?”

She smiles, and takes him in. He’s gorgeous and so sweet. She doesn’t answer, instead she walks over and kisses him softly. He wraps his arms around her and pulls her down gently onto his lap, sideways to accommodate her firm substantial stomach. If she wasn’t so pregnant, he’d have guided her to straddling him. She’s 5 and a half months along. She puts one hand under his chin and one around his neck to bring him in to a much deeper kiss. One of his hands holds her close and and the other roams up and down her side, her thigh, her back. Her hands are in his hair and on his chest. 

Force it feels good to be so close and to kiss him. She pulls back a little to start kissing just below his ear, then along his jawline. She nips at his outer ear. He takes control and moves one hand to cup the side of her face and under her ear, and pushes her head back so he can kiss down her neck. He hits a spot that tickles, that leaves her with goosebumps on half her body. He moves back up to kiss her lips, then he moans when he feels her tongue part his lips. 

“Jyn,” he says in a husky voice, pulling back. “I gotta take my sweatshirt off.” She nods and he does. She gets her lips back on him before it’s even all the way off. He has on a soft gray t-shirt underneath. He pulls back again. “Can I take off your sweatshirt?”

She thinks a moment. She’s quite warm, he’s seen her without it before, and she’s wearing something under it. “Yeah, k, yeah.” They work to get it off quickly and he kisses her before she can finish taking it off. She laughs, he’s so eager, and so is she. She has on a light blue camisole over a green bra. The camisole is not the most opaque garment. 

“Force you’re gorgeous.” He says breathlessly while diving back to capture her lips with his. 

“I love you,” She says breathlessly back. It feels amazing to be so desired by this gorgeous man she loves.

“I can’t feel my legs,” he says soon after. She snort-laughs and gets up. They maneuver her laying down on her left side and partially on her back with a pillow between her knees. He’s on his right side propped up on one elbow so his head is a little above hers. He has one leg draped over her calf. 

He pulls back and just looks into her eyes. “I love you.” It’s so open and sincere. He kisses her lips gently and softly. His fingers skirt the skin at the top of her camisole and she thrills a little at having him touch the tops of her breasts. He pulls back again. “I have a question.”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t need details or a history, but have you had any positive sexual experiences before?”

“What?”

“Was the labor camp your only experience, or were there better ones, before?”

Oh, he’s checking in. She’s not sure how she feels telling him this sort of thing yet. Should it really matter? Maybe it does. Cassian’s always supportive and she trusts him. “Hadder and I, we had sex a couple times. We were both inexperienced, so it was kinda fumbling around and all, but it was positive. Why do you want to know?”

“If you’ve had positive experiences, I thought it might help. I’m here to stay either way. If it had all been bad, I thought maybe, maybe we go extra slow, and maybe we could talk to Callice.”

“Oh.” He’s so thoughtful. She just doesn’t think about her past experiences if she can help it. “Hadder actually had a book about fucking from school. We didn’t know much, so we were still clumsy, but it helped.”

“What was in this book?”

“How not to get pregnant. How not to get and pass STIs. Where the erogenous zones are on a few different species. How sex works for a few different species. It wasn’t porn like, more like, this is your body! Here are the parts! Don’t catch anything! Sex often includes many emotions! Always ask first! You’re worth doesn’t change if you have a lot of sex or a little sex!”

“Wow, that’s a progressive school system.”

“It’s not normal? I didn’t go to a formal school, ever.”

“Well, the galaxy is pretty big so maybe it’s common some places, but it’s not common where the Empire is. They’re such a bunch of misogynistic speciest old prudes.”

“Yes they are, and it sucks. I like knowing where my ‘erogenous zones’ are.” She speaks like a teacher in a lower register for the last part of the sentence. 

“The Alliance needs a book like that. Where was his school?”

“Skuhl.” 

“I’ll try to get ahold of it. Descent sex ed can’t hurt.”

She looks down at her blanket. “So . . . have you had positive sexual experiences, or was it all for ummm, spy purposes mostly?” She remembers he was molested as a teen. She wants him to feel safe. He starts laughing. “Hey, what’s funny about - “

He covers his face and rolls onto his back. “I’ve fucked for the cause, it’s just, I was so bad at it!” 

“How bad?” She raises an eyebrow.

“Look, I have had a couple girlfriends, so I’ve had actual good experiences, let me just get that out of the way. Fucking for information, it was only ever a last resort for my missions, and after it happened four times, I was asked never to do it again. I’m fine when it’s more like, well like this. I want to be with you. When it comes to spying, I get so nervous I proved myself incapable of giving the person a good time. I didn’t blow my cover or anything. There are some women out there who believe my cover is terrible in bed. They’re right, he is.”

“That’s enough about that.”

“Wait, I want you to know I don’t have any STIs. I can show you my medical record.” She kisses him for that comment. 

“I had 2 after Wobani, but Callice treated them while I was still in the coma. I’m clear.” She looks irritated. “This isn’t a sexy conversation.”

“It kind of is though. It’s honest and open. I like that. We’re looking out for each other, and I love that.”

“I can get lost in your eyes.” 

“I love how you jump around in conversations.”

“Here’s another jump for you. I know what I want to do. I want to take my shirt and bra off, and your shirt too if it’s ok with you. I want my pants off too, but undershorts on still. Same for you if you are ok with that. I don’t want to do anything involving my vagina today, but, I can give a hand job. You can tell me how you like it.” She finishes in a slower much more sultry voice.

He blushes a little, she’s so blunt. He loves it. “I like a direct woman, and you are very direct. I didn’t ask for hand job though, you don’t have to do that. I agree though, you are wearing way to many clothes.” He tells her with a rakish grin, then he tugs at the hem of her camisole. They both sit up as he takes her shirt off.

She unhooks her bra immediately and discards it. She catches the look on his face and wonders if she’s going too fast. She starts to blush. He kisses her beautiful lips then tips her chin back to kiss down the column of her neck. “Can I touch your breasts?” He asks, because of course he does.

“Yes.” 

“Hands or mouth or both?” 

“Cassian!” Patience gone! She tackles him and they end up on the the ground with her over him and she kisses him everywhere. “Now put your hands or your mouth or both on my tits because they’re crazy over sensitive and I really really like when you touch me.”

He moves fast and captures her lips in frantic insistent kiss. Now they’re sitting up, he has one hand around her to keep her where he wants her, and one hand explores her breasts. He’s never wanted someone else so much in all his life. It’s a long wonderful night.

. . .

“What is this thing?” Asks Jyn, holding the circular object Luke handed to her.

“It’s the weapon of an Inquisitor.” Luke replies. He’s normally all jokes and mischief when they are together, but he’s deadly serious right now. “They’re monsters.”

“You fought one and took its weapon.” 

“I killed her. She was hunting for force sensitive children.” Jyn stares. Then she grabs him, and hugs him as tight as possibly can. Eventually he asks her, “Can you take it apart?”

She turns it over and over, then turns it on and immediately turns it off. “Oh my god we have to get this out of here before the hover droids see it, quick, hide it under your shirt, we’ll meet, we’ll meet, where do we meet? Aarggh. I’ll bring some tools. Let’s go to Cassian’s.”

“Ok,” He replies. He leaves with the odd circle shape in his shirt.

A few minutes later, Cassian hears frantic knocking on his door. He opens it to Jyn and Luke. They’re often like two happy 10 year old school friends when they’re together, but the gravitas about them is palpable the moment he opens the door. “What do you two want?” He asks afraid of what the answer is.

“Can we come in?” Asks Luke as Jyn pushes past him before Cassian answers. 

When the door is shut, “Can we take this apart here?” She grabs it right from Luke’s shirt. Luke had planned to get it out himself. He doesn’t actually want her grabbing things out from under his shirt. “My droids would freak.”

“Where the fuck did you get this?” Cassian’s breathless. He knows what it is.

“I killed an inquisitor. I had no choice. She was after force sensitive kids.” Luke says quietly. Jyn looks at Luke with a kind of reverence. It dawns on Cassian, one or both babies must be force sensitive, and she already knows. His mind blanks. 

When he can focus again he says, “Inquisitors are hard to kill.” Cassian looks at Luke in a new way. Tangling with an inquisitor usually doesn’t end with the inquisitor dead. There must be something more to this force wielder. He decides to ask Jyn if the babies are force sensitive when they are alone.

Jyn takes it apart easily. It’s complicated, and not for the first time, Cassian thinks she must have always been smart, she just didn’t have access to school or have the time to hone her skills.

. . . 

This time, they end up in his room.

“Jyn?” Asks Cassian. He stops. Her hands are in fists which she put over her eyes. Her face is completely closed off. “Jyn please,” fuck, she's somewhere else, probably prison, no, no, no. He puts her bra straps back on her shoulders and wraps her up in his sheets. He puts his hands on the sides of her head gently stroking her temples. One is cupping her cheek, his fingers on either side of her ear. The other gently cards her hair. “Jyn, please, look at me.” There's some panic that he can't keep out of his voice. 

She hears the panic and it draws her out. She slowly unclenches her hands. She takes them off her eyes, then drops her head in shame. She’ll need to be intimate with a boyfriend, it's part of the deal isn’t it?

“Jyn?” He’s trying to guide her chin up to look at him. He thinks eye to eye would be best to talk, but she won't look. Ok, he’ll talk without her looking. He puts one arm around her and keeps his hand over the sheet and uses his other hand to card through her hair putting it back behind her ear because it always seems to relax her. “Jyn, it’s just me, just Cassian. We’re in my quarters. We're on Takadona base. We don't have to do anything you don't want to. You say stop, I'll always stop.”

“But what if I can’t do this stuff today?”

“No problem, I won't leave, you’re always worth the wait.” He's stays where he is and doesn't feel the need to fill the silence.

She still won't look, but she's put her head up a bit and it's currently leaning on Cassian’s chest and nestled in the crook of his neck. She doesn't talk for a few minutes. “It's important though, to take care, to take care of a boyfriend or girlfriend’s sexual needs. Isn't it part of the deal?”

That surprises him and it takes a couple seconds to respond. “No! No, not really. You don't owe a person sex. I have a hand and a fresher if I really can't take it. I was afraid you didn't know where you were and who you were with.”

“I think I was half here, half somewhere else.” She looks at his eyes now, and there's a small smile on her face. “You’ll stop when I say stop? I can always say stop?”

“Yes, please always say stop whenever you want to. I know I can say stop when I need to as well.” He wonders if she picked up the idea that a significant other owes sexual satisfaction from Hadder or from living in group quarters somewhere. He isn't going to ask today, maybe not any day. “Let’s stop. Let me clean up a little, then let's go get in on a game of Smugglers Infinitives at the mess hall or we can go to your room. We can watch one of those movies where the Wookiee talks over it.”

“K, bathroom though.” She hurries off.

Gods, she scared him. He never wants her to end up back in a trauma when they’re physical. He’s shaken, but he hides it. Of course she sees it anyway.

She starts to talk when she comes back out. “I want to stay. I don’t want it to end like this. We’re, you’re, I’m,” arrgh, what can she say.

“It’s not an end.” He gets up and kisses her. “I don’t think a change of scenery would be an end.” 

“I think I want to stop, but I do want to stay here. I don’t want to end up afraid of your room.” She wants to attach more memories to this space other than what just happened.

“That sounds like a good idea.”

. . .

On a very clear day, Han, Chewbacca, and Luke are staying on the Takadona base. They’re just leaving an afternoon meeting with the crew of the Ghost, Cassian, Velma, Baze, and Churrit. Jyn, Tevlo, and Bohdi are waiting outside for them so they can all go to dinner together.

While the meeting attendees are heading outside, Churrit grabs onto Baze, and tries not to fall. “It’s so cold.” He says softly. He’s shivering.

Kanan puts his hands around himself. “So cold.”

Ezra falls to his knees. “Pain.” He says angrily, and holds the sides of his head.

Luke clutches his chest. He breaks out in a sweat, his heartbeat rises, and he starts breathing faster. “Such anger.” He says quietly.

They don’t know what it is, but Churrit, Kanan, Ezra, and Luke all feel it. That is not surprising. What is surprising is that Jyn feels it too.

She collapses to her knees, then puts her hands on the ground to steady herself. Everything real disappears and her senses merge together. She’s entered a different plane of existence. Her eyes hear and smell a cold cold creature. Then her ears see it. 

It has a humanoid shape, but it’s larger than most humans. It’s made of angry white and black lightning, anger, pain, sorrow, and, and, more. She knows she’s not seeing and feeling the way the actual creature looks, but she knows what she is observing represents a real living tangible being who exists somewhere in her galaxy.

She can smell a a lot of noise. Light, sounds, smells, scraping and scratching things, and all kinds of feelings are pulled in toward the thing. They rush by her and toward it at an increasingly furious pace. 

It’s getting darker and darker, colder and colder, and there’s so much anger. There’s so much pain. It’s washing around her. It’s all around her. It’s moving around her. She’s in the terrifying storm, but not of it. She’s a witness, an observer.

I’m a witness. If I’m a witness, I’m gonna get closer to that mother fucker and figure this shit out.

She can’t stand up, but she can pull herself forward, so she crawls and slinks toward the thing. She gains momentum and follows faster. 

Shit, it knows I’m here. It can probably see me. I’ll stop following it. Wait, I can taste something. I can taste its fear. It’s very afraid of me. It knows I’m here but its afraid because it can’t really see me or find me. It doesn’t know what I am. It doesn’t want me to observe it. This fear tastes delicious. I’m gonna chase the creature.

It’s fast, but she’s faster. She grows larger and sharper and turns into an all black creature, with a Nexu like body, with large, impossibly large wings like those of a Neebray Manta. She follows the streams of smells, of light, of dark, of pain, of anger, of sorrow, and of fear overtaking the greedy needy thing.

She stays close to it and it keeps trying to run from her but she easily stays by its side. She feels at it. She can smell and hear that she’ll have to leave this plane of existence soon to go back to her own. She grows even larger and then she roars at the thing. The roar shakes everything streaming past her, and it shakes the creature. She tastes and sees it’s growing fear, and she’s happy.

“RRRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHH!” She’s not there anymore. She’s, she’s breathing heavily, and feels . . . she’s covered in sweat . . . and dirt . . . and mud. Her eyes are open. No wings, not a Nexu. 

“Jyn? Jyn can you hear me?” Cassian pleads. 

“Whuppa whuppa brrruucka gggrrrrRRRRGGGHHH!” Yells Chopper. She can feel him pinching her leg.

“Jyn, come on, it’s Tevlo. Come back to me.” She pleads.

“Creeeee, crree!” Klept says and tugs her foot.

“Oooooo.” Vie says softly and combs through Jyn’s hair.

Jyn’s eyes focus more, and she sees Tevlo and Cassian now. She sees Chopper behind Tevlo. She can’t see Klept, but she sees Vie at her side. “Whurgh.” She tells them. That’s not what she meant to say. “WHLUGH!” Still not what she meant to say. She pouts. Her mouth won’t work.

“Are you pouting?” Asks Cassian.

“Flarrvvff.” She answers. It’s not just Tevlo, Cassian, Vie, Klept, and Chopper nearby. She realizes Bohdi is behind her and she is leaning on him. Her eyes focus more, and there are a lot more organics and droids around. Luke, Churrit, Baze, Rex, Zeb, Velma, Pipeesh, Kells, Ellah, Hera, Sabine, Kaytoo C, Shara, Kaytoo B, Kes, Ezra, Kanan, Han, and Chewbacca are there watching her. She doesn’t like it.

She closes her eyes and focuses on getting her breathing under control.

“Jyn, you ok?” Cassian is close and has an arm around her.

“Flarffh. Bleerf. Creefe. Breathe.” She says softly.

. . .

“What happened to you?” Asks Churrit.

Jyn replies, “I scared it. What happened to you?” The four force wielders look tired while Jyn seems focused and strong. She’s on edge as well.

“It was, wait, an it? I just felt coldness, a deep sorrowful cold.”

“So much cold.” Adds Kanan.

“I felt anger, waves of it.” Adds Luke.

“And pain. So much pain.” Says Ezra, and he closes his eyes tight.

“Huh.” Jyn thinks for awhile, she holds her thumbnail loosely between her teeth. “Was it like you were somewhere else?” She eventually asks.

They all nod no. 

“Ummm, what did I do?” Jyn asks.

No one says anything, finally Cassian answers. “At first, you looked awake, but you were not responding. Then you tensed up, and it was like you hyper-focused on something. You crawled pretty fast, but not quite a crawl, more like slinking fast. I had a hard time keeping up, and I was running.” That is very odd she thinks, she hasn’t moved as fast as she wants to since Scarif. Apparently she can move fast when she enters another plane of existence. Cassian continues, “You were still not responding. You didn’t bump into anything like trees or rocks though even though they were there and in the way. Then you stopped moving, but you were still tensed. Then you roared, but it was so loud, like inhuman loud, and an inhuman sound.” Jyn stares and notes Cassian isn’t wearing his neutral face as well as he usually does. He’s at least agitated, and possibly angry.

Jyn explains what happened from her point of view. It takes awhile because it was such a dense experience. 

“Has anything like this happened to you before?” Asks Churrit. 

“No. It was like I could hear, smell, see, feel all of it, but I was mainly an observer, a witness. It knew I was there, but I know it doesn’t know who or what I am or where I am.” Then she adds in a hungry greedy voice. “I tasted its fear.”

“How do you know it can’t find you?” Kanan asks, growing concerned.

“Because of how its fear tasted.” She answers, like of course that makes sense.

“What is the creature?” Asks Baze.

“It’s a humanoid, but larger than any of us. That’s all I know.”

Luke is looking out of the window. “Do you know where it is Jyn?”

“No. Do you?” She asks.

“Kind of. I think the waves of anger I felt came from the Unknown Regions of space.” He says. Then he looks at Jyn. “When someone wears a kyber crystal, it usually weighs them down unless they’re force sensitive. Not you though. Are you force sensitive?”

“I don’t think so.” She replies. Then her eyes snap to something. She can see Obi-wan Kenobi and Shaak Ti. They look concerned and that gets her hackles up. She looks away. Luke is the only other one who sees them, and he’s surprised to realize Jyn can too, though he shows no outward reaction. Cassian can’t see them, but he realizes what she must see, what she must see yet again. How much has she not told anyone about. How much hasn’t she told him?

Rex says, “I haven’t heard of someone who can’t manipulate and work with the force be able to observe it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t possible.”

“True.” She replies quietly, mainly to herself.

Bohdi cautiously asks, “Did Saw ever subject you to Bor Gullet?”

Her eyes flick to look into Bohdi’s eyes. “N - “, She starts to say no, because he didn’t, but she has a sinking feeling he did and she just forgot. Oh fuck, he did. She was young, and it wasn’t like what Bohdi was subjected to. Saw explained how it worked. He wanted her to be able to get through a Bor Gullet interrogation in case she was caught and subjected to one, so he gave her a small taste of one, which was kind in its own way. “I think he did, just a little . . . just to show me how it worked. I forgot.” She gets so lost in thought, she no longer responds to questions. 

So many variables. She wears the crystal, her mom had faith in the Force, Bor Gullet changes and rearranges minds, the babies are Force sensitive, the kyber radiation wave from the Death Star washed over her. What causes what? 

The girls are agitated. They had to have come along with her to see the thing. She feels them when they move, but it’s the first time she connects that they communicate more than just movement with her. They’ve been passing her small feelings. She feels when they are curious, calm, peaceful, frustrated, and it isn’t just how they move. 

She doesn’t know how this all happened, but she knows now that she can sometimes hear through the Force. Maybe she can be a powerful observer like she was today, but she still can’t manipulate the Force. That’s as sorted as she can possibly be for now.

She looks around and only Cassian and Rex are still there. The lights are on and it’s dark out. Cassian looks exhausted and distraught. Rex looks peaceful, slightly amused. 

“Hi.” She says.

Cassian’s desperate to get her alone and find out more of what happened. He forgets that Rex is still there. He wants answers. “What happened?? Does it have to do with the Force ghosts??” He’s angry. His neutral face is gone. His eyes are wide. He is not using his normal quiet voice.

“I don’t know.” She puts up as much bravado as she can, always be tough. She’s immediately defensive. 

“The girls then, they’re Force sensitive aren’t they.”

“I never said they - “

“ - the way you reacted to Luke when he talked about the Inquisitor! You knew! When did you know? What the fuck is going on? You were so so focused. You moved, you don’t normally move like that.” Confusion and anger in his voice. 

The creature had so much anger, hate, sorrow, and fear. It didn’t latch onto her, but it went by her like the worst storm winds she’s ever felt. It was immense. Now Cassian’s angry at her, and it adds to today’s intense experience.

She stops being defensive. The bravado disappears. She had been strong, but this day has been a lot and she is afraid of Cassian. He’s only been angry with her, really angry with her once before on Eadu. She knows he won’t hit or something like that, but she doesn’t know what happens when truly very angry Cassian is angry at her. “I don’t know!” It’s a plea for him to believe her. “I only know a couple things, I know it can’t find me. I’ve interacted with Force Ghosts 3 times before today. One time the Ghost said the babies are Force sensitive. I wear this crystal. I didn’t know it was unusual to wear one without it causing problems. I didn’t remember Bor Gullet. I didn’t know they were communicating.” She looks at her stomach, “I didn’t know I could observe happenings.”

Fuck, I just need answers thinks Cassian. I’m clearly distressing her. He tries to calm his voice. “I just don’t know why you didn’t tell me about any of this before, like that the Force Ghosts came back, that you found out the babies are Force sensitive. It seems like odd things to hide from, from what we are to each other.”

She doesn’t know what to say. They both jump when Rex speaks up. “She’s just new at this sort of thing. You are too Cassian. You two should just talk through it now. You’ll both sort it all faster that way. I’d like to talk about it too actually. I’ve seen a lot of places and met different Force sensitive sorts. . . Truth be told, I want to know if you can hear . . . . . I miss her.” And I love her, he adds in his mind. Rex’s positive countenance fades a little. 

Jyn and Cassian talk through what happened by talking with Rex about how to find Ahsoka. When they depart, Jyn and Cassian are quiet. They are extremely thankful that they have each other. It’s clear Rex just loves or is in love with Ahsoka, and it breaks his heart that he doesn’t know where she is or if she is even alive. They hold each other close that night.

Jyn listens Ahsoka, but she does not find her.


	17. Antsy

“You’re leaving for a 3 week mission soon, I want to have sex before you go!” Jyn tells Cassian. He blanches a little. He wants to have sex with her as well, it’s just, she’s so direct sometimes it catches him off guard. He loves it.

“I’d like to do that too.”

“I asked Callice and Kes about positions that might be comfortable.”

Now he chokes on his caf. “Was that umm necessary?” He asks very confused. He hadn’t thought through some positions being a problem. He also hadn’t planned on Kes being a consultant in his sex life. Jyn has a small frame, but she looks almost overdue if she was having one baby. She carries it all out in front. 

“I can’t be on my back without there being too much pressure on my spine, I pass out. If I’m on top you’ll lose feeling in, well, a lot of areas. Everything’s all moved around in here too and squashed.” 

“Wait, now I want to consult with Callice and Kes too.” 

She kisses him hard. “Later.” And pulls him on to the bed. “I know I can say stop if I need to, and so can you. And you have a hand and a fresher. We’ll need some pillows.”

“Can we get in the mood?”

“What?” She asks in a loud voice in a higher register than usual. “Just, let’s take off all your clothes you gorgeous man! That’ll get us in the mood.” She pulls off his shirt, then starts to take off his pants. Then she starts to take off hers and it’s a bit of a struggle due to balance problems, weighing a lot, and trying to move around her stomach. She can’t see her feet very well these days. 

Cassian watches and is quite bemused. He weighs offering to help, but decides to be a hinderance instead and starts kissing her face and shoulders instead.

“What! Hey!” She’s laughing and half out of her pants. “I can’t! Cassian!” He tips her head back to kiss down her neck and shifting her shirt when he reaches the tops of her breasts. Her tits are practically spilling out of the top of her bra. Her voice comes out low and husky. “Ffuucck, Cassian. That feels so good.”

They do manage to find a position that kind of works, but not well. Everything inside her really is squashed and moved around. When it's clear it won't work, she convinces him to let her give him a good and proper handjob. 

Cassian convinces her to let him go down on her. She’s comes harder than she ever has in her life.

She’s so relaxed and content. “Cassian, I think you’re probably a sex god.”

“I love you Jyn Erso.” He says softly.

. . .

Jyn is enormous and antsy. She's desperate to get off base. She looks so pregnant that even strangers suspect she's having more than one baby. 

“Please, it’s an easy one.” She's begging Draven. “It’s in non-hostile territory. I’ll only be firming up a contract for medical supplies. I can tag alone on Melshi’s transport. He’ll drop me off then Cora can pick me up on her way to Alpha Truver.”

“Do you just want to go to Alpha Truver?” Asks Draven. 

“I want to do both. I want to finalize the contract and see Cassian. Alpha Truver’s nice too and I haven't seen him 2 weeks!”

“Fine, just get the ok to travel from medical.” 

Kes and Callice allow it because all her and the babies vitals look fine so she has 4 to 6 weeks more to go before she’ll go into labor. She’s climbing the walls, she misses Cassian.

It’s not even a mission, not really. It's a drop off on a non-hostile, non-Imperial planet to finalize a contract and discuss the purchase and trade of medical supplies. 

Melshi and Cora drop her off, and Cora will pick her up in 6 hours.

“You’re Neemtas! I’m Clara. So nice to meet you.” Says Jyn. Jyn’s face is disguised, though not heavily. Her scars are covered, but her cybernetic eye looks like it usually does.

“You too,” Neemtas is taking in the sight of Jyn’s very large stomach. “I’ve got contracts for us to go over in my office back here. So you’re due soon?”

“Yeah a six weeks to go. Can I use the loo quick?” 

“Yeah, I have one here attached to my office.”

Jyn does her fast limp with her crutch to get there.

When she come out, “So these contracts mmmhhh,” Fuck. Fuck! No, oh gods, Jyn is grabbed by 4 troopers in civilian clothes, one of whom shoves an Imperial 47 gag down her throat. She can't scream! She lashes out with her crutch and hits one trooper before she’s completely restrained. She struggles and tries to curl up to protect her babies. The 4 troopers and one Neemtas took her completely by surprise.

Neemtas tears the crutch from Jyn and slams it into the side of her bad leg over and over until the crutch breaks. Jyn buckles and is on her knees. She suspects that normally, she'd be kicked in the gut, but Neemtas and the 4 troopers haven't so far. They are at least uncomfortable with taking a pregnant woman, maybe she can use that to her advantage. Her face is covered in something wet, and the makeup washed off it by one of the troopers. He is not gentle.

They aren't above hurting her, though they continue to stay away from her stomach. Neemtas punches her in the face and Jyn’s nose is probably broken now, blood is leaking into the back of her throat. “Rebel scum,” she spits out. She towers over Jyn, who is still on her knees. “Jyn Erso, the Empire will get a lot of information out of you.” Neemtas punches her in the face again, breaking Jyn’s cybernetic eye, thus sending her into a nauseating state as it’s still connected and sending what is now random visual information to her brain. It won’t “close” either.

Her boots are ripped off and thrown to the side of the room. Her truncheons, 5 knives, 1 blaster, and her identity papers are taken and thrown on top of her boots. Neemtas drops her broken crutch on top of the pile. Her kyber necklace is unceremoniously ripped off and thrown into the pile, and Jyn feels despair. 

“This is so when they eventually figure out what happened, after no trace of where we take you exists, they'll know we could be anywhere and take anyone whether it’s an Imperial planet or not.” Neemtas says close to her face. Then she kicks Jyn's good leg and hip with steel tipped boots again and again and Jyn can't scream.

She's forced up and dragged out by the 4 troopers. Oh gods, oh Force, fuck, no one knows I'm being taken! They drag her out the back. Struggle harder, she tells herself, but her eye has made coordination nearly impossible and her sense of balance is gone. 

They go out the back to a waiting transport, and it doesn't look like a prison transport, it just looks like a light delivery freighter. No, not this. Please not this. It means she's being taken with no record on the Imperial channels AT ALL. She must be considered an important prisoner. She’ll be subjected to interrogations using torture. No one will know anything until she misses pickup, and by then there won't be a trail of where she's been taken. 

No no no no, fuck, help, the babies won't make it through an enhanced interrogation. She's praying now. Anyone, anything, Mama, Papa, Koodie, Obi-wan, Shaak Ti, please, Force please, don't let them take my babies!! Churrit, can you hear me? Churrit? Baze? Luke? Ezra? Kanan? Chopper? Cassian? Oh god, what happens when Cassian finds out.

They drag her into a cell in the disguised ship. Her arms are shackled behind her and the shackles are clipped to the bench she is sitting on. Her legs are shackled and attached to the floor. She's still gagged. She struggles though it’s still impossible for her to be coordinated while one eye won’t follow directions and keeps sending random information to her brain non-stop.

They do a short hyperspace jump and she can tell their craft is loaded into a larger ship. They jump through hyperspace two more times before they reach their destination. Jyn knows there is no trail left, no chatter about her on any channels, there's very little hope. She can’t stop tears from flowing after the second hyperspace jump. She sobs without a sound.

. . . 

“Draven?” It’s Churrit. He and Baze have been trying to find Draven. They find him in the mess hall. “Something happened to Jyn.”

“What?” He stands up to go with them.

“I felt an abject wave of despair and it was from her. I hadn't been feeling for one, it just hit hard. Something has gone wrong.” Churrit says and there is fear written on his face. Draven realizes he hasn't seen Churrit with fear on his face, ever. 

Baze sees Draven is frozen in fear too. He puts his hand on Draven’s shoulder and looks him in the eyes. “Sir, we should go to the Comm’s.”

“Right, yes, let’s go.” Draven replies snapping out of it.

. . .

Cora is sent back to pick up Jyn immediately, but 4 hours have passed since drop off. Jyn isn't at their pickup spot. It’s still early though, so Cora goes into the facility and says she must see “Clara.”

Cora has a bad feeling about this. 

The staff become concerned very quickly because they can’t contact Clara or Neemtas.

“Neemtas isn't answering.” The Rhodian at the front desk tells Cora.

“Where’s her office?” Asks Cora.

“Lemme try paging the office next door.” The Rhodian isn't ready to take some random pilot to the back offices just yet. “Farran, can you check to she of Neemtas is in?”

“Ok.” Comes the reply.

40 seconds later, Farran is back on the Comm and sounds frantic. “Get up here, call security! Something's wrong!”

Security, Cora, and the Rhodian and a few others that hear along the way are in the office in under 1 minute. 

Cora gets an update to Takadona and Hoth in under 10 minutes. Within 20 minutes, Cassian and Melshi find a ship to take them to Cora. The Falcon heads there as well. As much chatter as possible is being monitored across all channels.

There is one single short holovid clip of Jyn from security camera and it's terrifying. Cassian sees it before the jump to hyperspace. Her mouth has a sophisticated gag over it, she’s been hit in the face and her cybernetic eye is broken, her crutch is gone, she's being dragged away by 4 troopers, and it looks like she can barely walk. Following behind them unrestrained is her contact.

Cassian holds it together. He can't be useful if he loses it.

He holds it together. He holds it together. When he gets to Neemtas’ office, seeing Jyn’s broken crutch and kyber necklace on top of the pile of weapons, papers, and boots breaks him. He falls to the ground, he can't hold it together anymore.

. . . 

The troopers that drag her now are in their shiny white armor, but they are unarmed. They must know enough about her to know not to have a weapon within reach. She can be deadly even when shackled. She should be able shuffle along in her leg shackles as there is room between them, but her legs aren’t cooperating. 

They stop and a hand is in her hair pulling her up hard. She’s doesn’t see the backhand coming that connects with the right side of her face. There’s an officer uniform in front of her.

She hears metal, and the officer cuts off a lot of her hair in one swipe. She hears metal on metal and then he hits her with a metal rod so hard on the side of her bad hip and leg over and over that what's left of her vision goes red. She’s so close to passing out. Her hand shackles are pulled and her hands are put flush on the floor by two troopers. The officer then stomps her right hand. She can feel bones crunch, and she still can’t scream. The man’s face comes close to her’s. 

“Jyn Erso, daughter of Galen the traitor. I'm Captain Harvoth and I'll be your interrogator.” He smiles. Then he turns to Neemtas. “Excellent work Agent Barmoss. You’ll get a commendation for this.”

“Thank you sir.” She can barely contain how happy being praised by this captain of torture makes her.

He addresses Jyn again. “Rebel scum, I'm going to enjoy wringing everything out of you.” He looks down pointedly at her protruding belly. “If your baby lives through this, and it likely won't, we’ll find it a good set of Imperial parents. It will be a mercy for the child not to be brought into the world by garbage like you.” 

Jyn's working eye goes wide and Captain Harvoth drinks in her panic. Jyn thinks she sees a couple troopers and officers gawk from across the room, and maybe a Torgrutan woman. Shaak Ti? Maybe they’ll help? Are they real? With her cybernetic eye malfunctioning, she still can't trust what she sees. Her brain keeps trying to assemble real signals from one eye with the messed up ones from the other.

“Put her in cell Omega 5- LD.” The Captain of torture tells the troopers. He hits her hard on her left hip with the metal rod again. Then he leaves. She can hear him laughing. They drag her down a hall. They drag her into her cell. Her gag is pulled from her throat as her arm shackles are removed only to be clipped right back on behind her, then clipped to the back of the cell. Vomit follows the gag when it’s unceremoniously removed. They close the cell door and she continues vomit blood and bile all over herself.

Help me, anyone, please save my babies, she prays across the universe.

. . . 

A short time later, the door whooshes open. An tall woman with an intimidating stance and a scary look on her face comes in. The door whooshes closed behind her. The woman is some kind of officer and as Jyn will note later, she’s gorgeous. She has dark skin and beautiful big brown eyes. She is taller than Jyn. She is thin, curvy, and statuesque. “There's a camera behind me, but no sound is being recorded. I have to make it look scary when I talk. I'm going to get you out of here, but you have to act scared. Can you do that. Blink and start back like I'm yelling in your face if you can do that.” 

Jyn does. 

“This gag doesn’t work, I took it apart, it won’t go down your throat, hold it with your teeth and pretend it works. Flinch to the side if you agree to do that.” Jyn does so as the woman puts her face quite close to Jyn’s. She makes it look menacing for the camera. 

“I will hold you up when we walk, I won't let you fall, but it needs to look like I'm being rough with you. Can you act like that? If you’re ready drop your head and look at your chests lap while I pretend to scream in your ear.”

Jyn does, and speaks with a croaking voice. “Turn my eye off or I'll keep throwing up.” She cringes for the camera giving the mystery woman more access to her eye. Her voice sounds bad. Her throat and vocal cords have been damaged by the gag.

“How?”

If you pull the right side toward you, there’s a small green oval button inside. Hold it down until I say it's off.”

The woman pretends to pull Jyn's much shorter hair from the other side while screaming in her right ear so she can turn it off while hidden.

“Off, thank you, I'll play along. I promise. My right leg truly doesn't work well. I can’t hold myself up well at all now.”

“Noted, I’m strong. Now pretend I'm shoving this in hard.” Jyn reels back as the fake gag is put in. “Ok, I'm going to help you up, act like I'm jerking you up.” She hears the woman unclip the shackles unclip from the back of her cell. Jyn can't really pretend not to be jerked up so she is jerked up and it hurts. Her wince is real. 

The woman holds her up under Jyn’s left arm. She keeps her up, and Jyn does her best to move on her own while making it look like she's being dragged painfully. Her right side and right hand are in agony. It is all so painful little acting is necessary. Don’t scream, don’t scream, don’t scream. Not screaming because the fake gag won't hide it takes her whole focus.

“I'm to transfer this rebel scum to the level 9 cellblock.”

“That doesn't seem right,” says the guard manning the computer.

The woman cuts in quick and quietly tells him like she’s doing him a favor, “Vader’s orders.” The man blanches and she continues. “His ship is docking in 17 minutes. Check the logs. We just found out he was coming.” She really sells it too. She looks so afraid.

“Shit,” the man says quietly. He doesn't check the logs because you don't question when it comes to Vader. “Thank you. Now get her out of here.” 

She walks her down the hall, then when out of camera view, into a maintenance tunnel. These are never guarded well and there will be fewer cameras. “We only have a little time, I doctored the logs. Soon everyone will think Vader is coming so they'll be on alert and totally focused on his arrival because he's a scary mother fucker.” She brings Jyn and herself into a closet. “I'm going to put you in a delivery box for medical testing materials, and I’ll put some more boxes on top. We leave through deliveries. It's just in case we’re seen, but I'm planning on us not being seen at all.” She gently takes the gag out and carefully takes the shackles off. 

“Thank you.”

“Don't thank me yet, we haven't escaped. We gotta get this coat off and clean you so they don’t smell you.” The Officer suddenly looks horrified. “Oh god, your hand. You can't walk at all can you. You weren’t acting at all, I've been dragging you.”

“Couldn’t be helped, it’s fine.” This woman Jyn just met, whose name she still doesn't know, is gingerly taking her coat off to not disturb her hand. “You’re an angel.”

The woman looks into her eye and smiles. She washes vomit off Jyn’s chin, neck, and chest. She’s quick, and still manages to be gentle. She puts a container on a cart, and the side of it is opened so Jyn can shimmy in. Thankfully it is one that has circulation vents. Two boxes of medical supplies are put on top of hers, and they head out a different door for the next part of their journey. 

The shackles, cleaning rags, and jacket are put in the first incineration chute they pass. They go down a maintenance elevator. She opens the elevator door then quickly moves them to a pitch dark closet before they are seen. She counts down in a whisper, “10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5,” then in her head. An alarm goes off at 1. She looks out and counts how many run by. 3 humans, 2 droids, we leave now she thinks to herself. 

Quickly and quietly, they are out the door and down a hall, then they enter a docking bay. The woman pushes them on to a cargo freighter, closes the door and opens Jyn's box. “You gotta get yourself to the seat and buckled. I got to reprogram this thing quick.” She says as she runs to the pilots seat. 

Jyn scoots out and slides backwards on her bum to the front. The broken hand is the injury that is making it impossible to get up into the chair. The woman is inputting furiously. She looks at Jyn briefly, and is up and putting her in the chair carefully without a word. She buckles her in fast too and goes back to pushing buttons and typing quickly. They take off. 

The woman gets up and tears two panels and a box out of the wall, then shoves the box along with a device she pulled from the console into a small airlock. She finishes hyperspace prep. The airlock is vented leaving the tracking devices behind, then they make the jump to hyperspace.

The woman is breathing heavy now. She’s trying to calm down.

“What's your name?” Jyn asks.

“Shashtheen Hatten, Sergea . . . , nope, just Shashtheen Hatten.” She turns to Jyn and puts her hand out. “Call me Sasha. Nice to meet you Jyn.” She shakes Jyn’s left hand.

“You can't go back anymore, are you a spy? Did I blow your cover?” Jyn asked quietly. The cabin is so silent.

“I'm not a spy. I hate the Empire but I was born into it is all. I knew I would have to leave it someday. All my family and friends are part of it though. I can never see them again.” She takes a deep breath. “I knew what they would do to you, and, I just, it was time to go.”

“You gave up your family and friends for me and my babies? Thank you is wholly inadequate.” 

“Babies?”

“Twins, yeah.”

Shashtheen pauses. “Wow, whoa.” She thinks a bit. “I don't regret, won't regret getting you out, I'm just, just, sad about the rest.” She gets a blanket onto a strapped in Jyn and finds the med kit. Jyn still has bare feet, and only had a plain T-shirt under the coat. “Enough of my self pity, we need to get you to a Medbay asap. Twins, god! I need to do something with your hand.”

“Oh, I have to tell people I'm safe! They'll be looking and trying stupid dangerous things to find me.”

“Are the babies ok?” Jyn seems very calm to her.

“Yeah, they’re moving like usual, they’re fine.”

“Can you call the Rebellion without tripping Imperial lines?”

“Gods, you know a lot. Yes I can. It's a random string that needs a specific filter. The filter changes, it won't trip the lines.”

“Perfect.”

She types and sends the string of numbers. If a rebel droid or computer picks them up, they’ll find her old number identity and a version of safe. Jyn feels beyond exhausted. Sasha is staring.

“I knew Galen. I met your dad when I was 16. He was the most genuine person I’ve ever met.”

“You knew my Papa? Genuine how?” She can't contain her curiosity, though it feels as if she should wait to talk about Sasha’s life, the one she can never return to.

“A lot of officers preen, and need to be told they’re important. He was important and he didn't need to, want to, or care to be told. We could just talk. He was always nice to young ones. He was standoffish with adults. We played Cabethta, and he told me that in life, it's important to not need awards. He also eventually said it would be better if the Imperial’s didn’t know quite how smart I was . . . I think he was setting me up to see the Empire for what it really is.

“After the Death Star exploded, I heard he was the one who built a trap into it. I lost people on it, but that weapon had no business existing. I’m glad your dad built a trap in it.”

“Sasha, you really are an angel aren't you. The galaxy doesn't deserve people as good as you.”

“I'm used to ignoring praise, but you're Galen’s so it's ok. Please go to sleep though, I'll get you to non-Imperial Medbay soon.” Sasha looks calm, but inside she’s freaking out because Jyn does not look ok. Jyn can tell Sasha’s afraid anyway.

. . . 

Shashtheen calls ahead and does a lot of explaining so they can land hidden away without being logged or caught on any cameras. She wants to land like a freighter under Cloud City on Bespin.

“Put Lando on a secure line. It's official trade business.”

A long pause. “Lando, we've met before, this isn’t Imperial business. I'm a defector and I have a non-Imperial about who needs emergency medical care immediately. We have not been followed or tracked, I removed all trackers from this vessel before jumping to hyperspace. My partner needs emergency medical attention now.”

A long pause.

“You are the best choice, you are the closest and safest. My passenger needs medical attention now. I can pay. I just need it to be discreet, and I also need to trade this ship for another. I can't be in the flight logs. We will leave as soon as possible.”

A shorter pause this time.

“Yes, I removed both trackers and overrode and deleted the tracking codes. We haven't been followed.”

Details are being relayed Jyn thinks. This pause is longer.

“Ok, thank you Sir.”

They land in a freight garage bay on a lower level. “An Imperial deserter who demands to talk with me and brings along a non-Imperial medical emergency? I don't normally come to meet everyone who arrives with freighters, but I have a lot of people under my protection so I wanted to meet you in person. I don’t want my people endangered. You won't leave alive if you do.” Lando is known for being friendly and also for flirting. He is not friendly or flirtatuous now. His tone is even and he’s smiling, but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes. 

“I understand Sir. Yes Sir.” Shashtheen says respectfully while looking him in the eyes. He can tell she's been an officer for a long time to say it in such a reflexive and resigned way. She also looks exhausted and world weary to him. “She’s in here, please follow me with the stretcher.” Two med droids and a Twi’lek nurse follow her in. Lando and his assistant follow them in too. 

They visibly startle when they see Jyn. Her nose is swollen, possibly broken, there are cuts and bruises from the first gag almost as if she has a much wider mouth, her cybernetic eye is broken, her other eye is swollen, and she has a lot of bruising around both. Her hand is lightly splinted to keep it from being jostled, but it still looks mangled. She looks like a whale too, who beats up pregnant women? The Empire, of course. “She can't walk well, was brought in that way? Jyn?” Jyn nods.

“Older injury, they aggravated it.” Jyn croaks, her voice still harsh.

“And she's pregnant with twins.” Sasha cuts in. 

“They’ve been moving like usual the whole time, they’re fine.” Says Jyn.

“We’ll give her a fake name for the logs.” Says the Twi’lek significantly to the droid. Then she addresses Jyn. “You’re Anni Lalo ok? We’ll delete your history after.”

Lando and his assistant Lobot can't hide their feelings when they see Jyn. Shock and anger are all over their faces. The Twi’lek, as an experienced nurse, keeps her face calm, and she fills up most of Jyn’s field of vision, so she stays calm.

Lando puts his hand on Sasha’s shoulder. She turns and he quietly says, “She was about to be tortured and you got her out didn’t you. You can't go back can you. You lost everything to help her escape. Did you even know her?”

“No. And I didn't lie, I can pay. I withdrew as much of my bank account as possible without setting off an system warnings. The rest of what you said, it’s accurate.”

“What was your job officer?”

“Communication systems engineer.”

“Keep your money, and here’s a tip, don’t tell people things like you withdrew all your money. You’ll be taken advantage of. This freighter will cover all costs. We’ll trade it for a similar sized freighter with a clean registration.” He looks past her at Jyn. “Let's get her stable. You stay with her, I'll have clothes sent up for both of you. We’ll have to incinerate your Imperial clothes.” He has a silent exchange with Lobot and all the information has been relayed.

The Twi’lek nurse and Med droid have been collecting information from Jyn.

“Tell me what happened.”

Jyn still has a croaking voice. “I'm pregnant, with twins. They’re moving well. My leg, hip, and pelvis were injured badly 7.5 months ago. The eye too. They were re-injured in the last 24 hours. My left side and right hand and are badly injured. Those are new. My right side was reinjured.” The nurse notes that her mouth and throat are probably pretty bad as well, the rest must be much more painful since Jyn hasn’t mentioned it. “I was arrested and was going to be interrogated. This lady here left her whole life behind to get me out, she didn't even know me.”

“That's nice,” the Twi’lek cuts in, “Tell me what physically happened though, like hit here with what by what sort of being using what implement, ok? Tell me about this wonderful lady after that.”

. . .

They want to do surgery, especially on her hand, and Jyn doesn't want to be separated from Shashtheen. “She can't come into the Medbay dressed like that.” The Twi’lek says, which is why they are being separated. Shashtheen’s still in Imperial garb. 

“Can I put on scrubs?”

“Oh, yes. That will work.” Sasha changes in a fresher.

Lando had already left to take care of his city.

“Anni, Anni? Can you hear us?” Asks the Twi’lek. She must have passed out she thinks. Her cybernetic eye is working again so they must have put an attachment on it, though she’s back to blurry. It isn't roaming on its own though thank Force. The work on her leg is painful with limited anesthesia options. She must have passed out while they moved her joints after.

“I hear you.” She replies. Sasha, a medical droid, and her nurse are all looking at her as she focuses her eyes. “Did you monitor the babies?”

“Yes. You were right, they are doing great!” Says the Twi’lek. “We set your hand and were able to add some cybernetic guides to the outside of it to assist you in making some hand movements. Your injuries on your right and left side though, you will not be able to walk without help and even then only for short periods until after the pregnancy. I'm sorry.”

“That's better than I expected.” Replies Jyn. “Thank you.” 

Sasha says, “They said we can stay until your a little more stable. Then we have to be out.”

“She needs to be more stabilized here. She has to stay the night.” Says the medical droid.

“I can take her somewhere to do that, you stabilized her enough for me to get her there.” Sasha tells the droid.

Where was there Jyn wonders? Sasha winks at her. 

“Can we fix up your hair a little?” Sasha asks. Oh yeah, Jyn forgot that the torture captain cut a swath of it off. 

“Yeah, probably should do something with it. You any good with hair? I usually trim it, but it’s so short, I don’t think a trim will look right, will it?”

“Hmmm, I agree. I think I know what will make it look like a real hairstyle as opposed to this, but I don’t know how to make it look how I want it to.”

The Twi’lek nurse, another nurse, and Sasha do figure out how to fix her hair. They turn the back into a slightly asymmetric layered short wedge. Her long bangs that curtain her face weren’t cut, so they trim them a little and leave them longer than the hair in the back.

. . . 

“Chopper says he found her!” Hera sends the message to the Falcon. 

“Where??” Cassian runs to the console of the Falcon so fast he slams into and almost goes over it.

“Sorry, not quite a where, he picked up a message from her. It's her call numbers and a safety code. It also contains specific instructions for Chopper, so we know it's real.”

“What does it say?” 

“We’ll send it, all you have to do is pass it through the right filter.”

It's her Imperial prison number from the Wobani labor camp. It contains the escaped and safe code amongst a lot of random numbers. It also says ETA is TBD, and has a more direct message of “Chopper, do not disassemble Gus!”

The random looking number string also contains some numbers strung together that only he would recognize from when they message each other on their tiny Comms. “Not sure,” “be back,” I love you,” “always.” He falls to sitting from utter relief. He doesn't realize he’a crying until Han puts a hand on his shoulder.

The Falcon heads back to Takadona.

. . . 

There is a small neat simple light freighter with many hidden modifications waiting for them. They’re given a few things too. Jyn is put on the ship in a hover chair, there are no walkers or crutches to spare though. They are wearing a new set of clothes, and Jyn has on shoes that fit her swollen feet. No boots. Sasha has “Anni’s” medical file. The sparse ship has blankets, a first aid kit, one extra shirt for Jyn, and food. 36 hours worth of food to be exact, though they’ll get where they are going in 10 hours.

Sasha hugs Lando, his assistant, and the nurse when they leave. Jyn gives them each a modified hug.

“Do you really have a place to go? You’re not just acting brave?” Lando asks Sasha quietly.

“Yes, I do. I’m no good at bravado.” She says. She's smiling. “Thank you too, I, it was really nice, what you did Sir.”

“Please call me Lando. I can say the same about you.” He laughs, then comes in close and softly asks, “What is your real name?” 

“Shashtheen, Shashtheen Hatten Si, Lando. You can call me Sasha. I'm gonna change it all, or at least the last name.”

“It was lovely to meet you. When did we meet before?” He says holding her shoulder. Gods he’s handsome she thinks. I bet he could sell me my own left for and I’d feel like he did me a huge favor.

“I was 15 and home from cadet school. You were being hassled by my dad, he’s an Imperial officer. You talked your way out of it, and then you and I talked for awhile about Loth cats.” She smiles. Loth cats get into everything.

“I do remember a little. Did you ever get a Loth cat?”

“No. I do hope we meet again sometime under better circumstances.” She means it too. He feels the same way.

Jyn watches them, and misses Cassian. Sasha and Lando aren’t flirting, just being friendly, but she still thinks of Cassian and misses him so much. She likes seeing Sasha with such a real and big smile and not a smile to cover fear about how Jyn is doing.

. . .

“Jyn's been seen.” Han tells them. “An old acquaintance had eyes on her. Says she out of Imperial hands.”

“Who is this contact?” Asks Leia. Han has an interesting set of friends. 

“Not allowed to say, but she was stabilized before moving on, she's still pregnant, both babies doing well.”

“How did he know it was her?” Cassian asks.

“Pregnant with twin girls, a cybernetic eye, distinct scarring, and her injuries match up with what we saw on the holovid. And he knew her real name. No records of her real name were kept.”

“Where is she now?” Asks Cassian.

“Said she left with someone caring and capable. Also said they had to keep moving and laying low.”

Cassian is relieved to have an update that includes how the girls are. He wants to hold Jyn so close and never let go. He feels he might fly apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had a singleton and I've had twins. Sex was fine when I was pregnant with the singleton. It was just not possible when I was pregnant with twins, everything was so shifted and squashed. Other mothers of multiples that I knew had the same problem. It was ridiculous.
> 
> I picture Sasha looking like Sasheer Zamata. Sasheer Zamata is gorgeous.


	18. Expansion

“I've never heard of it.” Says Jyn of the planet she’s looking at through the transparisteel. 

“Ziggeranntoth is an unusual planet. I don't think many people have heard of it. It's talked about in whispers and rumors. It’s a real place that seems like it should be a legend. It’s neutral and hard to find because it’s in unknown space. I have the real coordinates though.” They had crossed into unknown space, though not far into it. The planet below them looks sparsely populated but also quite advanced to Jyn.

“How is that possible?” 

“I’m in communications, I pick up a lot of information.”

“Oh. I mean how is it possible to be neutral?”

“By being heavily armed and well protected. They’re not actively in the war, but refugees and asylum seekers are allowed through, so they’re not completely inactive either. Plus, neutral and armed means they’ve taken on a unique niche.”

“Like what? Is it worth not taking sides? How does anyone not get pushed into taking sides?” 

“Because we can coexist briefly down there. Well, like you’re a rebel, I'm an Imperial, but we’re both anonymous on Ziggerantoth. Well not exactly, they’ll know who we are, and we’re allowed to be there, but we can’t have any weapons down there. They do though. It's more than that, just anyway, we’re landing soon, they’ll have very advanced medical care.”

Jyn starts to feels it when they land. She can’t quite identify it yet. 

They can't leave the hangar until they are properly identified, which happens in a private booth. Thank god, thinks Jyn because they are asked a lot of questions she doesn’t really want to answer.

The ID officer is a Chiss male, and while he isn’t a large male, he is intimidating. He asks, “Your aliases are Lianna Hallick, Kestral Dawn, Tanith Ponta, Lyra Rallik, Nari McVee, and Clara Utatanti and you are Jyn Erso correct?” 

Jyn's mouth drops open and she doesn't know what to say. How do they know all that on a planet in unknown space?

“There are warrants out for arrests, but you won't be arrested or handed over to anyone Jyn.” He adds. 

“Yes, those aliases are correct. How do you have all that on me?” 

“We pick up and go through all communications from as many parties as we can. It isn't shared. It helps us keep our place in the galaxy.”

She’s hasn't decided if she thinks this is good or bad. 

Then she hears feels it again. She hears it better now. The eveness. There’s impossibly old entity here. Jyn’s sure that the balanced Force entity residing inside the planet is why Ziggerantoth is actually neutral whether the inhabitants know it or not. It’s also why only some hear about this place. Maybe she’ll enjoy her stay here. The balanced entity gives off contentment, it’s wonderful.

”Do you have a spouse, either by contract or common law?”

”No.”

“Galen and Lyra Erso are your parents, both deceased, correct?”

“Yes.”

“There is a message for you from them. You can retrieve it after a stay in the Medbay. We will get you there soon. Ms. Erso, you are known for always having weapons on hand, you do not appear to have any on you now real or improvised, is that correct?”

“Wait, message? My parents are dead, how is there a message? How is that possible?”

“Weapons question first, Medbay second, message later.” 

Sasha was questioned before Jyn, she says, “I'll explain on the way to the Medbay.”

“But, Ok, yeah, I have no weapons. They were taken and the rest of my clothes had to be replaced.”

“Do you have any hover droids, astromechs, mouse droids, or droids of any kind with you?”

“No.” Why was he asking her that? What does he know about her?

“Ms. Erso, do not acquire any weapons or droids while you are here without permission from the proper authorities, understood?” He stands over her and there is a dangerous look in his red eyes when he speaks, and it scares her. She’s incredibly vulnerable with no weapons and so many injuries.

“Yes Sir.” She says in a resigned tone.

“Shashtheen and Jyn, do not hack or slice while you are here unless asked to by the authorities. If you need information, please just ask. You will not get in trouble for asking questions on Ziggerantoth. Do you understand?” He still has that dangerous look in his eyes.

“Yes Sir.” They answer in unison.

His demeanor immediately changes to a calm one. “Thank you. It was nice to meet you both. A medical vehicle is outside waiting to take you to the hospital. Enjoy your stay.”

Outside the hangar is beautiful! The buildings are sleek and inviting. The streets and walkways are not too busy and not too deserted. The air is warm, but not humid. There are many well maintained trees and gardens. Jyn sees the med vehicle waiting for her. She may as well say her address is Medbay she thinks to herself. 

Sasha explains that money and messages can be left at the banks here whether you are a resident or just passing through. No one can see the accounts from the outside, and no one but those specified can know about a given account. Jyn's parents must have specified her.

“I want to open an account here too, in case, well, we can go together when they clear you.” Says Sasha.

“Is that why you picked here?” Asks Jyn.

“Kinda. They have excellent medical care, that was my first thought actually. I can leave a message if any of my family members come through, I can have an account, we can also have a little vacation. I think it may be my first and only one.”

“Why would it be the only one?” 

“I doubt your rebels will trust me, and the Empire will put a price on my head. I don’t have anywhere to go.”

“The Rebellion will absolutely be ok with you. You’re not the only defector. You’re not obligated to join the Rebellion though. Maybe you can work here?”

“Not likely. You have to be asked and have skills they want to stay past a vacation. They can't be a neutral place if anyone can stay indefinitely. Not a lot of people know about it in the first place.”

They reach the Medbay and it is the nicest one Jyn has ever seen.

“Ok, I have no doubt, you definitely picked here for the medical care.” Says Jyn. She’s seen how nervous her condition makes Sasha.

“Jyn Erso, you were a prisoner at Wobani?” Asks the doctor she met less than 5 minutes ago.

Oh fuck this is annoying, they know way too much. Sasha is by her side. “Yes.” She says with an edge in her voice.

“So the father was from there, I assume you were raped?”

Jyn blanches. That was direct. “Yes I was. I don't want to talk about it.”

“I can’t promise I won’t have to ask more questions about it, but I don’t have anymore at the moment.” She continues. “You received injuries in Jedha or Scarif?”

“That's in a file??”

“Not exactly. You have Kyber burns. The Death Star had to be involved. Which one?”

“Both, I was there for both. Scarif did this.” She points to her face, and the rest. She doesn't want to look Sasha or the doctor in the eye anymore. It feels like too many secrets are out, too much laid bare, and weirdly a betrayal of Sasha. 

“Ok, next your babies are doing very well. Here’s the plan. We can put you to sleep safely, it is safe for you and the babies, so you won’t feel the procedures. While you are anesthetized, we will fix your hand, do bone growth and setting, modify the cybernetics on it, and print a cast for it. We’ll replace the cast in a couple days with a smaller one, and we can bring it to wherever you are staying. We have a stabilization procedure for your hips, but more than one won't help you now. We’ll calibrate your eye, and replace the current attachment. The bruising will mostly take care of itself. When you wake up, we will put a clear cast over your nose. We’ll print braces for your legs and hips for added stability. We will add some small muscle strengthening electrical sensors to the bracing, they’re waterproof. You’ll be out in 3 hours.”

“That soon? Wow. Wait, Sasha?”

“I’ll be here. I’m not leaving.” Says Sasha.

The doctor says, “Sasha can be here the whole time.” Then she and the med droids start getting things ready. “So, did you hear about the mass escape from a labor camp on Wobani?” Asks the doctor.

“I heard a little, what did you hear?” Asks Jyn hoping she appears nothing more than curious.

“I heard all the prisoners escaped. Someone planned it with enough vehicles for everyone to escape.”

“Really?” She acts surprised. “I heard droids, droids, droids.” They get to work on her.

. . .

Sasha arranges a hotel room near the bank, it closed before they left the Medbay. Jyn is in a hover chair. They stop at a clothing store on the way to the hotel. 

The shopkeeper is a young very nice male Gungan. “I Jai, happy to meet you ladies. What you needing?” He must have been here a long time thinks Jyn. His accent isn’t as pronounced as the few Gungans she’s met.

“Some plain clothes, one swim suit each, and footwear.” Says Sasha. Jai looks Jyn over for awhile. Dressing Sasha is fairly easy, and she looks gorgeous in anything. Dressing Jyn is more difficult and Jai takes it as a personal challenge to make Jyn feel comfortable and look good. 

They don’t really succeed with her swim suit. Humanoids pregnant with multiples must not come visit near the end of their pregnancies. For swimming, Jyn settles for a bandeau bikini top, a modified bikini bottom, and a somewhat see through coverup that should open and close in the front, but doesn't close all the way on her. It’s not a look she’s thrilled with, but it’s better than nothing and she’s definitely going swimming. She swam on Lah’mu.

Shashtheen’s done all of this and lost almost everything. Jyn misses her friends, but she wants Sasha to have a proper fun vacation, and hopes to make it so.

“You two have to try uh dance club one night.” Says Jai. He’s brought something out from behind the counter. “I’ll show you how you get made up for it.”

Jyn looks at Sasha because essentially she wants to do whatever Sasha wants to do.

Jai speaks up. “Look, you on vacation, the clubs, they neat they clean, no skeezy stuff. Try club Seraph if you stayin on blue archipelago. Just, just, think about it. You with you chair, you be fine there too, you can take it on the dance floor. I there in 3 days. I not into your kind, so safe to dance with me, k?”

“Not skeezy?” Sasha has a raised eyebrow. “We can think about it.” 

“You don’t have to dress up, but here, lemme show you makeup, you take samples.” He gives them some explanations about where it’s worn, around the eyes and on the forehead going across in waves. There is a whole night time dance party style apparently.

“What do we wear?” Asks Sasha. They bought some clothes, footwear, and a swimsuit each, and she doesn’t know if those would work for a club.

“You wear whatever, but . . . hmmm, lemme see.” He heads to the back. 

“Do you know how to dance?” Sasha asks Jyn. 

“Yeah, well, I know some dances. He says my chair can go on the dance floor, and it’s not a gross club. It could be fun.” 

He returns, “Two things and you set! You pretty tall one, you wear this pretty dress and you wear the whatever shorts or pants under it if you want, and you wear this pretty dressy shirt little round one with whatever pants or shorts. You both feel so free, and the music, the lights, it beautiful, and so many all together, feel so free. There no drugs, this planet crazy strict. I pick you cheap pretty clothes since it vacation and you don’t need to spend a lot on a dressy maybe outfit.”

“Wow, ok, thank you Jai.” Says Sasha. She smiles at Jyn. They accept the samples and buy the recommended dressy clothes.

. . . 

Sasha and Jyn get a full handle on Jyn’s new mobility reality when Jyn needs assistance in the shower. They do figure out how she can take them on her own from now on. She can exercise and walk with the extra supportive forearm crutches they gave her, but even then she needs constant help and the chair close by. She’ll be in the hover chair a lot until the end of the pregnancy. 

Cleaned and clothed and bandaged feels great though. She’s warm and clean and she doesn’t smell like a Medbay now. Then she sees herself in the mirror. Her face is a bruised swollen mess. The extra wide smile looks especially strange. It only took a short time to come to terms with the kyber burns partly because they reminded her that she blocked Cassian as best she could from her father’s monster. The cybernetic eye took a bit longer. Kes was right, it did take awhile for her to expect to see it when she saw her reflection. In both cases it definitely helped that Cassian always looked at her like she was beautiful. He’s not here and her face looks so different, she decides not to look in the mirror for awhile.

. . . 

The next day, they go to the bank. It is large and stately, and has a brick and silver exterior. It is quite blocky looking. 

Sasha sets her account up while Jyn is taken to the Erso family security box. They’ve been mostly inseparable. Jyn looks uncomfortable when they lead her away from Sasha. “Jyn, I'll be here when you get back or finishing my account. Take your time. I'll get a sandwich in the lobby if I’m done before you.”

“Thank you.” Jyn feels like she must seem like a child wanting to hold a hand. Shashtheen’s done so much for her, and Jyn feels she’s still so needy. She doesn't want to go there without Sasha, but she will.

Her parents opened an account before she was born for any and all progeny. They must have come back after she was born though because the message is specifically for her.

“You can't take the datastick the message is on home with you, but you can take a copy.” Says the Chiss bank worker who brought her. He hands her an empty stick and a copying device.

Then she’s alone in the room with her parents safety deposit box. They deposited a fair amount of money that has earned a lot of interest, and 5 kyber crystals, and some actual hard copies of pictures.

She looks it all over, then turns the message on with shaky hands.

There are her parents in the holovid.

“My Stardust,” begins her father.

“My Jynnie,” says her mother. Her mother is shedding tears already. “We love you so much. I know you may never see this. We’re moving the family to Lah’mu.”

“We hope to keep you safe.” Her father says. “The Empire will keep forcing me to design a terrible weapon. We have to leave Coruscant.”

Her Mama speaks again. “If you see this, here is what we want to say. We love you. Whatever you do, wherever you go, we love you, we’re proud of you. You're our beautiful inquisitive girl, and you’re perfect.” Her holovid Mama is crying hard enough to make talking difficult. “We love you so much.” She adds.

“Yes,” even her dad has tears coming down his face. “We love you so much Stardust. We’re already so proud of you, we always are proud of you. You're our wonderful little super-nova. We love you.” And the message ends. 

Jyn doesn't move. She sobs once then and stills herself. Then she drops her head to the table and cries hard into her arms.

She leaves 15 minutes later with a copy of the message. 

The banker explains that she can allow access to the safety deposit box and account with a potential spouse, child, or parent if she would like to specify that now. A specific name isn’t necessary as long as contracts and scan docs are in order. She withdraws some money to help pay for their stay. She never knew she had any. She’s escorted back to the lobby. 

Sasha hasn’t finished setting her account and box up yet. When she returns, it’s clear that she’s been crying too. She must have left a message for her family that they may never see. Jyn is still a little red, puffy, and splotchy on top of all her facial injuries.

“You ok?” Asks Sasha.

“Technically I am.” Jyn answers. “Are you?”

“Technically I am.” After a beat she adds, “Well, no, no I’m really not.” Jyn pulls her into a hug, and Sasha cries. Jyn has a few more tears, and just holds Sasha for awhile. 

Eventually Sasha stops crying, “Ok. Let's go.”

. . .

“The sky is so clear tonight. So many stars!” Sasha floats in the crystal clear water in the inlet near their beach room. The resort is on the Blue Archipelago. They have a handicapped accessible room with amenities for Jyn and thankfully it's also right by the beach and tropical inlet.

“It feels so amazing to be weightless.” Jyn says. They both have a half moon float behind their back and under their arms. “The moons are so beautiful. The blue one is so large and I love how it's reflecting all around us. We’re swimming on the moon.”

“Yeah, we are! It’s magical.” Sasha agrees then looks at Jyn. “Oh geez, I don't know how you do it, you must feel like a whale, and you have all these injuries, and yet you’re smiling and swimming on the moon. How do you do it?” 

Jyn decides to take the rhetorical question as an opening! “Well, when a male and a female love each other very much,”

Now Sasha throws her head back laughing. “Stop, stop!! Those are the same words my mom started with!” She's laughing so hard.

Jyn keeps going, “and have compatible genitalia.” 

Sasha laughs so hard she has tears streaming down her face. “Oh gods, just like my mom. She was so uncomfortable trying to explain it that I thought sex must be the worst thing in the world to make her so uncomfortable.” 

Jyn's laughing too. “A guy I didn't know very well had to explain it when I was 10 and asking a lot of questions. I found out just how uncomfortable a Rodian’s can get!”

“Oh my gosh, was it an accurate explanation?”

“Technically, there were drawings too.” She laughs more remembering those. “It took awhile and was kinda roundabout.”

The giggling slows down. They both realize they spoke about times in their lives that should hurt to remember because of how much they lost, but it was ok, and it was funny.

“You set up our escape so well, you must be amazing at communication coding and engineering. How did you get into that?” Asks Jyn.

“Well, my parents were already officers, which gave me access to more schools. And I was clever and smart. I liked programming and design. Communication design and maintenance requires a lot of programming and engineering, so it was a natural fit. I knew I would get to hear a lot more of what was really going on and pick up information I wasn’t supposed to. I wanted that. My parents did not like what I chose though. They wanted me in command. They pressured me, but communications was a good fit so I stuck to it.”

“You said you’re clever. How clever exactly?”

“Number one in my class clever. Are you feeling me out for the Rebellion?”

“Not exactly. Just for work. Like I said before, you aren't obligated to me or the Rebellion. I just think you’ll be bored without work.”

“Is the Rebellion like the Empire, strict and all?”

“Not nearly as strict. There's order, but we need anyone willing to help. Being picky isn't an option, and there's only so much discipline people will put up with within a volunteer organization. Defectors make up a lot of the Rebellion. They're not a perfect group though. I had a rough start with them.”

“What do you - Oh, did you feel that?” 

“What, was that?”

Sasha is peering into the water. “It's a fish, wait, it’s a ray I think. It glows.”

“Are they dangerous?” Jyn asks with fear leaking into her voice. 

“No, I’ve heard of these. Not dangerous, just big.” 

Jyn suddenly laughs. “Force, it tickles! Does it have tentacles? AAH!” Jyn slams a hand over her mouth as two enormous pink and purple eyes on eyestalks come up out of the water inches from her face.

“Oh! Geez, they really do!” Sasha laughs hard.

They’re Gragaturanian Rays. The two woman play with their enormous friends for awhile before trekking back to their room. 

. . . 

The next day, they have a visitor. She’s a tall Torgrutan woman with a hard to read but kind face. She asks to eat lunch with them. After introductions and some small talk, she addresses Jyn, “Let me get straight to the point. You were the mastermind behind the Wobani labor camp escape from a couple months ago.”

“What?!?” Jyn’s floored. How the fuck do they know about that? “I, I, don’t know what you're talking about,” Jyn replies. Her reply is not too convincing.

“You knew the place, and your Galen’s baby so you might be smart. And we keep track of Chopper - ”

“You keep track of Chopper?” Interrupts Jyn.

“That was you?!?” Sasha asks. Her eyes are wide. “You said I’m smart, well way to bury the lead Jyn! That, the hover droids, that was amazing.” That escape had garnered a lot of attention in the Imperial hierarchy. There were only eye witness accounts. No camera footage was left behind. They weren’t even sure who was behind it, it was so complete and non-specific.

“Yeah, it was me and Chopper.” She says addressing Sasha. Then to the Togrutan woman, “How are you tracking him?”

“He doesn’t have a tracker. We just have eyes on him. He’s one of the most interesting droids our academics have ever studied.”

“You have spies in the Rebellion?” Now Jyn is confused and concerned.

“Not exactly. They are legitimately part of the Rebellion, they just happen to pass on certain information. Carefully. Honestly, they are members of the Rebellion first, an ally of ours second.”

Jyn doesn’t know what to make of all this, but one detail sticks out. “You have academic studies on droids? I’ve looked for that kind of information, but I never found any.”

“Would you like access?”

“Please?” It’s quiet, and her curiosity bleeds through her still recovering voice.

“I can take you to the university library. I’d like to take you both actually. You’re both extremely capable at what you do. Shashtheen, you’re actually quite legendary in some circles. I suspect your superiors wouldn’t say anything though, they’d just take credit. We’d like to consult with both of you if you’re interested.”

Sasha and Jyn exchange a look. “We can come after they deliver Jyn’s new arm cast.” Says Sasha. “You ok with that Jyn?”

“Yeah, sounds great actually.”

“I should add, Chopper sent some of the freighters here. We helped get the refugees back on their feet.” The stately Torgrutan adds.

Jyn officially loves this place.

. . .

“How's my makeup?” Asks Sasha. She’s in the teal empire waist dress with thin straps and two slits up the sides of the asymmetric hemmed bottom Jai recommended. She also has black sleek dress pants underneath. There are waves and swirls of colors across the top of her nose and around her eyes and across her forehead. They extend into her hair as well.

“Sasha, you might be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. You’re makeup looks perfect. How's mine? I tried to match each eye.” She has a lot of green and purple and has the waves and swirls in an asymmetric pattern on her forehead. They also extend a little into her hair. She couldn’t do much around her eyes. Jyn is in an emerald green dress shirt recommended by Jai. She has cargo pants underneath it.

“I like it.” Sasha smiles. Part of Jyn’s bruises are covered and she looks less injured. “Let's have a code word if one of us wants to leave early.” 

“K, like what?”

“A phrase maybe, ‘look at those vintage uniforms,’ or ‘I like vintage uniforms.’”

“That’ll do. Should I put the crutches on the chair or leave them here?” Walking was still not going well. Her broken hand was getting much better, the printed cast was perfect, but it was still difficult to hold a crutch properly. Stabilizing her hip and leg had made more of a difference before, when she didn't have 55 lbs of baby weight all out in front of her. 

“How about you bring them, and we’ll keep them on the back of the chair or check them in if they have a coat check or something.”

“Sounds good.”

. . .

There is a line going in, but when the club employees see Jyn, they’re flagged down and brought in ahead of the line to use the ramp. While the chair hovers, hovering over a stair like incline can be uncomfortable.

They’re asked questions before they are actually allowed inside. “Species?”

“Human.”

“Dietary restrictions?”

“She can't have alcohol and stuff pregnant humans can't have. I can't have shrevstenon.” Answers Sasha.

“Wait, why are you asking for this information?” Asks Jyn. Sasha is so used to answering questions from authorities automatically, Jyn’s worries.

“It goes on a bracelet that is also your ticket in. How would we ever be able to get food to people or deal with an emergency with so many species? Your bracelet takes care of it. I can put human pregnant on yours.”

Once the bracelets are printed and on, they head through inner doors leading to the inside of the club. 

The club is a white and peach building with a lot of curves. It's wrapped around an open courtyard, and the courtyard is the dance floor. While the lights are beautiful, the two moons above them are the best lights. They are blue and orange and are especially full and beautiful tonight. 

On the dance floor is . . . just . . . everybody!

So many species, all decked out in some version of the aesthetic the Jai showed them. They aren't all great dancers either, just happy ones. 

Sasha looked nervous, so Jyn decides to take the lead. “Come on, let’s do this.” As organics of all sorts see them coming, they are welcomed into the throng.

Sasha turns out to be a pretty good dancer, and a lot of sentients come dance near her and with her. She always stays close to Jyn. Jai did come to the club and makes his way to Sasha and Jyn. He dances with Jyn. He must have been thinking about how to dance with an injured woman in a hover chair, who is so pregnant her belly currently doubles as a table. He holds one of her hands and stays partially behind and to the side of her, he sways and gyrates with his other hand up, and she sways with both hands up. It isn't a sexy dance, but a fun inclusive one. Others feel comfortable approaching to dance with her after seeing her and Jai. He broke the ice.

Everyone is writhing together while the music, the lights, and the two moons completely fill their senses. For a few hours they are part of one ecstatic whole held together by the heavy beat.

For a few hours, they share in the ecstasy under the stars.

. . . 

Jyn and Sasha leave 2 days later after a final med check. Jyn has medical files to update her file on base. They have a bag now that contains more than one change of clothes. Jyn has a new hover chair that is better suited to her. She has two forearm crutches with a wide base as well. Jyn's still bruised, but they’ve faded.

They leave on a new ship that Sasha bought. She traded in their old one then paid the difference. It looks like a sleek light freighter, it has cloaking, and it has a proper looking forged registration. It looks like a light freighter, but is actually a ship that can be lived on. It has 12 bunks, though most are hidden away unless they are needed. 

“Sasha, this thing's beautiful.”

“I wanted a ship with some room and cloaking so I won’t feel trapped. I still want to join the Rebellion.”


	19. Destroyers

As they come out of hyperspace and Takadona comes into view, Shastheen gets increasingly nervous. 

“Sasha, just stay by me. They’ll like you, I promise.”

She still looks nervous.

. . . 

It's so early in the morning that it's still dark when they land. Jyn sent a long message and talked with flight control. Bohdi was flight control that night. She makes clear they better be beyond nice to the woman bringing her back because she saved her and helped her A LOT. And don’t dent the ship, because it’s her friend’s property, not the Alliances.

Jyn is in the hover chair with Sasha fretting around her, “I can get the bag on the back of the chair, the crutches though, they can be - “

“I'll put the crutches on my right side, you stand on my left side. You can do this, we can do this.”

She nods. The door and ramp open. Jyn smiles. Cassian, Churrit, Baze, Bohdi, Kaytoo C, Kaytoo B, Shara, Kes, Tevlo, Velma, Pipeesh, Vie, Klept, Gus, Stordan, Rodma, and Davits are there. Cassian breaks first and rushes up the ramp, right to Shashtheen!

“Thank you! Thank you for saving my heart, my Jyn.” He hugs her. Then he turns to Jyn. “I love you.” He kneels and he wants to pull her close, but he sees her face, and what the fuck did they do to her? He can see bruises, the ones from the gag that make her look like her mouth is super wide especially draw his attention, though they are lighter than before. Her hand is in a special cast and she has cybernetic guide implants on the outside of her hand. She’s not walking. He really has no idea the extent of her injuries. He wants to hold her close, but he’s afraid he’ll hurt her. He does take her kyber crystal pendant from his pocket and gently places it around her neck. 

She leans forward and their foreheads touch. “I love you too.” She’s so happy that he hugged Sasha, he’s just perfect. It’s wonderful to see him and touch him again. She can’t stop smiling. 

She sees him taking in her injuries, and that leaves her feeling a bit self-conscious. She’d forgotten how jarring her face was now. She’s still so happy to see him. She wants to hold him close and kiss all fear off his stupid gorgeous face. Maybe she can distract him. “My hair is different. That wasn’t planned.”

“What happened?” 

“The interrogator cut it, but Sasha and two nurses fixed it to look like a proper haircut.” She smiles up at Sasha.

Sasha did not expect hugs, and she gets a lot of them. She does go with Jyn to the Medbay. “Jyn, you must feel like you live in Medbays.” Sasha remarks. 

“I do, I totally do!”

Draven, Kes, Callice, and Cassian all need information for Jyn’s medical treatment and for debriefing purposes, so they debrief in the Medbay. Jyn falls asleep so Sasha does most of the debrief.

Callice, Kes, and two med droids go over Jyn’s new medical files and they are horrified by her injuries, but impressed with the medical care she received afterwards. They move her to a hospital bed with strategically placed pillows.

Cassian pushes a hospital bed over to Jyn’s to sleep next to her, facing her. 

. . .

She wakes up first because she needs the loo. She accidentally wakes him up while she’s trying to get there. He’s sitting up when she gets back.

Cassian asks, “Have you heard about Mustafar?”

“What about it?”

“Well, the factories aren’t working. I haven’t heard a real explanation as to why that is. Vader and Palpatine are rumored to have visited to get things back on track. If they did go there, they did not succeed. I think your droid friend has made one hell of an impact.”

“Do you have any more details?” 

“No, but maybe Sasha’s heard something.”

They find her a little later. “Have you heard anything about Mustafar?”

“Wait, did you do that too?” Asks Sasha. 

“Not exactly, well only a little, maybe. What’s happening there?” Asks Jyn.

“I don’t know a lot about what’s happened there, but I know for sure, nothing’s produced there now. Droids go in, nothing comes out.”

“Did Palpatine visit?” Jyn asks quietly. 

“There are rumors, but if he visited and he couldn’t fix it, no one alive would know.”

. . . 

Jyn visits her workshop alone before lunch. 

The hover droids are all turned on, and they want to show her their plan to blow up ALL the Star Destroyers.

“Wow, you all drew this plan?” Asks Jyn, looking at the walls of her workshop which are now completely covered in somewhat small meticulous drawings.

“Creeee, threeeep!” Says Klept, the other droids agree. 

Vie pokes at Jyn’s cybernetic guides that are attached to the outside of her hand, and Gus softly touches her face where some bruises can still be seen. They were really frightened when she was taken.

“Oh! You have an animated version too?” Lady turns on the holovid, which mostly features explosions. The drawings however show a cohesive comprehensive plan. She looks over the walls again. “Fuck.” Whispers Jyn. “This could change everything.”

She looks it over again and again.

“We can’t do the plan exactly like this, too many droids, mechs, and organics would die, but geez, you guys this is amazing.”

“Ffffrrrraaaaagggh thuul treeeep blorp?”

“No, most droids don’t backup over and over wirelessly. Just you guys.”

“AAAAAANNNNGGGGHHLL!!” Exclaims Gus.

“I know, it’s so wrong.” Jyn replies. “I need lunch guys.” They decide they have to go to lunch with her, so Jyn and 67 droids (66 hover, and 1 mouse) arrive for lunch. When Cassian, Sasha, Kaytoo C, and Velma arrive for lunch, Velma just starts laughing. Sasha’s eyes go so wide. Kaytoo C is speechless. Jyn just looks at Cassian and gives him a little smile. She’s just as surprised that she’s eating lunch with 67 droids as he is. 

. . . 

“Cass,” Whispers Jyn, “Look at the walls.” She points out where the plan begins, and then watches and waits while he follows it. It’s just the two do them in her workshop. “With some modifications so it doesn’t involve everyone dying, do you think it’s a usable plan?”

He looks it over for a long time. “Holy shit. This is sophisticated. I think it would work. What sort of modifications were you thinking?”

“Permanently disabling Star Destroyers instead of blowing them up.”

“Can they really do what they planned here? Is it actually possible for them to do this as they drew it?”

“Yes.”

“Holy shit.” He says again quietly. Jyn and Cassian look at the plan with a kind of reverence. “This could change everything. What other modifications do you recommend?”

“Well, not killing everyone, just permanently disabling Star Destroyers that are already in use. Better to build the whole thing then lose it when the resources are already spent. Randomized time delays from one destroyer to the next so it’s less likely that they’re caught sabotaging them. They backup wirelessly so often they have no fear of self sacrifice, but it’s possible that they could be caught before they can wipe their drives or self destruct. They only contain a small self destruct. I’ve been working on a way they can wipe each other remotely in an emergency.”

“They came up with this on their own?”

“Yeah, they were planning to take the Empire apart to find me.”

“I thought they were turned off when you were away.”

“All but Vie and Klept. They sort of watch over the rest. What I did not know is that Vie and Klept were monitoring all Alliance communications, including the classified ones. They turned all the other droids on when I went missing, and they all came up with this.”

“Can I go get Draven and Velma? And maybe Sasha, Kaytoo B and C, Shara, Bohdi, Baze, Churrit, - “

“- how about just get everyone? Maybe just get Dav and Velma to look at it first. We’ll definitely need AP-5. Where is he stationed?”

“Let’s find out.” 

. . . 

“We have to do this as soon as we can.” Says Draven. He’s practically drooling. They get to work.

. . .

Before Jyn’s last mission, Cassian and Jyn switched back and forth between whose room they slept in at night. Now, when she’s discharged from the Medbay, her room is their room because it’s more handicapped accessible. Jyn wants Cassian alone in their room before she falls asleep, and it takes some convincing to get him away from planning the droid attack that night. The droid’s plan is now the top of the priority list, but an hour after dinner, she manages to convince Cassian to go to their room because they need to talk alone and she wants alone time with him.

The moment the door closes she grabs him and kisses him like he's water and she's been lost in the desert. Her mouth hurts a little, but she doesn’t care. She wants to touch every part of him. Her hands are on his face, in his hair, down his shirt back, on his back, his thighs, his backside, down the front of his pants (good, it’s still there), in his shirt and her hand stays over his heart for a little while. She fits “I” “love” “you” “Cassian” in between kisses. She starts to pull at his clothes in earnest and gets him shirtless, though the new cybernetic guides on her right hand keep catching on his clothes, and that is not comfortable.

He stops her after she winces yet again when they catch. He pulls back, “I love you too, but you’re hurting your hand. I also don't want to hurt you with passionate kisses all over your body.” She snorts and smiles. He smiles and adds, “Let’s take all your clothes off, then I can be more careful.”

She starts laughing more. “Yeah, that's the main reason.” She catches a quick look that goes over his face before he hides it, and she sees it really is the main reason he wants her clothes off. She wonders if she looks a lot worse under her clothes.

“It's perfect though, less to do when you run to the bathroom.” That gets another laugh from her. He adds, “Toilet friends forever,” with one hand punching the air, and she laughs even more.

When she stops laughing, she puts her head close to his. “I love you Cassian. I know you aren’t just trying to get me naked.” She starts to take off her shirt and he helps. She kicks off the shoes. No boots, they don’t fit now. She wants to take her pants off and put pajama pants on, and that’s when she stops. “It’s not great under this, I can’t walk without help from someone even with the new crutches. I can change on my own, but it takes awhile, and I need more practice. I want to be all over you and make you come, and kiss away that fear I keep seeing on your gorgeous face. I don’t think I can though.” She looks at him and it’s like she’s doing calculus problems in her head.

“Can I help with clothes tonight even though you can do it yourself?”

“I don’t know if I want you to see it all.” She says quietly, indicating her legs and hips.

She looks so crestfallen. He gets close and starts to kiss her. “You say stop, I’ll always stop. I love you Jyn.” He keeps kissing, and caressing, and giving her goosebumps. Little by little they get all her clothes off together.

He’s taking in her legs, and she’s not happy with the look on his face, then he looks at her belly. There are no bruises on it, just a maze of stretch marks. There are a lot of tiny movements. “You know, they recognize your voice. Here love.” She takes his hands, and puts one on each baby. “They missed you.”

“Hello little ones. I missed you too. You’re moving so much.”

“Can you feel that? They’re getting more excited.”

“I was afraid I wouldn’t . . . I was afraid . . . I was afraid . . . God Jyn, I was so afraid!” He stops looking at her belly and looks deep into her eyes. She grabs him and holds him tight. He’s crying hard. She’s never seen him full on cry before.

“I'm sorry love.” She says, holding him tight with his head tucked into her neck. “I love you Cassian. Me and the girls are here now, we're safe.”

“You shouldn't have to comfort me, I should comfort you.” He says through tears, he's angry at himself.

“Shut the fuck up. You let me hold you this time.” She tells him with some genuine annoyance. After a little while she talks some more. “Sasha helped me recover quite a bit mentally, and I forgot that no one’s done that for you yet. Let me tell you about all the people who helped me come back to you. This galaxy is much better than I thought.”

She tells him all about it.

Afterwards, when she’s getting very sleepy, she has one more big thing they have to talk about. “Cassian, we have to get married and get one of those blood marriage contracts. We have to get married as soon as possible.”

“Are you proposing?”

“Yes, now how soon can we get married?”

“Do you want to know if I accept your proposal?”

“No, because of course you do. Don’t you?” She is really tired. 

“Ok, yes, of course I do. Why does it have to be fast?” He wants to marry her, but the urgency is confusing.

“We need that legal contract thing, the one most planets accept. The blood ID one. I want you as next of kin. The girls, they need to be yours too. My parents set up a bank account, and left stuff in it, you need to be able to access it. We NEED to be joined legally. You and me, together, always, underwater, on the dance floor, in toilet emergencies, and when we - .” And she starts to nod off.

“Jyn?”

“Chewbacca does weddings.” And she starts to nod off.

He pulls the blankets over her and he sits and thinks. He hadn’t thought about a wedding. He had actually thought about being the girl’s father though. He still wasn’t used to thinking he had a future. His world fell apart when she was taken. 

He watches her sleep for awhile. 

Yes, he wants to be married as soon as possible too. He will be a father to the girls. He’d better figure out what else he wants from the future so he and Jyn can have some more common goals, otherwise he’ll always just be pulled along in her wake. He realizes he’s probably going to be extremely happy and content sabotaging the Empire with her and the droids.

He kisses her and goes to sleep.

. . .

While Jyn has an understanding of marriage contracts, she has no experience with actual weddings.

“I think our friends will want to come. Let’s just at least tell them.” Says Cassian.

“Is that what people normally do?” She asks.

“Yes.”

“Ok then. We’ll tell people. Can you tell people, and I’ll start the paperwork Chewbacca sent over?”

. . .

“Where’s Kells?” Asks Jyn. She’s wanted to ask Tevlo for a couple days now.

“He stays on Hoth now. You were right. He and I love each other very much, but we’re not in love.” Answers Tevlo.

“I didn’t think you weren’t in love, I just knew you were young and things can change. You ok?”

“Yeah, we both are actually. I think I’m in love with someone, but I don’t know what to say to him.”

Jyn looks at Tevlo like she’s working on solving trigonometry problems in her head. “Who are you in love with?” 

“Bohdi.”

“I think you could just tell him.”

“Is he interested in me?”

“I don’t know, but I’m not good at this. You and Bohdi had to convince me to date Cassian when I already knew he was in love with me and that I was in love with him. Bohdi’s wonderful. He would be nice about it whether he’s interested or not.”

Sasha and Shara arrive. “Can we borrow Klept and 42?”

“Probably.” Replies Jyn, going to find them. 

“What are you and them going to do?” Asks Tevlo. 

Sasha answers. “We need their help to set up some relays. We can tap some more Imperial lines. What are you up to?”

“Not very much actually. Can I come help?”

“Yeah.” Says Shara.

“Me too?” Asks Jyn. “I need to understand it better for the Star Destroyers take down.” Jyn arrives with 42, Klept, and Vie.

“Yes!” 

“Blleeet, fleeter fleeeet!” Says Vie.

“I don’t think explosions will be necessary for this job Vie.” Says Jyn.

“I also need to talk with you about modifying fighters and freighters to bring the droids to their targets.” Says Shara. 

. . .

The wedding happens two days later. 

Kaytoo C, Kaytoo B, Churrit, Baze, Bohdi, Kes, Callice, Davits, Stordan, Sasha, Shara, and Rodma were already on base, along with Jyn’s 67 excitable droids. Jyn will probably go into labor soon, so Callice is around more. Leia, Luke, Han, and Chewbacca arrive in the Falcon. When Chopper hears the news, he demands that the Ghost go to Takadona NOW, and that Ezra, Hera, Kanan, Zeb, Sabine, AP-5, and Rex were coming to a wedding or he’d blow them all up!

Chopper asks Hera as many marriage questions as he can before she gets annoyed.

He asks Jyn the rest when he gets there, but her understanding of marriage is mainly the legal side of it, so her and Chopper go looking for answers together.

At lunch she starts asking Cassian the questions.

“Cass, can Chopper marry Kanan and Hera?”

“Droids can’t marry people yet.”

“But what happens with their rights?”

Kanan jumps in, “Chopper, you may not be able to marry me and Hera, but I promise you are our family.” He puts a hand on Chopper.

“Wucca wucca brucca brucca rhhaaa rhaaa oooo ooo?”

“But you don’t need a harem.” Answers Jyn, taking the question of can I have the four of you in my harem very seriously as Hera chokes on her caf.

“What would you do with a harem?!?” Sabine asks.

The answer is, whatever droids normally do with harems.

. . .

The wedding is short, fairly informal, and well attended. Jyn and Han translate Shyriiwook for Cassian and the guests. Jyn and the droids leave almost immediately.

“Cassian, I gotta do a couple things. Watch for my signal.”

“What signal? We have guests!”

“Trust me. It’ll be good. Look for the signal Mr. Erso-Andor.”

“Yes Mrs. Sexy-wife.” 

“Is that my pet name? We can discuss it later. I love you.”

. . .

They see different colored lights through the mess hall windows. Then someone drops a beat. This has to be the signal:

“Jyn! Did you, did you make a dance party?” Asks Cassian.

“Yes, Mr. Erso-Andor! Wanna dance?” She asks.

“Yes My Love.” 

. . .

The hover droids dancing takes Sasha off guard. “How do you have dancing droids?” 

“They sort of just keep turning out that way. A few really like singing and composing too.” Jyn understands the programming well, but the singing is still mysterious to her.

When a song with a specific dance comes on, Sasha has 48 droids who are very intent on learning it from her. 

“GUS! Put that down, they can come dance too!” Jyn’s waving her arms and heading toward the door. Gus is pointing two blasters at some returning pilots. When Gus hears her, he obeys and holsters the blasters. He’s not very big, so the holsters look ridiculous on him. Cassian thinks he’d like to get Gus a hat.

Everyone eats the food that was already going to be served, it is the mess hall after all, and then more dancing ensues. Tevlo and Bohdi dance close. They’re both sweet, and care for everyone around them so well, they’re perfect. Jyn thinks they’re going to make an excellent team. Bohdi dressed up, and as always, he has his googles on his head. Tevlo’s dressed in lots of purposely mismatched layers. She loves not being dressed like a sex slave and she looks radiant. 

Baze and Churrit dance together, a lot! They’re very good dancers.

Kes and Shara start dancing, but end up making out instead.

“Hey Princess, one dance.” Cassian hears Han say.

“Try, ‘Hello Leia, would you like to dance.’ I might even say yes!” Leia tells him. She says yes!

Everyone is having a great time, especially the droids. Cassian stops to talk to Stordan and Rodma before heading back to Jyn with a drink. 

“Seriously?” He says quietly to Callice. The doctor is sitting next to Jyn and massaging Jyn’s right foot. Jyn is fast asleep. 

“It’s been a lot.” Whispers Callice. “She’s fine.”

“I know. Should I take her to bed? It’s so loud here.”

“Nah, she’s sleeping through it fine already.”

“Ok. Should I do that to her other foot?” He sits by his sleeping wife and watches the party while talking with Callice and rubbing Jyn’s left foot.

. . .

10 days later . . . Some Star Destroyers have mysteriously stopped working.

Also, Takadona will be searched soon.

“We gotta go now, they’re searching Takadona soon, we’ve got a few hours, maybe.” Says Cassian rushing around their room. 

“What?” Jyn says, waking from a dead sleep. “Kay, put me down! Let me use the chair!” She yells. 

Sasha’s communication system expertise has made a huge difference to the Alliance, and they get much more notice than usual to evacuate and shut down the base.

It also helps that she was a consummate expert in a position that isn’t considered glamorous. The Imperial military learns the hard way just how much their communication infrastructure depends on a few experts in a job that’s actually extremely important. There is no one to replace Sasha, and they can’t counter her effectively at all.

“Shit, I gotta get to the workshop.” She says.

“No we gotta get you out now Jyn.” Cassian actually yells at her. 

“No.” Kaytoo C answers, also yelling. “Her droids cannot fall into enemy hands. I can fly the ship out, but I can’t get them ready to go without her. They listen to her!” And he takes her there in a hurry. 

. . .

“You all have to go, we can’t stay. I need you asleep and in your shelves”

“Breeep breeep chirp brrrreeett.”

“No, we can’t do like Wobani right now.” They’re so frustrating sometimes. “I, oh, oh.” Shit, this must be what real contractions feel like. She’d had so many fake ones.

“Jyn? Why have you stopped, oh.” Says Kaytoo C, realizing what’s happening as he speaks. “Ok then, we’re almost ready.”

“Can you call Cassian?” 

“Why?”

“Well, I’m in labor, I want him with me.”

“He’s putting ships under Kanata’s Castle.” 

“Shit.”

He turns his head a little to the side to listen in to communications going back and forth while he finishes packing what can’t be left behind. “I’ve been informed we must leave now.” He pushes her chair onto her freighter workshop.

“Wait, can we meet up with Cassian and Sasha and everyone somewhere first, ooooh.” It’s another one, it hurts and takes her breath away when it crests. 

“No. You are in labor. And you’re a master droid maker. No.” And he takes off.

“Where are we going?”

“Off Takadona. Where to after that, you tell me.”

She breathes through it, then says, “Ziggerantoth.” She starts inputting the coordinates. “We gotta get messages out.”

. . .

“Kay! You what?” Exclaims Cassian. 

“What happened?” Asks Baze.

“Sasha!” Cassian yells, trying to get her attention. “Wait!”

“We don’t have time.” She replies as they rush from Maz Kanata’s Castle. 

“Jyn’s in labor. KC already left with her! Please, they’re going a place he said you’d know about? I need to go with you!”

Sasha’s mouth drops open. “Yeah, began with a Z? I can fit us in my ship.”

Bohdi, Baze, Churrit, Sasha, Cassian, Kes, Callice, Tevlo, and KB pile in to her ship and head to Ziggerantoth.

“It’s in unknown space? Seriously?” Asks Bohdi.

. . .

“Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.” She says as she breathes through the crest of another contraction. “Ok, it’s Jyn Erso, I was offered a job, it’s all in the file. I’m in labor. Please let us land. I have a dependable reprogrammed KX Series Droid with me and, and, ow ow ow ow ow ow,” She breathes and breathes, “and 72 reprogrammed hover droids and one mouse droid. Only one is turned on.”

“Bay 7 Jyn.”

They want to take her to the hospital, but won’t let KC or the Vie go yet. “Please,” she’s begging, “they’re all I have, I want them with me.”

“Jyn, you have to go. We’ll be along.” Says a calm and surprisingly reassuring KC. 

I don’t want to do this without anyone I know, she thinks. She wipes some tears from her face. 

“Stop leaking and go!” Says KC.

She goes but keeps leaking. It’s mayhem around her when she gets to the hospital. She’s been in labor for hours already so she’s almost completely dilated. Having such a large pregnant belly and severe mobility issues, means the medical staff is still working out how to support her body while also getting her into a good birthing position. 

“Ms. Erso, we’ll help you into this tub. We’re gonna get you seated and prop your legs, then we’ll fill it with water to take pressure off your body.” Says her new doctor.

“Wait, the babies - ”

“ - can be born underwater. It’s no problem. We just need to keep you in place and take some pressure off your body.” 

She’s breathing through another contraction while they talk. It’s all a lot.

“Drugs? Please?” 

“You’re so far along that the option is no medication or we have to anesthetize you completely if something happens and we do a C-section.”

“What? I don’t want to miss anything.” She replies.

“We don’t want you to either.” Says the doctor.

“Jyn, wait, no bacta baths.” It’s Kaytoo C, he has on giant scrubs and some new paint stripes that go across his face. She’s so happy he’s here.

“It’s water, just water.” Back to breathing. She has some happy tears at seeing Kaytoo and Vie, who is also painted with some bright stripes. “The paint?”

“So it’s clear I’m not actually an active Imperial military weaponized droid. The stripes are code. I didn’t want to be painted.” She knows she’ll hear more about that. “Hey. You’re naked, and I’m clothed, this is weird.”

That makes her laugh. “Can I have a shirt?” She asks those around her.

“It’ll get wet in the tub.”

“Can I have one anyway?” They give her a shirt so she’s only half naked. 

“Do you need the hover droid?” A nurse asks carefully about a half hour later.

“If she sees it happen, she’ll tell the others. I need her to witness the birth so the others will accept the babies.” She almost starts to cry again because it shouldn’t only be Vie and KC. Now her pelvis and vagina feel an extreme kind of full. She wants to push, has to push. “Have, have, has Cassian come?” 

“No. I can take a holovid Jyn.” Offers Kaytoo C.

“Please don’t video me half naked with a baby sticking out of my vagina. Maybe when the baby comes out if he isn’t here.” Gods, the babies will be out soon. “I need to push, I need to push.” Her little hover droid starts to gently pat her hair. She reaches out to Kaytoo and he gives her a hand. She holds tight.

“I think you’re right.” One doctor gets into the tub with her, one stands at her side, and one nurse on her other side. “Ok, on the next contraction, as it starts to build, you push.”

She nods furiously, and then the contraction starts to build.


	20. Welcome

40 minutes later.

“This baby must be stuck. This can’t be right. Organic bodies are terrible aren’t they Jyn.” Says Kaytoo C.

“Shut the fuck up!” She shouts.

“Thrreep cluu cllluuu chirp!” 

“I am not!” She yells at the hover droid.

Another contraction is building and she pushes, closes her eyes, and screams in frustration towards the heavens. After all this, she can’t believe Cassian, Callice, and Kes won’t be here for the birth.

The room is a lot more full when she opens her eyes. 

“You’re . . . here.” Cassian, Callice, and Kes have arrived. The others have as well, but they’re in the waiting room because everyone does not need to see her like this. And neither baby is out. Callice and Kes discuss a lot in a hurry with the hospital staff. Callice throws off her shoes and some layers of clothing and hops in the tub with Jyn. 

Kaytoo C starts to leave, but Jyn holds on to him. “Kay, please stay!”

“Really?” He asks.

“Yes, please, really.” She answers.

Cassian is at her other side now with one hand in her hair and another holds her hand. He’s speechless. She’s exhausted, she’s beautiful. It’s time to push again. 

20 minutes later, she pushes, and pushes, and pushes and out comes baby number one.

She’s perfect!

Callice and two other doctors do some maneuvering to get the next baby into place.

In 8 minutes baby number two is born, and she’s perfect. 

They hand them both to Jyn and to Jyn and Cassian, time stops. 

The whole world is just these tiny babies.  
.  
.  
.

When time starts to tick forward again, it’s still slow. Callice and Kes encourage her to try breastfeed them, at least briefly. It hurts. “Will it always be like that?” Asks Jyn.

“No, it won’t hurt and it gets easier.” Says Callice.

“What are they’re names Jyn?” Asks Cassian. 

“This is La-hai, and this is Nyree.” She hands Nyree to new dad Cassian. “They’re so beautiful. They’re perfect and they’re on the outside now.” Says Jyn, then she starts to cry. “I’m your Mama. I love you so much.”

“You did it Jyn.” Says Kaytoo C with some awe in his voice. He kneels to get a closer look. “They look strange. What do they do?”

“Not a lot for now. They learn and grow slowly.” Explains Kes.

“Oh.” Says Kaytoo C. Then he addresses the babies. “Hello La-hai and Nyree. I am Kaytoo C, you can call me KC or Kay when you learn to talk. You’re adoptive father is my significant other and I will always watch over you.” 

Jyn and Cassian both look at KC with such warmth in their eyes. “Thank you Kay.” Says Cassian.

“Threep ooooo creee.” Says Vie quietly. She has quizzical look about her.

“Awe, thank you.” Says Jyn. “Chopper can also explain a bit too. He’s taken care of babies before.”

“Really?” Says Callice. She’s surprised.

“Yeah, I’ll explain later.” Says Jyn.

“Jyn, we’re taking water out and replacing it with bacta now. You’ll have a bacta bath from just below the breasts down.” Says Callice. Ok, so what, thinks Jyn. Kes is really close to her other side now reaching for La-hai.

“The bacta will make you fall asleep.” Says Kes gently.

“What?” She says, and he gently picks up La-hai as she falls asleep.

. . .

A few hours later, she wakes up in a bed feeling better than she has since, since, since a long time ago. Cassian is asleep in a chair next to her. One baby is asleep in its cot, one is in Bohdi’s arms by the window. It’s little hand is reaching out.

“That’s a moon. It’s blue, but you don’t see colors yet. Another moon comes soon, it’s smaller than the blue one, and it’s orange. They’re both still so big.” He rocks as he talks to her. He turns and sees Jyn’s awake. “Look Nyree, it’s mummy.” He rocks her while walking over to Jyn. He hands Nyree to her.

“Hello Nyree.” Says Jyn.

Cassian wakes up, “Jyn,” he has the warmest smile. “Here’s La-hai. They were checked out by the doctors and nurses and they are both very healthy.”

“Oh my god, we’re parents.” Says Jyn.

. . .

Cassian can hear her sobbing in the bathroom. 

“Jyn? You ok?”

“No.” 

“Can I help?”

“I need pads or something. Do you have any?”

He almost says why would I have those on me now if I’ve never had them on me before, but he decides not to say that. Instead he says, “I’ll go get some.”

He asks the first nurse he finds, then comes back with some. Jyn’s still sobbing.

“Ok, I’m coming in.”

“Wait, I’m too gross.” But he’s already there. 

“No you’re not gross. I just saw you carry two babies to term and give birth. Your body will always be a beautiful wonder to me.” He hands her the pads, then kneels next to her. She’s probably not crying about a lack of pads. “What's wrong?”

“This blood smells weird, I’m leaking milk, I feel disgusting, and those two little girls are so small, and what if they stop breathing? I can't sleep ever again because they could die if I’m not watching, and I am responsible for those lives for my whole life, and who said I could be a mum? Have they met me? I’m wildly unqualified, I'm gonna fail them.” 

“No, you’re not going to fail - “

“Cassian, how does anyone do this?!?” Jyn breaks back into ugly cry again.

“I don’t know, but a lot of people do and they do it well. We can ask a lot of questions. For now, let’s get you off the toilet.”

“Ok.”

“Plus, think of all we went through in the last 8 months. We can do this.”

. . . 

They are not allowed to stage attacks from Ziggerantoth, so they stay two weeks, then find a new place on Takadona.

The occupants of this little rebel satellite base turn the tide of the war by ruining equipment much faster than it can be replaced. The droids are able to successfully sabotage all sorts of Empire military vehicles including Star Destroyers, and they do it all in secret. The vehicles don’t explode, they just become useless. The Imperial military can’t build fast enough. The Erso-Andor family contributes mightily to the war effort even though they no longer see direct combat.

When Luke turns Darth Vader back to Anakin Skywalker, Anakin kills the Emperor, and the war is truly over. The master manipulator is dead.

Cassian and Jyn along with others like Leia remain on guard. It feels like a fragile peace to them.

. . .

“Mom! He drew all over my wall!” Yells La-hai.

“Shit.” Jyn whispers to herself, she’s making lunches in the kitchen. She already knows which he, and it’s not one of her sons. Trevi is 5 and Raine is 3, and they went to play at Tevlo and Bohdi’s house. The rogue artist is the honorary nephew she watches for a few months every year. His grandpa watches him most of the other months. He refused to go play with the Rook children, and rarely gets along with Trevi and Raine. 

Jyn heads to her daughter’s room. Shit, she thinks to herself. Not only did he draw on the walls, the pictures are angry. “Poe?” She asks loudly. She hears Cassian’s footsteps heading her way from the front of the house and little feet rushing out the backdoor. The kitchen’s in the back too, so she grabs sandwiches and shoves them into a container on her way out the back door. 

“He’s climbing the tree. I’ll pull him down.” Says Kaytoo C.

“NO! Just catch him if he falls!” She says from across the yard. Poe climbs faster. Jyn is strong though and she climbs up after him. The little boy decides to sit on a branch, but then he sees Jyn and thinks, higher or jump? She catches his eye though and he sees her stop where she is, just watching. She doesn’t look angry, she just looks like she’s waiting. 

Cassian bursts out the back door, and stops when he sees Kaytoo C under the branch Poe is on and Jyn partway up the tree. He doesn’t know what to say and is very good at waiting and observing. He quietly walks toward the tree, and looks at Jyn. She gives him a look that says, it’s ok, just wait. He waits at the bottom.

Poe stays where he is. He doesn’t want to keep climbing, he doesn’t want to jump. He doesn’t want to cry. He hates them all, he hates everyone, and they all hate him because he’s bad.

Jyn climbs closer and taps his arm with the back of her hand so he’ll move over. She sits next to him. They don’t say anything. After awhile, she takes out the sandwiches and hands him one like they’re just at the table passing lunch around instead of 5 year old and and a 30 year old sitting on a tree branch 12 feet off the ground above a 7 foot tall droid.

He takes it but he won’t look at her. She takes her own and starts to eat it like it’s all normal. Then she shoves it all in her mouth as fast as she can. He looks at her then. His mouth drops open and he stares. She keeps looking ahead chewing with a completely full mouth and puffy cheeks, working on swallowing it all down.

“You’re not supposed to eat like dat Aunnie Jynnie.” He eventually says in a quiet voice. There’s real concern in his voice.

She swallows the last bit then says, “I forgot. You’re right. Do you think Uncle Cassie won’t love me as much if he finds out I ate like that?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. Jus don’t eat like dat anymore.” He says in a glum voice, looking forward again instead of at her.

“I learned to eat like that in prison.” He turns and stares hard at her. He reminds her of herself, she remembers being so angry.

“Does Uncle Cassie know you were in prison?”

“Yeah.” 

“Why did you eat like that in prison?”

“In that prison, they take your food if you’re not done in time. I ate like that for months and it took awhile for me to stop after I got out.”

He doesn’t say anything for awhile, then he asks, “Why were you in prison?”

“I made fake identities, I stole stuff, I hit and kicked people. I didn’t have much food, so I did those things to get food.” It wasn’t as simple as that, but he was 5. “Then in prison, they made us work non-stop, and there still wasn’t enough food.” She says the last part like, can you believe it?

“Does Uncle Cassie know you hit and kicked and stole?” Now Poe looks very concerned.

“I’m not sure. Do you think he won’t love me anymore if he finds out?”

He turns this one over and over in his mind. “I tink maybe he won’t.”

Perfect, this is the part she wanted to get to. “Do you know, I love you just as much when you help me with the dishes as I do when you draw on La-hai’s walls?”

“No.”

“Yes! It’s true, I love you so much all the time it feels like I might burst.”

“Maybe you do. Everyone else hates me. I’m bad.”

“You are not bad Poe. I thought everyone hated me and that I was a bad person, too bad for them to love me. I thought that for 13 years.” In her mind she adds age 8 to age 21. 

“Why?”

“Well, my Mama and Papa were supposed to keep me safe when a bad man came to take my Papa away. Mama was supposed to stay with me, and Papa would go with the bad man to keep us safe. At the last minute, Mama decided to try to save my Papa too. They killed her. She actually made the wrong choice, she should have gone with me. I thought that meant I must have been a bad kid because if I was good, she would have chosen me. I wasn’t bad though, she loved me, she just made a choice that went really wrong. Grownups make mistakes Poe, though choices like that, they don’t usually go as wrong as it did for my mama.”

“Should my mommy and daddy stay with me? Do they choose wrong?”

“I don’t know. I do know they love you so much. Maybe they should stay with you more and not take missions to fight the bad guys. Maybe they should keep fighting the bad guys to make everything safer for you. I don’t know which choice is best, just that they love you so much.”

“Maybe. I don’t think they want me.”

“They want you so much. They can love you, they can save the galaxy, and they can make mistakes all at the same time, it doesn’t mean they don’t want you. My Mama loved me so much, so much she could almost just burst, but then she was gone, I didn’t understand. Now I understand she loved me. 

“Also, your grandpa loves you, Uncle Cass loves you, and I love you. We love you just as much when you do a good thing as when you do a bad thing.” Then she whispers, “We adults, we make mistakes, but we do love you very much and that’s not a mistake.”

He burrows into her side snuggling close. “Tanks Aunnie Jynnie. I love you too.” They sit looking out for awhile. “Can I clean La-hai’s wall?”

“Yeah, but only if I can help.” He smiles at that.

“Can you eat another sandwich like, like, ommm noom nom nom?”

She looks at him like no way what a silly question before eating it all super fast just like he asked. He laughs, though he still has some awe in his eyes for her ability to eat like a maniac. 

Cassian and Kaytoo help them down. Poe and Jyn both get a kiss on the head from Cassian.


	21. Run

“No fucking way!”

“But I can train them!”

Cassian, La-hai, Nyree, Trevi, and Raine are outside the door listening to Jyn and Luke have a shouting match. La-hai and Nyree are 13. Trevi is 9 year and Raine is 7. Their youngest, their daughter Petra and and son Stellene, are 3 year old twins, and they should be asleep, but Jyn is currently so loud, Cassian suspects they’re not.

All the kids are somewhat Force sensitive, but La-hai and Nyree are extremely powerful. 

“They are 13!! They should be with their family!”

“But the Jedi - “

“ - Totally fucked up, and they’re gone now! They should not have taken families apart!”

“They had to, to be a Jedi you can’t have those sorts of attachments!”

“That went real well for them! Especially Ani, taking him from his mom didn’t fuck him up or anything!”

“You’re talking about my dad!”

“I know! Why were the options if you’re Force sensitive you have to follow this bonkers set of rules and then become a Jedi or a Sith, and there’s no other formal path? They switched to the light and dark all the time!!” She’s still yelling.

“It was a system honed for thousands of years Jyn!”

“That doesn’t make it right! You grew up with your Aunt and Uncle and you may well be the strongest Light Force wielder to ever exist. The girls do not leave to train with you away from family!”

“Jyn, the Force is strong with them.”

“You know I know that!!! You have any idea how loud it gets out there?!?”

“It gets loud for me too. Who will teach them if they stay?”

“Me, and the good voices.”

“How do you know which ones are good?” 

“I can taste and smell the difference.” She says in a low dangerous voice.

“They could trick you.”

“They can’t! They don’t prophesy! It’s all present! They can’t control and change what I hear and I know that because it pisses them off.” There’s a lull. Jyn speaks again, much quieter. “The lightning creature, it’s stirring. Can you hear it?”

“Mummy,” Says Stellene in an offended tone. He and Petra have entered the room containing Luke and Jyn through the other door. “You waked me up.”

“How are they - “ Starts Luke.

“ - all?” Force sensitive, not saying it in front of the 3 year olds, “I don’t know. I don’t know why it happened, I just know it did.” Says Jyn.

Petra opens the other door revealing the other 5 Erso-Andors. “Why you tandin here?” She asks, genuinely confused. 

“Why didn’t you say you were hearing, feeling again?” Cassian asks Jyn calmly.

“You know why.” She replies, and she looks so frustrated and weary when she does. They haven’t been getting along for close to 2 years. It all came to a head 2 years ago when Cassian said he wasn’t in love with her anymore. He wanted counseling or he would leave her. Jyn complied. She knew she’d been angry and never had great communication skills. She’d taken things out on him that she shouldn’t have. They went to counseling and she learned and changed.

After counseling and change, he said he still wasn’t in love. He truly thinks she’s his only problem (and she won’t deny she was a big problem), and that being out of the marriage will fix everything for him. She’s sure it won’t, and thinks he’s actually also depressed, having an existential crisis, and that other areas of life stress him out as well, but it’s currently all projected onto her.

They’ve talked about it more often than he wants to, and less often than she wants to. They still have sex often enough to not feel the need to look for it elsewhere, though it’s more need than love making.

A week ago, Jyn said something new. “Love is a choice. Everyday, I wake up and I choose to be in love with you and to keep loving you. I choose to focus on why I love you. Why we still fit together well.” 

“And what’s that supposed to mean? I can’t just make my heart do things. It doesn’t work like that.” He replied, and that was not new. She’s heard him say some variation of I can’t make my heart be in love with you over and over.

“Yes you can. I do it everyday. And there’s no way I’m the one and only thing in your life that makes you unhappy. I get that I needed to change, and I have, you know I have.” She’s said some variation of that over and over too. “It’s time for you to choose me again.”

“I’m still here. I stayed. That’s what I can do for now.”

She stays too, and right now she looks incredibly weary and alone. 

She told him that it hurts her to stay and be in love and not have it returned. She warned him that the damage would last awhile, and maybe be permanent if he didn’t figure it out soon. 

He didn’t realize until now that she’d put walls back up to protect her heart. For her, it’s been too long and it’s too much, but they have 6 kids so she chooses him everyday walls or no walls and stays. 

He didn’t really understand, but he finally does, right now, in the middle of this other conversation. She hasn’t been telling him about the voices and he “knows” why. All this time, she’s been stuck in this place with her former best friend who rejects her. She stopped sharing as much, and it had been so hard to get her to trust him in the first place. 

He’s been so focused on the pain in his heart, he missed it warping hers. He saw her as a beautiful amazing complicated woman before, and the truth is, she is still that beautiful amazing complicated woman now. So much changes, but so much stays the same. 

His fierce wife is having a shouting match with the most revered man in the galaxy. Even wounded, she’s still that woman who grabbed his attention on Jedha, who blocked him from the Death Star and spent her dying moments comforting someone else, comforting him. Why isn’t he choosing her everyday? Why does she still chose him?

His heart still hurts, but it doesn’t have to do with Jyn, it’s his own hurt.

What have I done? 

He’ll choose her everyday from now on, not just stay. 

“Shut up.” Jyn whisper hisses to no one in particular.

Oh god, who the fuck is she hearing these days? 

Nyree confronts Jyn. “How are you possibly gonna train us? Why would you ever turn Luke down? What’s wrong with you?”

“The Jedi took children from their families. They didn’t steal them, it was just part of the requirements. It’s what brought them down.”

“How can you know that?” 

“Because I hear them! The one who took them apart needed family.”

“You’re talking about my father again.” Says Luke.

“I know.” Says Jyn through gritted teeth.

Cassian’s concerned. “How many voices do you hear?” 

“It’s complicated.”

“Jyn,” Luke says gently, “seriously, how are you going to train them?”

She looks at him. She looks around the room and doesn’t say anything for a long time. She’s deciding how much she should tell them. “They literally can’t control what I feel, taste, hear, see, and smell. I know where a lot of their teachings are hidden, I can use those. They talk a lot.”

Luke is shocked. Why hasn’t she contacted him before? “Tell me where, please we can both use them. I need information.” 

“I’d have to go with you. I can’t go anywhere without my children.”

“Jyn, I’m here, we’ll all be here when you get back. You can go do what you have to do.” Says Cassian. The kids didn’t know he and Jyn were not doing well (well they did, kids always know). He could kick himself because there isn’t a way he can communicate that he gets it now, right now, and will chose her everyday in the middle of this bigger conversation.

“It’s not that, it’s just, the lightning creature is stirring again.” She replies quietly.

“We can all go with you.” Says Raine.

“Yeah. If the lightning, ummm, thing is stirring, we can actually all go with you. Right?” Asks Cassian. 

Her expression changes from a weary to a surprised. Cassian is offering to go with me, with all of us? Something’s changed. 

“Yes.” She replies, looking intrigued and shocked.

“I’d like to assist.” Says Luke.

“Ok.” Says Jyn.

. . .

The Erso-Andors, Kaytoo C, Klept, Vie, 6 other hover droids, Baze, Churrit, and Luke will stay and travel together in a converted freighter for the duration of the mission. They are currently packing. 

“Jyn,” Cassian’s been trying to get a moment alone with her. He finds her packing Stellene and Petra’s clothes. “I understand now, and I choose you. I will keep choosing you. I’m sorry I - “

“ - Stop. I choose you is perfect. I choose you too. I love you. Let’s umm, we can get into the other stuff another day.” She approaches him like she’s approaching a wild animal who might run. She kisses him gently, then leaves to get clothes for Raine and Trevi.

“What?” He follows her. “We should talk, let me apologize. We have a little time before we go.”

“I just mean, I choose you is so big, and that’s enough for today. I want to enjoy that. It’s more than enough.” She just looks so relieved.

“Ok.” He kisses her cheek. He helps her pack Raine and Trevi’s clothes.

. . .

They go to many places in that Freighter, mostly in known space. The get to explore many places they’ve never been, and often it’s fun. When they land, they usually look together. Sometimes they land and wait while Jyn and Luke, or Jyn, Baze, and Churrit, or Jyn and Cassian, or a few times Cassian, Trevi, and Nyree go get whatever it is they are there for. Jyn’s always listening for the lightning creature.

Cassian is re-approaching Jyn and working on taking down her walls. He’s angry at himself for being in the position of having to do this again. It’s working, but slow going.

Over one of the planets in Unknown Space, a very different mission begins. The planet doesn't appear to be inhabited. Cassian can tell Jyn is agitated, though she hides it well. Petra is also agitated, and that is apparent to everyone on board. 

“We don’t land this ship on the planet. This time it’s just Petra, Klept, Vie, Mantis, and me only. We’ll take the jump ship.” Mantis is a large hover droid. The jump ship is a small craft that is housed within the freighter. Jyn and Petra have already packed and are ready to go. 

“She’s not even four. Jyn, this is crazy, there has to be another way.” Says Cassian.

Everyone agrees with Cassian except Petra, Jyn, and 4 of the droids.

It’s Petra who speaks up before Jyn can. “Dare isn’t. Mummy knows, I know too.” Petra hears like Jyn. She can’t wield the force like her siblings, she can only listen in.

“Why does Petra have to go down there?” Cassian’s begging for a proper reason. 

“We just need to hear together and it has to be a different kind of quiet.” Says Jyn. It’s not a lie, but it’s definitely not the whole truth. Petra holds Jyn’s hand and stays close to her. She looks resolute.

They finally relent because Jyn’s been right every single time when it comes to finding hidden away Force related information and items. The party of five take the jump ship down. Cassian makes Jyn promise to keep in contact via earpieces and cameras. They talk through the earpieces along the way, entertaining Petra.

When La-hai finds Jyn left her kyber crystal necklace behind, they start to suspect they weren’t given all the relevant details. 

“Does anyone actually know what they packed?” Asks Baze.

“I think I understand why they didn’t take the rest of us along, but I still don’t know why Jyn brought Petra.” Says Churrit, with a lot of concern in his voice.

. . .

Jyn leaves the earpieces and cameras on, unless she wants to explain something to Petra.

First they scout different openings that lead to a large complicated underground cavern system. They chose one after feeling for an entity. Jyn attaches Petra to her back with straps and a wrap, then starts spelunking down. Klept is left at the top. The ropes are anchored but Mantis also holds the ropes in place from the top. Vie hovers down with them staying close.

Jyn turns the earpieces and cameras off for the second time. “Petra, you ok?” Asks Jyn.

“I don’t like dis.” She answers.

“I know. What do you hear?”

“Bad bad ting.”

“Where?” A little hand points past Jyn’s face. “That’s where I smell it too.” She feels Petra put her arms tight around her and put herself flush on Jyn’s back. “I’m gonna keep the bad thing away, while you go get the special thing.”

“Yes mummy.”

“Can you smell the thing in the water?”

“Yes.”

“Where?” A little hand comes off her neck because Petra is pointing to the side. “Ok, I’m gonna put disguises on us when we get down there, and you will get the thing in the water. I’ll keep the bad creature busy.”

“I notta good swimma.”

“You can do it. If you have a problem, you send me a signal.” 

“What is it?”

“I’ll show you at the bottom.” She turns the cameras and earpieces back on.

They reach the bottom and Jyn turns the sound and cameras off for the third time. Soon after Petra who arrived here fully dressed has more clothing added to her ensemble. She has a balaclava on now, an aquata breather ready to put in her mouth, and flashlight camera goggles added to the ensemble. She is the cutest most ridiculous thing Jyn’s seen in awhile. “Pet, tell me why we have to do this and not the others.” She didn’t want it to be the two of them. She hopes that on some level Petra understands why it has to be.

“Dey can’t do it. I know dey can’t. We feel da tings, and dat bad ting can’t hurt us wif, wif, wif Force stuff. It can only hurt us outside.”

Oh god, don’t hurt my baby on the outside. “And we can’t let the bad thing get what’s hidden in the water. It’s looking for it. I love you Pet.”

“I love you mummy.”

“Here is the signal. Tap this over and over, like this, if you need help. I’ll find you.” Jyn puts a special pressure comm on Petra’s wrist over her gloves. They practice tapping it to signal Jyn.

Next Jyn finishes her own disguise. She cuts off a swath of hair and shoves that into her bag (don’t leave anything behind), then slicks the rest down under a heavy tinted gel. She puts a red contact in and paints her face to look blue and angular. She has a half face mask around her neck that she can pull up over her face when she needs to, and it has a gas mask and an aquata breather tucked into it. 

When she’s done, Mantis is next. He came down the cavern when they reached the bottom. Jyn reconfigures the straps that are already on him. She also attaches her two supply bags to him.

. . .

When Jyn pretended there was interference and turned the earpieces and cameras off for the third time, Cassian, Luke, and Baze begged Kaytoo C to override her shutoff. Petra was 3, though close to 4 Stellene reminded them, this was insane.

Kaytoo gets the cameras and sound back on. They can hear and see Jyn and Petra through Petra and Vie’s cameras, but they can’t talk to them.

“Now what?” Petra asks quietly.

“We find the right water. I’ll watch for the bad creature and keep it busy. You find the special thing in the water and bring it to Mantis.”

“Den we wait for you.”

“Yes.” Then she looks directly at Vie and it’s like she looks directly at them. “Vie, you can’t go past here. Go to the ship in 5 minutes. It can break you. I need you not broken.” 

Vie whistles a low whistle. 

Petra and Jyn walk deeper into the caverns. Vie sends out two tiny remote cameras and has them attach to the walls along the way.

The screens they’re watching in the ship start showing many attackers heading toward Jyn and Petra. Stellene starts to cry. Petra stays very close to Jyn’s leg, but doesn’t react otherwise.

“What do you see love?” Asks Jyn.

“Dare just betend.”

“Yep.”

Back on the ship Baze asks, “What the hell are they walking into?” 

Suddenly Jyn pulls Petra to the side, and squats so they’re face to face. They see Jyn in Petra’s camera. “Lovey, it’s coming. You go find the thing in the water, then find Mantis. Remember, tap this wrist comm over and over if you get in trouble. Go.” And Jyn sends her off down a little cavern passage.

Petra runs. 

On the ship, they’re along for Petra’s adventure, and can see Jyn through one of Vie’s cameras. 

Petra hurries along silently until she finds an underground lake. She goes right in. It’s cold and she yelps. She turns a little light next to her goggles on, and puts in her aquata breather. She swims underwater like she knows where she’s going. She stops, and where she stops doesn’t look special. She starts tugging at water grass and stones. Then she finds a box and pulls. She’s so small, it takes awhile to get it free.

On the other screen Jyn moves forward, and a large frightening creature emerges from the horde. It’s a little bigger than a Wookiee. She has a bow staff in her hands. “What are you looking for?” Asks the large creature. 

Jyn says nothing.

“What are you looking for?” It bellows. He puts out his hand and tries to pull the answer from her mind, but he can’t even find her mind. After that, all the other realistic looking dangerous creatures disappear from the screen and it’s just Jyn and the creature.

Now he moves closer, and when he gets to a certain point she holds up the bow staff as if to say, no further. 

“What are you?” He asks.

She says nothing.

It lunges for her, she sidesteps it, and she hits it hard on the back knocking it off balance. The creature’s arms are long and he reaches back and pulls a leg out from under her. She’s up almost immediately and then the fight is a blur. The kids had heard their mum was a fighter, but they’d only seen her in action on the practice mat and a couple times in dangerous places. They’d never seen her in a full on desperate fight. The creature is brutal and Jyn is an artist. The fight disappears around a bend. 

“Why doesn’t mum have a blaster?” Asks Raine, demanding an answer.

Luke looks full of sorrow when he answers. “That creature can stop a blaster bolt. If she had a blaster and he took it, well, she can’t stop a blaster bolt. That thing is extremely powerful.”

Cassian rounds on him, “Did you know before they left?”

“No, I only knew what you all knew. I can feel it now, it is very strong. I don’t like it.”

When Petra gets the box out, the water grass around it grabs her. First she tries to swim away, but she can’t. She starts tapping the comm furiously for Jyn while she keeps trying to get away. It keeps pulling her. She’s thrashing and tapping the button. They all have their hearts in their throats. Stellene, Nyree, Baze, and Cassian now have tear tracks on their cheeks.

The creature stops yelling and there’s a thud. A bloodied Jyn limps fast towards Petra’s cavern path. 

In less than 2 minutes, Jyn’s hands and a knife can be seen in Petra’s camera. Jyn cuts the water grass away from Petra. Petra holds the box like her life depends on it as Jyn swims them both away. There’s blood in the water. 

Jyn has her aquata breather in but she still gasps when they reach the surface. “You’re gonna run to Mantis, don’t let go of this box. Say ‘dusty’ when you get to Mantis. Repeat.”

“Run da Mantis, hold da box tight, tell Mantis ‘dusty.’” Petra says.

“No, no, no, no, Jyn,” Cassian says out loud in a strained voice. She gave Petra a code word so Mantis would bring her directly back. Jyn doesn’t think she’ll make it out of this alive. 

Petra runs as fast as she can.

Jyn’s engaging the thing again, and she isn’t the artist anymore. It’s an all out brawl.

“You will die here, then I’ll kill that thing.” Says the creature in a booming voice. Petra slows a little and turns. Jyn is still disguised and still fighting. The creature tries to pull Petra to itself using the Force. Nothing happens. 

He becomes enraged and bellows so loud it vibrates the whole cavern. He grabs Jyn and throws her into the wall, then rushes at Petra. He’s enormous, violent, and getting close to Petra who has frozen in fear. 

“Give me that and I’ll make your death quick child.” The creature yells, then he goes down having been hit from behind. Jyn threw a big rock at him while it’s attention was on Petra. She limps over him and hits him hard on the head with another rock before hurrying to a still frozen Petra. She picks her up and carries her toward the cavern where Mantis waits. Jyn’s having trouble walking.

“Put the box in your bag.” Jyn says, revealing a mouthful of blood covered teeth. Petra recoils a little at that sight. There is an empty bag already tucked into Petra’s shirt attached to a lanyard around her neck. They pull it out, seal the box in it, then it’s put back under Petra’s clothes. “Go tell Mantis the word.” Says Jyn calmly, and she’s already up to intercept the creature again. 

Petra runs and finds Mantis, and a few seconds later, she tells him the word. “Dusty!” He moves very fast and grabs her in a hold that is tight but doesn’t hurt, she can’t wiggle free from it. She yelps. 

Vie left to prime the ship awhile ago, but she attached one more camera where she had been hovering before she left. Jyn and the monster are currently on that screen.

“Uunnhh.” Jyn’s been thrown again. She’s trying to keep the monster from entering the cavern Petra’s in.

Mantis takes off with Petra.

“No! Mummy!” Petra struggles and yelps. Mantis won’t let go. Petra’s looking down, and she sees the monster enter the bottom of the cavern while still fighting Jyn. He grabs Jyn around the throat, holds her off the ground, and he then reaches up with its other hand. He uses the Force to grab Mantis. Mantis slows, but keeps trying to fly out. Petra screams. 

Jyn and the creature start convulsing hard and sparking. The creature lets go of Mantis. While Mantis finishes flying Petra out of the cavern, they see Jyn and the creature hit the ground unconscious. She tased it, but had to be close to do so, which meant she basically had to tase herself as well.

Mantis takes Petra directly to the ship. Vie sends a remote camera to the top of the cavern to see Jyn, but her and the creature are already gone. Vie leaves the camera, and closes the door. Klept and Vie start the ship then Vie takes over flying it. Mantis puts Petra down and she screams and pounds the door. “MUMMY!! MUMMY!!”

When the little ship reaches the modified freighter, the droids on the freighter and on the little ship actually take over both ships before anyone can react. They turn off all the lights. In less than 30 seconds Klept and Petra, who is still in goggles and completely covered, are left on the freighter with Jyn’s bags of equipment. The little ship now contains Vie and Mantis, and is heading back to wait for Jyn. 

Cassian scoops Petra up. 

“Petra, it’s daddy.” He starts to get all the gear off her head. He wants Jyn back too, but Petra is more important to him and Jyn and he will attend to her now.

“We have to go down there.” Yells Nyree.

“Dad, Luke, Churrit, we gotta save mom!” Yells Trevi.

Klept turns on a holovid of Jyn. “6438 - If Petra comes back with whatever it was we were meant to get without me, you cannot come for me. The creature is stronger in the Force than anything I’ve ever heard or felt. It can’t use the Force on me or Petra, but we can only project that into a very small area around ourselves. It’s already incredibly powerful and if it gets whatever it is we’re after, it will become unstoppable. I can call Mantis and Vie when the creature isn’t listening. Do whatever Petra says to do with the object. She understands.”

“No!” Screams Petra. “Mummy!! Mummy!! I want to go back!! Da monstah is big! Mama! It hurts mama! Aaaahhhh!” She escapes from Cassian’s grasp and starts pounding the door. Cassian picks her up and holds her in a tight hug and tries to calm her down. 

. . . 

Jyn regains consciousness first and scrabbles away, but he’s conscious a second later and he scrabbles after her. He grabs her leg and twists hard. Petra’s out, she can use poison now. She barely gets the gas mask out of her scarf and on before she sets off a gas canister. The creature digs its claw like fingers deep into her leg and pulls, breaking and tearing her leg up. He realizes too late what the smoke is, and has already breathed in the poison gas. It won’t kill him, but it should keep him unconscious for awhile. 

She can’t see. She tries to pull forward, but even though the creature is unconscious it has her leg, and her leg is not responding properly anymore. She pulls and wiggles, finally getting free. She moves forward blindly.

Then she escapes, sort of. It’s more like she falls into an underground river, and isn’t dead yet. 

. . . 

Stay conscious . . stay conscious . . stay . . stay . . . light . . out . . shore.

She manages to pull herself out of the river farther down the cavern, and she can see an outside light. 

Stay conscious . . stay conscious . . . is it awake? . . . . . . Stay conscious . . . Uhh . . . . . 

Conscious! . . . Feel . . . Can’t taste him . . . Gone . . . Stay conscious . . . Comm . . . . .

. . .

Chirp, chirp. 

The console chirps and blinks. Kaytoo C reacts first. “Vie, Jyn made contact. Turn your camera on, I can assist from here if she’s injured.”

It takes awhile for Vie to find her. Jyn’s laying against the wall of the cave unconscious. Vie calls Mantis, and he carefully picks her up then carries her to the little ship. 

She’s breathing poorly, and there’s a nasty rattling sound when she does. 

They start configuring the med pod for her while she’s brought back. 

She’s put in the medical pod and it diagnoses, fixes, and maintains. When the pod top comes off, she has tubes down her throat, more going into her body, sensors everywhere, IV’s, and many new cybernetic leads on her right leg and left shoulder.

“She killed it?” Stellene asks Petra as they watch Jyn’s pod open.

“No.” Answers Petra. She speaks with total certainty.

Cassian starts to clean off the heavy gel in Jyn’s hair. 

“Why did she do her hair like that dad?” Asks La-hai.

“So the monster couldn’t pull her hair.” He replies.

“And why that makeup?” Asks Nyree.

Cassian is now carefully removing it. “So it can’t recognize her if it lives.” He stops and looks them. “Did I ever tell you guys the story of how she saved Tevlo and Kells?”

. . .

She tries to talk, but she can’t. She opens her eyes and slowly focuses them to take in the room around her. Everything hurts. Even her hair hurts.

Cassian comes very close to her. He whispers, “Can you hear me?” 

She tries to nod yes, but it hurts. She winces hard. She moves her eye up and down instead. 

“Petra and Stellene are asleep next to you.” He whispers.

She tries to move to see, then stops, and she can’t hide how much it hurts. Don’t think about how much it threw you around. Oh god, Petra was so terrified. She locks her eyes on Cassian’s. He asks quietly. “Was it worth it?”

She moves her eye up and down. It absolutely was. She wonders if he believes her. She wonders if he’ll ever forgive her for taking Petra there. 

Even though they’re rebuilding, they’ve still been together over 13 years and he is a very observant person. 

“You don’t need me to forgive you, I get it. We both love them all so much, and I know you wouldn’t have put Petra in that situation unless you had to. I do want you to explain it when there isn’t a tube in your throat.” Jyn stares, he’s a mind reader. It’s been awhile since he’s read her like this.

Petra stirs. The box is in the bag in her shirt still, she wouldn’t let anyone near it, and they didn’t want to forcefully take it from her. “Mummy?”

Jyn tries to smile around the tube.

“Mummy.” Whispers Stellene. He gets up gives Jyn lots of kisses all over her face. He’s as gentle as an almost 4 year old trying to be gentle can be. “I love you Mummy.” It hurts a little physically, but lots of little kisses from Stelly feel so sweet. She tries to smile more. A tear falls down her cheek. “Mummy, be happy, it’s me!” He tells her earnestly.

But she is happy. Not long after she started fighting the thing, she realized it was going to kill her. She’s still surprised it didn’t, and now she gets Stellene’s little kisses.

Petra sits up and puts Jyn’s hand in her hands, slowly moving it from one to the other while she fidgets. “I got-ted da box.” She’s taken it off, she gives Jyn the lanyard and bag with the box in it.

More tears slip from Jyn’s eyes. She didn’t want to put her daughter in that situation. There truly was no other option. 

“Mummy, no fussin!” Petra looks mad, and she puts her hands on her hips. “It’s o-tay. If da bad creature got da box, it would be even badder dan you an me bof dead. If it get da box, it will kill Stelly and daddy. Raine, Trevi, La-hai, Nyree, Unca Baze, Unca Churrit, and Mistah Luke too. I don’t want dem dead.” She pauses then adds in a very matter of fact tone for a 3-year old, “You n me, da only ones dis time.”

Jyn tries to say I love you, but she can’t. She signs it instead.

“Dose ladies and da green girl say tank you.” And she points to nothing that Cassian or Stellene can see. Cassian puts Petra and Stellene back in their own beds.

. . . 

Cassian comes back and lays carefully next to Jyn. He kisses her on the cheek. “Jyn, I don’t know when the tube can come out of your throat, your lungs and other organs were damaged, oh god.” He sits up and turns away, and starts crying. She fought to keep that creature from Petra and she was thrown around like a rag doll. She doesn’t just have some bad injuries, she’s injured everywhere, and she looks terrible. It’s more hurt than he’s ever seen her. She grabs at him and tries to pull him close, she wants to have him close. He turns back to her and kisses her forehead. He strokes her hair and they just look at each other. She gets sleepy and he curls up against her carefully.

The pod says the throat tube can be removed a short time later. It’s an uncomfortable removal. “Uhh.” Jyn says with a rasp. 

“You don’t have to talk love.” Cassian’s hands are so gentle while he’s trying to settle her, she gets goosebumps and wants more fleeting touches and skin contact. His eyebrow quirks up when he realizes she wants his hands on her more. “Hey, hey, it’s ok, I gotcha, I’m not going anywhere Jyn.” He keeps close and when she’s settled, he holds one of her hands in his, and he strokes her cheek with his other hand.

It’s quiet. She tests what she can move. “Jyn, careful, we saw Vie’s camera, and the med pod listed your injuries. You fought hard, but that thing threw you - ”

“- Vie?” She says in a low crackly voice.

“When you turned us off the third time, Kaytoo C overrode it. We could see and hear but we couldn’t talk to you.” 

“Oh.” She looks embarrassed. She rasps, “I didn’t want more people talking to Petra and me during it all, or following us. I didn’t think I could make you or anyone else understand.”

“I get it.” He really does. He probably wouldn’t have before the mission. “What is the deal with the box?” He asks her quietly. 

He knows she would never have taken Petra if she felt there was another way. It scared the shit out of him. He had been angry for about a second before becoming more terrified than he’s even been in his entire life. He had never felt so terrified and helpless as when he had to watch his daughter go get an object in a dangerous place, then see her frozen in fear while a monster ran toward her while his wife was getting the shit kicked out of her to protect their daughter. If that box was important, he understood why Petra had to get it while Jyn protected her. Jyn couldn’t do both.

“It has Mace Windu’s teachings inside. It’s a book or something. He’s the only Jedi ever to use his particular fighting style successfully. That dark Force creature, he would definitely be unstoppable if he figured out how to use it. He was looking for it.”

“I know you wouldn’t put Pet in danger if you didn’t think you had to. I still need to know how you know it’s this dangerous?”

“Force voices. At first they just were talking about it. Not to me, just to each other. They talked about more and more. I finally contacted Obi-wan and asked about it. I met Master Windu, Master Jocasta, and Master Yoda soon after.”

“Are they just around all the time?”

“No, it’s more like they’re all in peace and away, until something big, like this, pulls them back.” Jyn thinks a moment then adds, “Petra just called Obi-wan, Windu, and Jocasta ladies. Jocasta is a lady. She called Yoda a little green girl.”

“That goes in the scrapbook.” Says Cassian. “Yoda, the most famous Jedi Master in history, the little green girl. Obi-wan has a beard doesn’t he?”

“Yeah, he does. Mace Windu doesn’t look like a lady. Maybe she thinks your female if you wear robes.”

“She probably does. If I wear robes, we can both be called mom.” She laughs, and it hurts a lot. “Whoa, I’m sorry. Sorry love. Oh god, I’ve never seen you hurt this bad, everything is bruised outside, and inside. Jyn, how are you this calm.”

“Windu beat Sidious. Anakin Skywalker intervened and killed Windu. Windu harnessed an opponents strength and reflected their own attacks back onto themselves, and he also added his own attack onto that. He fought Sidious alone, and he’d won until Anakin killed him.” 

Jyn thinks, and starts to make a connection. “It was awful but we had to do it.” She thinks about it all for awhile. “My Papa sent me on a suicide mission, and now I took Petra on one.” She cries in earnest now and he’s about to, but sobs hurt worse than laughs, so they’re both distracted from more crying for now, trying to settle Jyn again.


	22. It wasn’t supposed to be like this

There were days Jyn cursed herself for not being better at communication. She had a difficult time explaining what “hearing,” “feeling,” smelling,” “tasting,” the force was like, how it could be both in and out of her control, and especially what it all all meant. Petra was the only one who understood completely, and she was 9 and no better at explaining. Cassian and Stellene were the only others who seemed to have a good understanding of it. For Cassian, he trusted Jyn because she had a handle on how much she didn’t know. He felt that the smartest people often had a handle on how much they didn’t know to go along with what they knew with certainty.

Today was one of the days she cursed herself, because she had not been able to explain how it worked and how to interpret it to La-hai and Nyree. The girls were 19. 35 days ago, they left secretly in the night to go hunt for the creature Petra and Jyn fought 6 years ago, the same one Jyn observed through the Force 20 years ago. Jyn wishes they’d said something to her first because she would have advised against it, and made them understand. There were really good reasons not to go looking for that thing, the biggest one being, it wasn’t currently causing any problems.

She wasn’t sure why they wanted to go find the creature at all, until Stellene explained to her that Petra talked about what she witnessed in the Force in her sleep sometimes. Whatever she said while unconscious, they took it to mean they needed to go on a mission to get it.

Petra and Jyn hadn’t heard anything about the creature in all the chatter they picked up since they faced it 6 years ago. They were picking up a lot of chatter about the girls going after it though. The girls wielded the light side well and were considered helpful by those Force wielders who had passed on, but the closer they got to the creature, the worse the chatter got. The consensus was that they shouldn’t be going after the creature.

Churrit, Baze, Jyn, Cassian, Petra, past masters, and found teachings were used to train all 5 Force wielding children in how to be in tune with the Force to protect and fight. Petra and Jyn had to find their own way because while they were force sensitive they couldn’t wield it in the traditional sense, they could only eavesdrop. 

Nyree was an expert in the Jedi saber fighting style of Form V and La-hai mastered the Vaapad style of Form VII, the same style Mace Windu used. Their kyber crystals came from the Erso safety deposit box. The safety deposit box contained 5, though one split on its own for Raine and Trevi, and the largest crystal hung from Petra’s neck. She couldn’t hear it, but her siblings and Churrit knew it sang for her and told her so. The kyber crystal that sang to Nyree split on its own. She used two sabers, one white, one blue. The crystal that sang to La-hai was now part of one sleek purple bladed light saber.

Jyn and Petra didn’t know where the girls had gone. They only knew the creature was not on the planet they found it on 6 years ago. The chatter didn’t help with figuring out where the girls had gone. Churrit, Stellene, Trevi, and Raine couldn’t find them through the Force either, which was strange. 

The family wanted to find them, but they didn’t even have a place to begin to look.

. . .

“No, no, NO, NO! Not my baby! NOT MY BABIES!” Jyn shouts. Then she screams in her workshop. It’s late in the afternoon. 

“NO! NO! NO!” Petra screams and falls to the floor. She puts her hands on the sides of her head. Cassian is just arriving home from an errand when he hears Petra in the living room. Her rushes over to her and holds her tight while she screams, rocks back and forth, and while her little frame is wracked with big deep sobs. She had been reading, but tore the book in half as she screamed and fell to the floor.

“Petra, Petra, Pet. Can you hear me?” He pleads. She doesn’t answer but she tucks up against him more and lets herself be held, she must know he’s there. Stellene finds them next and hugs his sister. Trevi and Raine rush in, followed closely by Baze and Churrit, who join the huddle around the disturbed Petra. Baze and Churrit live next door and for the Erso-Andor children, they are like a second set of parents who don’t have to be strict.

The commotion unfolding in the backyard doesn’t register until Petra gets quieter. When she hears it, she goes silent. They all do. They can’t make out words, but Kaytoo is yelling and droids are trilling. They can hear Jyn screaming and shouting. They hear non-droid inhuman sounds as well. 

Petra is on her feet and rushing outside first, everyone follows. It’s mayhem in the backyard. Kaytoo and Mantis are trying to drag Jyn toward the house. She keeps rushing off on her hands and knees toward something no one else can see. The non-droid inhuman sounds are coming from her. 

There are droids everywhere trying to either weigh Jyn down with weights and chains, trying to tie her up, or trying to talk to her. Kaytoo and Mantis are the only two who have any luck in keeping a hold of her at all.

As Kaytoo drags Jyn toward them, he is the one to finally explain. “I think Jyn sees that creature in her mind, and she keeps talking to it. La-hai and Nyree found and fought with it. La-hai is dead, Nyree is in hiding, and the creature is alive.”

Somewhere in Jyn’s divided crazed mind she hears Kaytoo say out loud that her baby is dead, and she stops struggling. She quietly adds, “Nyree is afraid to come back, we have to go get her. La-hai is one with the Force.”

Cassian drops to his knees, and Jyn crawls over to him. They hold each other tight. Through tears, Cassian notices that there are now bloody handprints on his clothes. That’s when he realizes how hard Jyn had been scrabbling around after the monster she saw in her mind. Her bloody handprints are on the front of his shirt and on his sleeves. Her pants are torn, her shirt is torn, her boots are gone, and her knees, feet, and hands are torn up and bloody. The family, droids and humans, are all holding each other close.

Cassian whispers to Jyn, “So we pack and go get her.” A whisper is all he can muster right now.

“Yes.” She whispers back.

Jyn, Cassian, Baze, Churrit, and Kaytoo pack clothing and supplies, while Mantis and Vie get the ship ready. The four kids are somewhat in shock, and the adults don’t expect them to help pack. Only Stellene notices Petra is increasingly furious as time passes. She isn’t saying or doing anything about it, it’s just that he can read her better than anyone. 

In a little under three hours, they are ready to fly. 

Before they go, Cassian leads Jyn to the fresher to clean her hands and knees and to ask her something while they are alone. He asks her quietly, “The creature?” 

“I’ll get it. We don’t tell them beforehand?” She replies and asks.

“Mmm-hmmm.” He agrees. They touch their foreheads together, more tear tracks appearing on their faces. Their daughter is gone forever, another is missing, and their four other children need them to keep functioning while they mourn. 

Cassian did not know what to do in regards to the creature. He knew he would support whatever Jyn said to do because he trusts her ability to listen to the activity in the Force and to interpret it completely.

. . .

It takes a day and a half to get to the planet Nyree and the creature are on. Churrit guides their craft down. He and Jyn leave the ship to find Nyree. The others stay by the ship, ready to take off if Petra says to. The creature is powerful, so Jyn and Churrit are the best combination for finding Nyree. 

She is alone, listless, and heartbroken in a small cave.

“Nyree, Nyree, it’s mummy and Uncle Churrit. Come on love.” Says Jyn, while pulling her hand.

“Nyree, come on. You can get up now. Come on.” Says Churrit. He tugs at her other hand.

She looks at them both suddenly. “No, no, I’m so sorry, I can’t. La-hai, she’s, she’s - ,“ Nyree looks frantic and like she’s cried for days.

“I know, I know.” Jyn says. Churrit and Jyn both have tears spilling down their cheeks. “Come with us lovey.”

“It’s my fault.” Says Nyree.

“I don’t think so.” Says Churrit. “You wouldn’t hurt La-hai.” He and Jyn coax her out of the cave. 

Mantis alerts Cassian and Baze that Jyn, Churrit, and Nyree are approaching the ship, and they run to meet them followed by the kids, Kaytoo, Vie, and Mantis. Jyn excuses herself to go get something for Nyree while they all hug and cry. When they hear a speeder, that’s when they realize Jyn’s left. It takes a little longer for them to realize why.

“No!” Says Nyree in a high pitched voice, starting to run after Jyn. Cassian holds on to her. “Where’s mom going?”

“Nyree, it can’t see her.” Says Cassian, like it’s the whole answer. Jyn’s crystal is around his neck and tucked under his shirt so the creature can’t sense it.

Petra’s face is covered in hot tears and she’s had enough of all these morons. She snaps at Nyree. “I hate you! I hate you! I HATE YOU! YOU MADE ME PART OF THIS!” Petra shout at Nyree. She hits and kicks her over and over. “I’ll never forgive you!” La-hai and Nyree took words she said in her sleep as an excuse to hunt this thing. La-hai was dead, gone forever, Nyree broken, and Petra is inextricably linked to this disastrous mission.

“No, stop Petra, please!” Nyree begs. Petra is so small and so angry. La-hai said they should hunt it, she agreed. Nyree hadn’t meant for any of this to happen. 

La-hai realized the fight was going sideways and felt responsible for convincing Nyree to go with her to find the creature. La-hai figured out the mission was a mistake mid-fight, and at that point all she could do was make sure Nyree wasn’t the one to die. She didn’t get to say any of this to Nyree though in the middle of the battle. She made the decision and the end came swiftly after that. 

Nyree wished she’d died with her sister. Why wasn’t dad defending her? Did they all hate her?

“That’s enough Petra. Come on love.” Says Cassian pulling her off a shaking Nyree. “Go to the ship, you need to eat something.”

“WHERE’S MUMMY!” Demands Petra.

“Go to the ship now.” He replies. He knows exactly where she went, but he doesn’t want to talk about it, because it would point blame at La-hai and Nyree no matter how he phrased it. It would do no good. Nyree is wracked with guilt already. Petra rushes over, hits him hard, then runs to ship. His little furious girl reminds him of the Jyn he first met. He would tell her no hitting and put her in time out then try not to smile at the cute little ball of rage under normal circumstances.

All but Cassian and Nyree head back to the ship.

“Dad, she can’t hate me, please, she can’t.” Nyree starts to say, tears spilling again. La-hai is gone, La-hai is gone, this can’t be happening. Now her only other sister blames her and hates her.

Cassian puts his arms around her. “You’re going to have to let her for a little while. She’s 9. You hated me and mom sometimes when you were 9.” Cassian tells her gently. God, Nyree’s an adult and will always be his baby, both of those things exist all at once, and La-hai is gone, dead. How does anyone do this? “I’m sorry love, but she might hate you for awhile. She’ll forgive you, she won’t hate you forever.” His voice breaks. “You have to let her, and be there when she’s ok again.”

“I don’t want to.” She cries.

“I know. I’m sorry .” He cries holding her tight. 

“It’s not like when I was little, she may never forgive me.” Nyree breaks down completely.

“She will. I know she will.” He isn’t mad at her. Nyree is headstrong, but La-hai was more so. He’s very aware that this may have been La-hai’s idea that Nyree was dragged along on. He’s not angry at La-hai either. It’s possible they planned it together, but it was most likely La-hai’s idea. It’s just a disaster. “Come on.” He leads her back to the ship.

Petra calms down when she sees her anger affecting Stellene. She realizes he’s more concerned about her than anyone else, and that means he’s paying attention to her rather than grieving. She feels guilty and calms down. 

“Dad, why did Mom leave?” Asks Trevi as the sky outside darkens.

The answer is because she has to kill the creature, because otherwise it will hunt our family. It’s been provoked by La-hai and Nyree, and realized they were connected to Jyn when La-hai died. It didn’t know who Jyn was until then. Petra and Jyn had just been unreadable beings when they fought it 6 years ago. He’s not going to tell them the answer, the real one, ever. “She went to do what a Force Ghost asked her to do.”

Petra gives him an odd look. Fuck, he should have thought of something better. She surprises him though. “Shaak Ti asked her to take care of something. I don't know what.”

Baze smiles at Cassian from behind the kids. He’s surprised the volatile 9 year old who has hit everyone except Stellene at least once today now suddenly has their backs. Cassian is reminded that Baze and Churrit may as well be known as the kids other parents. Four parents lost their girl.

. . . 

Jyn drives for 5 hours on the speeder, then walks for an hour and a half into a forest to get to the creature. He didn’t feel her approaching, but he did expect her to come. He doesn’t project fake monsters when he sees her. “Tell me what you are and I’ll give you your daughter’s clothing and sabers.” It bellows. La-hai and Nyree’s sabers hang from his belt. He is over 7 feet tall and strong. His skin is a dull blue, and he has some red hair on his head, face, and arms.

Jyn says nothing. Her face is covered, one eye in a red contact, the cybernetic eye under a different colored outer shell, and her hair, recently cut short by her, now held in place under a thick gelatinous gel. She didn’t bother to make her face a different color this time. She picks up two rocks, each a bit bigger than her hand, holds one in each hand, and charges the creature. 

He gets ready to charge and attack, he’s so much larger than her. It charges, but she turns left and away without giving away that she wasn’t going to continue charging. When he turns, he can’t find her. 

“Where are you?” He yells. Then he remembers she’s one of two creatures that he can’t feel or find in the Force, and thinks maybe I should shut up and listen instead of make it even easier to for her to find me. He walks quietly, listening, smelling, looking. He’s still taken completely by surprise when she jumps down from the trees above and lands on him.

She hits him twice in the face hard with rocks before he throws her off. She’s fast, but he manages to connect his fist to her face before she can get out of reach. Then he’s over her. He stands on her leg and she feels it fracture. He smashes her right hand with a rock, punches her hard in the face then - 

BZZT - whhhoomm 

The purple saber blade comes out of his back. 

Jyn turns the saber off, and he backs up and away. He sits against a tree. He takes off his belt with the two other sabers attached and throws it toward Jyn. He takes his weapons from his pockets and throws them too. They are far enough that he can’t get to them before Jyn can. She sits down where she is and stares.

“I’m dying.” He says.

“I know.” She says. She can taste and hear his life ebbing away.

“I have Force relics in that cave, you can have them.” He points with his eyes, body too tired to do much.

“Ok.” She says, still just watching. 

“I was brought to Dathomir, and made into this, night witches made me. I don’t know what I was before, or where I came from. I think, I think, I was taken from people who loved me, but I can’t be sure.” He says all this with a childlike look on his face. “Why could they make me forget and turn me into an angry dark force wielding monster?”

She thinks for a bit while she uncovers her face and takes out her contact. “The Force may be living, but it’s also a bit like water. If you pour it into a vessel, it sort of gets into everything and anything without thinking, it just has to fill in all those spaces. I think whoever did this to you must have known how to divert that flow and use it as a tool to do its bidding.” 

“Oh.” He looks sad. “What are you? How do you use the Force so I can’t feel you?”

“I’m human. I don’t, can’t wield the Force, I can only listen in. I don’t know why Force wielders can’t feel me.”

“Huh.” He thinks for a bit. “You fight well enough that I’m sure you’ve killed before. Why didn’t you kill me 6 years ago?”

“Because I only needed to keep you from getting that box.” She says matter of factly. This thing killed her daughter, but this thing is also a tormented tortured creature. She didn’t know he was made on Dathomir, but it explains a lot. The night witches are brutal and their powers frightening. She finds she has compassion for him now, she’ll talk with the creature until he dies. 

“I’m sorry I killed your daughter.” He means it. As his life ebbs away, he feels and remembers a little of the life he had before, and guilt for taking this woman’s daughter.

Jyn doesn’t really know what you say when someone apologizes for something like killing a family member, though it’s happened before. “Thank you.”

“When they made me, my mind became a loud and angry maelstrom. It’s an out of control rage, always, except now. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” He just thanked me for death.

“What happens now? Did they ruin my soul on Dathomir?”

“No, they can’t actually compromise your soul since you weren’t a willing participant. It’s intact. I can see it.” She feels his life almost completely gone. She smells the Dathomir changes slowly unwinding, she knows his soul is his own from his old life.

“My name . . . was Gorty.” He says, and he’s surprised that he remembers it.

Then he dies.

“Goodbye Gorty. May you finally have the peace that was stolen from you.” She adjusts her broken cybernetic eye to a more comfortable position. She has some stim shots and she uses them before she splints her leg and hand. She packs the girls’ sabers. She finds La-hai’s robes with the relics he spoke of, and she takes them too. She decides nature can take care of Gorty’s body.

It takes 2.5 hours to get back to the speeder, and 7 hours on the speeder to get back to the ship.

. . .

Very early the next morning, Jyn returns. Mantis rushes to intercept her to help her drive back. Mantis takes over driving after making sure Jyn won’t fall off the speeder. Jyn thinks if Cassian passed away, Mantis would immediately ask for her hand in marriage so he could protect her, always. She’d have to say yes, he’s the most chivalrous and sweet droid she’s ever known. Chopper would try to stop the wedding. Oh god, did I lose a lot of blood? Why am I thinking about hypothetical droid weddings?

Petra and Stellene rush out to meet her. Petra hugs her, then almost punches her before thinking better of it after taking in mummy’s black eye, broken cybernetic eye, and splints. Stellene goes in for a big hug and lots of kisses.

“Mummy, let’s go. You need a Medbay.” Says Stellene.

“Ok, if you say so.” She replies. Nyree stands by the doorway looking haggard and like she’s alone even in a crowd. Jyn walks over slowly and hugs her tight. She whispers, “I love you baby-bird.” 

“Oh god, mom, I’m sorry - “

“Shh-shh, no, I’m sorry.” Jyn doesn’t know what to say other than I love you. “I love you, honey, I love you so much. C’mon. Let’s go.”

Jyn has La-hai’s robes, relics, and three sabers. “No body?” Asks Nyree quietly.

“It disappeared when she joined the Force.” Churrit answers.

“Is he - “ Nyree asks.

“Yeah.” Replies Jyn.

“How?” 

“He, he, he was tortured and made by others, and he was done. We’ll talk about it another day.”

Cassian takes in Jyn’s injuries and kisses her carefully. “Medbay.” He says.

“Medbay.” She echos.

. . .

Two weeks later, Petra wakes Nyree up at 0215 hours. While the family is very sad and still grieving the loss of La-hai, they know they’ll be ok, except for Nyree. She is extremely despondent and unable to function.

“La-hai’s outside, she wants to talk to you.” Petra says.

“Huh?” Nyree replies from a bleary haze.

“Come on, her time is limited.” Petra tugs at Nyree. Nyree wants to say how dare you joke with me about this, but she feels so guilty about using Petra’s words, she says nothing. She follows Petra.

La-hai is outside, far back behind the house. She looks ethereal, like she’s surrounded by a blue-purple light. “Thank you Petra.” Nyree says, breathlessly. 

La-hai and Nyree talk for an hour. Nyree doesn’t see her twin again until she joins her in the Force, but she isn’t completely despondent anymore after they talk.


	23. Epilogue

On their 48th wedding anniversary, surrounded by their 5 living children, 19 grandchildren, 2 great grandchildren, many honorary nieces and nephews, and a lot of friends, they are very happy. 

There’s always a twinge of loss at these milestones. La-hai was killed at 19 while her and Nyree were tracking down a dangerous dark presence. It was a mission gone horribly wrong. The family had to go find Nyree because she was too devastated to come back.

Other friends have passed. Baze passed on a few years ago. Churrit was extremely depressed and Jyn and Cassian insisted he move in with them. While he still gets depressed, it’s not all the time anymore. 

Bohdi’s star burned fast and bright. The damage Bor Gullet did to his mind cut his lifespan in half, but before it ended, he and Tevlo had 3 boys and 2 girls and they also freed many slaves. Tevlo still brightens the lives of all who know her.

Draven passed away a few years ago as well. They'd grown closer over the years.

Shara died a long time ago, and Kes more recently. They still see Poe now and then.

Han’s death haunts all of them, Jyn is glad she kept her children close.

She still hears Luke even though he’s gone now.

They always supported the Resistance, though they had to do so as droid builders away from the front lines. It was important to have operations in different places to make it harder to snuff out. Jyn and Cassian still talk with Leia about droid assisted battle strategies. They send as many of the most capable and dangerous military droids to her as they can.

Their home is full of more than them and Churrit. Petra and Trevi moved back home with their own families. Trevi has a grandchild already, so they are great grand grandparents. They’re great granddaughter currently keeps them awake. Jyn loves holding her late at night when the baby won't sleep. Cassian joined her the 4th night it happened, they both love it now.

The droids are often the source of any of Cassian’s complaints as in when he calls to her from outside, “Jyn! Your droid threw all the plates out the window!”

“Again? Esse 4, you pick those up right now!”

Cassian loves to play games like Dejarik and hide and seek with the grandkids. 

Jyn loves causing trouble with them.

“What are you doing?” Exclaims Cassian as he walks into the living room.

“Quick, run! I'll stall him.” Says Jyn sending two toddlers covered in paint on the run. She gets up as quick as she can after them, then says, “Quick look over there!” to Cassian and points with a paint covered hand. Then she runs to catch up with them. 

Cassian looks at the finger paint picture the three of them added to the living room wall. He can hear them in the other room “quietly” discussing what to do next. “No, I don’t think he saw us,” says Jyn.

“Grammy, I tink he seed us.” 

“No way, we’re so fast and he can't tell it's us under the paint.”

“Grammy!”

He mulls over attempting to have them clean the wall or keeping the picture. It’s everyone who lives in the house drawn 18 inches off the ground. They keep it. Cassian kisses Jyn everywhere that night.

. . .

“Cassian, can you help me with my eye a minute?” 

“Of course.” 

It's just an excuse to get him to herself briefly during the anniversary party. She grabs him for a frantic deep kiss as soon as the door closes. 

“Your eye is fine isn't it.” 

“Yes, it is.” She kisses him again. “It's just, all those years ago, I thought I was too broken, already ruined, and now, look at our family. I found an old journal, I wrote how I felt at the time. I reread it and I’d forgotten, I thought you shouldn’t love me, couldn’t love me. I didn't think I was good enough for you or anyone. Look at us now though! It's beautiful! I just, I, I’m so happy we didn't miss all this. Thank the Force for our friends pushing us. Thank Force we kept talking through all of it, through all the ups and downs. I still can't believe I almost let what I thought about myself stop me from even trying.”

“I can't imagine missing any of this. We’re lucky us two screw ups got our act together, and stayed together. I love you.” He kisses her hard. There have been hard times too. There was that 2 year stint when Cassian wanted to leave the marriage all together which left a lot of damage in its wake, and during shorter rough periods of Jyn’s ups and downs, she nearly walked away from it all 4 times, which also left damage in its wake. Those times were far in the past now. 

“They're just making out in here! Gross!” Their 6 year old granddaughter exclaims. There are a lot of barely suppressed giggles.

“Shhh, they can make out if they want to.” Raine says to his daughter. 

Jyn starts laughing. “I know. I love you Cassian.”


End file.
